AIBU expecting husband to wait until he's out of the family home before dating

[LanesdownGutted]

My H checked out of our marriage 18 months ago when he started a few affairs because I didn't show him enough affection or have enough sex with him. But for me the end of the marriage was when I found out 3 months ago so I'm still adjusting and coming to terms with it all.

He won't leave the home until the purchase of his new place is complete, so we (inc 2 DC who we haven't told yet about the end of the marriage) are still under the same roof.

My problem is that he is still out and about dating and sleeping over women(s) houses, lying to me that he's at work but he's clearly not. I just find it so disrespectful that he couldn't wait until he'd left to do this.

I'm trying to hard to keep things friendly and amicable, as a result the kids have no idea anything is wrong, but he's treating me like an idiot and the home like a hotel.

I just keep running it through my head it's nearly over, just another month or so and he'll be gone.

AIBU to expect him to wait until he's left the family home to start new relationships? I know we're are separated but I feel like he's rubbing my nose in it.

Thanks for reading.

If I was you, on a night he's in, I'd saunter out all dressed up and come back in the morning...just stay at a friend's and don't tell him!

He's decided this so he doesn't get to deal with their hurt and upset. He'll let you do all the work pretending all is well, he'll tell them the day he moves out then swan out the door and leave you to pick up the pieces. He doesn't want to live with it between now and then. Tell them today, you don't have to do what he wants anymore, who cares what he thinks. No washing or doing anything for him. He can sleep on the sofa (if he refuses, just start sobbing and don't stop as soon as he gets in and he'll soon sod off).

Hold on, hold on - you're washing his clothes still? His underwear that he has had on after shagging his dates? You deserve a medal for such. But really, you also need to not launder his bodily fluid filled underpants!

I mean, there is a line and he is way over it. No wonder you're divorcing him. Also once you do separate, you've set a precedent in this time that he controls the story and that he still rules the family. You need to take some control over the process. It's your life too and he no longer has the right to tell you what you can and cannot do.

Ok so you are not separated currently …. People can be separated and still live under the same roof but you need to not have meals together, not fo each other’s laundry, not be sharing a bed. Have a look at the legal “rules” for separating but still living together. If you had to prove it for benefits or for divorce justification currently you wouldn’t pass. Currently you are living together albeit with no sexual relations, as husband and wife. It’s basically staying together for the sake of the kids, oh and he’s having affairs that you know about. I’m the nicest possible way, don’t be a mug. You can’t kick him out no matter what people think, but you can separate and still live together which is what you need to do. You’ve got to be so strong. Good luck

I would gently tell the kids, quit doing his washing and cooking for him. Try to ignore him and count down the days til he's gone. Of course you aren't being unreasonable. He's being nasty x

This arrangement doesn't benefit the kids it benefits him.

How old are the kids?

You need to leave for a night and not tell him where you went, stay at a friends and have a few drinks and a night off.

STOP DOING THINGS FOR THIS INCONSIDERATE TWAT!

When I assumed you were living separate lives in the same house, it seemed fair enough that he was dating.

But sleeping in your bed???

Good god, lass, what are you thinking? He can sleep on the couch or an air bed or in the damned shed, he should be nowhere near you. What humiliating, disrespectful behaviour.

He’s the asshat who destroyed the family. He doesn’t get to choose who knows what to his schedule. Tell the children so it isn’t such a shock when he moves out, boot him out of your bedroom and do not he doing anything for him.

You’re a woman, not his support droid.

www.hepburndelaney.co.uk/family/separated-but-living-together/

See above on what is deemed acceptable

Your expectations and are absolutely sound but you are asking them from someone who is incapable of serving you. Why are you serving him? He will not be grateful.

One thing I’ve learned about people like your h is that they don’t respect kindness and dignity in others. They see it as a weakness to be exploited.
You cannot make him treat you with kindness by being kind yourself. If just doesn’t work like that.

@LanesdownGutted

The reason we have not told the kids is him. He doesn't want to tell them until his purchase has gone through, he thinks telling them then when they can get excited about seeing his new place and have sleepovers is the way to go. And I am respecting his wishes and that's why we are waiting.

I still make all his meals, do his washing, sleep in the same bed (as we don't have a spare room), all to keep the charade going so the kids don't realise anything is wrong. I'm doing all this faking and biting my tongue and swallowing my pride to respect his wish not to tell the kids until his place is done.

I was stupidly thinking he might show me a similar level of respect and hold off on the lying and the dating until he'd left. Even though yes he is single and can do what he wants.

I don't ask where he's going or what he's doing, he volunteers that he's working and I pretend to believe him.

Wow! Tell the kids and stop doing anything for this turd. He can sleep on the couch or stay with a friend. He’s playing you for a fool.

Have a night away with friends. Organise nights out with your friends? You have childcare in the house. Yes he is being disrespectful, yes he’s in the wrong.

How long until he completes on his purchase?

At the moment it sounds like he has the best of both worlds...a wife to do his washing and a family life but also the life of a single man where he can go out and shag around with no need to even hide it

Put a duvet and pillow on the sofa. That’s where he now sleeps. He doesn’t get to sleep around and get all the perks of married life. He’s ripping your life apart because he’s not getting his dick wet enough. Basically. Disgusting. He now gets treated like a lodger. No cooking. No washing. The front door gets locked at 11pm. Why are you facilitating this? You tell your kids that dad has ended the marriage, will be moving out and that he has a new GF. Let him see the impact of his decisions. Or he swans off and leaves you with the mess of heartbroken kids? Fuck that. Tell the kids then you go stay with a friend for a day/night. Why aren’t you going out? He calls all the shots eh?

Yes he should wait. You may have agreed to be single but he hasn't left the family home yet or your bedroom. Why are you doing all that fit him when he's sleep with other women?!

Op, you and the dc are the most important people here. Tell you ex to get to . Stop doing anything for him and I mean anything.
Draw up a rota of who is preparing meals for the children, who has free nights and show him the sofa ASAP and I guarantee he will be gone sooner rather than later and you can start to rebuild.

Is he actually buying a new place? I mean he’s got a cushy number, why wouldn’t he lie about that?

Yes it's a crap thing to do and shows him for who he is , you are well rid

But there is nothing you can do so I would even bother mentioning it personally

So essentially he's trashing your mental health so that he doesn't have to move to temporary digs while the house sale goes through. Bonus that he gets all his meals cooked and clothes washed and house cleaned.

Tell the kids. Kick him out. No more meals and laundry and he sleeps somewhere else - but that's all obvious.

OP, are you online dating? Anyone you want to ask out in real life? You are single! Go out with friends, meet people, go on a few dates. You deserve a little fun!

Good grief, he's set himself up perfectly hasn't he....

Gets to carry on the luxury married life quite normally with getting his meals cooked and washing done.

He gets to shag around whenever he pleases.

Get gets to move out to his nice new home when it's all ready and set up to suit his comfort.

He also doesn't get to deal with the anguish that is awaiting the children as he is just planning on telling him and then running off to his new spot. Let me guess, the arrangement is eow.

But he is being quite deluded to think that the DC don't already know that something is not right. Children are very perceptive and the hiding this from them is actually hindering them not helping them. You don't say how old the DC are, but if they are above toddler age, have you noticed any change in their behaviour the last year or so? I say this from experience. We also thought it was best not to tell the DC right away. But, when we did tell them, they already knew something was not right. Unfortunately that has now resulted in very complex anxiety issues with one of my DC. Please dont just assume they think everything is normal at home.

He really is having his cake and eating it isn't he OP. Life is going to be so much better for you once he has finally moved out. You might find it may be a little sooner if you make his life less cushy from now.

@BrilliantBetty

Have you got a solicitor for your divorce, OP?

Make sure you're fully prepared. And fight for what you need and want.

Absolutely this ^.

If you've not already consulted a solicitor to handle your divorce I'd make that a priority. If you are able to get a personal recommendation from trusted friends that would be good, but also go online. Google "Find a solicitor" and check The Law Society website. Make sure you have all your facts intact: eg financial data for both you and your husband including evidence of salary, savings, pension, mortgage and equity for your house, etc to make the most of your appointment.

Do you have separate and/or joint bank accounts, a job, etc. Protect your funds OP - you're going to need money. If you have joint savings accounts consider transferring half the funds into your own personal account which he has no access to and/or change all your passwords. As a PP said, don't rely on him being fair during the divorce process.

Good luck, and strength to you for the future. 🌹

@LanesdownGutted OP, if you're still reading, I'm a bit worried that you may have not had any legal & financial advice about him buying another property while still married nor about how to protect your own & the children's interests.

Please get advice asap. He may be shafting you.

OP I really hope you are still reading here. I’m aghast at what you’ve said.

Finding out about infidelity is a traumatic experience. Adjusting to your family world being destroyed is huge and you are likely still in shock.

He is using this against you. He is using it to manipulate you.

You need to seek legal advice ASAP. I share the posters above concerns that he’s buying a house in these circumstances.

You must tell your children. They will already suspect something. It does them no favours at all pretending, it can lead to trauma for them and anxiety. Age appropriate honesty at all times. Do not accept blame. Something on the lines of ‘a marriage is an agreement that you won’t do certain things, having girlfriends being one of them and dad broke that rule’.

This is NOT your fault. Do not accept blame for his cheating and continued lack of respect for you and your family.

I remember being told to lace up my bitch boots and that’s exactly what you need to do. No more playing wife, while he gets to cake eat. Stop everything and make it clear you won’t be taken for a fool.

My heart goes out to you and your children.

If this man is continuing to call the shots after betraying you and you are still contining to serve him, it leads to me think that he is bullying you.

Are you ok op?
Do you feel intimidated?

x

This is an awful situation and you are in the lose lose lane.

If you stopped cooking for him or doing his washing, it would impact the children and they are the bottom line in this. All I can suggest is you carry on but find someone in real life you can vent to.