Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Sacrificed my career now dh wants to leave

121 replies

LouLou198 · 20/08/2021 11:47

It's been a very difficult week. DH has unexpectedly announced he "still loved me but not in love with me" and wants to leave. I had a well paid job before dc, gave it up when I had dc 1. Took up another job part time, same field but much less responsibility and considerably reduced salary. That was 10 years ago, we now have 2 dc. He has climbed the career ladder, now in a senior management post, helped by the fact he has had no childcare commitments. Everything around dc has always been my responsibility. I'm now 40, facing losing my home, potentially my dc half the week and I am terrified. So mad I have left myself in such a vulnerable financial position. I have checked online and I aren't entitled to any benefits apart from child benefit which we already receive. Any advice would be appreciated, I have no idea what to do next. I really want to sort out the relationship but it isn't looking likely and dh has refused to attend marriage counselling.

OP posts:

GullyGull · 20/08/2021 11:51

How old are the kids?

Can you increase your hours?

Rainbowqueeen · 20/08/2021 11:52

You can’t sort out the relationship on your own, no matter how much you want to. Sorry

I’d focus on moving on and rebuilding your life. You need to find a lawyer and think about what you want. Do you want to keep the house? Can you afford to run it? You sound like you would be entitled to more than 50-50.
Move on while he is feeling guilty and less likely to fight.

I’m sorry this has happened but you really will be better off if you accept that your marriage is over and look out for yourself. Remember he is not your friend.

Okaygreatthanks · 20/08/2021 11:57

Well start with ‘I will need to be refocusing on my career obviously, so I will need you to be primary carer of kids. If I do every other weekend and have them for tea on a weds is that okay? I will be paying you csa from my wages which will be 10p a month. But sure with your muckety muck wages you’ll be grand! PS speaking of which I have a list of our assets and I will need half your pension and savings thanks love you still as a dear friend bye.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 20/08/2021 12:00

He will have to pay maintenance and possibly the mortgage as well. You need some legal advice.
Your career isn't over. You need to work on getting back on track, it can be done.

Original poster

LouLou198 · 20/08/2021 12:02

Dc are 11 and 6. I am currently looking at trying to increase my hours but it will cause childcare issues. Just can't believe this is happening to me. I'm not sure if I could keep the house, I don't think I would be able to remortgage to buy him out.

OP posts:

RedMarauder · 20/08/2021 12:03

You are 40 not 58, so your career isn't over. Your retirement age is currently 68.

Please see a solicitor and find out what you are entitled to.

feeficken · 20/08/2021 12:04

I am sorry you are going through this as its a horrible situation to be in, I've been there with my wife, especially if you want to fight and he has just given up and doesn't want to talk about it.

Could there be someone else? The alarm bells ring when I hear "I love you but I am not in love with you" its a common phrase used when someone else is on the scene. Your first instinct may be to say so way he wouldn't do that but just keep it in mind.

Now I wish someone gave me this advice back 18 months ago but do not pick me dance, don't do things to try win him back because trust me you will change the dynamic of situation and it will become even more toxic and unbalanced. It feels completely counter productive but you need to show him what a life without you looks like so start making your plans to separate.

Again its really hard and if there is someone else involved its almost an impossible situation to recover, you'll become enemy number one and everything to do will just be wrong in his eyes.

Good luck I hope things work out for you either way.

54321nought · 20/08/2021 12:04

You need legal advice, he will be paying a contribution, and having part custody, so don't panic

minipie · 20/08/2021 12:08

Ah love, how hard, I’m sorry.

First, it’s clear your H has moved on (quite likely has someone else waiting in the wings…) so I would not waste time and heartache flogging a dead horse. Get angry with him for ditching you like this rather than hoping you can fix things.

Second, get legal advice. Find out what you would be entitled to from him if you are main carer and he does EOW type arrangement. Is there any possibility of spousal maintenance. Is there enough money to keep the house and fund a flat. etc. You need a good divorce lawyer - MN can often make recommendations if you namechange and say where you are.

DomPom47 · 20/08/2021 12:10

If he really still loves you and loves the kids he should leave you at the house with the kids so they have stability and wait until you are on a position to move somewhere else or when you are realistically able to buy him out. Sit down and talk about everything you have done for the kid’s as sole carer etc. Good luck.

Original poster

LouLou198 · 20/08/2021 12:12

I don't think there is anyone else, but now I'm doubting myself. Since lockdown has eased he has started seeing some friends he hasn't seen for years. It seems to have changed him. It's almost spending time with people he did when his was young has reminded him what it was like to be young free and single, and obviously the grass seems greener.

OP posts:

BeaBeaBuzz · 20/08/2021 12:13

Don’t limit yourself to your town, lots of companies are happy to recruit people to work remotely from home right now

ineedaholidaynow · 20/08/2021 12:13

How would he cope with 50:50 custody if he hasn’t had to worry about childcare before now?

If he does want that, then that may help with you increasing your hours.

You may get more than 50% in assets. 50% is usually the starting point but if you are the primary carer that may change

CoasterCoaster · 20/08/2021 12:13

Best advice I can give you is get legal advice before you start panicking, things may not be anywhere near as bad as you think. Don't assume anything and don't blindly believe anything he tells you regarding the financial/legal position without checking it yourself. Agree with Rainbowqueeen, remember he is not your friend and act accordingly, protect yourself

LadyDanburysHat · 20/08/2021 12:14

It seems like a disaster because your whole world has come crashing down. But you can move on from this.

First, Mr money bags will have to pay child maintenance. If he has a big job can he really commit to having the DC 50% of the time.

Also fwiw my career started at 40, and you do have the background of a better job, so it is possible.

Hopefully you will be able to keep the house, either buying him out or until the DC are 18 and it is sold.

Eviebeans · 20/08/2021 12:25

I found myself in a similar situation at 38. My career started then and a better/different life although I did not initially think yhat.
If you working more creates childcare issues they are equally his issues not just yours.
Seek legal advice straight away. Don't wait to see if he changes his mind etc.
Do not trust anything he says unless it is in writing from his solicitor (and not always even then).
Although the temptation is yo try to hold on to the family home that is not always possible or best for you.

Original poster

LouLou198 · 20/08/2021 12:26

Some great advice here, thank you. Hadn't thought about keeping the house until dc are 18. That would probably be my best option, wouldn't need a house once they had left home, could look for a flat then and give him his share.

OP posts:

Getawaywithit · 20/08/2021 12:27

I have checked online and I aren't entitled to any benefits apart from child benefit which we already receive

Did you put in your wage only? Or both wages?

Kithic · 20/08/2021 12:27

@LouLou198

Child care issues are as much his issue as yours

Retrievemysanity · 20/08/2021 12:31

Don’t panic. Talk to friends and see if someone can recommend a good family lawyer. This happened to a friend of mine and her lawyer managed to negotiate an 80/20 house split in her favour. Her DH was arrogant and didn’t get legal advice. He’s since had a stroke (only in his 40’s) and the critical illness cover has paid off the mortgage. She now has the option to go for more child maintenance as he’s not paying the mortgage. The law is there to protect people in your situation. Good luck.

Debetswell · 20/08/2021 12:31

Sounds like the Script to me.
Definitely another woman.
He'll be telling you he needs space next.
After that he'll list all your faults and rewrite your marital history.
So predictable.
I would concentrate on getting your finances sorted and make sure he pays for half of any childcare and looks after his own dc.

Sakurami · 20/08/2021 12:32

Hey op. Lots of us have been in this situation , but in a way I don't see it as a sacrifice as I got to see my kids growing up and they are who they are because of my nurturing. I was older than you when I restarted and I am now very happy in a job that I love , with good hours and a good income.

It took a while to rebuild and I had to take some courses but I got there.

However, you now have to completely change your mindset about what you do. You no longer have to facilitate his life so he has to do 50% of everything. Look at splitting custody and you will be able to find and do a job a lot more easily when everything else isn't your sole responsibility. My ex was so used to me doing everything that he genuinely thought he would be able to just have them whenever he was free. I had to be super strict and now it works.

So he/you have to decide whether he pays for you to look after the kids more or he has them half the time. Don't bend to his favour and if it is incompatible with his career then he will have choices to make, just like you did.

Apeirogon · 20/08/2021 12:33

OP I changed career at age 40 after several years as a SAHM, you can do it!

Get a lawyer and make sure you get your fair share of the assets (don't forget his pension) and that he commits to seeing the DC regularly (that will help with the childcare issues too).

Unfortunately I agree with others that there may be another woman involved in this.

bigbaggyeyes · 20/08/2021 12:38

Speak to a solicitor, being married gives you some security around fiancé's, you should get a larger portion of the house and pensions due to you having the dc and giving up a career. You've also got child maint which he'll have to pay

Breath, it will be fine.

Howshouldibehave · 20/08/2021 12:39

What sort of salary is he/you on?

The friends I have had whose cheating shitbag husbands have left within the last few years, have had to sell the house as they couldn’t afford to pay the mortgage on their own salary and the H couldn’t afford to pay the mortgage plus housing costs for themselves.

If you sold, is there enough equity for you to get a deposit on a flat?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5