Dinner dispute

[JLA1980]

I would really like some advice about whether I’m being unreasonable.

My OH and I aren’t in a particularly happy place at the moment. He has his own issues with me but for my part I feel under appreciated all the time. An example of this is an argument which has arisen today.

I am a stay at home mum after I gave up my career to be at home for the kids. I accept that as a SAHM my role includes maintaining the house, cleaning, cooking etc. But I literally do all of it.

I do all the cooking which I am ok with but my OH moans about the food I cook - it’s 95% scratch cooked, healthy meals. There are some meals which I make because our children like them - but which he doesn’t like. This represents maybe 1 meal every 1-2 weeks and on those occasions I always offer to make him something separate.

He says to me that I should be making all meals for him - I.e. to his taste and that a real woman in a relationship would want to cater to his needs and wants. I pointed out to him that this would mean the kids missing a favourite meal as I wouldn’t make that any more and he said that doesn’t matter.

He says that if I can’t cook what he likes all the time what am I to him.

Am I being unreasonable to think that this is an ungrateful attitude. I never expect him to cook for us, just not to complain about what I do cook and to make out like I do nothing for him. I cook for the family, which includes him but is not exclusively him.

This may seem really trivial but it’s an attitude that cuts through many issues in our relationship

Any thoughts or advice would be really gratefully received - either way :-) x

Going against the grain here to say, why not just bulk cook and freeze a few individual portions of kid's favourite & DH's favourite meals. Then it's just a matter of defrosting and reheating, once in a while, to ensure everyone gets a meal they enjoy.

If you've reverted to bickering about meals I think there are bigger problems here, there sounds like a lot of resentment on both sides. I'd start tackling the bigger problems first, arguing about meals and cooking is petty.

Communication? Sex life? Date nights? Laughing together? Mutual respect? Deeper problems are probably what's causing silly arguments.

I am 100% sure this man is revolting in all aspects of your relationship.
Get shot and you will do so much better.

He says that if I can’t cook what he likes all the time what am I to him.

Bloody hell - did he say that out loud? That he thinks you exist to please him in your service?

If this attitude does indeed cut through your whole relationship I would be thinking very seriously about my future.

You’re there to serve him and follow his every whim. I wouldn’t even say you’re the hired help, he doesn’t even think that. In a family everyone’s tastes and wants are considered, not just his. Time to get your ducks in a row.

“Real woman” what the fuck does that mean?! I must be a fake or pretend woman as l don’t spend every waking hour pandering to my fiancé’s every whim

He says to me that I should be making all meals for him - I.e. to his taste and that a real woman in a relationship would want to cater to his needs and wants.

Was he brought up in the 1950s? A real woman? How fucking dare he? I'm livid on your behalf here!

Is he a real man? Does he cater to all your needs and wants? Like having a career, a respectful partner who has manners and courtesy and a sense of appreciatiation?

What an absolute tosser!

Very misogynistic attitude from him

Holy cow, a father who puts his own needs and wants before his children’s 🤬

Couldn’t be with a man like that.

And the way he treats you is also shocking OP.

Send him to the tower of London, and locked up for a while, and he can eat the same food as the Ravens eat. His views are crap, so just carry on as you wish.

Are you a cartoon by any chance, if you are not a ’real woman’..?

I’m a SAHM and my husband cooks dinner twice a week or so. Sorry, but his attitude stinks.

I'd never cook the twat another meal tbh. No man who puts himself before his kids is worth anything.

Holy shit. Get a job and get a new life. Find your self esteem and dump him. You are worth more than this.

no. just no! come on, you know that's not how you speak to someone you love and respect! I'm a sahm i do 97% of food prep, cooking washing, cleaning, admin etc but its appreciated, my husband doesn't love every meal but its tough there's other people in the house. you cant live the rest of your life being spoken to like that and treated like a skivvy. fuck that!

We both work full time and I do all the cooking because I like it and I'm good at it. I broadly take account of what everyone likes, of course, but if my DH or the kids complain it would very much be a like it or lump it situation. Fair enough you do everything domestic if that's the 'deal' here at the moment, but he doesn't get to dictate terms or moan, it's not a bloody restaurant. Maybe get him (and the kids) involved in meal planning every week? That's the bit that really grinds me down, the thinking about what the hell everyone is going to eat, every single day and every single evening. And if he won't contribute to that, then it's even more true that he can't be an ungrateful arse.

if my
oh said that to me I would be tipping that dinner over his head .

OMG, get away from him

I am a SAHM, during the week I cooked the meals and always have but Dh cooks on a weekend, firstly because he likes cooking (comes in on a weekday and often takes over stirring and dishing up) but also because he loves us and likes to take care of us by cooking his "specials" which the children and I all love.

A "real woman"? WTF. No you don't pander to a man acting like a child, why isn't he doing any cooking at all? Even when Ds2 was little he learned that not every meal was about him, some stuff he thought was just okay but maybe Ds1 loves it. It is about give and take. But those are children not grown men.

I think your "D"h's attitude is terrible. A "real man" would appreciate his wife doing all of the cooking and actually do some cooking himself, you know as it is not 1920.

Well obviously he’s trash, but is he just a boyfriend? You have zero legal protections, and need to get back to work immediately.

Can you go back to work? How can you stay in the same house as this awful human, let alone sleep with him is beyond me.

He'd be going very hungry in my house!

The OP just got worse and worse the more I read.

I'm not trying to give you a kicking when you're down as that's not much use to you now but I am genuinely, genuinely curious - why on earth did you settle down with this man? I can't imagine getting past the first date with a man so misogynistic, entitled, disrespectful etc, let alone choosing to have children with him. I understand that you probably feel very trapped now, but at some point before you got pregnant his values and behaviour must have been apparent.

Anyway. He won't change. He doesn't love you or value you because he is so deeply misogynistic that he is incapable of viewing you (or any woman) as anything more than a housemaid/cook/nanny/sex doll. You have unfortunately made the enormous mistake of having children with such a man and giving up your career and financial independence, without the security of marriage. You really don't have a second to waste in rebuilding your life without him. Every month you spend trapped in this awful relationship is costing you dearly in terms of your ability to raise funds/borrowing power for a property of your own, saving money for a rental property, paying into a pension etc. If you want a life worth living, the time is NOW.

Start looking to get a job with a view to building your confidence and getting rid of him. He is the worst kind of husband with antiquated views.

He says to me ... that a real woman in a relationship would want to cater to his needs and wants.

I think he'll find that's an imaginary woman.

‘Real men’ aren’t so f* selfish and put their kids wants and needs before their own!

What an arrogant twat.

"He says to me that I should be making all meals for him - I.e. to his taste and that a real woman in a relationship would want to cater to his needs and wants."

And a real man would care about his partner and not treat her like the chief cook and bottle washer.