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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AIBU expecting husband to wait until he's out of the family home before dating

118 replies

LanesdownGutted · 28/08/2021 08:46

My H checked out of our marriage 18 months ago when he started a few affairs because I didn't show him enough affection or have enough sex with him. But for me the end of the marriage was when I found out 3 months ago so I'm still adjusting and coming to terms with it all.

He won't leave the home until the purchase of his new place is complete, so we (inc 2 DC who we haven't told yet about the end of the marriage) are still under the same roof.

My problem is that he is still out and about dating and sleeping over women(s) houses, lying to me that he's at work but he's clearly not. I just find it so disrespectful that he couldn't wait until he'd left to do this.

I'm trying to hard to keep things friendly and amicable, as a result the kids have no idea anything is wrong, but he's treating me like an idiot and the home like a hotel.

I just keep running it through my head it's nearly over, just another month or so and he'll be gone.

AIBU to expect him to wait until he's left the family home to start new relationships? I know we're are separated but I feel like he's rubbing my nose in it.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

MilkywayMonarch22 · 28/08/2021 10:13

He is being inconsiderate and disgusting. I'd want him gone from the house!

HalzTangz · 28/08/2021 10:13

Does he seriously believe the kids will be all exited about his house when they find out daddy is leaving. He is warped if he believes that.

Stop pandering to him. Tell him from now on he does all his own shit, you aren't his wife/partner it's not your job to do it.

Tell him also that his warped belief that the kids will be excited is fantasy, and they need to be told now so they can adjust before he moves and they have to spend time at his house away from mum

RantyAunty · 28/08/2021 10:16

Banish this horrible arse to the couch and tell the DC this weekend.

It'll be better for them to know now than when he suddenly decides to feck off.

He wants to to continue on to make an easy life for himself with you continuing to be his skivvy while he writes doormat across your face.

Stop doing anything for him at all. Nothing. Pretend he is a roommate. He can buy his own food, cook it, wash his own clothes, clean up after himself, etc. and have him start taking the children by himself.

Outbutnotoutout · 28/08/2021 10:17

How old are the kids?

Divorce him for adultery

girlmom21 · 28/08/2021 10:18

Shagging around when you believe you're still in a committed marriage is much worse than him doing it now he's single.

If you're still sharing a bed I'd be glad of the nights when he's not there to be honest.

RandomMess · 28/08/2021 10:18

The DC need time to adjust now, either he tells them with you or you do it.

No more meals/laundry/anything for him.

You need to protect your finances too, hope you have a copy of his payslips etc so he doesn't wheedle out of paying maintenance and no paying the mortgage of a house he still part owns (ie an asset) doesn't mean he shirks paying child maintenance.

GiveMeAUserName123 · 28/08/2021 10:19

“John, your turn to watch the kids Saturday night, im swinging from the chandeliers with Marco, don’t forget to give them dinner.Thanks.....Hun.”

Then rent a lovely hotel, take a book, have a bath and relax for the night.

TheReluctantPhoenix · 28/08/2021 10:22

Agree with most of the above.

He does not get to dictate the agenda.

Tell the children and, from today on, he is equally responsible for meals, laundry etc etc.

Let him start to earn the children’s respect.

PleasantBirthday · 28/08/2021 10:25

I take it you're doing all the childcare while he shags around? Do you have reciprocal time alone out of the house while he does his share?

Mycatismadeofstringcheese · 28/08/2021 10:26

He’s an entitled bastard. He wants his wife appliance to keep servicing his needs until he can easily move to mistress appliance.

Stop doing anything for him. You don’t need to maintain normality for the children. It’s damaging for you and damaging for them.
He can sleep in the sofa.

He’ll call you names for not doing what he wants, but so what. He’s a dick and it might get him out of the house sooner so you can get in with your life if he realises he’s not going to have wifey at home scrubbing the staines out if his pants while he goes out looking for sex.

He’s treating you appallingly. Don’t go along with it.

Read www.chumplady.com

Beamur · 28/08/2021 10:58

Don't blame yourself OP.
He's done a right number on you. Make sure you get a good lawyer and don't roll over during the divorce. He's used to you being passive and co-operative.
The day will come that you will see this break up for the blessing it truly is. You are well rid.

Onelifeonly · 28/08/2021 11:14

I agree with what everybody is saying. He has had no respect for you for a long time now, so your respect is wasted on him. Take charge and put you and your children first.

On top of that, honesty is the best policy in dealing with children - they don't need to know the gory details but they need the bigger picture and they need time to adjust to dad living somewhere else. If he won't agree, just tell him you are telling them asap. You haven't said how old they are but it's likely they have sensed something is up anyway.

LannieDuck · 28/08/2021 11:19

I agree- tell the kids, stop doing his chores for him.

And he needs to do half the childcare, so agree which days he's the default parent... and you can go out to have some time to yourself. He won't like that.

BrilliantBetty · 28/08/2021 11:21

Have you got a solicitor for your divorce, OP?

Make sure you're fully prepared. And fight for what you need and want.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 28/08/2021 11:22

YANBU it's really disrespectful. What sort of woman dates a man who is living with his wife and kids anyway?

nuro · 28/08/2021 11:32

Jeez he's a scum bag.
Talk about having your cake and eating it too!
I'm guessing if you stop being his domestic servant he will punish you financially?

He sounds so horrible and you are well rid of him (when you can get rid of him!)

ZenNudist · 28/08/2021 11:32

Urgh I'm glad you're telling the dc and you're stopping looking after him.

He is an awful person and you are better off without him. Cliche but true.

Being amicable is only to his benefit. You're respecting his wishes but he is not respecting yours. You can't tell him not to sleep with other women but you can stop making his life totally normal when he chooses to waltz back in.

category12 · 28/08/2021 11:33

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

YANBU it's really disrespectful. What sort of woman dates a man who is living with his wife and kids anyway?

Don't blame the other women, I doubt they have any idea of the circumstances.

Frannibananni · 28/08/2021 11:33

He is manipulating you, your children won’t care who is doing his washing. He really is playing you. If he really is being serious about being a cohesive joint parent what is he doing for you? He wants you to play by his rules to make his life easy. Fuck what you want.

notapizzaeater · 28/08/2021 11:34

Stop doing everything fir him, he's got no incentive to actually do anything here. Have you spoken to a solicitor to make sure you're getting everything you're entitled to. If you was claiming benefits as a single person they wouldn't accept it as you're still 'doing' married things !

RandomMess · 28/08/2021 11:43

Book yourself a weekend away next weekend and leave him with the DC go visits friends or just have some time out.

Onthedunes · 28/08/2021 12:13

What a cruel man he is.

He was unfaithful and then put the blame on you.
Your pain and anguish over his betrayal has been completely ignored and now he is dictating terms of how you marriage should end to make life easier for him.

He has you so low in confidence it sounds as there is no fight left in you.

This will be puposeful now, I should imagine he will be financially fucking you over.

Make sure you have a good lawyer, do let him convince you to divorce amicably without professional help.

He really is a self entitled wanker, I,ve got a feeling you are going to be ok when this twat finally leaves your life.

Good luck and keep posting, advice about the divorce from others on here will help you.

category12 · 28/08/2021 12:28

@Onthedunes

What a cruel man he is.

He has you so low in confidence it sounds as there is no fight left in you.

This will be puposeful now, I should imagine he will be financially fucking you over.

Make sure you have a good lawyer, do let him convince you to divorce amicably without professional help.

He really is a self entitled wanker, I,ve got a feeling you are going to be ok when this twat finally leaves your life.

Good luck and keep posting, advice about the divorce from others on here will help you.

Yes, OP, please go and see a solicitor if you haven't already. You could get started on the divorce yourself, but fgs make sure you protect yourself. "His" new house will also be yours (and your liability) if you're legally & financially linked by marriage - you really need proper advice.

He's out for himself, he may be saying this is for the benefit of the kids etc, but he's shown nothing but selfishness throughout.

And if he rips you off, remember, it's not just you, it's the dc who suffer, whose security and opportunities will be affected. You need to be Mama Bear and make sure you get your share of the marital assets. You won't be able to rely on him doing the right thing by your children, sometimes men just move on without a backward glance.

Notcoolmum · 28/08/2021 13:12

Glad to hear you are stopping going along with this charade to keep him happy. He showed zero respect for you the first time he put his dick into another woman whilst you were home looking after his children.

AgentJohnson · 28/08/2021 13:24

Yes it’s incredibly disrespectful but given his behaviour it’s what you’d expect from him.

Tell your kids and stop letting him walk all over you. It takes two to be amicable and sadly he’s continuing to be a selfish twat.

Find your anger!

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