Massive argument. He's gone away BUT

[sleepyshiftworker]

Back story in bullets

My 11 yr old (not my DPs child) is exhibiting a lot of anxiety/anxious behaviour. I tell DP I will no longer be making her sit at the table when she's asking to get down with tears in her eyes to appease his rules of everyone staying at the table while everyone else finishes.

We have a row. His ridiculous "well we just won't make any one sit at the table together ever again then" crap irks me

He's gone away with his children (I'm at home with our one shared DC) my elder DC are at their dads this weekend.

He's checked the fucking ring cameras. Clearly to see that I'm home. But hasn't called me.

He's so controlling I find it really unsettling.

@Bananalanacake
The op says they have a shared child

We’ll he’s a controlling abusive arsehole and you’ve forced your daughter with additional needs to suffer through his abuse.

Leave. Protect your daughter. I don’t understand why you’ve stayed so long.

It’s normal for a child to ask to be excused from the table sometimes. As long as she asks to be excused then why make her sit there?

I don’t understand men who do this meaningless power plays.

How long have you lived together and do you own the house together?

I'd definitely be seeing a solicitor about selling the house asap.

Do you have a close friend or family you can confide in?

Your daughters anxiety will greatly improve with him gone. She will know the rules, she won’t panic about getting it wrong and upsetting him.

Unplug the ring cameras (or disconnect them from the wifi).
See a solicitor and get him gone

Right now he’s abusing your daughter and you’re allowing it. She’s literally starving herself so that she doesn’t have to subject herself to his ridiculous mealtime regime. What would happen if you brought her food to her bedroom or told her she could go and eat in the living room?

This sounds like hell for you and your daughter.

You have to protect her and yourself and find a way out.

I'd go out an take a suitcase so he can see it on the doorbell.... see how quick it takes for him to call then ignore it

Maybe I'm just childish like that haha

Actually @blueberrywaffle that is sort of what I'm doing. I'm going to my sisters for the rest of the weekend - as I've called and sobbed down the phone to her.

I agree with certain rules and it is important that all the kids are treated similarly with rules etc but it doesn't actually transpose to reality. His kids are younger than my DDs and so more responsibility falls to mine etc. He would disagree with that though. My Dds are heavily involved with my toddler - his DC ignore him. He would disagree with that also.

Your DD is avoiding eating because of this abusive man. You have got to protect her. Get out of there.

I grew up barely eating due to similar emotional and mental abuse at the dinner table. In my 20s I worked to overcome the hang ups I had around food (hoarding it secretly but never eating any of it, not being able to eat in public, max 1 snack per day, never able to eat a proper meal) and managed to reach a healthy weight, but I still have digestive problems now because of the disordered eating. These problems are lifelong and affect my overall quality of life.

Making a child afraid to eat is abuse pure and simple. What support do you need to get away for good?

Who made him the boss of everyone? No wonder your child has anxiety. I'm autistic and just reading your posts has sent my anxiety soaring. Your poor DD.

HE shouldn’t be trying to control YOUR child

I'm not surprised that living with an abuser has made your daughter more anxious.

Joint therapy when there is abuse in the relationship is unsafe and actively advised against - any competent, reputable therapist would not agree to it. So it is good he refused.

What do you need to exit the relationship?

Your first responsibility is to your daughter, and honestly, every day he is in her life is chipping away at her happiness and well being, from what you have said. Please pick her over him. She is far more precious and important, and she only has you to protect her.

I’m all for rules at the table, but he sounds like a nightmare in every regard, and he is making you miserable.

Imagine how happy your little family would be without him controlling, bullying and gaslighting you every day.

I'm ND, I wouldn't be able to cope with shifting rules & miserable meals even now. Had it as a kid, ended up eating on my own for years.

Turn the ring cameras off. Do what you want to do

Put your children first

@sleepyshiftworker

Actually *@blueberrywaffle* that is sort of what I'm doing. I'm going to my sisters for the rest of the weekend - as I've called and sobbed down the phone to her.

I agree with certain rules and it is important that all the kids are treated similarly with rules etc but it doesn't actually transpose to reality. His kids are younger than my DDs and so more responsibility falls to mine etc. He would disagree with that though. My Dds are heavily involved with my toddler - his DC ignore him. He would disagree with that also.

It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t agree, you know that’s how it is. I think you need to leave him for your daughters sake most of all but also for your sake. See what your sister says.

The thing is, he does not have to agree with your perspective, and it suits him not to because it then makes you doubt yourself. But you are not wrong here, you know your DD and you can see what is going on.

There are some times where I wonder if it could have worked out with my ex, and then I read posts like yours which remind me how stifling and stressful it was. We had a younger DC together but it was more important to ensure my older DD had peace and quiet growing up and indeed we all did. The point when you realise that your DC’s well-being is negatively influenced by his moods and rules, and he is not listening to a word you say but still trying to assert himself, is the point you leave.

I wish you all well

Take your sentimental items with you irreplaceable photos cash jewellery etc and walk out the door

@Theunamedcat I can't - for many reasons, financial / practical / logistical. I can't leave this house.

You owe it to her to get her away from this man who is making her life a misery. Whose house is it?

He won't listen to any thing. I feel anything I say is shot back with tit for tat point scoring crap and all ends up with "let's sell the house then, I'll phone a solicitor" or other totally ridiculous statements.

Sounds like a great idea.

@Wolfiefan shared house. Jointly owned.

[quote sleepyshiftworker]@Theunamedcat I can't - for many reasons, financial / practical / logistical. I can't leave this house.

[/quote]
Unless you’re physically chained up in the basement then of course you can leave. What possible reasonable reasons do you have for forcing your daughter to grow up with an abuser. She’s already developing mental health issues.

[quote sleepyshiftworker]@Theunamedcat I can't - for many reasons, financial / practical / logistical. I can't leave this house.

[/quote]
You can break up with this man.

He's making your daughter sad, anxious and sees her as a little enemy.

She hums all the time - which DP thinks is to piss him off but it's not it's how she blocks sounds out.

He either genuinely believes she's doing it to piss him off, which means he is not only stupid but also has zero desire to learn about her coping mechanisms, or he knows she isn't doing it to piss him off but says that just to have a dig and / or to wind you up.

There's no excuse for making your daughter grow up in a house with a man who treats you and her poorly. Zero. She is learning from you and him that this is what a relationship is meant to look like and will replicate the dynamic in her own relationships in future.

I don't understand why you are willing to make her live with this bloke.