What social cues are used when trying to encourage guests to leave?

[PandemicAtTheDisco]

I am struggling to explain to someone what social cues they should look out for when a host wants them as a guest to leave.

I've mentioned mealtimes and drinks. You time your visits around meals or plan with them beforehand to be eating together. When they stop offering drinks or mentioning their plans for the rest of the day. If they start mentioning how tired they are, yawning etc in an evening.

I am not sure if the person I'm trying to help is deliberately ignoring the hosts' social cues as they are lonely and don't want to leave to go home to an empty house or if they are just not picking up on them.

What social cues are used? What do you look out for?

Never be afraid of being honest, saves a lot of hassle. People prefer it imo, not everyone feels confident in ending a gathering in a polite way. Lots of people will appreciate knowing where they stand! A good guest would much rather be told it’s time to go than overstay their welcome

Absolutely!

As a pp already wrote, I usually say something along the lines of "Would you like a cup of tea/coffee before you set off back home" or "its been a lovely day/evening, thank you for coming, do you one more drink before you leave?"
Its polite and gives the impression you are not kicking them out straight away but you have other plans soon.

I'll be polite and use some of the cues PP's have mentioned, but past a certain point I'm afraid I'm a lot more direct these days/as I've got older.

From personal experience I do find some people just ignore social niceties and outstay their welcome.

Nowadays, once I've reached a deadline in my head (eg about an hour before I want people to leave) I'll say something along the lines of "I've loved having you round, but I need to get to sleep so I'm afraid I'll have to kick you out very soon". Then ask if they'd like to book their taxi now in case there are delays in service or offer to book them a taxi in good time for their departure...

Much easier on my nerves/anxiety and we're all clear about intentions... 🌹

I knew somebody who at the end of his evening';s hospitality used to (noisily) collect the empty glass milk bottles from the kitchen and put them outside the front door.

Stand up and look at your watch?

Secretly phone your landline from your mobile , answer it and announce to guests that a family emergency requires your URGENT ATTENTION.

My child's friend from school came for tea. Mum arrived to collect and stayed until 11 pm with child. Horrendous.

Definitely different but once I was hosting a house party and my friends were steaming so not sure if they had the capacity to leave never mind know the time. I took my lenses out, put my jammies on and sprayed lavender sleepy spray. Their boyfriends took the hint and ordered a taxi haha.

I always ask my friends what time I should book a taxi so I know when to leave & tell them what time to book a taxi so they know when I expect them to leave.

One pub in Dublin I used to go to, the barmen used to go around shouting give us your glasses and show us your asses.

Another had a patio door upstairs it was either Kyles or Paddy Cullens, they used to open the door wide, didn't take long.

The best one was old man Morton at the Firhouse Inn in Tallaght, one night he repeatedly called time, seemingly everyone was ignoring him so he went upstairs, got his shotgun and blew out the front window of the pub, he never had a bit of trouble after that.

I am laughing just typing that and it over thirty years ago.

Cigars out and stand up for the national anthem.

Asking if they want a tea of coffee before they go.

@JBlow

Offering coffee

Yes, but I always say when I offer coffee it doesn't mean it's time to go as it's such a well known code! Coming downstairs in PJs should do it for most people :)

" because I just tell people/ agree a time frame at the start. "

How do you know in advance when you'll be tired. A good party doesn't have a fixed end time.

@L1ttleSeahorse

Ah thats okay. Some posters further up suggested we were supposed to refuse the cup of tea and take it as a sign.

Well if someone said 'tea before you go' I'd assume they wanted me out now. It's not very nice really. Just offering tea and coffee is already a hint and then starting to clear up.

@Cherrysoup

A friend is staying overnight tomorrow. I’ve had a bellyful of guests, mother has been here and we’re about to take her to the station. I’ve barely seen my dh this week due to his shifts, plus I’m back to work on Wednesday so want to psyche myself up/look at emails. She tends to take her sweet time leaving the morning after. How can I get rid as early as poss? (Yes, I’m horrible, but I don’t cope well with guests)

Why did you invite her to stay?

I have a family member who stands up, runs their hands together and bellows “right, come on now, I’ve had enough”.

Years ago I knew someone who just never stopped talking and I had to physically push him through the door and hold it closed so he couldn't come back in (it was a shop and he was a rep). He was a nice man but seemed unable to stop himself talking.

Having been bitten badly on the bum when using the "Would you like a coffee before you go?" (the guest accepted the coffee and stayed another hour, by which time my eyes were watering, holding back the yawns), I now say "I'm sorry to turf you out, but I need an early night/have to get changed for class/have an appointment to get to. It's been so nice to see you though, let's catch up again soon. I'll text/ring you."

The only person I know who doesn't recognise social cues is my XMIL. I used to try and edge her to the front door, even holding it wide open, while she talked and talked and talked at me... Nice enough woman, tbh, and we're still cordial, but now if I'm dropping ds2 to their house I can just jump in my car and go while she still talks at me.

So I took on board pp’s advice and told my guest I had stuff to do this morning, so would it be ok for her to go by 11. She told me she needed to go by 10 and did so! She kept saying ‘Oh, that’s handy, our timetables mesh, I need to be gone by 10’. 😳 I really enjoyed talking to her (known her for over 30 years). I think I just get myself all het up but then really enjoy being sociable. 😳

My mum offers people a drink then says they’ll have to leave by x time because she’s settling down to watch TV .

Could you maybe tell them a story about a lovely dear friend of yours who popped round for a cuppa but ended up staying for 5 hours. How it was lovely to see them, but you really wish they'd be considerate of your time. Or something like that. It might get them thinking of how they do what you "dear friend" has done.

A very good but rather blunt friend of mine used to say, 'Do you want (another) brew before you go?' even though l hadn't mentioned going at all. She did this with everyone so l didn't take it personally. I found if quite amusing actually, at least you mnes where you stood.

My PILs stay for hours. They will arrive at say 6pm and still be going strong by 1am.

I have been known to just go to bed as I am genuinely exhausted. I dread the visits as they are so long. If I move the time to arriving at say 4pm they still stay until gone 1am.

I try to visit them as we can leave when we please!