Sacrificed my career now dh wants to leave

[LouLou198]

It's been a very difficult week. DH has unexpectedly announced he "still loved me but not in love with me" and wants to leave. I had a well paid job before dc, gave it up when I had dc 1. Took up another job part time, same field but much less responsibility and considerably reduced salary. That was 10 years ago, we now have 2 dc. He has climbed the career ladder, now in a senior management post, helped by the fact he has had no childcare commitments. Everything around dc has always been my responsibility. I'm now 40, facing losing my home, potentially my dc half the week and I am terrified. So mad I have left myself in such a vulnerable financial position. I have checked online and I aren't entitled to any benefits apart from child benefit which we already receive. Any advice would be appreciated, I have no idea what to do next. I really want to sort out the relationship but it isn't looking likely and dh has refused to attend marriage counselling.

Seeing this thread has moved onto the age of the kids- I have seen on here women get financial settlement orders that agree that their ex pays maintenance until the dc finish full time education ie uni so ask your solicitor about that.

Best of luck, please feel free to keep posting for support

My financial order provides that my ex will pay maintenance until they finish their first degree. Including a gap year too

(I did have a Shit Hot Lawyer).

Hi OP. Its going to be a tough year but you will be fine.

Do not agree to anything ever without discussing it with a lawyer or friends or family. If you are still thinking like childcare is your problem-you risk agreeing to unfair things. Take your time until your mindset adjusts.

Also make sure you are both on the same pages as to what 50/50 means. It means an equal split of fun weekend times, of school drop offs and pick ups, of clubs and play dates. One person does not get to be captain fun and the other captain vegetables. Thats not shared care. With a big career he is going to find it really hard to do this practically. And reality will hit fast.

Also this big talk about asset splitting etc is in relation to divorce. You can choose as a couple not to divorce for years if you want to delay big decisions like that. Or you can do a divorce immediately. But if doesn't have to be so.

Helen you know that he can get that overturned by going to the CSA and asking them to take over maintenance arrangements if his circumstances changes. Happened to a friend of mine. She had an agreement for child maintenance and spousal sorted thrthe courts, then 4 years in his financial circumstances changed and he got the spousal stopped through a court variation and applied to the CSA for an assessment.

But presumably if his financial circumstances changed, he could no longer afford to follow the court arrangements, which seems fair enough if genuine. You can't have what he hasn't got.

That's true and should be taken into account when planning out the future. Its important to understand that court arrangements can be changed so think about how you would cope rather than thinking its set in stone.

People can go on to have more kids get sick, be made redundant and all sorts. It's not a given that the arrangements will stand all the way upto when kids are 18 even though you've got a piece of paper to say so.

@GullyGull

Helen you know that he can get that overturned by going to the CSA and asking them to take over maintenance arrangements if his circumstances changes. Happened to a friend of mine. She had an agreement for child maintenance and spousal sorted thrthe courts, then 4 years in his financial circumstances changed and he got the spousal stopped through a court variation and applied to the CSA for an assessment.

Hi, yes I know that. And he's done all the threatening to leave his job/go self employed stuff too. And then just chooses not to pay as well every so often. So it's not at all watertight. He's a high earner, he just resents paying me (he forgets it's for his children) any money.

[quote LouLou198]@JRKismyhero thank you. It's been a long week! Some excellent advice, thank you everyone, going to spend some time going through it, and will speak with work about potentially increasing my hours on Monday. I've been so used to sorting all the childcare myself it hadn't occurred to me that this should be half his problem to sort out. [/quote]
Yes exactly - he is taking on now half of everything.

I would speak to a solicitor and your work and then remember that financial assets are split as well.

I think it will be just as much him that is in for a shock as to what this means for him

I have no advice. But I do have something that might give you hope.
My BF went through divorce at 40 with a baby and zero support. The last ten years she made director of a charity from literally starting at the bottom and has now changed to being a TA. Her child is fab. They have a roof over their heads in a lovely part of the world, food and etc and lots of love. It’s not been easy, but she’s in a better place than she was when married to the waste-of-space her ex is.

Hi @HelenHywater I’m just wondering how you got this deal? I’m a high earner. Have 2 young children. Happy now with low earned husband, but aware relationships can go south. I really do worry about being in this position. I’ve sacrificed and worked so hard for my career and pension. My husband has not, doesn’t even have a pension.

Why should he get my money if we divorce. Are there specific circumstances where this would happen?

This really does concern me and I wish someone had warned me about this when I married.

Why should someone who’s done well for themselves be penalised because the other doesn’t earn as much. Seems really unfair to me.

@Bluebellsinparadise who does the bulk ot childcare?

Should say I pay for all the childcare. Both children in wraparound care. Husband does all drop offs, we share pick ups. He cooks.

@JulesCobb see above. He does what I call topping and tailing (pre school/ post after school club). He has never done a full day of childcare!

I really worry about this. Especially the pension situation. My male friend got 2/3 of house sale (wife also high earner) again, doesn’t really do a lot of childcare, works in supermarket. He got half of her pension. I was shocked!! Call me naive.

@Bluebellsinparadise, that’s a difficult one. Could your DH earn more?

I gave up my career as we have two children with Sen. They cannot go into childcare as they wouldn’t cope. I’ve only just found a part time job which fits with the kids so I do all the childcare and manage stuff at home and work so I earn massively less than my DH. He’s done well for himself because he’s only ever had to think about his career. He has never once been called by school to pick up the child having a meltdown the staff couldn’t manage.

@Okaygreatthanks

Well start with ‘I will need to be refocusing on my career obviously, so I will need you to be primary carer of kids. If I do every other weekend and have them for tea on a weds is that okay? I will be paying you csa from my wages which will be 10p a month. But sure with your muckety muck wages you’ll be grand! PS speaking of which I have a list of our assets and I will need half your pension and savings thanks love you still as a dear friend bye.

This

Sorry to derail your thread OP, it sounds like you have a very unequal relationship and you should definitely make him responsible for half of the childcare / purchasing of children’s things etc.

@Fadingout see this is the thing... at work during Covid I was pulling my hair out looking after/ homeschooling kids and working in shifts with DH trying to sustain my performance as senior exec. Meanwhile all my male colleagues were locked away in their home office all day, while wife brings lunch and kids kept away.

That’s not equality is it?! Pissed me right off!

My DH does a job he loves, the industry is not well paid and it is freelance. I really don’t mind as I want him to be happy and he doesn’t really spend much anyway. But I would not be happy if I had to pay him maintenance should we divorce!!

I agree @Okaygreatthanks has got it spot on! High earning women I know don’t shirk their family responsibilities... so men have no excuse either.

Lawyer up straight away. Don't delay and don't agree to anything. Get real legal advice.

Also agree with pp saying you need to change your mindset about who is primarily repsonsible for your children. It's a 50/50 split. As pp says, this is 50% of weekdays as well as weekends. Presumably he will have to think about changing jobs, changing hours or hiring childcare to cover his 50%.

You will be fine.

Men like this talk about wanting 50/50 care but rarely follow through because it will mean taking on work they have no idea how to do.

Get a good lawyer, believe in yourself because you can do this and take one day at a time.

Sorry this has happened to you. All the best for moving forward. You say you're in a vulnerable position but you are married so you're in a better situation than some posters on here as that'll likely entitle you to half the assets.

@Bluebellsinparadise - I was in your position, much higher earner with 2 kids. We had a full time nanny. My ex probably did a little more childcare but was more or less equal. He earned much less though and had much less assets. Luckily though we weren’t married so when we broke up I got to keep my house and pension.

It’s so true that high earning women usually don’t shirk their childcare responsibilities the way high earning men often (but of course not always) do.

@Bluebellsinparadise

This really does concern me and I wish someone had warned me about this when I married

With respect, you will be a smart woman If you are a high earner. You must have known that marriage was a legal contact with financial implications . An hour on Google would have told you this.

Also as a high earner you have money to pay for a solicitor . Surely you didn’t spend eg £10k on a wedding but grudge £1k on legal advice?

Why should someone who’s done well for themselves be penalised because the other doesn’t earn as much. Seems really unfair to me.

Really? At no point did it occur to you that getting married was more than a fancy dress and a big party?

I am a low earner comparatively compared to DH, partly my sector but partly because I have been a trailing spouse on several occasions.
I have been very clear with DH that should we ever split up I would be seeking half of his pension in the settlement.

Marriage is a permanent financial commitment to pool your assets.

Can I suggest that this conversation is taken elsewhere, and people return to supporting the OP in this thread?!