What social cues are used when trying to encourage guests to leave?

[PandemicAtTheDisco]

I am struggling to explain to someone what social cues they should look out for when a host wants them as a guest to leave.

I've mentioned mealtimes and drinks. You time your visits around meals or plan with them beforehand to be eating together. When they stop offering drinks or mentioning their plans for the rest of the day. If they start mentioning how tired they are, yawning etc in an evening.

I am not sure if the person I'm trying to help is deliberately ignoring the hosts' social cues as they are lonely and don't want to leave to go home to an empty house or if they are just not picking up on them.

What social cues are used? What do you look out for?

Is the person you're talking to not neurotypical?

If it's the evening, e.g. after a meal, I offer a coffee or tea. And if they still don't leave, I'll then start clearing up!

If it's the daytime, I'd start tidying up and might mention an upcoming appointment, or a need to nip out to do the shopping or something. These may or may not be fictional appointments, depending on whether the guest is looking likely to leave or not!!

When they start saying, 'oh well...' instead of starting a new conversation.

I should add this doesn't always work, such as during one memorable playdate where the family literally didn't leave after an hour of me dropping increasingly less subtle hints, even when I got my and DD's coats on and stood at the door. I had to carry out an elaborate charade involving a fake phone call and a fake outing with DD (and the family were still stood outside our door when we came back from our walk around the block so we had to beat a hasty retreat and hide in a nearby café! It was excruciating.)

If your host asks you what plans you have for the rest of the day/evening.

'Gosh is that the time?!'

'Right! Well...' gets up

'Dont let me keep you from...'
'I've been procrastinating long enough, I'd best get back to...'

'We must do this again sometime'.

“This has been lovely, we should do it again some time”

I prefer the direct approach. "it's past my bedtime" is usually true. Or explain you have stuff to do. Honesty is the best policy

I just tell my friends 'I'm kicking you out now, byeeee'

I hate it when people give ambiguous cues like "you're welcome to stay longer if you want but I've got X to do"

This reminds me of the time my SIL 'popped in' and stayed from 1-8pm. She missed several cues to leave..after lunch, after a cup of tea, after a sport event on TV, even when in desperation I announced I was going out that evening (I wasn't ). It was dreadful, she just ignored all our 'right then' hints. To me I think there's a certain tone that suggests it's time to leave. If the host says they have something to do as well, I would take that as a hint to leave because it shows they're moving on from the visit to think about their plans after. I'm always really conscious of outstaying my welcome so will sometimes just check that its OK for me to stay a bit longer.

Saying, whilst standing up: "Well, it's been so lovely seeing you...".

Fuck off fruit

My husband is not from the U.K. when we visit his home country and his family you know that you’re time is up when you’re served some fruit. Several bowls of whole fruits appear from the kitchen and offered round. You consume the fruit and leave shortly after. I like to refer it as fuck off fruit!
I have attempted it with my guests in the U.K. but they don’t understand it (unless they have experience of the custom). I have tried hoovering to get people to leave in the past but now I just politely say I have things I want to do/plans/tired (if evening) so will need to wrap up the visit

Lots of the above, plus:

Shall I call you a taxi?
Now where did we put your coat/bag/box of leftover food?

I got it wrong once. I try to never be the last to leave a party. But on one occasion, the hosts wanted most of the guests to leave, and for one particular couple to stay over. I didn’t realise

If it's someone non nt then you will likely struggle to cover it all. We brits are strange and seem not to be able to say what we mean. I have a son with asd and he cannot grasp why people don't just say what they mean. People saying the opposite of what they mean (like irony) is even harder for him, it's just confusing!

Guidance for someone who finds knowing when to leave tricky: most visits should be less than 2 hours, unless you are still engaged in eating or there is a planned activity/specific invitation for after the 2 hour window.

My mother would say “ Right. Early day tomorrow. Shall I get your coats?”

Offering coffee

If the person you're trying to help is non NT, then maybe coming at it from a different angle would be worth a try.

Instead of looking for unspoken cues which they might fail to see (and cause anxiety about it and potentially a feeling of failure) why not come up with some phrases or questions that the guest could use?

Such as, on arrival, saying "I thought I'd stay til about Xpm - does that fit your plans?" That gives the host a chance to say "Yes perfect" or "Oh actually we need to be somewhere

@42levelsandnolift

Guidance for someone who finds knowing when to leave tricky: most visits should be less than 2 hours, unless you are still engaged in eating or there is a planned activity/specific invitation for after the 2 hour window.

I was going to say similar. I am NT and I struggle at times with hints. Especially if the host keeps wittering on and I am trying to leave after picking up on a hint. I just set myself a time limit of under 2 hours and then go, best to leave them wanting more than wishing you'd f* off. When I have stayed at friends homes over night I always go by saying 'The first day a guest, second a burden, and the third day a pest.'

Posted too soon!

The host can say "oh we need to be somewhere at Xpm, are you alright popping off at X-0.5pm?" or conversely "Oh why don't you stop a bit longer, we're having a bite to eat at X+1pm and there's plenty to go round!"

Or later in the visit, at around the 60-90 min mark, they could ask "So what are you up to later on? I'm looking forward to reading a new book I've bought." This gives the host an opportunity to say "I'm cooking a moussaka for tea and, oh gosh! I need to go out shopping/start prepping really" or something similar. NOTE: guest should mention solo plans so it doesn't sound like they're angling for an invite to, eg, watch TV together.

There’s cues? I literally just say ‘thanks for coming, it was great seeing you’ give the classic ol’ British knee slap and stand up.

My BIL opens the curtains and windows (evening guests) and says ' would you like coffee before you go?'

I just make it clear at the start of a visit / playdate that we have x plans at x o clock. Which are always totally true and usually school or nursery pick ups.
When I'm at someone's house for a play date I'll usually say myself after about 2 hrs - just let me know when you want to kick us out. My friends do the same. Works fine.

My friend is direct and says right I need to call it a night now