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Original poster

What social cues are used when trying to encourage guests to leave?

122 replies

PandemicAtTheDisco · 27/08/2021 13:54

I am struggling to explain to someone what social cues they should look out for when a host wants them as a guest to leave.

I've mentioned mealtimes and drinks. You time your visits around meals or plan with them beforehand to be eating together. When they stop offering drinks or mentioning their plans for the rest of the day. If they start mentioning how tired they are, yawning etc in an evening.

I am not sure if the person I'm trying to help is deliberately ignoring the hosts' social cues as they are lonely and don't want to leave to go home to an empty house or if they are just not picking up on them.

What social cues are used? What do you look out for?

OP posts:
Hummingbird1950 · 27/08/2021 16:38

@PandemicAtTheDisco

I suspect they are neurodiverse but slight learning difficulties have previously been suggested.

They have now been specifically told to only visit between 2 and 4 and are very upset that their visits are now being 'timed'. The more I hear, the more I think they are ignoring the social cues. They stayed for 6 hours without eating and were 'only' offered two drinks.

So they need a chat about boundaries then and how it's not ok to walk all over other people's. It doesn't sound like a social cues problem or a learning disabilities problem. It sounds like a sense of entitlement problem.
5128gap · 27/08/2021 16:44

Make it clear at the time of the invitation. 'Can you come for dinner at x time as we can't do a late one because....'
'Do you want to pop over for couple of hours before tea..' etc.
As a day guest, I agree 2 hours maximum.
As a dinner guest, offer to leave no longer than an hour after finishing eating. If the meal has been several hours duration and you are still at the table, at the point the host suggests moving to another room offer to leave instead.

Scarby9 · 27/08/2021 16:45

'Have you time for a coffee before you go?'
'Gosh, look at the time! It's just flown by'.
'Let's finish this bottle of wine brfore we call it a night'.
If all else fails...
'Right, I think it's my bed time. It's bern lovely. Thanks so much for coming X. I'll get you that thing we said I'd lend you while you're getting your coat on'.

Theredjellybean · 27/08/2021 16:49

Get the hoover out..

WTF99 · 27/08/2021 16:51

@deeplyambivalent I was amazed it wasn't already on the thread!
Feigning death lol. Sometimes the only way Grin

Gensola · 27/08/2021 16:51

I had a colleague like this. He was single and we’d invited him over for dinner a few times as we liked him and also felt a bit sorry for him but he used to stay til about 1am and I’d be falling asleep on the sofa while he droned on, and if I said I wanted to go to bed he’d be like “just another half glass of wine” and stay on. Nightmare.

iklboo · 27/08/2021 16:54

'Right. Shall I phone you a taxi'?

OldTinHat · 27/08/2021 16:55

I've got a friend who I hate coming round because he just won't leave despite polite ways to point out it's time to go. Now I just point blank say that it's time to go home, pass him his coat and open the front door!

godmum56 · 27/08/2021 17:05

I think if he is missing or reluctant to pick up on cues then maybe he has to learn to self regulate and that includes asking up front "when do you want me to leave?"....but from what you have said, first he has to understand and accept that his current behaviour is problematic, not least to himself......spotting the cues is quite a long way away from not even grasping that his expectations are different from his hosts'

Marcee · 27/08/2021 17:12

Why cant people just say something like.

Its getting really late, I need to be getting to bed soon.

Just be direct. That what I do

PuppyMonkey · 27/08/2021 17:21

I’ve tried the “do you want a coffee/tea before you go” line and the trouble is, they say yes and then stay another hour and a half.Sad

mbosnz · 27/08/2021 17:21

I had guests that so wouldn't take any hints, that I stretched out flat on the floor and feigned sleep. I mean, hints like, well, it's been lovely to see you, we must do this again sometime, but now I've got to get on with bathing and feeding the children.

'Oh, how lovely, we'll have to stay for that, won't we dear?!'

HugeBowlofChips · 27/08/2021 17:33

Well it's lovely to see you. I need to get ready for X now. What are you doing this afternoon?

ScrambledSmegs · 27/08/2021 17:50

My dad is another one who puts his pyjamas on. Must tell him he's not as original as he thinks!

My parents have some friends who routinely outstay their welcome. DM has taken to saying 'right, it's time for you to go now, where are your coats?'and they leave quite happily. Seems they're not great with subtle hints but what many would consider outright rudeness is just what they like!

FreezerBird · 27/08/2021 18:26

@Marcee

Why cant people just say something like.

Its getting really late, I need to be getting to bed soon.

Just be direct. That what I do

The thing is that that feels direct when you're the one saying it, but some people won't hear it in the way you intend, and will respond in some mad way which means they end up not leaving.

I had a friend who used to announce 'I like your company, but not the hours you keep. Time to go.'

Original poster
PandemicAtTheDisco · 27/08/2021 18:33

@godmum56

I think if he is missing or reluctant to pick up on cues then maybe he has to learn to self regulate and that includes asking up front "when do you want me to leave?"....but from what you have said, first he has to understand and accept that his current behaviour is problematic, not least to himself......spotting the cues is quite a long way away from not even grasping that his expectations are different from his hosts'
The guest is aware there is a problem and feeling sad they are not invited around much anymore. They don't seem aware that it is most likely the length of their visits that is the issue rather that people no longer liking them.

I think I need to focus more on getting them to understand their expectations of visiting for 5-6 hours is too much.

OP posts:
Gallowayan · 27/08/2021 19:49

At a night club I frequented many years ago one of the bouncers used to shout ' RIGH YOU CUNTS GET OUT'. Happy days before the millennium. Would be considered offensive now.

AllAroundTheWorldYeah · 27/08/2021 20:13

@Gallowayan

At a night club I frequented many years ago one of the bouncers used to shout ' RIGH YOU CUNTS GET OUT'. Happy days before the millennium. Would be considered offensive now.
The nightclub I frequented as a teenager would always play California Strut as the last song, which is quite a different vibe to what they usually played so was always a funny end to the night!

g.co/kgs/5JWe1s

Gallowayan · 27/08/2021 20:38

OP you need to insider that they could be deliberately outstaying their welcome and do not care about the hints you are making or any inconvenience caused.

Footle · 28/08/2021 06:27

"Can't you go? Must you stay?"

HopHoops · 28/08/2021 09:10

@ScrambledSmegs

My dad is another one who puts his pyjamas on. Must tell him he's not as original as he thinks!

My parents have some friends who routinely outstay their welcome. DM has taken to saying 'right, it's time for you to go now, where are your coats?'and they leave quite happily. Seems they're not great with subtle hints but what many would consider outright rudeness is just what they like!

I'll have to be brave and try this.
Cherrysoup · 28/08/2021 09:33

A friend is staying overnight tomorrow. I’ve had a bellyful of guests, mother has been here and we’re about to take her to the station. I’ve barely seen my dh this week due to his shifts, plus I’m back to work on Wednesday so want to psyche myself up/look at emails. She tends to take her sweet time leaving the morning after. How can I get rid as early as poss? (Yes, I’m horrible, but I don’t cope well with guests)

MyShrivelledGnarlyFinger · 28/08/2021 09:35

Would you like another cup of tea/alcholic drink before you go...

letsmakethishappen · 28/08/2021 09:41

It’s dd’s bath time will catch up with u later

Dilbertian · 28/08/2021 09:42

Reading this I am totally confused. I'm an immigrant, though I've lived in England since childhood and spoken English for 40-something years. I would not recognise most of these as cues to leave!

It would never occur to me that being offered food or a drink was anything other than an invitation to stay and be fed more. Feeding your guests is half the pleasure of hosting them!

Parties move from room to room. You might not want to sit among the dirty dishes to chat, and your host might not want to clear around you. It seems quite natural to decamp to the sitting room.

OTOH if your host wants to clear the dishes and then return to the chat, why shouldn't they? Mostly the guests would help, too, or at least offer to help.

If the host wants to go to bed or to go out, why tell the guests "You can stay if you want to" if you don't want them to stay?

I've probably overstayed my welcome many times. Sad

Equally, I've many times been in the situation where I felt it was time to go but didn't know how to leave politely.