What social cues are used when trying to encourage guests to leave?

[PandemicAtTheDisco]

I am struggling to explain to someone what social cues they should look out for when a host wants them as a guest to leave.

I've mentioned mealtimes and drinks. You time your visits around meals or plan with them beforehand to be eating together. When they stop offering drinks or mentioning their plans for the rest of the day. If they start mentioning how tired they are, yawning etc in an evening.

I am not sure if the person I'm trying to help is deliberately ignoring the hosts' social cues as they are lonely and don't want to leave to go home to an empty house or if they are just not picking up on them.

What social cues are used? What do you look out for?

When they release the hounds.

When you’ve done the thing you were invited for then it’s time to go

Being direct is best, anything else will likely be missed so don’t try being subtle as it won’t work.

Also, if too subtle, when the penny drops they’re even more offended than if you just told them directly as could feel foolish/embarrassed.

I once received an invite to come round from 3 till 5. It was very helpful as they started making dinner while I was there and I honestly would have presumed that I was expected to stay and eat with them if the invite hadn’t been so clear. (I didn’t want to so it was much more enjoyable just to chat, safe in the knowledge that I was to take my leave by 5pm).

My parents are known for staying late so DH now puts his pyjamas on to let them know it’s time to leave-doesn’t always work though!

Im crap at clues. I find honesty the best policy.

I often find saying

‘Just to warn you I’m rubbish at hints, please tell me when you need me to, bugger off.‘

Seems to work well tbh.

I suspect they are neurodiverse but slight learning difficulties have previously been suggested.

They have now been specifically told to only visit between 2 and 4 and are very upset that their visits are now being 'timed'. The more I hear, the more I think they are ignoring the social cues. They stayed for 6 hours without eating and were 'only' offered two drinks.

My dad used to put on his pajamas. He thought he was hilarious.

My dad used to disappear upstairs and come down in his pyjamas, and tell everyone he was off to make the bedtime cocoa.

It usually worked....

"Would you like a coffee (etc) before you go ?" is pretty standard. The ideal response should "oh goodness, no thank you, I must go"

I used to have a CF neighbour who often invited herself for a chat in the middle of an afternoon when I was working at home. She was really scared of my nephew because he once spoke to her sharply. I would get out my phone when Id had enough of her and say "I must phone Chris as Im expecting him soon." This usually prompted her to get up and go before he "arrived". Or I would have a fake conversation with him to discover thta he was "ten minutes walk away. That got her scuttling off.

Now Im more direct and simply say to unwanted callers"You wil have to leave now as I have important things to do." If they have a coat I fetch it or ask if they want a cab.

My grandad would say, "you silly b+++ers can stay up forever but I´m going to bed". Then he would leave my gran with said guest and she would get up, put crockery away, edge from the chair to the sofa to the door to the door handle and said guest would go on and on. Narrated to me by said guest decades later. He had a great time watching my gran trying to get rid of him.

I know you suspect they may have learning difficulties but would they grasp the concept of increased frequency of visits vs decreased duration? Ie they might be able to come over more often if you didn’t find it taking up a big proportion of the day?

I would suggest giving them fixed time slots so they know how long it's expected they will stay in different situations. Leaving well before a meal is a good rule of thumb if you haven't been specifically invited to eat.

Standing up and saying, "Right, I'd better let you get off. I've got a shedload of work to be getting on with, but I'll give you a shout on Wednesday about that sponge cake we were making for Marco's birthday."

Another tip, is to say after about an hour " it's been lovely to see you, thanks for having me round. I'll be off". If the host wants you to stay any longer they will let you know then.If not, they will thank you for your company and see you off.

@SecretWitch

My mother would say “ Right. Early day tomorrow. Shall I get your coats?”

Love this

I just say "right I'm iff to bed now" to my good friends. Who then look at my DH and ask if he wants to stay up longer 😹

This....

I believe the phrase that does it is “get out of my fecking house” 😂

60 years ago, my dear dad used to go round winding all the clocks (pre-digital, obvs) and then he'd say 'I need to set the alarm now so I'll get your coats'.

@InpatientGardener

This reminds me of the time my SIL 'popped in' and stayed from 1-8pm. She missed several cues to leave..after lunch, after a cup of tea, after a sport event on TV, even when in desperation I announced I was going out that evening (I wasn't ). It was dreadful, she just ignored all our 'right then' hints. To me I think there's a certain tone that suggests it's time to leave. If the host says they have something to do as well, I would take that as a hint to leave because it shows they're moving on from the visit to think about their plans after. I'm always really conscious of outstaying my welcome so will sometimes just check that its OK for me to stay a bit longer.

Oh no!! 🙈 I’m surprised she didn’t ask to come out with you for the evening!

This is a really interesting thread, I’ve been in this situation a few times before, on both sides of it - I’m sure I’ve overstayed my welcome before so it’s useful to read other people’s cues.

If I’m keen for someone to leave, I usually say that I’m starting dinner and would love to invite you to stay but don’t have quite enough food in on this occasion. Although a couple of times one particular relative has said that’s fine, he’ll just get something from the Chinese and eat that with us!

If it’s in the day, I’ll say I’ve got a long appointment on the phone at 3pm (for example) so can’t be distracted, this usually works.

Failing that, just saying you’re going to bed is often foolproof, people usually don’t insist on coming along thankfully.

This has given me the horrors about someone who once came to a bbq at our house, a friend of a friend. We made multiple heavy hints for her to leave, and when we desperately announced we were all going to the pub as a last resort (including the friend she'd arrived with as by now he was equally horrified at her brass neck) she said 'oh its OK just order me a takeaway before you go and I'll stay here'. It didn't end well. So yeah, if your hosts announce they are leaving the house, they either genuinely have plans or they've run out of other ways to get you to leave.

@WTF99

This....

Aaaaargh you beat me to it by 4 minutes

banivani I love Foil, Arms and Hogg as does my good friend. 😂🤩

My wife just gives me a withering look if I play a video so I use my headphones then.

They are such good lads.

OP I think you should explain that the hosts need to do other things and they are being kind by explaining this clearly to their guest.