AIBU expecting husband to wait until he's out of the family home before dating

[LanesdownGutted]

My H checked out of our marriage 18 months ago when he started a few affairs because I didn't show him enough affection or have enough sex with him. But for me the end of the marriage was when I found out 3 months ago so I'm still adjusting and coming to terms with it all.

He won't leave the home until the purchase of his new place is complete, so we (inc 2 DC who we haven't told yet about the end of the marriage) are still under the same roof.

My problem is that he is still out and about dating and sleeping over women(s) houses, lying to me that he's at work but he's clearly not. I just find it so disrespectful that he couldn't wait until he'd left to do this.

I'm trying to hard to keep things friendly and amicable, as a result the kids have no idea anything is wrong, but he's treating me like an idiot and the home like a hotel.

I just keep running it through my head it's nearly over, just another month or so and he'll be gone.

AIBU to expect him to wait until he's left the family home to start new relationships? I know we're are separated but I feel like he's rubbing my nose in it.

Thanks for reading.

’he thinks telling them then when they can get excited about seeing his new place and have sleepovers is the way to go’

What do you think?

@LanesdownGutted

The reason we have not told the kids is him. He doesn't want to tell them until his purchase has gone through, he thinks telling them then when they can get excited about seeing his new place and have sleepovers is the way to go. And I am respecting his wishes and that's why we are waiting.

I still make all his meals, do his washing, sleep in the same bed (as we don't have a spare room), all to keep the charade going so the kids don't realise anything is wrong. I'm doing all this faking and biting my tongue and swallowing my pride to respect his wish not to tell the kids until his place is done.

I was stupidly thinking he might show me a similar level of respect and hold off on the lying and the dating until he'd left. Even though yes he is single and can do what he wants.

I don't ask where he's going or what he's doing, he volunteers that he's working and I pretend to believe him.

Stop this immediately. The only one benefitting from this is him. Look after yourself and stop running around after him.

@LanesdownGutted

The reason we have not told the kids is him. He doesn't want to tell them until his purchase has gone through, he thinks telling them then when they can get excited about seeing his new place and have sleepovers is the way to go. And I am respecting his wishes and that's why we are waiting.

I still make all his meals, do his washing, sleep in the same bed (as we don't have a spare room), all to keep the charade going so the kids don't realise anything is wrong. I'm doing all this faking and biting my tongue and swallowing my pride to respect his wish not to tell the kids until his place is done.

I was stupidly thinking he might show me a similar level of respect and hold off on the lying and the dating until he'd left. Even though yes he is single and can do what he wants.

I don't ask where he's going or what he's doing, he volunteers that he's working and I pretend to believe him.

Sorry , but you're mad to do all that. Where does being amicable get you ?? Nowhere.
Just tell the kids , he's cheated and he's leaving the family.

He doesn't get to call all the shots anymore.

Ok. You need to stop this.
This is a terrible situation you are in and it's coming from a 'good place' but frankly you're a fool.
Sleeping beside a man who is sleeping around and doesn't give you an ounce of respect.

Why should you be this invested in the kids being excited about his new place. It's not for you to suffer for.

Could you leave, with the DC if necessary until he gets out of your house. Go to family, you need some TLC

Tell the kids.

1. The kids can go and see the house he’s buying before it completes, so they can get excited about it now and he can order furniture etc now so there’s no delay.
2. stop treating him like your husband, no dinners, no washing, no bed etc

Jesus, please stop. "Respecting his wishes"?! Fuck that. I'd tell the kids and tell him exactly how it will be from now on.

I think pretending everything is fine right up to the point he moves out is going to be very upsetting for the children. He's doing this because he doesn't want to be the bad guy.

Yeah you're all right you know, I've made a bad situation much worse by trying to do the right thing but actually getting it really wrong.

I'll tell him we're telling them this weekend. I wish to god I'd done what I wanted and told them at the beginning of school holidays.

@NotFrozen

OP I would be so upset and angry at this. It’s completely disrespectful to you. You do deserve respect as his wife and the mother of his children. I can’t relate to the women who think it’s ok and have never met women irl who would be ok with this.

Me neither, I honestly can't believe some of the replies on here. Would these same women honestly be happy with this if they were in the OP's situation? No, thought not.

Please OP, find some self respect, because he doesn't respect you
Tell the children he is leaving.
Stop doing anything for him, he is no longer your husband (in practice).
Make sure he does his share of childcare if you want to go out etc
You owe this man nothing.

Oh wow, that is difficult reading, your cooking, cleaning, doing what you can to please him, sleeping in the same bed etc with a man who cheated on you and is now single and dating other women?

That’s so many shades Of wrong, the marriage is over op. You need to start acting like it is and stop acting like a surrendered house wife, I’m sorry,

@LanesdownGutted

The reason we have not told the kids is him. He doesn't want to tell them until his purchase has gone through, he thinks telling them then when they can get excited about seeing his new place and have sleepovers is the way to go. And I am respecting his wishes and that's why we are waiting.

I still make all his meals, do his washing, sleep in the same bed (as we don't have a spare room), all to keep the charade going so the kids don't realise anything is wrong. I'm doing all this faking and biting my tongue and swallowing my pride to respect his wish not to tell the kids until his place is done.

I was stupidly thinking he might show me a similar level of respect and hold off on the lying and the dating until he'd left. Even though yes he is single and can do what he wants.

I don't ask where he's going or what he's doing, he volunteers that he's working and I pretend to believe him.

Who died and made him king?

Stop the charade, he can sleep on the sofa.

It's going to be a massive shock to your children when he does move out if you're both pretending everything is fine right up to then, and they may remember and resent you for it.

A relative did this, (although I don't think his wife at the time was aware he was doing it) - got his new place ready and basically announced he was leaving and "here's my new house" to the children. It broke his relationship with his eldest, as she'd had zero idea there were any problems and it just seemed like he was a big fat liar.

And stop doing his damned washing.

There's trying to be amicable and there's writing "welcome" across your forehead.

’I've made a bad situation much worse by trying to do the right thing but actually getting it really wrong’

Give yourself a break! At worst, you’ve been lead by him at a time that you were reeling with the shock of your marriage ending.

Have you got any real life support? Friends that you can talk to about this?

Jeez almighty what am i reading OP. Stop being a doormat for this wankstain of a man!

YOU tell the kids.
Kick him onto the sofa
Stop cooking and cleaning for him. Make life uncomfortable so this wanker fucks off sooner!!

I can see the logic with family meals, just about... But his washing? Please just stop, for your own sake. It's a small thing but drawing a line there might help you to feel better.

He is an arse of the highest order.

@Beamur

I think pretending everything is fine right up to the point he moves out is going to be very upsetting for the children. He's doing this because he doesn't want to be the bad guy.

This is bang on. He doesn't want to deal with the inevitable tears and devastated children for a second longer than necessary.

I honestly think telling them before he goes is the better option, gives them a chance to process it and for it not to come out of the blue.

He wants it this way for his own convenience, what an utter dickhead.

God how horrible. I don't think there's much you can do but my Lord you're going to be ecstatic when you're living alone

I'm a little confused, did he tell you 18 months ago that the relationship is over, then bought a house 3 months ago when you took it seriously that the relationship was over.

Or did he only tell you 3 months ago but said for him it was over long before?

Either way, the relationship is over and he's moving out, technically he's free to see who he wants as are you. I'm assuming as the kids haven't picked up on anything then his actions aren't overtly obvious.

Unless his actions are impacting on childcare there is little you can say or do about who or where he spends his time.

What you can do though is stop doing anything for him (washing, cooking, cleaning his mess up etc).
If he is moving out in a matter of weeks you do both need to sit the children down and explain this, let them have time to digest what is happening. When were you planning on telling them, the day he gets the keys to his new house?

Good god OP! You’re still doing his washing and cooking, and sleeping next to him after he’s cheated on you for over a year and is now blatantly shagging other women in front of your face!

Something to look into after you get this bastard out of your house - you seriously must have very low self esteem and self worth. Please get some support to help build yourself up. How would you feel if your daughter was living what you’re living?

STOP doing anything for this scumbag and tell your DC that their Dad has decided he wants to be with other women so is moving out (the truth, do NOT take any blame!), so they’re not blindsided. He can deal with their upset in between his shagging sessions!

Good luck OP. You are worth so much more than your pig of a husband .

I don't think its a good idea to live a lie like this. Its too stressful.

harkeyquim

He’s probably doing it on purpose to teach you a valuable lesson. I don’t imagine there is much point in asking him to stop

What valuable lesson is he trying to teach OP?

I agree with other posters. He has decided he wants to end things and will be moving out. But while he's still in the marital bed and living in the family home he should hold off.

Can't he cope for another few weeks with no sex?

He sounds at worst cruel and at best absolutely clueless about kids if he thinks their reaction to their parents splitting will be excitement about dad's new house.
What a prick. It will be a bombshell and they need to be prepared.
AAgree with pp, start preparing yourself for freedom by stopping washing and cooking for him. Maybe tell him to go and live in a hotel or with friends until his place is ready.

Wow, this man really has you dancing to his tune doesn’t he? He cheats, then tells you it’s your fault for not giving him the required amount of sex and affection. Now he is acting like a single man but coming home to ironed socks and a comfy bed. Time to get control and start calling the shots. Start with making him sleep on the floor or on the sofa. Stop doing his washing and making meals. Act like he is not there until he is not there.