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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need help ending an affair.

148 replies

Anonymousthatsme · 25/08/2021 09:09

I know I’m a bad person. But I need help. Please don’t judge, although I’m pretty sure I deserve it.

Me and my partner live together and have a 3 year old DS , we also own our house jointly, but are not married.

My DP was constantly miserable and I felt like I was walking on eggshells with him all the time, he was always snapping at me and making me feel on edge frequently.
He is a good person though and would never be unfaithful to me, he’s also an amazing dad to our son and goes above and beyond.
Shortly before lockdown last year he told me he didn’t know if he wanted to get married (we were engaged) because he wanted me to ‘change’ first. So that was very hurtful to be honest. I felt unloved and unappreciated. Anyway none of this justifies what happened, but I’m just building the scene.

I started talking to a man online, we met through a mutual interest group, not a dating site or anything.
It started friendly and to be honest, I was feeling so lonely and isolated that it was refreshing to be able to talk to someone who seemed genuinely interested in me. A lot of the time when talking to my DP he didn’t seem interested in what I had to say and was more concerned with playing on the computer game on his phone.
So me and the OM started talking daily, it become a routine I was looking forward too, however at this point I’d never met him.
About a month or so after we started talking we organised to meet up. In a public place and just for a drink.
The first time we saw each other, it sounds cliched, but I felt familiarity instantly and any worries I had about meeting him just melted away. We had a really nice time, laughing and joking together, he was a real gentleman holding the door open for me etc.
Anyway, fast forward a few months later and we’d met a couple of times more and had ended up kissing, he started sending me cards and gifts in the post that I obviously had to hide from my DP. Then the second lockdown happened (Christmas one) so we couldn’t meet for about 3 months, it was horrible and I felt suicidal during that time. My DP was awful to live with during that time as he was working from home and found it really stressful, so was constantly in a bad mood.
Me and OM started writing each other letters, which he sprayed with his aftershave and I sprayed with my perfume.
The next part I’m even more ashamed of, we started sending each other naughty pictures and sexting most nights when my DP and DS were asleep.
Me and DP hadn’t been intimate together for about 3 months at that point.
Anyway shortly after lockdown ended me and OM met up and we did some stuff in the car, which I’m not proud of obviously, but at the time there was a lot of sexual tension and it just happened.
A few weeks later, I told my DP I was going to stay with a friend for the night, and I ended up staying with OM for the first time and we did end up having sex. I felt so guilty in the morning, going back and seeing my DP and DS.
Fast forward to the present, OM says he loves me and wants us to be together. FYI he is single and doesn’t have any children. So there isn’t another party involved.
My head and my heart are saying two different things, the last 6 weeks or so over the summer holidays, DP has been making more of an effort and we have been getting on better, but I do have these strong feelings for OM which I can’t deny. It’s like an addiction, we talk daily and even when I tried not to talk to him for a couple of days, neither of us could manage it and we started messaging and FaceTiming again, because of the distance between us (about 3 hours drive) we only see each other now and again, but the fact is I’m scared. Scared that my DP will find out and I’ll be left with nothing. I am also financially dependent on him as I’m not in work at the moment, although I’m currently job searching.
I also rely heavily on his family to help me out with DS as my family don’t live nearby.
I’m full of guilt and spoke to OM last night telling him I think we need to end it and he got very upset and kept saying how much he loves me and how he wants us to be together.
I can’t imagine my life without him now , but equally I don’t want to further ruin the life I have here with my DP and DS, not to mention what our family and friends would think of me.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 25/08/2021 19:06

OP- I think you need to separate and sort your mental health out — be by yourself and if you wish see the other guy but take it slowly and not rush things. I think your MH is affecting your judgement and making you do rash things, like giving someone your address. Your marriage doesn’t sound very happy , and that won’t be helping your MH either. It’s not fair to be staying for the financials AND shagging around

Justtobeclear · 25/08/2021 19:58

I think you should end it with both and focus on repairing your mental health. It sounds as though your DH has supported you through some significant mental health issues and is likely suffering some of his own. It can be utterly draining living with someone with mental health issues (especially some of the behaviours you have described) and with the added pressures of being the sole earner AND a pandemic I would imagine he's close to burn out. That's not too diminish what you have been through but I think you are so deep into your MH issues that you aren't able to see the effects they have outside of yourself. I think you are probably bad for each other but your behaviour in undertaking an affair is not excusable and very unfair on your family.

5128gap · 25/08/2021 22:07

If you can't choose between two men/situations its because neither is completely right for you. Your DP isn't because he clearly isn't enough, and from what you've posted the OM isn't either. Your post focuses on what you do/have done with him, but very little about him as a person, why he would be right for you, even if you love him. I think the most sensible (and toughest) thing to do would be to end both relationships.

Imnewhere1991 · 25/08/2021 22:12

I have had pnd and BPD and eupd but these aren't excuses or reasons for behaviour. I also work.

Thisnamewasnttaken123 · 25/08/2021 22:14

I think you should tell your partner so he can get tested and then leave him.
You are in an unhappy marriage, he isn't the one for you regardless, learn to stand on your own.

Onthedunes · 25/08/2021 22:56

Bit sordid isn't it op.

I bet youv'e had no peace of mind for quite a while.

I wonder who your going to choose, I'm going for the man with the most money.

heyday · 25/08/2021 23:01

It sounds like a sorry tale all round and one, which obviously, can't continue. Something has to change and only YOU can do that.

Redefining · 25/08/2021 23:25

Grow up. You started it. End it yourself.
Tell your DP. If you end up with nothing that's your fault. What a woe is me post for something you did wrong. What would family and friends think of you? hopefully what you are. Everyone deserves to be told so they can make up their own mind about if they want anything to do with you or not.

Seriously the most entitled cheater thread I've read yet. You deserve no sympathy. No one else can help you. You made the mess fix it yourself like an adult.

Hope it all blows up in your face like you well deserve.

Original poster
Anonymousthatsme · 26/08/2021 00:08

So I’ve decided to tell my soon to be ex DP ASAP , as this thread as made me realise I can’t go on with this and I am a selfish person. I need to face facts.

My concern is my son and where I’m going to live as it needs to be a stable home environment for him when he’s with me and not with his dad.
I’ve looked into my options tonight, I’m not eligible for social housing because I own half the house, I’m pretty sure he won’t want to sell it, if I find somewhere to rent alone, there’s no way I can afford it with currently no wages, until I find a new job, hopefully soon. I also looked into universal credit and it says they pay some/all of your rent if you’re on a low enough income with a child but they won’t do if you already own a home/have a mortgage, even if you don’t live there.
I can’t move back with family as they’re too far away. I know this is of my own making, but how can I physically move on without the financial means to do it?

I haven’t slept with my partner since I had sex with the OM so he doesn’t need to get tested.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/08/2021 00:16

I guess you'll have to coparent from the same house until you can sell the home / he buys you out. And you need to also job hunt seriously ASAP to ensure you can financially support yourself with the help of CMS (if you don't split time with your son 50:50 once you move out) supplemented by any benefits you're entitled to.

Teacaketotty · 26/08/2021 00:52

If your concern is your son you should have thought of that before trashing his family…

RantyAunty · 26/08/2021 02:27

He'll have to sell it. He'll have to pay maintenance.

I'm hearing a lot of what he will or won't allow.
Does he generally get his way about things?

Sacredspace · 26/08/2021 03:37

I may be missing the point here, but mothers who don’t work outside the home are allowed to have a break in the form of some family help with childcare! Why do we only qualify for help if we work outside the home?
Typical capitalist way of thinking!

PurpleOkapi · 26/08/2021 03:41

@Sacredspace

I may be missing the point here, but mothers who don’t work outside the home are allowed to have a break in the form of some family help with childcare! Why do we only qualify for help if we work outside the home? Typical capitalist way of thinking!
Allowed? Sure. But for a SAHM of one non-special-needs child to be so reliant on it that she can't imagine getting on with life if she loses it, to the point where it's part of the reason she's cheating on her partner rather than just ending the relationship, is rather strange.
UmbrellaDrops · 26/08/2021 03:57

You are clearly unhappy, so leave and let your partner find the same.

Lockeddownagain · 26/08/2021 04:28

I think you should end your actual realtionship and follow your heart. Your partner sounds cruel saying he won't marry you till you change people don't change we are who we are
The other guy sounds lovely. Think carefully about why you keep ending up in bed with him x

Hydrate · 26/08/2021 04:46

Just take your son to your parents. If he takes you to court he takes you to court. Deal with it. Probably will get fair child custody.

texinthecity · 26/08/2021 04:50

Please don't rush into telling your partner if it is going to leave you and your son vulnerable.

Lots of people have affairs and it doesn't make you a bad person and quite honestly the other posters on this thread must be really lucky if they have not felt that loneliness that has made them weak and caused an affair.

Think carefully about your next action and don't rush into leaving unless you want to.

And sweet jesus everyone else, poor DP? Whatever, affairs happen for a reason and usually it's emotionally lead.

sticktomygun · 26/08/2021 05:07

yes the affair was bad but now its helped you decide to leave, you can focus on that.

i dont think you need to tell him about the affair yet if you need to do more planning - it sounds lik you're in a vulnerable position.

OM should not be the focus
If you own half the house, then you have assets so you're not as trapped as you seem. you need to speak to someone about what to do next - solicitor about the house, citizens advice about benefits.

PurpleOkapi · 26/08/2021 05:19

@texinthecity

Please don't rush into telling your partner if it is going to leave you and your son vulnerable.

Lots of people have affairs and it doesn't make you a bad person and quite honestly the other posters on this thread must be really lucky if they have not felt that loneliness that has made them weak and caused an affair.

Think carefully about your next action and don't rush into leaving unless you want to.

And sweet jesus everyone else, poor DP? Whatever, affairs happen for a reason and usually it's emotionally lead.

A person's inability or unwillingness to financially support themselves doesn't make it ok for that person to effectively steal their partner's money. The only way OP would be left "vulnerable" by this would be if her partner decided to end their relationship and stop paying her expenses, which would be a completely reasonable thing for him to do, since OP is in an emotional and sexual relationship with someone else. If he hasn't always been the perfect partner, that doesn't mean he owes it to OP to continue providing for her while she lies to him and sleeps with other people. By OP's own timeline, this has been going on for about a year. At what point does it become her own fault for deciding she'd rather continue to lie and cheat on her partner than get a job that would enable her to support herself?

If the sexes were reversed and a man claimed that it was fine for him to carry on lying to his girlfriend about his sexual relationship with another woman because he'd rather live off his girlfriend's money than get a job, would anyone think that was ok?

Hydrate · 26/08/2021 05:22

Yes, don't tell him about the affair. No point unless you want to make things worse. Unburdening yourself is selfish and will hurt and anger him, and give him amunition against you in court.

Westchesterarms · 26/08/2021 05:32

@PinkFizz1

OP I’m curious as to how your DP wants you to change before you get married? Can you elaborate on that bit?
Maybe stop fucking other men?
Haywirecity · 26/08/2021 05:34

@Hydrate

Yes, don't tell him about the affair. No point unless you want to make things worse. Unburdening yourself is selfish and will hurt and anger him, and give him amunition against you in court.
So actually your advice to not to tell DP is nothing to do with not hurting his feelings and all to do with helping the op get a better deal in court.
Haywirecity · 26/08/2021 05:39

@texinthecity
Lots of people have affairs and it doesn't make you a bad person

Yeah...it sort of does. If you're unhappy, don't want to be with your partner and you meet someone else, that's understandable. But before you hop into bed with the new one, end it with the old one. Don't lie and cheat on them because that...makes you a bad person.

Gimlisaxe · 26/08/2021 06:05

OP if your mental health is that bad you could try for PIP and ESA, but a warning, they can be a shit on your mental health as well.