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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dinner dispute

102 replies

JLA1980 · 24/08/2021 13:06

I would really like some advice about whether I’m being unreasonable.

My OH and I aren’t in a particularly happy place at the moment. He has his own issues with me but for my part I feel under appreciated all the time. An example of this is an argument which has arisen today.

I am a stay at home mum after I gave up my career to be at home for the kids. I accept that as a SAHM my role includes maintaining the house, cleaning, cooking etc. But I literally do all of it.

I do all the cooking which I am ok with but my OH moans about the food I cook - it’s 95% scratch cooked, healthy meals. There are some meals which I make because our children like them - but which he doesn’t like. This represents maybe 1 meal every 1-2 weeks and on those occasions I always offer to make him something separate.

He says to me that I should be making all meals for him - I.e. to his taste and that a real woman in a relationship would want to cater to his needs and wants. I pointed out to him that this would mean the kids missing a favourite meal as I wouldn’t make that any more and he said that doesn’t matter.

He says that if I can’t cook what he likes all the time what am I to him.

Am I being unreasonable to think that this is an ungrateful attitude. I never expect him to cook for us, just not to complain about what I do cook and to make out like I do nothing for him. I cook for the family, which includes him but is not exclusively him.

This may seem really trivial but it’s an attitude that cuts through many issues in our relationship

Any thoughts or advice would be really gratefully received - either way :-) x

OP posts:
FieldOverFence · 24/08/2021 13:18

Holy shit has he always been so utterly selfish ? He's the only one who should have his tastes taken into account and on-one else matters ?

Shoxfordian · 24/08/2021 13:19

He thinks you’re his housekeeper
Ltb

MarshmallowSwede · 24/08/2021 13:20

I don’t understand why he’s upset. You offer to make him something as an alternative to wha the children are eating.

It is strange to me that a man would begrudge his own children having a favorite meal.

So he wants you to basically never cook anything specifically for your children? Interesting.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 24/08/2021 13:21

He's a total wanker.

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/08/2021 13:23

He sees you as his skivvy, that’s really grim. A real man cares about his partner and doesn’t treat her life dirt.

I take it you’re not married? Can you support yourself and leave him? How old are the children?

This isn’t a dinner issue, this is a sexist bastard treats his partner with contempt issue.

GreyCarpet · 24/08/2021 13:23

Surely a real man would understand why you are doing this and get over himself.

He wants a domestic servant and not a partner/wife/mother to his children.

He sounds dreadful.

NewbieSM · 24/08/2021 13:23

I would stop making him any dinner, how bloody ungrateful, he's not your boss! Tell him to stick his selfish attitude and start treating you like a wife not a slave

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 24/08/2021 13:24

It is not trivial!

If you can't cook what I like all the time then what are you to me?

I'm your wife and your equal.

Honestly, if my husband said that to me, he would cook his own meals for the rest of our marriage.

Which wouldn't be that long since he clearly had no respect for me.

Atalune · 24/08/2021 13:25

Horrible.

He is a tyrant.

Roasteros · 24/08/2021 13:25

"a real woman in a relationship would want to cater to his needs and wants."

Entitled much?

pecanmix · 24/08/2021 13:25

He says to me that I should be making all meals for him - I.e. to his taste and that a real woman in a relationship would want to cater to his needs and wants.

He can't be serious

TheSecondMrsAshwell · 24/08/2021 13:29

Buy him a train ticket back to the 18th Century.

It's one thing to make your DP a dinner that he likes as a treat because he's had a shit week, quite another to only make what he wants and bugger every one else. And it's something else to cook differently for the children because not everyone wants kiddy food.

He says that if I can’t cook what he likes all the time what am I to him. The STBX Mr JLA1980..... If my DP said something like that, the next thing he would be eating would be the front doormat.

glitterelf · 24/08/2021 13:29

Why are you even cooking for him, there's 5 of us in our household 4 adults and 1 child they either eat what's provided or fend for themselves. I detest the nightmare of dinner times and who likes what and who won't eat this that or the other that it was stressing me out too much so I stopped pandering to them.
As it's me who does the shopping and cooking they like it or lump it.

midlifecrash · 24/08/2021 13:29

Ugh. What’s he to you and your kids is a better question. Sounds like he resents you all. Bastard.

TerrificTeapot · 24/08/2021 13:32

Please go back to work so that you have some reference for what normal behaviour should sound like.
Living in that muck for too long will destroy you .

Jumpingintosummer · 24/08/2021 13:32

I couldn’t bring myself to be in the same room as this man never mind sleep with him. Do yourself a favour and separate.

altmember · 24/08/2021 13:32

Tell him you want to switch roles - he can be the sole 'home maker' while you go out to work.

LittleLottieChaos · 24/08/2021 13:34

‘Real woman’ - he’s a revolting chode and you should just tell him to make his own dinner from now on.

Originally · 24/08/2021 13:34

I am a stay at home mum after I gave up my career to be at home for the kids.

Big mistake. Huge.

Save yourself. Get back to work.

helpfulperson · 24/08/2021 13:34

This is not about what you cook for dinner. It's about how he sees the relationship and your role in it.

happymummy12345 · 24/08/2021 13:37

Tell him to go back to whatever past age or time he is stuck in. I'm a SAHM, and my husband would never ever treat me like that. I wouldn't be with someone who did. On his days off he is more than happy to help out round the house. And he's a chef so he wants to cook as much as possible. He does shift work so he isn't always at home at dinner time, but on his days off and if he was on an early shift and is home from work by dinner time, he will cook because he wants to.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 24/08/2021 13:38

You need to go back to work in any way possible.

Then you need to leave him.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 24/08/2021 13:38

Fucking hell is he for real? Or has he come from the 1920's? Does he ever cook? He would be out on his arse in my house.

Bbub · 24/08/2021 13:40

My honest thoughts on this are that he is a total scumbag. If he was asking you to consider his preferences in what you make that would be reasonable but when I saw "real woman" i was shocked and disgusted! I wouldnt stay with a man like this

Bbub · 24/08/2021 13:42

@helpfulperson

This is not about what you cook for dinner. It's about how he sees the relationship and your role in it.
100% this OP. Please recognise that you are an equal human being and deserve so much better than this treatment.

As another pp said, start earning your own money and leave him

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