Massive argument. He's gone away BUT

[sleepyshiftworker]

Back story in bullets

My 11 yr old (not my DPs child) is exhibiting a lot of anxiety/anxious behaviour. I tell DP I will no longer be making her sit at the table when she's asking to get down with tears in her eyes to appease his rules of everyone staying at the table while everyone else finishes.

We have a row. His ridiculous "well we just won't make any one sit at the table together ever again then" crap irks me

He's gone away with his children (I'm at home with our one shared DC) my elder DC are at their dads this weekend.

He's checked the fucking ring cameras. Clearly to see that I'm home. But hasn't called me.

He's so controlling I find it really unsettling.

He sounds awful and very controlling. As a family we used to sit at the table until everyone finished their dinner out of politeness, but it wasn't a rule and it wouldn't lead to a row if someone didn't want to sit and wait.

Do you understand the root of your DD's anxieties?

It sounds like he is controlling in many ways. This won't be good for your DC or for you.

I hope you wouldn't feel the need to stay at home because he's checking on you?

From your op it sounds like you've come to the end of your tether with him and have had enough. What support do you need to leave him?

Switch off the cameras

Is she anxious because of his behaviour? Does he create an atmosphere like you’re walking on eggshells?

It was like this at my mother and stepfathers house. I ended up with complex PTSD at 9 years old. I'm 60 now and have suffered with it all my life.
Do you want this for your daughter?
You know what you have to do.

I would find living with someone with lots of 'rules' very annoying especially if they are rules that I disagreed with. Why does he get to make all the rules? I think you need to tell him that you do not agree with some of his rules and that these need to be changed. Eating at the table as a family is not unreasonable but making it so rigid that someone who desperately wants to leave is not allowed is unreasonable. As your kids get older these rules will seem more and more pointless and unreasonable. I am guessing that there are others and that what he says goes?

My DS would walk around the table or sit underneath it or even go sit somewhere on his own (ASD) at home or out - your DP would have a fit with him!

How come he's gone away with his kids but you're at home? Are you ok with that?

Yes he is controlling. It’s no way to live.

We all stay at the table until everyone's finished, we don't sit in silence but chat about our day.

This sounds like my ex. Basically you are standing up for your DD’s needs and he is trying to assert his will over you both. As others have said, there is only one answer to this situation to protect your daughter and to allow her to grow up with freedom and autonomy over what she does to manage and hopefully get over her anxiety. I would be concerned that all his rules are at the root of her anxieties. She needs space from him.

Yes, user14etc I sit at the table with my DC at evening meals and chat, but they are allowed to leave when they wish, and it is a world of difference between choosing to sit together in a happy atmosphere and being made to when you are already suffering anxiety.

As the parent of a child with anxiety, you are right to adjust some expectations.

As for his behavior, I get the impression from your post this is standard behavior for him. It will be better for your DD not to have to deal with him. It will be better for your shared children to have a break from him during your custodial time where they don’t have to deal with him.

It's really complicated, our children are very different. I agree with rules like eating with cutlery (his kids eat with their fingers) and sitting on bottoms but other than that I'm trying to keep the peace between children / him / me and entertain a toddler.

Her anxiety has intensified, she's on autistic spectrum (without a full diagnosis as no support from school and my ex husband and she was coping ok before hand as I knew how to keep her calm and de escalate situations and what she needs). Any thing to do with noise is triggering her atm so DPs children fucking about at the table makes her react. She hums all the time - which DP thinks is to piss him off but it's not it's how she blocks sounds out.

Yes he's controlling. I was meant to be going away with them but I didn't really want to as my young toddler hates the car etc but I did agree to go - after much pestering from him and then he did a U turn, he booked accommodation for him and his dc and told me after. He does stuff like that a lot. Convinces me / changes my mind / manipulates me then switches on me leaving me feeling WTF?! Then I'm the unreasonable one if I'm left pissed off.

So I have no plans this weekend. Home alone with the toddler while he's at a festival with his DC.

Oh re anxiety - I have ptsd and anxiety & last week I told him I was feeling really anxious about everything and nothing and really unsettled. His reply was that it was fashionable to be anxious 🙄 and I think he used the word "woke" at me.

Re The sitting at the table rule. There's hardly ever happy conversation we all sit there miserable while his DC fuck about and make stupid noises etc / convincing his kids to eat.

There's lots of pointless rules - like no eating in the living room. Except he can. Or they can too when he says so.

Do his kids live with you? I think I'd be tempted to change the locks and tell him not to bother coming back.

OP hes abusive and you need to keep your daughter away from him. No wonder her anxiety has intensified.
You don’t have to live like this.

Realised that yesterday my DD didn't have breakfast - she didn't want to come and sit at the table at all. She knows. We all know, it's insufferable and you can't leave. Fuck

He won't listen to any thing. I feel anything I say is shot back with tit for tat point scoring crap and all ends up with "let's sell the house then, I'll phone a solicitor" or other totally ridiculous statements.

He won't sit and talk. Won't come to counselling with me. He says he's happy with our life.

Go and see a solicitor and see where you stand if you separate. Make plans and if you do decide to split at least you know what is due to you and your options.

Don't tell him though. These threats he makes are to control you. Take back some of the control by being one step ahead.

Your daughter will probably end up with life long disordered eating. Your husband is emotionally abusive.
Does your dd’s father know what is going on in your home?

Are you able to get out of this relationship safely OP? I think you need to look at exiting fairly quickly to save yourself and your children. Do you recognise abusive behaviours? His controlling is just one of the traits. Sometimes it takes outside people to let you see how things look. Please take a step back and make choices for you and your children mental health asap. So sorry you are going through this. Anxiety and stress isn't 'woke', I work with autistic children and know how they can be triggered. Your anxiety is probably down to your Dp.

He won't listen to any thing. I feel anything I say is shot back with tit for tat point scoring crap and all ends up with "let's sell the house then, I'll phone a solicitor" or other totally ridiculous statements.

This seems like a good plan - Hes actively bad for you and your dc. See a solicitor. Plan how to separate. Oh and right now- go disable the ring camera!!

He’s controlling and abusive, you need to get your children away from this man!

If you don't have DC together you don't need to live with him, could you live separately then you can eat where you want. Do you own or rent your home.