Dinner dispute

[JLA1980]

I would really like some advice about whether I’m being unreasonable.

My OH and I aren’t in a particularly happy place at the moment. He has his own issues with me but for my part I feel under appreciated all the time. An example of this is an argument which has arisen today.

I am a stay at home mum after I gave up my career to be at home for the kids. I accept that as a SAHM my role includes maintaining the house, cleaning, cooking etc. But I literally do all of it.

I do all the cooking which I am ok with but my OH moans about the food I cook - it’s 95% scratch cooked, healthy meals. There are some meals which I make because our children like them - but which he doesn’t like. This represents maybe 1 meal every 1-2 weeks and on those occasions I always offer to make him something separate.

He says to me that I should be making all meals for him - I.e. to his taste and that a real woman in a relationship would want to cater to his needs and wants. I pointed out to him that this would mean the kids missing a favourite meal as I wouldn’t make that any more and he said that doesn’t matter.

He says that if I can’t cook what he likes all the time what am I to him.

Am I being unreasonable to think that this is an ungrateful attitude. I never expect him to cook for us, just not to complain about what I do cook and to make out like I do nothing for him. I cook for the family, which includes him but is not exclusively him.

This may seem really trivial but it’s an attitude that cuts through many issues in our relationship

Any thoughts or advice would be really gratefully received - either way :-) x

I think living under this oppression has clouded your judgement.
This is not normal behaviour from a man (or woman) to their partner. Regardless of who works and who looks after the children.
If any partner spoke to me like that, that would be the very last conversation we had. I would be looking for a divorce lawyer or a legal separation if you're not married.
My foot would be so far entrenched up his jaxy he'd need the finest surgeon in the UK to remove it.
What you have is a selfish, self centered fuckwit.
You and your kids deserve better.

He says "what am I to him"??? You're his wife, for goodness sake, not the cook/housekeeper!
I am genuinely gobsmacked at this post, that there are men out there who treat their wives and children like this.
Who died and made him King?
He is ruling the house like it's his own personal fiefdom. Fuck that.

He sounds like a nightmare!!!

"A real woman would..." is ridiculous and outrageous bullshit.

Are you married, OP? Because if not, I'd go back to a career post haste (and might anyway). He sounds controlling and ungrateful, and I'd need to feel financially secure: either the protections provided by marriage, my own earning power, or both.

LTB

It's not trivial, OP. If you have any doubt, OP, this would not be an acceptable way of thinking if you had no children as your preferences should carry as much weight as his. In addition, this prince is putting his preferences before those of his DC which to me is unacceptable. A parent should be willing to go hungry, not have a tantrum because he can't eat what he wants every day. Arguably, DC's wishes should generally have priority as their palettes are different and are learning. His way of thinking is absurd, let alone the way he expresses it 'If I can’t cook what he likes all the time what am I to him.' You are his partner and the mother of his children about whom you are thinking and an adult with her own wishes.

It's a good thing you have realised this is wrong.

Good luck.

You were not put on this earth to serve him. You are not being unreasonable; he is a selfish, entitled pig.

I thinkbyouvhave been moulded to make your life centre around him. I hope you find the strength to leave him. He does not deserve you.

He says to me that I should be making all meals for him - I.e. to his taste and that a real woman in a relationship would want to cater to his needs and wants

Oh lordy, where did you find this dinosaur? More importantly, why are you keeping him?

You're the skivvy. How can you be in a relationship like this knowing he has absolutely zero respect for you?

JLA

re your comment:-

"He says to me that I should be making all meals for him - I.e. to his taste and that a real woman in a relationship would want to cater to his needs and wants".

For that comment alone, let alone the rest of it, I would be leaving him to his overwhelming self centered sense of entitlement. Who died and made him king?.

I am not at all surprised to read that you and this man (I take it as read you are not married to him) are not in a happy place relationship wise. HE is the problem here, not you. Such men as well do not change.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Would you want them to live like this in their relationships, no you would not. He sees you really as no more than a housekeeper/maid?.

Get a job ASAP.
Anything… you need to leave this entitled prick.
If not for yourself, for your children.
Its not 1721 FFS.

If you're not going to leave then you at least need to get a job and immediately refuse to cook any meals for him. Bloody hell.

God, the fact he's fine with the children missing out on their favourite meal is absolutely awful.

Have my very first LTB.

He says that if I can’t cook what he likes all the time what am I to him.

This is astonishing, especially considering you've given birth to his children.

He doesn't sound like the kind of person you'd want to sit next to on the bus, let alone share your life with. Please realise you are worth much much more than this.

He wants a handmaiden, someone who never questions the Lord and Master and does what He wants and He says. To him you are not a sentient, intelligent independent being, you are a female and your only purpose in this life is to be a real women a stepford wife.

That one comment of his shows that you and your DC come second in his eyes and and that you have problems that go so much deeper than an argument over meals.

I could never be with a man that treats me with so little respect.

My best advice is to stop being a SAHM, and to tell him to FOTTFSOFATFOSM.

He says that to you because a) he's a twat and b) he knows he can because you depend on him financially.

So, gain your financial independence and get rid of a man who thinks women are to serve him.

He's an ungrateful shit.

I'm also a SAHM who does all the cooking. My DH is never anything but eternally grateful for anything I serve up. Even when it's a new recipe which is a complete disaster.

You say OH, I really hope you're married for some protection. Regardless: I would be looking at your own financial protection NOW. See what you can do to get back to work ASAP. See what support you need from him to do this. Lie if you need to - say you'll continue to do all the house stuff if that's what it takes for him to pay for childcare/support you to get a job.

Then, honestly, I'd be planning to leave. The biggest sign of a relationship that is going to fail is contempt. And he has such obvious contempt for you, but more worryingly, also for your children. This relationship won't last OP: that's not me telling you to leave him, it just seems so vanishingly unlikely someone with those views won't either treat you so badly you eventually leave or have an exit affair or just randomly decide to leave. So you need to start some serious planning.

There is no dispute, he is a twat

There were certain meals i cooked and dh would say it wasn't his favourite.
He would never be demanding though.

I'd be tempted to give him his same favourite meal every night until he's physically sick of it.
But I'm a horrible person.

This may seem really trivial

Ha! No.

Oh come on. Don't be a door mat. LTB or go back to work and forge some security for yourself then LTB.

Wow op, if you looked up definition of a selfish wanker there would be am image of him. Honestly I’d tell him to fuck off and cook only for me ans the kids. Don’t be putting up with that shit.

Why do women keep having children with these men