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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AIBU expecting husband to wait until he's out of the family home before dating

118 replies

LanesdownGutted · 28/08/2021 08:46

My H checked out of our marriage 18 months ago when he started a few affairs because I didn't show him enough affection or have enough sex with him. But for me the end of the marriage was when I found out 3 months ago so I'm still adjusting and coming to terms with it all.

He won't leave the home until the purchase of his new place is complete, so we (inc 2 DC who we haven't told yet about the end of the marriage) are still under the same roof.

My problem is that he is still out and about dating and sleeping over women(s) houses, lying to me that he's at work but he's clearly not. I just find it so disrespectful that he couldn't wait until he'd left to do this.

I'm trying to hard to keep things friendly and amicable, as a result the kids have no idea anything is wrong, but he's treating me like an idiot and the home like a hotel.

I just keep running it through my head it's nearly over, just another month or so and he'll be gone.

AIBU to expect him to wait until he's left the family home to start new relationships? I know we're are separated but I feel like he's rubbing my nose in it.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

category12 · 29/08/2021 10:39

Nonsense, it wouldn't impact on the children to stop doing his laundry (or meals).

feeficken · 29/08/2021 10:53

Oh wow I am a man and I’ve got to say I’m shocked by some of these replies, this is really simple, he’s being a disrespectful arsehole, you know what people are right he is separated but it’s not about that is it, it’s about common decency and waiting until he is able to do what he wants without making an already incredibly stressful and unbearable time even more so.

What he should do is stop his cake eating, grow a pair and move out to a short term rental until his place is ready and then he can do whatever fuck he likes.

I have no idea @LanesdownGutted if you still have feelings for your DH and if you do I am really sorry your going through that as it just makes it so much worse.

Original poster

LanesdownGutted · 29/08/2021 15:13

Thank you all for your comments. I told the DCs yesterday, you were all right the best thing was for them was to be told before school starts not waiting on whens good for him. I knew this, just needed reminding!

Financially I'm all good thanks for the concern though, but 3 months ago, as soon as I found out about the affairs I started the process to buy him out the house.

I'm not even going to acknowledge that I know he's dating people I'm not going to give him the satisfaction of even mentioning it. And I've also taken on board all other advice on stopping doing things for him. This is going to be easier now I don't have to keep up a charade for the kids benefit.

I was gutted 3 months ago to learn about the affairs but I see him clearly now and who he is and I know finding out is the best thing to have happened. I'm counting down the days until he's out of the house and me and my kids can begin our new normal.

Thanks for all the advice.

OP posts:

PearlyBird · 29/08/2021 15:20

Wow, he sounds like a shabby article, very easily bored, selfish and immature. Congratulations on getting this shagger out of your house. Now it's you and your family.
I would encourage you to pin him down to specific days of the week that you can bank on now, you may not feel like getting OUT THERE quite yet, but whether it's dating or a yoga retreat or a night away in a hotel with a friend, you deserve to be able to plan a bit of a child free life too and don't let him rob you of that opportunity.

While he's all big talk about wanting what's best for the children see what you can pin him down to.

MrsMaizel · 29/08/2021 15:28

Well he didn't respect you enough when he was married to you so why would he do so when you are "separated " ?

I still make all his meals, do his washing, sleep in the same bed (as we don't have a spare room), all to keep the charade going so the kids don't realise anything is wrong You need to stop all of this crap and get him to move out .

Carboncheque · 29/08/2021 15:29

Good luck.

Your children are very lucky to have you. You kept everything in and pretended things were normal for months to try to do right by them. You might feel now that it wasn’t the best decision but it must have taken so much strength to get through that and you did it for the best reasons.

toobusytothink · 29/08/2021 15:49

Well done. Hope the kids are ok. They certainly will be - and will be better off in the long run. Stay strong x

Doomscrolling · 29/08/2021 16:26

Good luck! Hope he’s out sooner rather than later.

Onthedunes · 29/08/2021 17:11

You sound remarkable, very strong, able and decisive.

I think you are going to be just fine without him.

Good luck.

Leibham · 29/08/2021 17:15

Completely detach and disassociate yourself from him, aim to not care what he does and focus on yourself and your DC. He doesn’t deserve anything but feigned politeness from you.

Redruby2020 · 29/08/2021 17:23

I think it is a bit out of order to be honest. But since you have known for a little while that he has been having affairs, now that you both know it is over, he clearly thinks he can go and enjoy himself. I do hope that whilst he remains in the family home, that he is pulling his weight where the children are concerned, not just popping out here and there and being able to do so, because you are sat at home covering everything!

1forAll74 · 29/08/2021 17:47

The fact that you know how he is operating like this now, is not very respectful towards you, despite it being his prerogative to do as he pleases. It's unkind to not consider others feelings , especially as you were married with children before. This will make you realise, that he is a very thoughtless person, and only cares about himself. Others may discover this trait of his later.

MadeForThis · 29/08/2021 17:56

You are separated so you should act like it. Stick to your guns and do nothing for him. He can sleep on the couch when he bothers to come home.

isthismylifenow · 29/08/2021 19:39

@LanesdownGutted

Financially I'm all good thanks for the concern though, but 3 months ago, as soon as I found out about the affairs I started the process to buy him out the house.

Thanks for all the advice.

How did the DC take the news OP? I think that this is one of the hardest conversations to have when a marriage breaks down.

Good for you for taking charge of the situation, it sounds like you have a little fire in you that I didn't pick up on before.

Original poster

LanesdownGutted · 29/08/2021 20:05

@isthismylifenow they were devasted I've spared them from the worst of the details bless them. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, break their hearts like that. They had no idea so their world was turned upside down.

But I'll get them through this.

Thank you all again.

OP posts:

isthismylifenow · 29/08/2021 20:13

[quote LanesdownGutted]@isthismylifenow they were devasted I've spared them from the worst of the details bless them. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, break their hearts like that. They had no idea so their world was turned upside down.

But I'll get them through this.

Thank you all again.[/quote]
I'm sorry. I know it's tough, but now they know and you can start thinking of the myriad of replies you will need over the next little while.

I don't know their ages but I never did tell my DC that their father had an affair. I didn't want there to be a situation where one parent was bad mouthing the other. It's tough enough as it is, without them feeling in the middle of their parents problems.

You sound like an amazing lady and a good mum. This has already put you in good heed for your new life which is ahead of you.

Keep this post and refer back to it every now and then if and when you are feeling a bit down or lost. It's a great way to make you realise what great leaps you have made.

to you.

toobusytothink · 29/08/2021 20:15

I remember the conversation well op. Easily the hardest day of my life and it was absolutely gut wrenching to see my 2 so upset and inconsolable. But ….. in your case it isn’t a choice (well it is but your ex has chosen to be an arse) so it has to happen and they will be ok with lots of love. You sound amazing so I know you’ll get them through it. And you will get through it too - just don’t be taken for a mug and stay strong. Print out the list of things the court would have to see to prove that whilst you may be living together you are separated and show it to your ex if necessary as an “excuse” as to why he can’t be in your bed and you can’t do his laundry or shopping or cooking….

helentomelon · 29/08/2021 20:33

Well done, that must have been incredibly hard. Mine were two young to know and I do think that made things easier.

So he's on the sofa tonight?

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