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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP sleeping around. Livid.

148 replies

cheatinglyingb · 20/08/2021 21:19

I knew something was not right, just had a suspicion, so I checked DP's phone.

He has been messaging a woman he met 3 years ago since January this year. He initiated contact to get back in touch. Since February, he has been seeing her twice a month it seems when I am at work. We don't live together. They send each other crude messages about sex and about him 'filling' her up. They are not using condoms and she had a pregnancy scare from what I can see from the messages.

OP posts:
Alondra · 21/08/2021 09:58

I just cannot understand why he cheated. And the way he cheated. He is just not that person, I could never have imagined this

He IS that person. But he's not the person YOU THOUGHT he was.

As a previous poster said, judge his actions, not his words. You have an enormous advantage on women married and living with these arseholes.

Walk away and don't look back.

Zhampagne · 21/08/2021 10:02

End the relationship and thank your stars that you aren't pregnant with his child. I'm really sorry, OP Flowers

toolazytothinkofausername · 21/08/2021 10:07

@Zhampagne

End the relationship and thank your stars that you aren't pregnant with his child. I'm really sorry, OP Flowers
Hear hear!

Focus this weekend on yourself. Take away and plenty of comedy films.

thenewduchessofhastings · 21/08/2021 10:07

He wasn't "sleeping around" he's been having a full on physical and emotional affair with another woman for at least 6 months.

Get rid of him and get tested for STD's.

SadWife321 · 21/08/2021 10:16

I’m so sorry this is happening to you OP. But everyone is right - he is showing you who he actually is, so you now have to try to erase your previous image of him and replace it with this: he is a lying cheat. I know only too well how difficult that it is in the immediate aftermath, when you are accustomed to thinking of him with love - your mind will work to create explanations and justifications because you just don’t want this to be true or to be the end. That is natural. But it isn’t helpful to you in the long term, so just keep breathing and putting one foot in front of the other - away from him. He has made conscious and active choices on numerous occasions to deceive and betray you. He has proved that he is actually an awful person, and does not deserve you, OP. There are better times ahead Flowers

SamiReed1 · 21/08/2021 10:28

Yes the fact that (if you believe his story) he and the OW actually had discussed contraception and not using a condom in the future and STI tested shows that they were actually in a relationship. It wasn't a one night stand or an affair, there was discussion and a lot of thought and planning.

He is in an actual relationship with her.

lastcall · 21/08/2021 10:31

@SamiReed1

Yes the fact that (if you believe his story) he and the OW actually had discussed contraception and not using a condom in the future and STI tested shows that they were actually in a relationship. It wasn't a one night stand or an affair, there was discussion and a lot of thought and planning.

He is in an actual relationship with her.

Yep. Not sleeping around; in a relationship with another woman entirely. And happy to risk having a baby with her instead of you.
viques · 21/08/2021 10:41

@cheatinglyingb

He is blaming me and saying I was always threatening to leave, so he started looking
Well there you are then. your fault. You are probably the one to blame for global warming too.He really is a total loser isn’t he.What a pathetic tossed he is.

Be thankful you aren’t the one responsible for making sure he passes on those sadly lacking in humanity, integrity and honesty genes.

Fleek · 21/08/2021 10:54

I'm so sorry OP. While you have every right to be furious and the timing is awful with your age and wanting a baby, I think you have also had a really lucky escape. He sounds absolutely awful - definitely not someone to be tied to in any way and certainly not for the next 18 years. Block him, never speak to him again and move on to someone much better. It will hurt for a bit but really you've not lost anything or anyone decent, it's just you had an idea of him being someone he wasn't and it hurts to lose that person, I'm sure.

I really hope you have better luck in the future

TheABC · 21/08/2021 11:10

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. In this case a two-timing tosser.

Thank goodness you found out before you got pregnant.

MackenCheese · 21/08/2021 11:18

Stay strong! I know you didn't see this coming, but he and the OW are laughing behind your back. He sounds absolutely horrible, and she's welcome to him. Be kind to yourself and Get rid!!

UserStillatLarge · 21/08/2021 11:20

Not the OP's main concern I know (she should absolutely focus on herself) but I wonder if the OW knows that OP exists? Because the comments about OP not wanting to TTC with such a "peach" as her DP could well apply to the OW.

GrandDuchessRomanov · 21/08/2021 11:25

Off. He. Fucks. Literally.

So sorry OP. At least you found out before you had a child with him.

That child has dodged the bullet for a cunt of a Father.

Pinkbonbon · 21/08/2021 11:35

Echo other posters, what a relief he didn't get you pregnant.

Fucking 'lonely' ha! What a cheek.

BSideBaby · 21/08/2021 11:36

So sorry OP.

When I was in the same situation it came to light that the OW had no idea I existed. We both left him of course, and the last I heard the cheating arsehole prick was single and telling anyone who'd listen how lonely he was. Fingers crossed the outcome will be the same here.

Onwards and upwards OP.

Planesmistakenforstars · 21/08/2021 11:39

I just cannot understand why he cheated. And the way he cheated. He is just not that person, I could never have imagined this

Please don't tie yourself in knots trying to understand it. You are already heading down the path of believing there is a reason for it that you can change and then go back. The "reason" is that he wanted his dick in someone else. It won't change, and you can't ever understand it, because you wouldn't do it.

I'm so very sorry OP, you must be in bits. But he is that person. He's been that person all along and he's managed to convince you that he's not.

tenterden · 21/08/2021 11:55

Well he did it because he could. Because he wanted to.

Beyond that please don't waste your time trying to understand him or tying yourself in knots thinking about it any further.

Think about yourself, not him.

QueenBee52 · 21/08/2021 12:00

It sounds like you see him as a of victim of this betrayal just like yourself.. and are about to forgive him because your body lock and time is against you...

it's not...

HE was planning a life with another woman... you are not imagining this.. he was not tricked in to this.. he willingly and happily started a new relationship and planned a future with someone else.. whilst you were sat alone thinking about your ovulation cycle....

THAT is who he is... you could not trust him .. he is a future faker and I would end this.. you know you deserve way better 🌸

choli · 21/08/2021 12:35

He initiated contact to get back in touch. Since February, he has been seeing her twice a month it seems when I am at work. We don't live together.
He's not your partner. He's a guy you were sleeping with, who is also sleeping with others. Cut your losses and move on.

QueenBee52 · 21/08/2021 13:00

@choli

He initiated contact to get back in touch. Since February, he has been seeing her twice a month it seems when I am at work. We don't live together. He's not your partner. He's a guy you were sleeping with, who is also sleeping with others. Cut your losses and move on.

Yes I'd say this pretty much shows you it's over

grapewine · 21/08/2021 15:27

@choli

He initiated contact to get back in touch. Since February, he has been seeing her twice a month it seems when I am at work. We don't live together. He's not your partner. He's a guy you were sleeping with, who is also sleeping with others. Cut your losses and move on.
On point.

Stop referring to him as partner in your own mind. He doesn't view you as his.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/08/2021 15:38

How are you today, OP?

Please tell us you've dumped this cheating piece of shit?

You deserve much better.

WhatdoIsaytothem · 21/08/2021 18:25

Hope you are feeling ok.
All the advice here is good advice.
I hope you feel you can be strong and know 100% that you deserve better x

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