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Relationships

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Original poster

AIBU expecting husband to wait until he's out of the family home before dating

118 replies

LanesdownGutted · 28/08/2021 08:46

My H checked out of our marriage 18 months ago when he started a few affairs because I didn't show him enough affection or have enough sex with him. But for me the end of the marriage was when I found out 3 months ago so I'm still adjusting and coming to terms with it all.

He won't leave the home until the purchase of his new place is complete, so we (inc 2 DC who we haven't told yet about the end of the marriage) are still under the same roof.

My problem is that he is still out and about dating and sleeping over women(s) houses, lying to me that he's at work but he's clearly not. I just find it so disrespectful that he couldn't wait until he'd left to do this.

I'm trying to hard to keep things friendly and amicable, as a result the kids have no idea anything is wrong, but he's treating me like an idiot and the home like a hotel.

I just keep running it through my head it's nearly over, just another month or so and he'll be gone.

AIBU to expect him to wait until he's left the family home to start new relationships? I know we're are separated but I feel like he's rubbing my nose in it.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 28/08/2021 08:48

Yeah you are sorry, you’re both single, you can’t dictate who he dates and when op, sure it would be lovely if he was celibate but he’s single and permitted to date, I’ve no idea why you think he’d turn celibate now you’re both single when he wasn’t even faithful when you were married.

Sunflowergirl1 · 28/08/2021 08:49

It isn't fair on you but yes I would wait. It isn't worth the conflict as no doubt he will,have different ideas that what's good for the gander isn't good for the goose! There are your children to consider and currently they don't even know you are separating

ShingleBeach · 28/08/2021 08:53

I think it is Ill mannered and inconsiderate, when he is still part of the family household.

And if he wants to live a single life he should move out.

HarkeyQuim · 28/08/2021 08:55

He’s probably doing it on purpose to teach you a valuable lesson. I don’t imagine there is much point in asking him to stop.

This might be the time to talk to the children.

Bluntness100 · 28/08/2021 08:55

I think it’s more Ill considerate and Ill mannered to shag about when still married to be honest. Expecting them to stop when you’ve split is the definition of madness. And he is moving out. It’s just a timing issue.

Mybalconyiscracking · 28/08/2021 08:56

As long as he’s not bringing women back to the house!

Beamur · 28/08/2021 08:57

It's really unkind to you. How horrible to have to keep sharing a house in the circumstances.
He's no gentleman is he?
Hope his house purchase goes smoothly so you can get him out and have the space to yourself.

GoodnightGrandma · 28/08/2021 08:58

You are two people sharing a house, he can do whatever he wants.
But a definite no to bringing women back.

Shoxfordian · 28/08/2021 08:59

He sounds like a knob
Tell the dc if you haven’t

user1471538283 · 28/08/2021 08:59

Whilst we wouldn't do this he is clearly desperate to get another woman. My friends ex was dating a week after they ended, living in the same house,desperate to find another woman to keep him.

Zeev · 28/08/2021 08:59

I think it's fucked up. But I'm not surprised the cool girl brigade is already here telling you not to cramp his style.

drpet49 · 28/08/2021 09:01

You are both single. He doesn’t bring women back to the house, so I don’t see what the problem is.

M0rT · 28/08/2021 09:02

He's a prick and now you are getting to see that in technicolour.
I would try as much as possible to disengage, don't ask about his whereabouts unless you need him home for childcare.
Don't wash his clothes, prepare his meals etc. Single people do their own.
Start telling people if you haven't already and figure out how your going to make single parenting work.
Basically start focusing on yourself.

category12 · 28/08/2021 09:03

Cut out the lying side of it by not expecting him to justify where he is and not engaging with him.

You've split up. Try to ignore it. Unless he's supposed to be looking after the children, it doesn't matter where he is.

NotFrozen · 28/08/2021 09:06

OP I would be so upset and angry at this. It’s completely disrespectful to you. You do deserve respect as his wife and the mother of his children. I can’t relate to the women who think it’s ok and have never met women irl who would be ok with this.

amylou8 · 28/08/2021 09:07

Let him get on with it, make sure you appear to not give a fuck, hope his house move happens quickly.

BrilliantBetty · 28/08/2021 09:08

Why haven't you told the children?
Depending on their ages, it might be sensible to tell them - what if they see him with or see evidence of these other women.

It is cruel of him to be 'dating' so obviously, when you are still grieving the relationship, it's only been 3m for you and you must be in a very difficult place.

He has no consideration for you, don't try and be amicable etc he is not being respectful is he. You owe him nothing and this will be adding a lot of mental strain for you. He should leave, and is a selfish bastard not to have done.

LittleBiscuit09 · 28/08/2021 09:08

I'm sorry that it is upsetting you. He is a jackass for doing this. But there is nothing you can do.

Don't wash his clothes, cook his meals or any of that anymore.

Move him out of your bedroom, put a lock on it if you need to. He can have the sofa.

Make his life as uncomfortable as possible so he will wish to leave quickly.

Theunamedcat · 28/08/2021 09:08

Tell the children and stop being nice to him

I hope your doing nothing for him in the house

Bluntness100 · 28/08/2021 09:09

No one said it was ok, what was said is they are split, he was fucking about during their marriage why would he be faithful to her after. He’s single, she’s single. Sure legally they may still be married, who knows, so she’s his wife legally if they are, but in reality that ship sailed a long time ago.

layladomino · 28/08/2021 09:22

It does seem disrepectful, yes, but what can you expect from him after he cheated repeatedly before you split?

He may be doing it for a reaction, in which case the best response from you is none. Don't expect anything of him, and don't show any signs of noticing he's gone out or was back late. That will at least remove any enjoyment he's getting out of upsetting you.

I do think the children ought to know though. He's actively dating and could be seen out and about with a new gf, but even if not it's wrong that are having to cover for him so they don't see anything's wrong.

At the moment it sounds like he has all the benefits of home life, his DC around, whilst dating. Please tell us that you aren't doing his washing and cooking?

Joy69 · 28/08/2021 09:23

I really feel for you. My exh did this to the extent of putting up a picture of a romantic destination that I'd always wanted to go to, but he took his mistress. Hang in there & focus on the happy times ahead of you. As others have said don't do his washing etc. Sit down together & tell the kids so they have time to adjust to.
Incidentally your husband didn't have affairs because you weren't paying him enough attention etc. He did it because he's a selfish, self entitled idiot. You'll probably find in years to come that he follows a pattern with a number of women & you can sit back & enjoy the show from your new happy world. Karma is a wonderful thing

Carboncheque · 28/08/2021 09:23

You’re suffering with this aren’t you. Trying to keep everything ‘normal’ for your DC when you’re still in shock and hurt. You’re making all this effort to keep things normal and he’s off with other women and you’re bottling up all the anger and pain.

Have a think about why you’re doing this. Why you feel like not telling your DC until he’s able to move into his new place is the right choice. If you’re doing a good job of keeping up appearances that things are normal between you and your H, it’s going to be a huge shock for them to find out that he’s leaving. Do you still feel that this is the best way to handle things?

Original poster

LanesdownGutted · 28/08/2021 09:25

The reason we have not told the kids is him. He doesn't want to tell them until his purchase has gone through, he thinks telling them then when they can get excited about seeing his new place and have sleepovers is the way to go. And I am respecting his wishes and that's why we are waiting.

I still make all his meals, do his washing, sleep in the same bed (as we don't have a spare room), all to keep the charade going so the kids don't realise anything is wrong. I'm doing all this faking and biting my tongue and swallowing my pride to respect his wish not to tell the kids until his place is done.

I was stupidly thinking he might show me a similar level of respect and hold off on the lying and the dating until he'd left. Even though yes he is single and can do what he wants.

I don't ask where he's going or what he's doing, he volunteers that he's working and I pretend to believe him.

OP posts:

Theunamedcat · 28/08/2021 09:26

You need to understand its not all about him

Stop treating him like a husband

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