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Original poster

What social cues are used when trying to encourage guests to leave?

122 replies

PandemicAtTheDisco · 27/08/2021 13:54

I am struggling to explain to someone what social cues they should look out for when a host wants them as a guest to leave.

I've mentioned mealtimes and drinks. You time your visits around meals or plan with them beforehand to be eating together. When they stop offering drinks or mentioning their plans for the rest of the day. If they start mentioning how tired they are, yawning etc in an evening.

I am not sure if the person I'm trying to help is deliberately ignoring the hosts' social cues as they are lonely and don't want to leave to go home to an empty house or if they are just not picking up on them.

What social cues are used? What do you look out for?

OP posts:
EarthSight · 28/08/2021 09:44

Try this for someone who's not getting the message -

Smile warmly as you feel you have reached the end of a conversation and brightly say 'Right! It's been really lovely to see you. Let me know how 'x' goes. I'm going to have to say goodbye now, but let's catch up again yes?'

If the person should reach for their bag, and get up and start making their way towards the door at this point. There might be further pleasantries in the hall or driveway, as is the custom of the Long British Goodbye, but at least they're on their feet and know it's leaving time.

leavesthataregreen · 28/08/2021 09:44

@ThorsLeftNut

There’s cues? I literally just say ‘thanks for coming, it was great seeing you’ give the classic ol’ British knee slap and stand up.
I like the directness of this, but it would also make me feel like there had been a subtler earlier cue I might have missed. Would you have made one first or do you wait until you have had enough and go straight for the direct comment.
EarthSight · 28/08/2021 09:47

@PandemicAtTheDisco

I suspect they are neurodiverse but slight learning difficulties have previously been suggested.

They have now been specifically told to only visit between 2 and 4 and are very upset that their visits are now being 'timed'. The more I hear, the more I think they are ignoring the social cues. They stayed for 6 hours without eating and were 'only' offered two drinks.

A lot of people do ignore social cues if they're determined to have something. It can be a poor sign of self-discipline and putting their needs above yours.
VictoriaBun · 28/08/2021 09:58

@Cherrysoup

You say to your guest in the evening " Breakfast will be at x x , as we need to be out of the house by xx"

42levelsandnolift · 28/08/2021 10:00

@Dilbertian, I think you won’t be alone and your friends won’t be in the least bit sad or cross. I have several amazing friends from other cultures that stay much longer than the “two hours daytime” and I think it’s because they don’t necessarily do that in their home country.

I normally specify I’m going to X at Y time so not to offend in those cases, even though I’m sure there is probably a “done thing” from their culture too, I’m a bit afraid to ask in case they think I don’t want them there at all! Blush

Neverrains · 28/08/2021 10:12

My grandma just says… ‘did you bring a coat? I’ll go and fetch it for you’ Grin

L1ttleSeahorse · 28/08/2021 10:15

Oh 😔. I thought "would you like another cup of tea before you go?" Meant just that. So I'd be relieved of the cue and have a cup of tea and then go.

Have I been doing this wrong all this time?!

L1ttleSeahorse · 28/08/2021 10:16

I used to do more than 2 hours when a sahm with small kids. We used to enjoy spending the time together... I think....

L1ttleSeahorse · 28/08/2021 10:19

I find it difficult to know if its a "one hour cup of tea" or afternoon chattering away. Different friends obviously had different expectations.

Similar the "norm" for leaving of an evening varies...

I find it a minefield and suspect now I may have outstayed welcome :( I love chatting with friends.

On the other hand I have one friend who comes and its not 2-way. She just talks at me and I've had ti get better at interupting her to say I need to go to bed/go to next thing.

ZenNudist · 28/08/2021 10:21

I don't ever have this problem because I just tell people/ agree a time frame at the start. Usually I've got to go and do x by x time so can only do UK to say 3. They usually have somewhere to go too.

I honestly can't think of a time I've had to give hints.

WouldBeGood · 28/08/2021 10:24

@BerryPieandCustard I love the fuck off fruit!

simitra · 28/08/2021 10:32

I can recall visiting my grandmother as a girl and the timing of visits was always specified as 2-5 pm on a sunday. If I was slow on the uptake my grandmother would look pointedly at the clock and say "Time for you to leave child" and I would collect my things and go. One never argued with my grandmother as she was a real matriarch. I often wonder if she was quite so direct with adult visiters. Probably she was.

In my parents house it was not quite so direct. "Well I must xxx now. Can I get you anything before you go?"

SnatchCassidy · 28/08/2021 10:39

@PandemicAtTheDisco

I am struggling to explain to someone what social cues they should look out for when a host wants them as a guest to leave.

I've mentioned mealtimes and drinks. You time your visits around meals or plan with them beforehand to be eating together. When they stop offering drinks or mentioning their plans for the rest of the day. If they start mentioning how tired they are, yawning etc in an evening.

I am not sure if the person I'm trying to help is deliberately ignoring the hosts' social cues as they are lonely and don't want to leave to go home to an empty house or if they are just not picking up on them.

What social cues are used? What do you look out for?

One usually swaps ones handbag over from one arm to the other Wink
MenaiMna · 28/08/2021 11:42

@cherrysoup as soon as they arrive:
"So nice to see you, such a shame DH has double booked us and we have X thing (timed ticketed event, no more tickets available) to do at 11am I guess we will all be up early to get out on time."
At bedtime "hope we all sleep well...busy busy busy tomorrow"
At 8 am "is everyone up? Let's get going; guest you can have the bathroom while I sort breakfast"
Serve a meagre breakfast while DC are sent to get dressed and then help guest to their car at 9:30. Everyone goes back to bed!

godmum56 · 28/08/2021 11:49

@PandemicAtTheDiscoPandemicAtTheDisco Fri 27-Aug-21 18:33:52
godmum56
"I think if he is missing or reluctant to pick up on cues then maybe he has to learn to self regulate and that includes asking up front "when do you want me to leave?"....but from what you have said, first he has to understand and accept that his current behaviour is problematic, not least to himself......spotting the cues is quite a long way away from not even grasping that his expectations are different from his hosts'"

"The guest is aware there is a problem and feeling sad they are not invited around much anymore. They don't seem aware that it is most likely the length of their visits that is the issue rather that people no longer liking them."

yes that's what I meant, although if he has been told 2-4 ONLY, can he not link that to his problematic behaviour of overstaying? If they can't/won't take that on board then they arer quite a way from being able to look for signals

I think I need to focus more on getting them to understand their expectations of visiting for 5-6 hours is too much.

KingdomScrolls · 28/08/2021 11:50

I have a friend who creates a playlist for BBQs/parties and says to everyone in advance when the music is over so is the party 😂

MyShrivelledGnarlyFinger · 28/08/2021 14:13

@L1ttleSeahorse

Oh 😔. I thought "would you like another cup of tea before you go?" Meant just that. So I'd be relieved of the cue and have a cup of tea and then go.

Have I been doing this wrong all this time?!

Yes it does mean that, but gives the visitor the cue to leave if they wish without causing offence.
L1ttleSeahorse · 28/08/2021 14:22

"Overstaying" is subjective though isnt it?

I have friends who I meet for a coffee but also friends I will spend a whole afternoon with. I love a leisurely afternoon without having to rush. Very different to nipping in somewhere. When I invite friends over at the weekend its often for longer than just a quick cup of tea.

L1ttleSeahorse · 28/08/2021 14:23

SimSimilar"going to the park." Some friends we go to a park with or for a walk and they're thinking an hour. Other friends we've settled in and stayed all afternoon, got an icecream to tide over etc.

Iloveginger · 28/08/2021 14:45

I don't think hints are something that are necessarily learnt as a kid. Manners and being polite, yes, but reading between the lines not so much.
My parents weren't great socialisers, so its not behaviour that was modelled to me as I was growing up, its something that I have learned as an adult, but even so some of these have gone over my head.
I always thought that ' what are your plans for the rest of the evening' was an invitation to stay longer. I am quite an introverted person, so I am usually thinking 'jeez, I want to go home now, not stay here' . So it is having the desired effect, as I make a polite excuse to go home (and feel sorry for my lonely host Smile)
My family are quite direct and in turn, so am I. I think there is a tendency to think that others are the same as you and they will also communicate clearly with you.
I'm left wondering with half of these guests that are outstaying there welcome, if its just a case of crossed wires and people just not being clear enough, as opposed to purposely ignoring them.

ThorsLeftNut · 30/08/2021 09:06

@leavesthataregreen I’m just that direct.
I don’t tend to do subtle cues because I’m quite a direct person, same with phone calls I just go ‘right; well I best crack on, speak to you later’

My husband however… would take a week to say goodbye to someone and also encourages people to stay. Then later complains that they stayed. We’re probably a confusing house.

BabyLeaf · 30/08/2021 12:14

Before kids I would just say something like ‘this has been so lovely, we should do it again soon’ or ‘would you like a tea or coffee before you go?’

Now I have kids I’m just direct. When I make plans unless we’re happy with them continuing late into the night I’ll be clear about timings. ‘Fancy meeting at 2 for a couple of hours?’

If someone has overstayed or missed cues I’d just be direct and say ‘gosh, sorry to boot you out but I’m gonna have to head to bed soon!’ or mention the next plan I have that we have to get to.

Never be afraid of being honest, saves a lot of hassle. People prefer it imo, not everyone feels confident in ending a gathering in a polite way. Lots of people will appreciate knowing where they stand! A good guest would much rather be told it’s time to go than overstay their welcome.

BabyLeaf · 30/08/2021 12:17

@L1ttleSeahorse

Oh 😔. I thought "would you like another cup of tea before you go?" Meant just that. So I'd be relieved of the cue and have a cup of tea and then go.

Have I been doing this wrong all this time?!

It does mean that! But it clearly sets out an expectation that after the food or drink you will leave. It’s a way of giving notice. I’d be delighted if someone accepted the tea, and it’s a nice way to bring things to a close.
L1ttleSeahorse · 30/08/2021 12:21

Ah thats okay. Some posters further up suggested we were supposed to refuse the cup of tea and take it as a sign.

BabyLeaf · 30/08/2021 12:32

I’d say that’s a faux pas on behalf of the host. You don’t offer anything you’re not willing to happily give! That’d be like inviting someone to stay for dinner and then being irritated that they accepted.