I need help ending an affair.

[Anonymousthatsme]

I know I’m a bad person. But I need help. Please don’t judge, although I’m pretty sure I deserve it.

Me and my partner live together and have a 3 year old DS , we also own our house jointly, but are not married.

My DP was constantly miserable and I felt like I was walking on eggshells with him all the time, he was always snapping at me and making me feel on edge frequently.
He is a good person though and would never be unfaithful to me, he’s also an amazing dad to our son and goes above and beyond.
Shortly before lockdown last year he told me he didn’t know if he wanted to get married (we were engaged) because he wanted me to ‘change’ first. So that was very hurtful to be honest. I felt unloved and unappreciated. Anyway none of this justifies what happened, but I’m just building the scene.

I started talking to a man online, we met through a mutual interest group, not a dating site or anything.
It started friendly and to be honest, I was feeling so lonely and isolated that it was refreshing to be able to talk to someone who seemed genuinely interested in me. A lot of the time when talking to my DP he didn’t seem interested in what I had to say and was more concerned with playing on the computer game on his phone.
So me and the OM started talking daily, it become a routine I was looking forward too, however at this point I’d never met him.
About a month or so after we started talking we organised to meet up. In a public place and just for a drink.
The first time we saw each other, it sounds cliched, but I felt familiarity instantly and any worries I had about meeting him just melted away. We had a really nice time, laughing and joking together, he was a real gentleman holding the door open for me etc.
Anyway, fast forward a few months later and we’d met a couple of times more and had ended up kissing, he started sending me cards and gifts in the post that I obviously had to hide from my DP. Then the second lockdown happened (Christmas one) so we couldn’t meet for about 3 months, it was horrible and I felt suicidal during that time. My DP was awful to live with during that time as he was working from home and found it really stressful, so was constantly in a bad mood.
Me and OM started writing each other letters, which he sprayed with his aftershave and I sprayed with my perfume.
The next part I’m even more ashamed of, we started sending each other naughty pictures and sexting most nights when my DP and DS were asleep.
Me and DP hadn’t been intimate together for about 3 months at that point.
Anyway shortly after lockdown ended me and OM met up and we did some stuff in the car, which I’m not proud of obviously, but at the time there was a lot of sexual tension and it just happened.
A few weeks later, I told my DP I was going to stay with a friend for the night, and I ended up staying with OM for the first time and we did end up having sex. I felt so guilty in the morning, going back and seeing my DP and DS.
Fast forward to the present, OM says he loves me and wants us to be together. FYI he is single and doesn’t have any children. So there isn’t another party involved.
My head and my heart are saying two different things, the last 6 weeks or so over the summer holidays, DP has been making more of an effort and we have been getting on better, but I do have these strong feelings for OM which I can’t deny. It’s like an addiction, we talk daily and even when I tried not to talk to him for a couple of days, neither of us could manage it and we started messaging and FaceTiming again, because of the distance between us (about 3 hours drive) we only see each other now and again, but the fact is I’m scared. Scared that my DP will find out and I’ll be left with nothing. I am also financially dependent on him as I’m not in work at the moment, although I’m currently job searching.
I also rely heavily on his family to help me out with DS as my family don’t live nearby.
I’m full of guilt and spoke to OM last night telling him I think we need to end it and he got very upset and kept saying how much he loves me and how he wants us to be together.
I can’t imagine my life without him now , but equally I don’t want to further ruin the life I have here with my DP and DS, not to mention what our family and friends would think of me.

Always the passive "I ended up", isn't it. Try saying "I decided to kiss him" and "I decided (after planning ahead) to sleep with him".

Yes. "I decided to cheat on my partner" would be so refreshing compared to "excuse, excuse, excuse, ended up sleeping with another man"

@NowEvenBetter

It’s so predictable when the pro-affair people wheel out the old ‘things aren’t black and white’ phrase. In affairs they are. OP has two boyfriends, but only one knows about the other, which isn’t fair. Basic decency to dump one boyfriend before jumping onto the next penis.

Pro-affair 😂 ah, good old mumsnet.

OP, even leaving the OM out of the equation, you weren't happy in your current relationship. You are still not happy in your current relationship.

Regardless of whatever comes next with the OM, your current relationship needs to end (or needs serious work, after you come clean about the affair).

@PinkFizz1

OP I’m curious as to how your DP wants you to change before you get married? Can you elaborate on that bit?

Yes exactly. Not justifying the cheating, but why aren't people picking up on this?

No matter what people say, it's rarely black and white

Nobody's said it is, only that an "unfulfilling life" (if it is) is better addressed by sorting it or leaving rather than chaeting - especially when OP's openly admitted she's only there for the money

Anyway, I suppose flouncing off's a change from having the thread deleted for some spurious "reason" ...

Yes exactly. Not justifying the cheating, but why aren't people picking up on this?

Who says they aren’t? Several people have specifically mentioned it. But as you say, it doesn’t excuse the affair. If she was unhappy she could have left.

She can't just leave though because she's in a vulnerable position financially. Presumably doing most of the childcare.

So your relationship with DP wasn't great. So why didn't you end it?
Ah yes, Because you needed his money.

I have no sympathy for you. Or for your OM who must surely know you are married. So he sounds as delightful as you.

My advice is leave your DP, let him have a chance to meet a decent woman. Go with your OM who clearly gives zeros craps about the fact he is shagging someone elses wife. You're made for each other.

Poor little 3YO is stuck in the middle.

Perhaps stop thinking about what you want and start thinking about the decision you need to make as to what is best for your family. Quite honestly I think they would be better off without you.

And your DP needs to know about this affair. So that he can also decide what he wants to do.

Yes, she can leave. Her lifestyle would be materially reduced, but she could leave. She just prefers a better lifestyle with someone she only wants to be with for financial reasons. Life is not black and white, absolutely agree, but whether cheating, lying and manipulating someone to get what you want is wrong, whatever they did, is. It’s just wrong. Ah, apparently not from the cheater’ POV though. They’re cheating, of course. Then it’s obviously still wrong, yeah, but but but but but..........

You’re getting really harsh responses when you’re seeking help. You’re clearly unhappy in your relationship, I would think about ending this and being financially independent as a separate issue to being with the OM. Because you’re seeking a solution to your relationship woes in the OM it’s possible that he’s not actually right for you, just fulfilling a need IYSWIM. It wouldn’t be a good idea to go straight from your DP to the OM without a clear head and a break first.

You could tell your DP about the affair, or you could just avoid that drama and leave him for all the reasons you’re unhappy. I would chose the latter to be honest.

But you need to sort yourself financially.

If you plan to stay with DP and end the affair, I don’t see how you’ll pull that off without admitting to DP what has happened, this sort of thing will haunt you forever and probably come out anyway… once you tell DP the whole thing will blow up in your face and that will probably naturally end the affair for you, as the drama and guilt etc will be the shock you need to end it.

I don’t really see that you have any other options. Either leave DP and start a single life or admit the affair and see how DP feels and whether you can move forward.

Poverty is scary though and I wouldn’t blame you for waiting until you have a secure source of income and new job before choosing either option x

@CirqueDeMorgue

She can't just leave though because she's in a vulnerable position financially. Presumably doing most of the childcare.

She has plenty of help with childcare, from her partner’s family, she says so.

She could leave. She could apply for UC, start job hunting, she’d get a lot of help with childcare costs and 3 year olds get free hours anyway. Or she could leave and be the non resident parent. Her partner’s family could do childcare while he works and she could have contact at the weekends.

She has options.

Having one man pay your bills while you keep another hanging around for shagging purposes lacks integrity.

Once the excitement of sneaking about dulls down with OM and he's your everday partner who you live with, do you think he'll still be as appealing?

@Henio

Once the excitement of sneaking about dulls down with OM and he's your everday partner who you live with, do you think he'll still be as appealing?

Well he can't be as bad as her current partner!

Oh look.. Mills and Boon is back! :)

@Sampafie

This is glorious. Poor sod gets to go to work put food on your table so you can take your full belly to go have sex with another man. I hope your hubby finds out and leaves. Lets see how much fun this affair will seem when you have to work to fend for yourself, I doubt you ll have the energy to continue sneaking around to see him

tbh, DH doesn't sound like much of a catch either I felt like I was walking on eggshells with him all the time, he was always snapping at me and making me feel on edge frequently.... and saying he would only marry the OP if she 'changed. Changed what?

What did your DP want to change with you?

Change the whole 'shagging other men' perhaps

Whenever I ever post on these threads they get deleted so I will keep this short.

Can you access counselling for yourself to work out what you want to do?

It doesn't sound like you have any headspace to try and work out your options.

Have a look at limerance. The first bits of any relationship are akin to madness. It's a chemical imbalance that isn't sustainable. It fades.

What would life look like in 10 years time if you left for the OM? Try and picture the reality.

Consider what would happen if you told your current partner about the affair?

It doesn't sound like your relationship with your dp is strong enough to overcome all the hurdles, some of which are of your making but some of which existed prior to the affair.
I'd be making arrangements to separate. You can and will survive without the support of his family. Don't think about living with the OM for a good while yet - it may have fizzled out by then under the different circumstances. Get the separation from DP sorted first. There are a few ways you can do this... but you'll need mediation and/or legal advice to sort it out. Get the ball rolling now. Don't use your dp as a cash cow. You are better than that. Just be strong and make the break that you need to.

Being with my partner is rubbish and horrible but it pays well, so instead of having any integrity, I let him continue to pay my way whilst I shag someone else...

Oooh you're getting harsh responses here OP...

My advice is...

You're clearly thinking about the conditions of your life. You are not financially safe, nor in a stable relationship that you're happy with. I think you need to plan to leave your partner, go back home perhaps and rent and work, with your family around you.

From there, see how the land lies with the other man. But be very aware that it may not last. I know that's hard to hear but it could be the way it turns out. At least you'll be properly single then, and out of a fading relationship and no longer doing wrong by cheating.

I understand that life is complex and these things heat up out of friendship, but you are actively doing wrong at the moment. Can you feel better by cutting it dead and ending your primary relationship? Then immediately search for work and get cracking on forging a way out.

It's scary but it may be the way forward.

That's what I'd do anyway. X

I actually feel for you. Why? I’m going through something similar

For me I didn’t see it coming, and it’s hit me like a ton of bricks. My DH is always telling me to change, and leaves you with no self esteem. To then have someone who makes you feel attractive again and pay you attention is just amazing. An example my end, my DH never asks how my day went. OM phones me everyday and always asks how my morning is. He’s interested in me.

Dunno what I’m going to do long term, but i think we both need to leave our ‘D’P’s

Thanks for the replies.

I’m pretty sure I deserve all of them, as I do feel like I’ve been underhanded.

To answer some questions:

• I was working up until just before the first lockdown, I had severe PND which hadn’t been fully resolved after the birth of DS

• I rely on his parents for childcare as I attend a peer support group for my mental health once a week, before it was on zoom, now it’s in person, I also need support because of my MH, I have ASD and BPD.

• I can’t go and live back with my parents as I couldn’t take my son with me (they live the other side of the country) because his dad wouldn’t allow me to and I couldn’t leave without him, as it would mean I would hardly see him.

• I’m not happy in my current relationship, hence the affair, I haven’t been happy for some time. I mentioned couples counselling to him way before I met OM but he said he didn’t want to.

• What he’d asked me to change before we could get married was allowing him more time to do things, because at the time I was suffering with bad PND I didn’t want to be alone with our son and so if he wanted to go out with a friend or go for a jog or bike ride I’d get really upset (looking back this was terrible of me but I wasn’t in control of my MH or emotions at the time).

• I think I’ve always had this idea of the ‘perfect’ relationship in my head, my parents marriage was awful and they were constantly arguing when we were growing up, my mum would often say she was ready to walk out and take us with her, but it never happened.

I’ve read so many novels, watched so many films and been fed this romantic fantasy of the perfect man. Flowers, cards, letters, being doted on. Attention, affection and compliments.

I dont really understand what to do you want from this thread op?

Being with my partner is rubbish and horrible but it pays well, so instead of having any integrity, I let him continue to pay my way whilst I shag someone else...

Well, op's partner relies on her for childcare which is why he is able to 'pay her way.' 🙄