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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would you deal with this? I’m out of ideas

108 replies

KeysNoMyKeys · 28/08/2021 10:11

Been with DP around 14 months, exclusive from the start. I’m 30s he’s 40. When we met he told me that his work massively impacted his relationships in the past and for that reason things seemed to fizzle out. I have a busy job and early on I didn’t really notice what he meant here. Anyway, as time passed I think I now see the issue.

In essence, he can go a day without contacting me. It’s not like he will ignore me if I’m in touch, but nobody wants to be the person always initiating contact! I find this really frustrating. He will get in touch but ONLY if his work isn’t busy. I don’t buy this to be honest - I’m always busy at work and still find the time to drop a text to someone on my way to loo or when I’m eating a sandwich over lunch. He is able to do this.

Anyway, yesterday was another day where apparently he was unable to text me Hmm we last spoke on Thursday evening, on the phone. We said let’s meet around 4 or 5pm on Saturday (today) and he said he would book a restaurant. It’s around 50 minutes for me to drive to him.

I’ve still heard nothing further from him. I find this bizarre? Usually I would text and ask how his day was or let him know what I’m doing today and confirm that I will drive over late afternoon. But I feel really uncomfortable that we’ve been together this long and he doesn’t think it’s appropriate to send a message? He was a little better at this right at the start but it’s completely gone now.

I feel awkward thinking do I just turn up at 4 or 5 without any contact between now and then?

I am sick of being the person getting in touch and making arrangements - whenever I am in touch or whenever I suggest something he is perfectly happy and interested in it. He’s not seeing anyone else and there’s nothing weird going on like that. If I raise it I will be told that he’s been too busy at work to be in touch. Im so sick of it and don’t know what to do?!

I love him so please don’t throw out comments about leaving him or he’s not that arsed - might be right but at the moment I just want some ideas on how to deal with this. I’m not at the stage of wanting to end it.

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 28/08/2021 12:44

Op did you already do a post about him?
If it hasn't improved then leave him to it
He's already told you this is why all his previous relationships
Have failed

He's telling you very loudly who he is and how it's going to be
Sadly lovely and I say this gently to you, you are not listening HmmThanks

Guiltypleasures001 · 28/08/2021 12:44

Oops sooty don't know where that face came from

Paq · 28/08/2021 12:46

OP there are loads of threads on the relationships board from women married to men who never organise anything. Not even a card for their own mother's birthday.

Your boyfriend has all the makings of one of these. I think you need to regretfully move on.

It's not his job that makes his relationships fizzle out, it's his laziness.

burnoutbabe · 28/08/2021 12:55

If you text to say you are cancelling as not heard from him, he'll think your mad. You had made plans and you could have texted him as well today.

Best to just cancel as not feeling up for it and tell him to let you know when next free.

But really if you have already arranged time and place too meet you don't actually need more confirmation (well he doesn't)

You don't sound very compatible but I can't see he is doing much wrong.

Bluntness100 · 28/08/2021 13:04

I can’t see he’s doing anything wrong either. It’s all confirmed. I couldn’t be with someone who was this needy, that was crying becayse I failed to text and say I was looking forward to seeing them and can’t go a dat without contact. You need to find someone who is the same as you.

ladygracie · 28/08/2021 13:08

I’d just text and ask what time and where you’re meeting tonight. You said he was going to arrange it so you could assume that he’s done that. Is he likely to know how you are feeling about not having heard from him?

Justmuddlingalong · 28/08/2021 13:10

If he's arranging anything, surely it's necessary to update her on the time, not for her to chase up the details?

LastGirlSanding · 28/08/2021 13:11

It seems to me like when you met he was busy with work and so were you so when he said work often takes up a lot of his time and attention you were all ‘yea, that’s fine’, but mentally you tacked on a ‘for now’.

Meaning…that was fine with you in the beginning but you assumed things would change as mutual feelings deepened and the relationship became more committed.

What seems to be happening is as your feelings have deepened you’ve ended up doing all the running and he has become comfortable with that. Whether he will step up if you back off is anyone’s guess but I think that’s the only way you will get him to be more proactive.

The risk of course is when he said this is how i am he did NOT mean ‘but as I grow fonder of you and we get more serious that will change’. If he’s 40 and this has been his pattern all along the chances are this is it.

Which sucks and i’m sorry.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/08/2021 13:14

He’s not really a rude man, he’s just shit at communication and any sort of organisation outside of work.

There's nothing 'just' about those things. They're massive.

Can you really see yourself spending the rest of your life with someone shit at communication and organisation outside of work?

It sounds like it would be an exhausting few decades for you of having to do all the doing / thinking / planning for both of you.

simitra · 28/08/2021 13:26

Sorry. I got the impression that you had made firm plans but felt the need to chat/text in between meetings which is what I find so odd about people now. All this "hi how are you?" when there is nothig new to say or no new news to share or arrangements to alter.

People constantly start threads on MN about how they texted someone and did not get an answer back that day! And much of the time it is just "chat" not making arrangements or sharing important news.

I accept that in some of my relationships I am the one who always initiates contact. I am a "planner" so I need to know whats going on but I would not deluge someone with calls or texts once an arrangement had been made. Maybe a quick text or email the day before to confirm. Some people (like my nephew who does a lot for me) just don't like phone contact. That doesnt mean they dont value the relationship.

Its probably a generational thing - many people now feel the need to be constantly available and in touch. I can remember a time when there were only landlines!

Bluntness100 · 28/08/2021 13:29

@ladygracie

I’d just text and ask what time and where you’re meeting tonight. You said he was going to arrange it so you could assume that he’s done that. Is he likely to know how you are feeling about not having heard from him?
She’s going to his house between four and five and then they are going out to dinner, they’ve already agreed it,
Bluntness100 · 28/08/2021 13:32

Op ive reread your posts and possibly I’m misunderstanding. On Thursday night you spoke and agreed you’d come to his between four and five today and then he’d book a restaurant and you’d later go out to dinner. Why does this need to be reconfirmed? You’ve been together 14 months, you made the arrangements about thirty hours ago, it hasn’t changed or he’d have said.

burnoutbabe · 28/08/2021 13:34

With a boyfriend of a year I'd also not be fussed id he had booked a restaurant or not. The plan is to see him at his house for the weekend, be together etc. Eat in or go out. If either fancies a quiet night in watching a movie they can do that Together.

Lillygolightly · 28/08/2021 13:50

He was better at the beginning because it was exciting and new so he was invested. He is also not stupid and understood he had to make some effort and do the legwork to keep you interested and get you invested. The main point to take from this is that he CAN make the EFFORT when he wants to, do you know full well he is capable of doing it when it suits him.

He’s now succeeded in drawing you and feels like he has you hooked so he’s stopped making the effort because he doesn’t need to. He assumes that you’ll make the effort for him, and just does the minimum when he can be arsed.

Of course once your together your having a lovely time, yeah well that’s because he got what he wanted didn’t he and now that your in front of him he’ll happily make the most out of that time together, but as soon as your out of sight your out of mind again, because he simply can not be bothered to give it the thought or headspace UNLESS you remind him that your there 🙄 euuugghh OP he may be lovely but I couldn’t be doing with this.

I don’t think it matters much what you do, your not going to succeed in getting him to meet you half way here, clearly others before you tried and failed so he’s not going to change. I think you just need to consider whether you want to put up with this is not, and if I were you I wouldn’t. If it can make you feel this shit in 14 months when everything should still be wonderful, imagine how shit it feels after 5 years, or 10 years.

MarylinMonrue · 28/08/2021 13:59

Wanting to be treated like a priority in a relationship isn’t being needy - although it’s a ‘cool’ thing to think/say these days - but it sounds like your communication styles are very incompatible. Some people are going to understand why having the person you’re in a relationship with not show any interest or investment in you in between physical arrangements is upsetting, other people would be truly happy with that level of contact. It’s all pretty relative, but it sounds like you and he are on very different pages here and you won’t find a match in energy with this guy.

DoubleEx · 28/08/2021 13:59

The point is that even after a year OP still feels in the back foot to the extent that she can’t confidently rely on plans discussed a few days ago.

That feeling of unease and insecurity is telling her something and she’s right to pay attention to it.

Perhaps OP’s self-esteem and attachment style are playing a part. But given that he stated clearly and upfront that his relationships falter because he communicates as if he doesn’t give a shit, I’d say it was more his problem than hers.

It’s so tricky to know how to play this one because technically you have made plans to meet today at his house at 5. If you go, you run the risk of discovering in real time that he’s forgotten about your plans and that will make you feel rejected and foolish.

Or, you could turn up and he’d be expecting you and have the table booked, etc. In which case you need a serious conversation about communication styles and managing expectations.

Or, you could not do anything and wait to see if he gets in touch. But then that gives him the ‘out’ of saying ‘well I waited for you but you stood me up’. Even if in actual fact he had totally forgotten. In that situation he could turn it round on you.

So maybe I’ve revised my opinion and now I think you should turn up and see if he’s remembered. But it’s a risky strategy and the one that could hurt you the most if it doesn’t go the way you want it to.

Suprima · 28/08/2021 14:01

@burnoutbabe

With a boyfriend of a year I'd also not be fussed id he had booked a restaurant or not. The plan is to see him at his house for the weekend, be together etc. Eat in or go out. If either fancies a quiet night in watching a movie they can do that Together.
So you have defended his shitty behaviour on a prior post, and now you are coming to tell the OP that she shouldn’t really be expecting a date and they should just hang around his flat together?

You really need to examine your own standards. If you are ok with men making no effort for you, that’s on you- but OP is not requesting anything unreasonable by wanting a boyfriend to be more present in her life and to arrange a bloody dinner date. Hmm

MarylinMonrue · 28/08/2021 14:02

Quite apart from anything else, the sheer PASSIVITY of not showing any initiative to do something with you unless you suggest it would be irritating beyond measure.

AhNowTed · 28/08/2021 14:06

@Bluntness100

Op ive reread your posts and possibly I’m misunderstanding. On Thursday night you spoke and agreed you’d come to his between four and five today and then he’d book a restaurant and you’d later go out to dinner. Why does this need to be reconfirmed? You’ve been together 14 months, you made the arrangements about thirty hours ago, it hasn’t changed or he’d have said.

I get what the OP is miffed about if she's doing all the running.

But equally I don't understand this need to be in contact text-touch when on a break or in the loo. I'm a bit old-school I suppose but that would drive me crazy.

Bluntness100 · 28/08/2021 14:11

I get she shouldn’t have to do all the running too. I just don’t understand the need for daily contact or to reconfirm what’s already confirmed. Or the level of upset over literally going a day without contact, she spoke to him Thursday night and made plans and will see him tonight.

Op is it an insecurity thing? You’re so upset, questioning the relationship for what appears to be because you went w day without him contacting you.

FlowerArranger · 28/08/2021 14:12

Don't go, @KeysNoMyKeys. You are very upset and you'd be likely to hand him more power if you met with him, because he'd sense your desperation.

How about "I've been working on XYZ project all day yesterday and today. Just finishing now but I'm exhausted! Can you come to mine tonight?"

And if he responds positively and caringly, try to put your efforts into having a nice evening.

But do take a large step back going forward. Don't be so available. Let him do the running. If he's really into you, you'll know it. Don't stay with him just because you think he could be the one.

TheStoic · 28/08/2021 14:15

Above all else, he sounds incredibly boring. I would have lost interest well before now if I wasn’t hearing from him in between dates.

Suprima · 28/08/2021 14:16

@Bluntness100

I get she shouldn’t have to do all the running too. I just don’t understand the need for daily contact or to reconfirm what’s already confirmed. Or the level of upset over literally going a day without contact, she spoke to him Thursday night and made plans and will see him tonight.

Op is it an insecurity thing? You’re so upset, questioning the relationship for what appears to be because you went w day without him contacting you.

It’s nothing to do with the OP’s insecurity.

You are looking at their loose plans as a standalone event- it isn’t. It’s a long pattern of being absent and unavailable, and the OP needing to organise everything and chase up details. There is also a severe lack of commitment, which is contrary to what her boyfriend expressed in the beginning of their relationship.

This is the straw that broke the camel’s back.

BreakfastClub80 · 28/08/2021 14:24

I tend to agree with @Bluntness100 regarding the plan today, I don’t understand why it needs to be confirmed. Unless there is more to it, it sounds like you have different expectations, neither right or wrong.

I’m older than you but my DH and I would speak once in the week and then see each other at the weekend (travelling between each other’s city’s). We didn’t need or expect constant contact as both had full on jobs and separate lives too. Eventually we married and moved in together, it was obviously better but he was still incredibly busy with his job.

If I were you I’d have a chat with him about this, the important thing is what’s behind his lower level of contact. Maybe he is busy with work, friends, family etc as well as you and just can’t manage as much chat. It doesn’t sound to me like he’s uninterested.

Be prepared, however, this is who he is. When someone has a very busy job, it doesn’t automatically change if/when children come along etc (assuming you’d like this type of life with him). It’s up to you whether the good parts are worth it.

Bluntness100 · 28/08/2021 15:35

You are looking at their loose plans as a standalone event- it isn’t. It’s a long pattern of being absent and unavailable, and the OP needing to organise everything and chase up details. There is also a severe lack of commitment, which is contrary to what her boyfriend expressed in the beginning of their relationship

Becayse it’s the only concrete example she’s given, other than state she’s upset he can go a day without contacting her. Most people in this stage of a relationship and who don’t live together are ok with a day without contact. On Thursday night they made plans. They were concrete. I’d certainly not think I had to text and reconfirm or text to say I was looking forward to it, and if my husband was sitting crying as I didn’t I’d have to say we were incompatible.