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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Massive argument. He's gone away BUT

125 replies

sleepyshiftworker · 28/08/2021 09:02

Back story in bullets

My 11 yr old (not my DPs child) is exhibiting a lot of anxiety/anxious behaviour. I tell DP I will no longer be making her sit at the table when she's asking to get down with tears in her eyes to appease his rules of everyone staying at the table while everyone else finishes.

We have a row. His ridiculous "well we just won't make any one sit at the table together ever again then" crap irks me

He's gone away with his children (I'm at home with our one shared DC) my elder DC are at their dads this weekend.

He's checked the fucking ring cameras. Clearly to see that I'm home. But hasn't called me.

He's so controlling I find it really unsettling.

OP posts:
Driftingblue · 28/08/2021 21:02

@Haveyoubrushedyourteeth

Also, and this is probably going to be unpopular, until you sort this out, I'd tell dd that you think he's being unfair and that from now on you're going to deal with it when he is. She needs to know that you're on her side, and that he's the one in the wrong not her.
That is exactly what I would do. She needs reassurance that asking for reasonable adjustments is not wrong. She needs to see that her mother will stand up for her. It needs to be explicit.
MarylinMonrue · 28/08/2021 21:06

I do protect her.
Hence why I tried to discuss these rules with him about it. My issue is that we can't communicate and I am ridiculed or gas lit by him.

‘My daughter’s abuser won’t listen to me’ is not protecting her OP. You can leave even though it will be scary and uncertain for a bit, and you have to.

Original poster
sleepyshiftworker · 28/08/2021 21:12

@Driftingblue I have had this chat with her - recently regarding this & before when stuff has cropped up.

We don't argue infront of the children - it's normally when they aren't here abs then I try and sort stuff.

OP posts:
Original poster
sleepyshiftworker · 28/08/2021 21:17

@MarylinMonrue if I pack a bag right now - where do I go?

OP posts:
Mum2jenny · 28/08/2021 21:17

I’d be covering the cameras if I couldn’t work out how to isolate them.

Sunshine4you · 28/08/2021 21:17

I was always made to stay at the table as a child and had to ask permission to leave - it's called respect. I don't think what your dp is asking is unreasonable at all.

BrilloPaddy · 28/08/2021 21:18

Your DD would be happier living on the street in a cardboard box than with this man.

Stop making excuses, step up and protect her.

Longdistance · 28/08/2021 21:20

Before switching the camera off, give him something to look at 🖕🏻
What a controlling prick.

Haveyoubrushedyourteeth · 28/08/2021 21:23

You go nowhere OP it's your house too so he can go....

When he's an arse to her then you don't discuss you tell! Call him out, defend her, overrule him. Let her see it, don't let her sit there in tears get the poor kid away even if it's just out of the room for now.

Sunshine4you · 28/08/2021 21:24

But from further reading the rest of your comments. A healthy marriage and parenting contains two people who are on the same team and compromise on different views. Supporting eachother and showing all the DC that they are in a stable loving household with two parents who have a system in a place. Communication seems to be the problem, I have no idea of the history of your relantionship but you may need to give him an ultimatum and see if that gets him to realise he needs to put in the effort to ensure everyone in the family is happy and taken care of and value your marriage enough to warrant your concerns and address them.

LordHuron · 28/08/2021 21:25

As someone who is diagnosed as autistic and grew up in a home with a very controlling father and a mum that wouldn't leave, it makes you resent the fuck out of your mother. Plus it shapes your future relationships. I ended up with 2 abusive cunts, had a child with one of them and because he was abusing me while pregnant and the psychiatrists I see spotted it, they got social services involved.

If your child does see someone in the long run for her problems and this crops up and the fact you won't leave, they will get social services involved and it'll be a choice you make between the two. It's your children or him.

Haveyoubrushedyourteeth · 28/08/2021 21:26

@Sunshine4you in this case it's called bullying not respect!

Driftingblue · 28/08/2021 21:33

You don’t have to pack a bag and flee into the night. You very quietly call a solicitor and figure out your legal options with regards to the house and custody of your shared child(ren). You make a plan.

For my mother that was renting a flat and having movers show up while he was at work. He found out after she was gone.

Every situation is different which is why speaking to a solicitor is a good first step.

hiredandsqueak · 28/08/2021 22:12

I feel for your dd. My ASD son never eats at the table with us and my ASD daughter chooses when she eats at the table depending on who is there, what we are eating, how she is feeling etc. I would never force her, she couldn't eat in school because of her anxiety around food. You dd is demonstrating she is unhappy, it doesn't sound like you can ameliorate this as it doesn't sound like DP is someone to reason with so you need to leave to protect your child.

MarylinMonrue · 28/08/2021 22:22

You don’t have to pack a bag and go right now, but you see a solicitor, find out what you’re entitled to in a split, start making plans, and the next time he pulls his ‘we’ll sell the house then’ as some kind of threat to keep you in your place, you can say ‘ok’

Anordinarymum · 28/08/2021 22:28

OP One day I looked at my son and I told him that I would get rid of his dad. I promised him.
On the day he left, there was peace in our house. No more shouting, no more unreasonable conversations. No more horrible insults that my children witnessed and no more sleep deprivation for any of us.

No child should have to be made to feel bad about themself.

nimbuscloud · 28/08/2021 23:12

@Sunshine4you
This man is not the child’s father
He’s her mother’s partner

MrsMaizel · 28/08/2021 23:47

Switch off your internet so he can't see anything

Boredmotherofone · 28/08/2021 23:52

@sleepyshiftworker You can go to a Refuge! Or your sister's house and then make him sell the house. I understand you cannot work if you're away from the house but you can figure something out and claim benefits in the meantime. Not ideal no, but what's more important?
My Dad fucked me up mentally. Please don't let the same happen to your daughter. I'll never ever forgive my Mum for not leaving my Dad and allowing him to continue the abuse, just because she didn't want to claim benefits.

Sakurami · 29/08/2021 00:09

I would speak to a solicitor and also see what I would be entitled to. And see about work/changing work/finding something else to fit around being a single mum.

SusieSusieSoo · 29/08/2021 04:36

@sleepyshiftworker

Realised that yesterday my DD didn't have breakfast - she didn't want to come and sit at the table at all. She knows. We all know, it's insufferable and you can't leave. Fuck

He won't listen to any thing. I feel anything I say is shot back with tit for tat point scoring crap and all ends up with "let's sell the house then, I'll phone a solicitor" or other totally ridiculous statements.

He won't sit and talk. Won't come to counselling with me. He says he's happy with our life.

OP my 'd'f used to say this often that he would sell the house as he was ending an episode of shouting at my dm (couldn't call it an argument she never responded it was just him). He died over 10 yrs ago and I haven't lived under the same roof as him for nearly 30 years.

My inability to recognise where acceptable boundaries should be (I am figuring this out at the moment) and the fear of not being able to put a roof over my head has made me stay in jobs which have absolutely worn me into the ground for all of my adult life.

Please protect your DD from this.

BeachDrifting · 29/08/2021 06:48

Turn the cameras off or rip them off the wall or tape gaffer tape over them. He went to a festival without you in a tantrum. He’s disgusting. Tape over the cameras and go to your sisters house. Get yourself sorted and away from this arsehole. Protect your kids

HighDudgeonAtBerks · 29/08/2021 08:22

You must leave. I don’t know if it’s been mentioned but the incidence of eating disorders in young autistic girls is high. It’s triggered by a need to control something in a world where they feel they have no control. You say yesterday dd skipped breakfast to avoid the battle. She will already be associating meals with sensory pain, it’s only a small step to choosing to restrict how she interacts with the food itself.

I can’t stress this enough, you have to either leave or get him to as sooner as possible. I’ve seen the devastating effects of anorexia on an autistic relative and you have to protect her from that. He is actively harming your dcs. You have to protect them. See a solicitor, find a way. You can do this - yes it will be hard but it’s not impossible.

SukonthaM · 29/08/2021 09:51

@Sunshine4you

I was always made to stay at the table as a child and had to ask permission to leave - it's called respect. I don't think what your dp is asking is unreasonable at all.
Are you also autistic with noise triggers and anxiety? Did you find mealtimes so stressful because of your father that you starved yourself? Do you think it’s acceptable to get angry and shout at someone for trying to help their child, and then leave the house and spy on them through the cameras? Fuck off
billy1966 · 29/08/2021 10:10

OP,
Your poor child, being abused by him.

Can you ask her father to take her so she can be safe while you get your shit together.

Get on to womens aid for advice on how you get out of this abusive situation.

Your poor child.

He is a nasty abusive bully.

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