Massive argument. He's gone away BUT

[sleepyshiftworker]

Back story in bullets

My 11 yr old (not my DPs child) is exhibiting a lot of anxiety/anxious behaviour. I tell DP I will no longer be making her sit at the table when she's asking to get down with tears in her eyes to appease his rules of everyone staying at the table while everyone else finishes.

We have a row. His ridiculous "well we just won't make any one sit at the table together ever again then" crap irks me

He's gone away with his children (I'm at home with our one shared DC) my elder DC are at their dads this weekend.

He's checked the fucking ring cameras. Clearly to see that I'm home. But hasn't called me.

He's so controlling I find it really unsettling.

@sukonthaM we also had to sit at the table. But we ate, didn't find it stressful and aren't autistic.

Op, it is hard, it really is.

I have 3 dc with ASD, and I can tell you that however hard it is now parenting them on my own, it is made so much easier by the fact that they are now relaxed in my house. There is nowhere near as much anxiety, all of them are more able to compromise around each other (proper compromise, not ‘my way or not at all), and the fact that they are clearly so much better off emotionally means that my job isn’t actually harder after all.

Talk to a solicitor. Find out what you are due. Try to plan for a future without him.

It can be done.

Oh, and re: sitting/staying at the table. You do what works.

For some, that is sitting at the table until everyone finishes.

For others, it’s getting down when they have finished eating.

For yet others, it’s not sitting at the table in the first place as even doing that is too stressful.

Unplug the fucking cameras and rethink this controlling behaviour and it's impact on the children. He sounds awful.

Disconnect the RINGcamera.
Spend the time he’s away gathering the documents and evidence you need.
Contact a solicitor.
Get away from him, for the sake of your daughter and the rest of the family.

I wonder if your DD might have Misophonia. If the noise thing is new, it is quite likely as it starts usually around puberty. Our youngest suddenly started finding out eating, breathing and sniffing noises unbearable. She only has to eat with us on special occasions now. I hate it but I heated her pain and discomfort and treats even more. Eventually she was referred for CBT and the psychologist thinks she is also autistic but was not there to diagnose that so we now need to take that forward.

Forgot to say, maybe ask her a bit more about the noises she dislikes and how she feels. If it is an uncontrollable anger with fight or flight response it is likely Misophonia. Get your husband to read up about it and be more understanding.

So if all your capital is tied up in the house, the next time he says ''i'll phone a solicitor, we'll sell the house'' tell him ''that is for the best''.

I can't believe he's observing you with cameras when he's not there. That he can storm off but you're housebound, and feeling that you can't leave!

He is a bully OP, pure and simple - we have no meals at the table unless it’s Xmas day, Sunday lunch or guests. I cook nice food too, no one has ever had an eating disorder and we are all perfectly fine at eating in restaurants etc — some of these rules are made for the sake of it I feel. It’s nice if you have a family that sit round a table chatting but this is very dependant on the individuals concerned I feel. He sounds quite an unpleasant ‘I’m the boss’ kind of man and I would seriously have a think about whether you might be better to separate

OP, what would happen if you dared to dream of a life without him? Imagined the free choices that you could have and the safety you could instil? What if you had hope for a better life?

You feel immobile because you're overwhelmed. It's natural but hope is the beginning of the journey out of terrible places and hope is free.

Sunshine4you The OP is clearly in an abusive relationship and she and her daughter ar being abused. Your input is worse than useless

What a nightmare! I hope you can take your kids and go. Your kids will be thankful.

if I pack a bag right now - where do I go

You go nowhere, you pack a bag and tell him to leave.
He’s abusing your poor daughter and you’re letting him!

He’s an abusive twat, bullying your child, spying on you and yet you’re still putting up with this shit because you think you need to have somewhere to go. That’s not a relationship love, that’s hell, for your poor daughter as well.

How are you protecting her? Her anxiety has intensified and she went without breakfast rather than sit at the table!! Those are your words.

Missed that you have a sister. Yes, be honest with her that your partner is abusive to your daughter and you and you are leaving him and need support. Speaking to Women’s Aid about possible space in a refuge is also an immediate option while this horrible man is currently out (oh, but spying on you through ring cameras) - for gods sake, you must be able to see how fucked up this is and how it’s impossible for you to protect your child while you stay with him.

So your DC has to sit at the table till everyone’s finished, because it’s good manners, but his DC eat with their fingers?!

Trust me OP, a few months of being on unemployment benefits will be far less traumatic than another day spent with this abusive arsehole.

Pack his bags and change the locks. He is abusing you and your children.

You CAN leave. You can sell the house. You might possibly get an occupation order so he has to leave and you get to stay with your dc. Your DP sounds abusive, manipulative and controlling.

He's back with his DC.

My DD is staying with her dad til Tuesday

Then what? Time to make a plan OP.

@Wolfiefan where do I start

[quote sleepyshiftworker]@Wolfiefan where do I start [/quote]
Allow dd to go and live with her dad! It's really not that complicated.. You're choosing to stay, it's unfair to inflict your choice on her. And, yes I'm speaking from personal experience. I started again with the clothes on our backs because I wouldn't allow my dc to be abused.

It absolutely can be done. And your DD needs to be out of this situation ASAP.
Copy essential documents. Get legal advice. See above about occupation order.

If your capital is in the house, you sell the house and split the proceeds. Where do you work?

I think I would start by looking at the financials. If your capital is in the house, how to get it out. How much equity is in the house, can the house be sold, and what can you afford to buy/rent for yourself and DC? You need legal advice to help make that happen. It is not going to get easier the longer you stay together.