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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP sleeping around. Livid.

148 replies

cheatinglyingb · 20/08/2021 21:19

I knew something was not right, just had a suspicion, so I checked DP's phone.

He has been messaging a woman he met 3 years ago since January this year. He initiated contact to get back in touch. Since February, he has been seeing her twice a month it seems when I am at work. We don't live together. They send each other crude messages about sex and about him 'filling' her up. They are not using condoms and she had a pregnancy scare from what I can see from the messages.

OP posts:
Chickychickydodah · 21/08/2021 08:38

Don’t believe his lies anymore. Walk away .

TheFairPrincess · 21/08/2021 08:42

Can't get over the fact this man chose to have unprotected sex with 2 different women at the same time, while promising to actively TTC with one of them.

I can't believe people can be so disgusting and also stupid. Imagine if he got you both pregnant which was the bloody likely thing to happen!

OP, he was willing to make you pregnant, vulnerable and tied to him, while potentially having another baby with someone else. I am so sad and angry on your behalf Flowers

Good luck with getting far away from him. Thank goodness you are child free and not living with him! I hope it goes as smoothly as possible

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 21/08/2021 08:42

'It's not "happening to us"
Like it's some sort of natural disaster.'

Please heed this. The language you're using heavily suggests you're thinking about forgiving him. Please don't. He's been facedown in her fanny for months and months, hadn't been gloving up, and has been telling her he's leaving you. You cannot come back from this. Go.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/08/2021 08:47

Why would a guy be TTC with one woman will planning to leave and move in with another!

Because it's all about them and what they want and any resulting kids don't matter (and can always be walked away from)

What matters most is them getting the best sex they can, so how dare anyone suggest they wear a condom and spoil things?

JustJustWhy · 21/08/2021 08:50

@cheatinglyingb

He is blaming me and saying I was always threatening to leave, so he started looking
Why do people always have to have SOMEONE, ANYONE? If your partner was threatening to leave why do you have to line someone else up in the first place? It is okay to be on your own - especially straight after a break up.
AgentJohnson · 21/08/2021 08:58

He was always this guy, it’s only now you are finding this out.

May I ask why you were TTC with someone you didn’t live with?

AgentJohnson · 21/08/2021 09:02

Of course he’s begging to stay, loneliness or relationship insecurity didn’t make him do it, entitlement did. The same entitlement that makes him think that you’d waste more of your time with his cheating lying arse. Bin!

girlmom21 · 21/08/2021 09:07

Even if you don't leave him for yourself leave him for the children he planned to have with you.

He could easily have got you both pregnant at the same time and been a half-arsed or non-existent dad for both children. Any future children you do have deserve so much better.

hullaballoo19 · 21/08/2021 09:08

@cheatinglyingb

We are only in our 30s, I can't believe this is happening to us
This is not 'happening to us', this is happening to YOU! He did this to you
Ellmau · 21/08/2021 09:13

DP has no other friends

And now you know why.

You can find someone better, who actually respects you.

Original poster
cheatinglyingb · 21/08/2021 09:14

Thanks for all of these responses, they really help me stay strong.

To answer some of the questions, we are both 37 so time is not on our side for TTC. He doesn't have any children, we have both been very busy over the last few years with building our careers. We both had periods of working 16hr days and time just flew by.

I just cannot understand why he cheated. And the way he cheated. He is just not that person, I could never have imagined this.

OP posts:
Chocaholic9 · 21/08/2021 09:15

So sorry OP.

It is a blessing you found out now before you brought a child into it. Even though it is painful, you have well and truly dodged a bullet in that regard.

Polkabott · 21/08/2021 09:16

Sadly he is that person OP, as he has done it. I forgave and stayed with an ex as it seemed so out of character I couldn't compute that he'd done it, but ultimately the lack of trust and the betrayal ruined out relationship anyway. I wish I'd left him when he showed me who he was, but appreciate its not easy. Take some time to yourself would be my advice.

Chocaholic9 · 21/08/2021 09:16

I am 37, too. Don't go back to him because you think you don't have options and time is running out. You do have options. I am currently dating and it's clear that there are plenty of good men out there in our age group.

oreo2020 · 21/08/2021 09:17

Well OP he is 'that' person unfortunately. Those who can disguise themselves well, they are the most skillful cheaters. Count yourself lucky that you have not conceived and LTB. You are 37 - plenty of time to meet someone else and have a family. Congratulate yourself on your findings and move on to a better life.

grapewine · 21/08/2021 09:18

It's happening to you, not the two of you. His behaviour is an active choice.

Just be grateful that you don't live with him and have children to consider. It will hurt but walking away is so much easier for those reasons.

VorpalSword · 21/08/2021 09:18

You are going to need that anger over the next few weeks/months. What he did was shitty, because he is a shit (there is no other reason, don’t look for one).

Have you told anyone in real life? You are going to need support. Also tell the truth, hold you head up high and don’t try to shield him in anyway at all.

I wish I could come over and give you a mum hug, hopefully you have someone to do that.

Goodmum1234 · 21/08/2021 09:24

Sorry op it happened to me but three weeks before we were due to be married. It’s awful but get rid! I cancelled the wedding, £20k plus gone. He chased after my car screaming he loved me.
I met someone olse who was not a sneaky two timing bastard and life is good. I was in my thirties too
Op you’ll do fine Flowers

thethoughtfox · 21/08/2021 09:28

@cheatinglyingb

I have ordered an STI kit. He told me he did a test and she did too before they stopped using protection. I am so angry with him how could he do this
This is hard to stomach: it was thoughtfully discussed, reasoned and planned out decisions not anything that could be dismissed as 'heat of the moment' or 'losing his head'. This wasn't sleeping around. This is a relationship. So sorry, OP.
Geriatric1234 · 21/08/2021 09:31

So sorry OP. What an utter w**ker. Sending solidarity. ❤️

lastcall · 21/08/2021 09:31

@cheatinglyingb

Thanks for all of these responses, they really help me stay strong.

To answer some of the questions, we are both 37 so time is not on our side for TTC. He doesn't have any children, we have both been very busy over the last few years with building our careers. We both had periods of working 16hr days and time just flew by.

I just cannot understand why he cheated. And the way he cheated. He is just not that person, I could never have imagined this.

He IS that person, OP. And he almost got another woman pregnant and would have no doubt sauntered off with her to raise it.

It sounds like you're looking to rationalize his behaviour so you can stay, though. Good luck with that.

He's shown he's a cheater and happy to blame you for his behaviour. You'd be mad to stay with him, let alone have a child with him.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/08/2021 09:34

He doesn't have any children ...

As far as he knows (or cares to know), and as far as you know come to that. If he takes such a cavalier approach to contraception it's not as assumption I'd want to make

Neither is the "fact" that they both tested before quitting the condoms; after all he's lied about so much else, so why wouldn't that be a lie too, especially when he's hardly the responsible type?

Purplecatshopaholic · 21/08/2021 09:42

I am sorry op, but he very much is ‘that person’. He is a liar and does not care about you or your health. Please get out now, he won’t change.

SmileyClare · 21/08/2021 09:48

I'm so sorry he's not the man you thought he was. You must be reeling.Flowers

Allow yourself time to grieve for the life you had planned. Do you have friends or family who can support you through this? The reason he cheated is not because of you, her, his work, his poor tortured soul. It's because he's a deeply selfish man who will lie to get what he wants.

Judge his actions, not his words in this situation.

There really is no coming back from this level of deception and abuse of your trust. If you take him back now, you may as well throw your self esteem in the bin.

What an arsehole.

RampantIvy · 21/08/2021 09:53

So sorry this has happened to you. IMO you have dodged a bullet by not getting pregnant to this awful excuse for a human being.

I hope by now you have dumped him and blocked all means of contact.

Allow yourself time to grieve for what might have been, but do NOT take him back. He has shown you who he is.

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