Massive argument. He's gone away BUT

[sleepyshiftworker]

Back story in bullets

My 11 yr old (not my DPs child) is exhibiting a lot of anxiety/anxious behaviour. I tell DP I will no longer be making her sit at the table when she's asking to get down with tears in her eyes to appease his rules of everyone staying at the table while everyone else finishes.

We have a row. His ridiculous "well we just won't make any one sit at the table together ever again then" crap irks me

He's gone away with his children (I'm at home with our one shared DC) my elder DC are at their dads this weekend.

He's checked the fucking ring cameras. Clearly to see that I'm home. But hasn't called me.

He's so controlling I find it really unsettling.

I guarantee both of your anxiety would reduce significantly if you didn't live with him...

Time to get your ducks in a row then. Take advice. Get him away from her.

Take solicitor's advice, gather all important documents and take to a safe place.

You need to end this relationship. Ideally you want him to leave the house, but the next best thing is to try and force the sale of it. You'll need legal advice for that.

Go and enjoy the rest of the weekend with your sister. Your DD might show some improvements while there, and that should give you all the answers you need.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

It was like this at my mother and stepfathers house. I ended up with complex PTSD at 9 years old. I'm 60 now and have suffered with it all my life. Do you want this for your daughter? You know what you have to do.

It was the same for me. I haven’t spoken to my stepfather since I moved out 20 years ago. I originally went no contact with my mother for the first 7 years after I left. I started talking to her again after having my first child, but our relationship never really recovered after she chose that man over me. I eventually went no contact again almost a year ago after seeking therapy for the anxiety/depression/insomnia I’d suffered with throughout my entire life. The therapist opened my eyes to the shit I went through as a child and how my mother stood passively by and allowed it. It wasn’t even that my father was physically abusive, he just had ways of making me terrified of him, he really got off on it. I can’t stand the pair of them now. I fucking hate him and I despise my mother. I’ll never speak to her again, and neither will my children. This is what you’re risking op.

Could your DD go and live with her dad if you can't stop your DP bullying her?

If you can't pr9tect your daughter from this blatant abuse then you need to let her go live permanently with her other parent.

Image it the other way around- your DD was being abused at her fathers house and he refused to put her first and let her escape the abuse. How would you view that situation?

Please put her first. Good luck

OP you can ALWAYS leave . There is ALWAYS a way .

Poor kids. Can any of them go to live somewhere safe while you choose to stay with the abuser?

The abuser is just a boyfriend, so all you’ll have to sort is the house that you jointly own with the scum. Buy him out, or sell. And hurry, each day of forcing kids to live like this is damaging them more and more.

Autism and anxiety go hand in hand. Stress from eating at the table is actually incredibly common and many parents of autistic children offer alternatives. Many autistic adults also sometimes skip the family table when the mood strikes.

You have to get your dd out of this situation. She needs to be in an environment suited to her needs. Teen girls with “mild” autism and anxiety have high co-morbidities with eating disorders. You are dealing with something much more serious than a simple debate over household rules.

The abuser is just a boyfriend, so all you’ll have to sort is the house that you jointly own with the scum.

He is not just a boyfriend. He is the father of her youngest child.

I do protect her.
Hence why I tried to discuss these rules with him about it. My issue is that we can't communicate and I am ridiculed or gas lit by him.

It's not as simple as just LTB. Really I do appreciate the support but I can not leave. All my capital is tied up here I have no where to go and I can't work if I'm not here so literally would be making myself and my children homeless and desolate.

Can you take the batteries out of the ring cameras, so you don’t feel as observed?
What’s to stop you from making your own rules ie, you can leave the table when you’ve finished, noone eats in the lounge at all, no fucking about at the table, always use cutlery. There’s nothing to say that his rules trump yours.
Well done on standing up for your DD, she will really need this from you.

Your daughter needs a supportive household designed to meet her needs. Even if you get him to agree to a rule change, hearing the two of you fight about it will contribute to her anxiety. Please go do some reading on autism and eating disorders. I’m not saying that your daughter has one, but everything you are posting is screaming that she could develop one. This is something we have to be incredibly vigilant about with my child and we have seen friends struggle with watching their own daughters be hospitalized again and again.

Oh that poor child. My heart breaks for that wee soul. Every day must be misery for her

Can she stay with her father?

@sleepyshiftworker

I do protect her. Hence why I tried to discuss these rules with him about it. My issue is that we can't communicate and I am ridiculed or gas lit by him.

It's not as simple as just LTB. Really I do appreciate the support but I can not leave. All my capital is tied up here I have no where to go and I can't work if I'm not here so literally would be making myself and my children homeless and desolate.

It is not possible to protect a child living in a home with an abuser. That's not to say that you haven't tried, but that it is impossible to achieve. Hence the damage you have witnessed and described. She is not protected.

Have you contacted DV support organisations like Women's Aid?

I know, nimbus , but he is indeed just a boyfriend, they’re legally single, there’s zero legal protections for either of them.

I do protect her.

You can’t protect her while he’s a constant presence in her home.

LTB is hare but watching you DD suffer, is surely harder? Get legal advice ASAP!

Whilst I appreciate that it’s never that simple, you need to LTB- he’s clearly an abusive cunt. There’s always a way. Besides your kids- both just yours and the one that’s his too- suffering from living with him, he’s clearly abusing you too. There’s always a way. Life is too short for living like this.

You are absolutely not protecting her OP.

We're on the outside looking in OP, whilst you're in this situation it's a case of the boiling frog.

The way you're coping is to minimise things, but you know it's bad or you wouldn't have posted. It's easy for strangers to say leave and state they'd be out of the door, but I appreciate life is more complicated than that.

Are his children with you full time?

@Haveyoubrushedyourteeth no half the time

I know you've said that you can't leave that house because it'd leave you and your children homeless, but I think you need to see a solicitor and find out exactly what you're rights are because I doubt that would be the case.

I know it's frightening, but try and clear your head and sit down and work out if you can manage if he goes.Take into account maintenance and tax credits, free school meals etc.

It might well be that you get to stay in the house until its sold, and after that you'll have your capital to rent something. Renting might not be your dream, but who cares who owns a property if its away from him.

What I absolutely would be doing though is telling your dp when he comes home that this time for reflection has made you realise that he's poisonous and if he continues to treat your children like shit then he's out. Say calmly and clearly that there are no second chances this is his warning, she's your daughter and she wins every single time.

You can make this situation better OP, you just need to be brave. You're going to know that little girl until she's got little girls of her own - she's worth the crap that you're going to have to get through, and so are you.

It's ok to be frightened, but turn that fear into strength. You can do this I promise, and you need to before the damage to you and your children can't be undone.

Also, and this is probably going to be unpopular, until you sort this out, I'd tell dd that you think he's being unfair and that from now on you're going to deal with it when he is. She needs to know that you're on her side, and that he's the one in the wrong not her.