I need help ending an affair.

[Anonymousthatsme]

I know I’m a bad person. But I need help. Please don’t judge, although I’m pretty sure I deserve it.

Me and my partner live together and have a 3 year old DS , we also own our house jointly, but are not married.

My DP was constantly miserable and I felt like I was walking on eggshells with him all the time, he was always snapping at me and making me feel on edge frequently.
He is a good person though and would never be unfaithful to me, he’s also an amazing dad to our son and goes above and beyond.
Shortly before lockdown last year he told me he didn’t know if he wanted to get married (we were engaged) because he wanted me to ‘change’ first. So that was very hurtful to be honest. I felt unloved and unappreciated. Anyway none of this justifies what happened, but I’m just building the scene.

I started talking to a man online, we met through a mutual interest group, not a dating site or anything.
It started friendly and to be honest, I was feeling so lonely and isolated that it was refreshing to be able to talk to someone who seemed genuinely interested in me. A lot of the time when talking to my DP he didn’t seem interested in what I had to say and was more concerned with playing on the computer game on his phone.
So me and the OM started talking daily, it become a routine I was looking forward too, however at this point I’d never met him.
About a month or so after we started talking we organised to meet up. In a public place and just for a drink.
The first time we saw each other, it sounds cliched, but I felt familiarity instantly and any worries I had about meeting him just melted away. We had a really nice time, laughing and joking together, he was a real gentleman holding the door open for me etc.
Anyway, fast forward a few months later and we’d met a couple of times more and had ended up kissing, he started sending me cards and gifts in the post that I obviously had to hide from my DP. Then the second lockdown happened (Christmas one) so we couldn’t meet for about 3 months, it was horrible and I felt suicidal during that time. My DP was awful to live with during that time as he was working from home and found it really stressful, so was constantly in a bad mood.
Me and OM started writing each other letters, which he sprayed with his aftershave and I sprayed with my perfume.
The next part I’m even more ashamed of, we started sending each other naughty pictures and sexting most nights when my DP and DS were asleep.
Me and DP hadn’t been intimate together for about 3 months at that point.
Anyway shortly after lockdown ended me and OM met up and we did some stuff in the car, which I’m not proud of obviously, but at the time there was a lot of sexual tension and it just happened.
A few weeks later, I told my DP I was going to stay with a friend for the night, and I ended up staying with OM for the first time and we did end up having sex. I felt so guilty in the morning, going back and seeing my DP and DS.
Fast forward to the present, OM says he loves me and wants us to be together. FYI he is single and doesn’t have any children. So there isn’t another party involved.
My head and my heart are saying two different things, the last 6 weeks or so over the summer holidays, DP has been making more of an effort and we have been getting on better, but I do have these strong feelings for OM which I can’t deny. It’s like an addiction, we talk daily and even when I tried not to talk to him for a couple of days, neither of us could manage it and we started messaging and FaceTiming again, because of the distance between us (about 3 hours drive) we only see each other now and again, but the fact is I’m scared. Scared that my DP will find out and I’ll be left with nothing. I am also financially dependent on him as I’m not in work at the moment, although I’m currently job searching.
I also rely heavily on his family to help me out with DS as my family don’t live nearby.
I’m full of guilt and spoke to OM last night telling him I think we need to end it and he got very upset and kept saying how much he loves me and how he wants us to be together.
I can’t imagine my life without him now , but equally I don’t want to further ruin the life I have here with my DP and DS, not to mention what our family and friends would think of me.

OP you just don’t want to stop, it’s obvious, or you’d have done it by now. Guilt tells you you have done something which has dropped below your own moral standards.
Your partner is not an ATM to bankroll you while you flip flop between hurting two people just to keep yourself happy.
Your affair partner is hanging about whilst you decide whether your financial situation trumps this all consuming love you claim to have. Show what you have written to both men and see if they think you really love either of them if illicit sex outweighs security with your faithful partner or if money outweighs your alleged love for your affair partner.
This isn’t shopping, shall I go for the sensible car or blow it all on the sporty job. It’s real life and real people with real feelings. You are using both of them as options. This is not love. Just stop it. Don’t do it any more as of today. It’s that simple.

I agree you don’t want it to stop. You want to keep the thrill of an affair going while expecting your partner to provide for you and completely in the dark.

If you did want to end it you’d tell your partner what you’ve been up to, come clean and let him decide if he still wants to work on things.

You sound lovely.

You ended up kissing.
You ended up "doing stuff" in a car.
You ended up staying a night with your OM.

Did you not make any arrangements, I find it hard to see how one could get these end up situations without a fierce amount of secret organising?

What next then?

You need to tell your partner, the father of your child. He knows something is going on.
The decent thing for you to do is leave him, stand on your own two feet, assess what went wrong for you to so drastically check out of your relationship.

I think you need to leave your Dp. Give him the chance to find someone who cares for him.

You're coming at this from an incredibly selfish POV. It's all about what you're scared of and what your needs and wants are and what you'll lose. The bottom line is that if you want to end the affair, you'll end it. If you don't or not sure if you want to, then you need to fess up to your partner, put your big girl knickers on and tell your partner what you've been up to and deal with whatever shit is then dumped on your head.

I love the way it's all your partner's faukt you cheated.
This is the fucking script!!!

Grow up.

I’m not going to berate you but I think you need to start taking some responsibility for yourself. As a previous poster said, you did not ‘end up’ doing all these things, you arranged them and chose them. You need to own that.

I’m confused also as to why you need so much help with your child if you’re not working? Are there other issues going on?

This is glorious. Poor sod gets to go to work put food on your table so you can take your full belly to go have sex with another man.
I hope your hubby finds out and leaves. Lets see how much fun this affair will seem when you have to work to fend for yourself, I doubt you ll have the energy to continue sneaking around to see him

Why do you rely heavily on your partner's family to help with your ds when you do not work?
You are clearly not happy in your relationship and went looking elsewhere. In reality you should have concentrated on making yourself financially self sufficient in preparation to leave your current partner.
I suggest you break up with both.

OP I’m curious as to how your DP wants you to change before you get married? Can you elaborate on that bit?

You should feel ashamed. When a partner cheats, the other innocent person has no chance to know the truth and pull back and move on with their life. They are left in an unhappy situation and being lied to.

I was in that position and the moment I knew the truth it was over and I could move forwards.

OP, let your partner go off to find someone to have a genuine relationship with.

Op, what do you REALLY want?
The thing is, the OM is a fantasy at the moment. If you were with him life would be equally mundane - work, laundry, cooking, watching telly, him messing on his phone.
That's life.
Do you love your dp? Do you want to make things work with him? Or are you with him out of convenience (childcare / financially)?
If the former then work on that, if the latter then break up. But don't make any decision based on th fantasy of the OM.

Oh OP this thread was never going to go well for you.

I can’t imagine my life without him now , but equally I don’t want to further ruin the life I have here with my DP and DS, not to mention what our family and friends would think of me.

You cannot have your cake and eat it. Pick one. And then stick to it.

OP you’re living a fantasy.

Sending him letters with your perfume on and him doing the same, it’s like teenage stuff and isn’t real. And you’re doing that because you’re both living a fantasy.

Clearly there are issues in your relationship which either need to be resolved or you need to split. But don’t kid yourself that if you split you’re going to run off into the happy ever after with the OM. It’s highly unlikely that it will last. Bearing in mind that you only know this man’s good points because he’s never been around to show you when he
is moody, when he’s drunk, you’ve never had a row, you haven’t had to clear up after him or pander to his tempers and/or quirks.

You need to tell him it’s over, and then block him if you genuinely feel that you can’t resist the urge to contact him. Block him and delete his number.

And then you need to tell your DP everything because this man has your bloody home address which is probably one of the most stupid things you could ever have done, and if he’s inclined he could tell your DP himself.

And then, if your DP wants to stay with you, and if you want to stay with him. Then you need to work on that relationship. But if you don’t, then you need to split and work out an amicable co parenting arrangement.

Either way you’ve passed the point of no return now, and you’ve lost control of your relationships and how your life is going to turn out.

FWIW I had an affair 10 years ago. I was in an abusive relationship and we’d talked about splitting already, but that doesn’t excuse the fact that I had an affair with someone else. My ex was prepared to work on our marriage, but actually for me the affair was the catalyst, and once there was a reason for him to let me go I didn’t look back.

In my maddest days I wondered whether me and the OM would stay together. However we split really before my ex even found out, and although he chased me for a bit, I had no inclination to go there any more. So the association ended, as did the marriage, and I never spoke to OM again. Because once I saw the light of day I realised that he was a distraction, there was no way he was going to end up being the love of my life, not just because of me, but because of my DC.

Imagine your DP telling your DS that his new stepdad is the man you left him for. He might live with that, but as time goes on he might not. And this other man will forever be the OM in the eyes of many. You’re not going to slot into being a couple where everyone is happy for you. People will judge you or how you got together, sometimes permanently. You will lose friends and family, his family might refuse to accept you because you were a married woman and they don’t want a step GC in their lives.

The happy ever after doesn’t exist. The sooner you realise this and sort out your own life without expecting someone else to be there as the crutch you run to, the better.

Tell your partner about the affair. That'll fix it.

Op I think you are getting harsh responses..

Of course it is wrong to cheat but things are not black and white and no one knows just how tough things have been for you at home.

You know you are getting on better with your partner, you also know you need to end things with the om.

If I were you I'd cut contact completely with om and put everything into your relationship with your partner. Maybe even suggest couples counselling.

The grass is not always greener.

If you really feel like there is no way back regards your relationship with your partner then you separate but do not rush into a full on relationship with the om.

I don't suggest couples counseling, not unless you are ready for total blunt honesty with your partner which I don't think you are. You do appear to be living in some kind of reality in which one of these two men is supposed to make you happy, at all costs, and that seems to waiver from day to day. That is uncomfortable reading OP, these are human beings with their own needs, they are not here to service yours. Your mental health will decline rapidly unless you face reality, hard as that may be. Could you access individual therapy?

If I were you I'd cut contact completely with om and put everything into your relationship with your partner. Maybe even suggest couples counselling.

And let her partner do all of that without the knowledge she’s been shagging another man? Doesn’t he deserve the right to know what’s been going on under his nose?

I wouldn't be surprised if your DP isn't feeling the distance already and perhaps even has a suspicion and that will only grow, he'll convince himself that you wouldn't do that to him but that suspicion will also grow to a point where all of this will be brought up. I would suggest you tell hime before he needs to ask.

My DW has lived in our house for just over 15 months with me while we're separating and is leaving to be with OM, yet I look at her and does not look happy, as others have its not other people that may you happy its yourself and it looks like the fantasy of living with him and everyone being onboard just isn't the realty @HoneyBeeHappy is spot on.

You want to have your cake and eat it.

The financial support of your partner but the thrill and excitement of the other guy.

If you were a man posting you'd be absolutely torn up for arse paper.

Partner, other guy or single those are the options.

I would not stay with a man who said he wanted me to 'change' before we got married
(unless the change was something like smoking or alcohol abuse)

Why do you rely heavily on your partner's family to help with your ds when you do not work?

I wondered about that myself, and yes most affair-havers are selfish, but at least this one's honest enough to admit she's just sticking around for her OH's money

Anyway, having not got the replies she probably hoped for, the thread will doubtless be pulled because it's "outing" or something ...

Living a parasitic lifestyle whilst shagging someone else.

Yes, you SHOULD be guilty. Don't try and make things work with your DP, he deserves waaaaay better than you. Go with OM and let him pay your your way (because he's getting a free ride and relationship right now, lucky guy), let your DP go and he can meet someone else.