I need help ending an affair.

[Anonymousthatsme]

I know I’m a bad person. But I need help. Please don’t judge, although I’m pretty sure I deserve it.

Me and my partner live together and have a 3 year old DS , we also own our house jointly, but are not married.

My DP was constantly miserable and I felt like I was walking on eggshells with him all the time, he was always snapping at me and making me feel on edge frequently.
He is a good person though and would never be unfaithful to me, he’s also an amazing dad to our son and goes above and beyond.
Shortly before lockdown last year he told me he didn’t know if he wanted to get married (we were engaged) because he wanted me to ‘change’ first. So that was very hurtful to be honest. I felt unloved and unappreciated. Anyway none of this justifies what happened, but I’m just building the scene.

I started talking to a man online, we met through a mutual interest group, not a dating site or anything.
It started friendly and to be honest, I was feeling so lonely and isolated that it was refreshing to be able to talk to someone who seemed genuinely interested in me. A lot of the time when talking to my DP he didn’t seem interested in what I had to say and was more concerned with playing on the computer game on his phone.
So me and the OM started talking daily, it become a routine I was looking forward too, however at this point I’d never met him.
About a month or so after we started talking we organised to meet up. In a public place and just for a drink.
The first time we saw each other, it sounds cliched, but I felt familiarity instantly and any worries I had about meeting him just melted away. We had a really nice time, laughing and joking together, he was a real gentleman holding the door open for me etc.
Anyway, fast forward a few months later and we’d met a couple of times more and had ended up kissing, he started sending me cards and gifts in the post that I obviously had to hide from my DP. Then the second lockdown happened (Christmas one) so we couldn’t meet for about 3 months, it was horrible and I felt suicidal during that time. My DP was awful to live with during that time as he was working from home and found it really stressful, so was constantly in a bad mood.
Me and OM started writing each other letters, which he sprayed with his aftershave and I sprayed with my perfume.
The next part I’m even more ashamed of, we started sending each other naughty pictures and sexting most nights when my DP and DS were asleep.
Me and DP hadn’t been intimate together for about 3 months at that point.
Anyway shortly after lockdown ended me and OM met up and we did some stuff in the car, which I’m not proud of obviously, but at the time there was a lot of sexual tension and it just happened.
A few weeks later, I told my DP I was going to stay with a friend for the night, and I ended up staying with OM for the first time and we did end up having sex. I felt so guilty in the morning, going back and seeing my DP and DS.
Fast forward to the present, OM says he loves me and wants us to be together. FYI he is single and doesn’t have any children. So there isn’t another party involved.
My head and my heart are saying two different things, the last 6 weeks or so over the summer holidays, DP has been making more of an effort and we have been getting on better, but I do have these strong feelings for OM which I can’t deny. It’s like an addiction, we talk daily and even when I tried not to talk to him for a couple of days, neither of us could manage it and we started messaging and FaceTiming again, because of the distance between us (about 3 hours drive) we only see each other now and again, but the fact is I’m scared. Scared that my DP will find out and I’ll be left with nothing. I am also financially dependent on him as I’m not in work at the moment, although I’m currently job searching.
I also rely heavily on his family to help me out with DS as my family don’t live nearby.
I’m full of guilt and spoke to OM last night telling him I think we need to end it and he got very upset and kept saying how much he loves me and how he wants us to be together.
I can’t imagine my life without him now , but equally I don’t want to further ruin the life I have here with my DP and DS, not to mention what our family and friends would think of me.

I think your partner is unpleasant or maybe his unpleasantness is in response to your neediness when pregnant or with PND.
You can separate - you don’t need to leave - don’t rush off - you made a mistake but your only human.
You can live separately under one roof and claim benefits and tax credits.

For goodness sake, you don't need to go on benefits, there's tons of jobs in the hospitality industry. I went on a day out yesterday and all across two counties there are signs out saying they're hiring. It might not be a forever job but it'll help pay the rent.

Please be very cautious about telling your DP on advice from mumsnet. Please seek professional help.

My DH has made it very clear that if I was ever to have an affair he would never want to know, as the only benefit is justifying my guilt (when we discussed a moral dilemma).

I don’t know about affairs - they aren’t black and white but as a country we are very similar to the US in our puritanical view of them.

In Catholic countries e.g. France, affairs are more accepted. It’s just an interesting observation.

I recommend you end the affair immediately, don’t tell your partner anything yet, wait a while. Speak to a therapist.

Life is complicated and your MH is poor. Please talk to someone.

I say this from the point of view of the child.

Why on earth do you need to involve partners family in supporting you with a 3 year old? Isnt that your job?

There are some hugely sweeping assumptions being made here about the victim in all this. Honestly, think of the outrage if we just swapped the pronouns here and this was a man seeking advice about his ‘oh so wonderful’ affair while his wife worked to support him through his mental health crisis!

OP you are using this man to fill a hole in yourself, in your soul if you like. The addictive side of it is pair bonding chemicals and the high you get from the secrecy and deception. Not the soul mate stuff you want to think it is. It’s unlikely to last, it’s likely that you’ll implode your life for nothing. I’m not saying it won’t work but the odds are stacked massively against it.

What you are doing to your husband is unforgivable. It is NEVER acceptable or ok, your needs just don’t trump his right to his personal agency. Affairs can damage the mental health of the victim for a lifetime, That is not ok it is black and white. A part of affairs that rarely gets talked about is the cheat making decisions about the family, about the live of the mutual child/children, with the affair partner or people on the internet, it is just beyond cruel.

IMHO you need to break it off with this man, get yourself into counselling and hopefully they will guide you in what you need to do to heal YOURSELF. Then they can guide you into telling your husband and giving him the right to making decisions around his life back with full disclosure from you.

@Lockeddownagain

I think you should end your actual realtionship and follow your heart. Your partner sounds cruel saying he won't marry you till you change people don't change we are who we are The other guy sounds lovely. Think carefully about why you keep ending up in bed with him x

Did you see the OP's update about what he wanted her to change?

She was preventing him from seeing friends or even going for a run.

He wanted her to change her controlling ways.

"He wanted me to change" sounds cruel... until you realise what she needed to change.

@texinthecity
Lots of people have affairs and it doesn't make you a bad person

Yes it does.

Again, OP is worrying about herself and her financial status and where she's going to live etc in all of this - which is reasonable and pragmatic, but there's not a lot of self reflection or care for her cheated partner in there is there.

Maybe start there with some empathy for the DP who sounds like he's had a bit of a shit time with OP not least paying her way while she sexts her boyfriend, unknowingly. Nah OP might not be a bad person and she'll have her 'non black and white' reasons lined up...but her behaviour is vile.

I was in your DPs position and I just knew my OH was cheating on me. I could tell by his attitude and I had the urge to check his phone and low and behold the evidence was there. So tbh your DP may well know anyway. I'd be single for a bit to sort your headspace out.

You posted asking for help ending an affair. But you are ending your rationship and family instead.
You'll have to live together and co parent until you can afford to leave, in an environment that will be unpleasant and not good for any of you, especially your child. You have created this, these are the consequences. FWIW I think the OM is a total piece of shit too, having an affair with a woman with a partner and young child, you both destroying a family. You knew exactly what you were doing the first time you got all friendly chatty with the OM. Who looked after your child while you were pursuing an affair? Poor kid. Sorry darling, daddy hurt mummy's feeling by asking her to behave more reasonably, so she went straight out and had an affair and broke up our family.
Good luck with the OM, until the next time one of you starts shagging someone else.

@texintyecity

“Lots of people have affairs and it doesn't make you a bad person and quite honestly the other posters on this thread must be really lucky if they have not felt that loneliness that has made them weak and caused an affair.

Think carefully about your next action and don't rush into leaving unless you want to.

And sweet jesus everyone else, poor DP? Whatever, affairs happen for a reason and usually it's emotionally lead.”

I don’t believe in ‘good’ people and ‘bad’ people, I like to think we’re all inherently good but that life is a series of choices and we can make good ones and bad ones. There is also good and bad behaviour. At the time you are knowingly indulging yourself in bad behaviour, you are behaving badly and making a bad choice. Cheating is bad behaviour. I also believe in redemption however, and turning ourselves around and making amends when we know we screwed up is a possibility for everyone. We all screw up sometimes. It’s what we learn from it and do next to try to put it right that is important.

Whatever her partner is like in the relationship is on him. That is his ‘bad behaviour’ and therefore his responsibility. He needs to address that.
However, despite this, her decision to cheat is not his fault. Her affair is not his fault. Having an affair is a personal choice in the face of relationship difficulties where other honest choices are available. To accuse anyone or anything else of making you cheat is blame-shifting.

Loneliness does not cause cheating. It might make you feel weak, yes, but if you then cheat, it is your weakness that caused the cheating, not the loneliness. Feeling weak and tempted when you see a gorgeous designer bag you can’t afford in a shop doesn’t mean it’s ok or understandable that you steal it. It’s your decision to steal in the face of temptation which has nothing to do with the temptation, it has everything to do with what your character will allow you to do in the circumstances. Stealing is on you, not the bag.
Not every person who feels weak when tempted just because they feel lonely necessarily goes through with it. Their character at the point of making the decision determines what happens next, otherwise all lonely people would cheat and most do not.
So it’s not understandable, unless we know that the OP has an avoidant coping style to uncomfortable feelings. Therefore if she gets horribly lonely, it is understandable that she cheated, but because of her character tendencies, not because of her loneliness. Cheating is about her, not him, nor the relationship. It’s never a valid automatic response to anything. It is a character weakness in the cheater, who is using manipulation, lying and gaslighting to allow them to pursue what they want, regardless of the fact that they are risking the mental and physical health of their partner and the mental health and well-being of their children. Their choice, their bad behaviour, their responsibility.

I scratch my head as to why anyone thinks this kind of abuse of another person is a valid response to anything.
It’s not what life throws at you that defines your character, it’s how you choose to deal with it. As an adult you should know that your decisions in response to anything are your responsibility. If deep down you feel you are justified, you don’t usually feel guilty.
Its interesting that if it’s so understandable and a valid response to her loneliness in the face of DP’s behaviour, that the OP has said she feels guilty. She should feel justified if she knows it’s right, but she doesn’t. She feels guilty. That’s because she knows in spite of all he’s done, and we’ve no reason to disbelieve her, cheating on him is still wrong and that whatever she’d like to tell herself about him to make herself feel better, she knows is actually responsible for her cheating, not him.

OP, you’re not a bad person, but you are behaving badly as you have been brave enough to admit both your honest assessment of your own behaviour and your feelings about it here. I’m glad you’ve made a decision, it’s very brave and deciding to stop this way of life sooner rather than later, however it pans out, is the right thing to do. You will honestly feel better about yourself once the double life is over.
Your mental health issues must have been exacerbated by all this and the guilt you say you are feeling can’t be helping either. Make sure you have plenty of support for you and your son and find out all you can about what is available to you. Staying in your current relationship if it doesn’t change, or leaving it, are both hard, so look after yourself and take one day at a time. I hope things turn out well in the future for you all.

If you own half the house then he will have to remortgage to release your half of the equity. If he can't afford that then I guess he has to sell.

No one is going to end up better off (financially), only time will tell if it was worth it.

No the only reason not to tell him about her cheating is not to "get a better deal" in court, it is one of several reasons. Hth.

@Hydrate

No the only reason not to tell him about her cheating is not to "get a better deal" in court, it is one of several reasons. Hth.

That ^ was in reply to @Haywirecity

You sound very immature.

I haven’t read all of the replies but I’m amazed to see so many people who have never made a single mistake in their lives. Yes what you’ve done is wrong OP but there are always two sides to every story and it sounds like you and your son’s father were wrong for each other anyway. Should you have ended it with him before getting tangled into an affair? Absolutely. But I do understand you had the guilt of what you were doing to your son in your mind as well and you were probably desperate for some attention by the sounds of it. Truly, I think most people should be able to understand. In your own words, you’ve fucked up terribly and you will have to live with it. You don’t need perfect strangers telling you what a shit person you are. It’s done now, so be sorry and learn from it. Focus entirely on your son now and making the best situation for you all.
Personally, I don’t know if I’d tell my partner of the affair. I understand that is deceitful but I have your so/ best interest at heart here. I would be very firm in saying that this relationship is over, but my concern is that if the affair comes out, you will lose all respect (rightfully), from both partner and his family. These people are going to be involved with your son for the rest of his life, therefore it also affects you.

It’s all a complete mess but it’s happened now and you need to think really hard about how to move forward without the support of your parents who live far away. Honestly, I feel for you, I feel for you all and I truly hope everything works out.

@Hydrate

No the only reason not to tell him about her cheating is not to "get a better deal" in court, it is one of several reasons. Hth.

Unburdening yourself is selfish and will hurt and anger him, and give him amunition against you in court.

"Unburdening yourself is selfish and will hurt and anger him" - thoughtful advice.
"Unburdening yourself is selfish and will hurt and anger him, and give him amunition against you in court.“ - second part negates thoughtfulness of first part.

"Kids, your mums just had an operation so be gentle with her or you'll make her sore." - thoughtful, what a good husband.
"Kids, your mums just had an operation so be gentle with her or you'll make her sore, and she won't be able to make dinner." - second part negates thoughtfulness of first part. Makes husband a jerk.

I don't know what Hth means. Hurt the husband? Sounds apt. Anyway, my clarification, hope that helps. Oh wait a minute....

I don’t think anyone here is saying they never made a mistake in their lives. But who did/ didn’t make mistakes (affairs aren’t ‘mistakes’ btw, they are deliberate choices. Mistakes are things like when you accidentally put salt instead of sugar in a cake you’re making. Nobody says “whoops! I accidentally went and had an affair!”) isn’t the issue.
What people are trying to say is that poor choices rarely turn out well and the OP needs to turn this around. I think she can. But it’s up to her.

affairs aren’t ‘mistakes’ btw, they are deliberate choices. Mistakes are things like when you accidentally put salt instead of sugar in a cake you’re making. Nobody says “whoops! I accidentally went and had an affair!

Agree, oops I accidentally fell on a dick.... Doesn't happen. An affair is a deliberate and concious choice to be a deceitful person. Not something that is a mistake or an accident.
So many apologists for these people always use that angle. "Sorry you're so perfect and never made a mistake" give me a break.

Vallmo47 ‘haven’t read all of the replies but I’m amazed to see so many people who have never made a single mistake in their lives.’

I have made mistakes, many, but systematically CHOOSING to lie, deceive and betray my husband and child is not one of them, because cheating is NEVER a ‘mistake’. It is a very deliberate series of acts. The neatest analogy would repeatedly stabbing someone you profess to love in the back.

It is a form of abuse. Mental abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse and sexual abuse and it is NEVER justified.

Your right to ‘happiness’ (which it rarely ends up being), your right to feel ‘heard’, your right to ‘sex’, your right to ‘attention’ whatever, are never understandable reasons for stealing the personal agency of your spouse, for lying and deceiving them, gaslighting them and putting them at risk, destroying your children’s futures (if everyone just read the stats around childhood outcomes after infidelity from a parent they might stop and think). If you feel you have a ‘right’ to these then get out the marriage and behave with decency.

@Haywirecity I guess so. Never looked at it that way.

@ZephyrSkies

I haven’t read all of the replies but I’m amazed to see so many people who have never made a single mistake

Guess you should spend more time reading replies and comprehending the difference between a mistake and choosing to be a deceitful lying slut.. Or are you just another apologist for the cheaters of the world?

Either way be ashamed at the person you are as well as those you condone the behaviour of. I sure hope you aren't a mother and responsible for raisijg kids under your lack of morals...worried for the world. Hard to believe one could accidentally slip and fall on a dick or into a vagina but if these sort of mistakes are common where you are from that worries me.

"Deceitful lying slut'"... Good to see misogyny is alive and well on MN.

Op would you consider relationship counselling with your DP? It might help you put into perspective what you're both wanting out of your lives.