Sacrificed my career now dh wants to leave

[LouLou198]

It's been a very difficult week. DH has unexpectedly announced he "still loved me but not in love with me" and wants to leave. I had a well paid job before dc, gave it up when I had dc 1. Took up another job part time, same field but much less responsibility and considerably reduced salary. That was 10 years ago, we now have 2 dc. He has climbed the career ladder, now in a senior management post, helped by the fact he has had no childcare commitments. Everything around dc has always been my responsibility. I'm now 40, facing losing my home, potentially my dc half the week and I am terrified. So mad I have left myself in such a vulnerable financial position. I have checked online and I aren't entitled to any benefits apart from child benefit which we already receive. Any advice would be appreciated, I have no idea what to do next. I really want to sort out the relationship but it isn't looking likely and dh has refused to attend marriage counselling.

Don't trade equity for a share of the pension . He will need to get a CETV of his pension and that can take a while - a couple of months sometimes . It is highly unlikely you will get spousal however and will be expected to work . Legally you are protected .

Ah, this old chestnut. You sacrificed your career to raise the kids and now he’s bored and has found someone else and has wheeled out the ‘love but not in love’ with you anymore like the revolving door cliche it is. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this - please line up those ducks with a solicitor ASAP because as soon as he realises he isn’t going to be able to waltz off into the sunset without childcare and maintenance considerations he will start to get nasty. Soon it will be your fault your gave up your financial independence and ‘changed’ when you had kids or whatever’s next on the list.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. It’s an incredible shock to be told that your marriage is over. You’re automatically on the back foot. You want to fix things while he’s already planning his new life. You need to focus on you and your DC - that’s your family unit now.

Make sure you have access to funds to pay for a solicitor (a family law one) and other things you may want or need. If you have a joint account or joint savings account you can move at least half the money across into your personal account. Take screenshots of before and after balances for your records. He might stay in the home but he might move out and be spending ££££ on rent and a deposit and furnishing a new place. Your savings might vanish and it’s much easier to ring fence your share now than try to get back what’s been spent. Do you have a car in your name if you need to drive to work? Have you got the money for wrap around childcare if you need it?

I would try to accept that there’s probably another woman around. Whether it’s an affair partner or someone he just has his eye on and has yet to approach. If it turns out there wasn’t, great, but if you keep it in mind it’s easier to face the fact that the marriage is really over and that what’s in his best interest isn’t necessarily in yours now.

Unless he is earning an absolute bomb I doubt maintenance from him will make up the short fall in your earnings.
You can crunch the numbers in the CMS calculator.

See how the numbers play out. You might find that you are better of with 50/50 care and no maintenance. Especially if you will be lumbered with the childcare bills!

Also if there is another woman waiting in the wings his wings will be severely clipped if he has the kids 1/2 the week.

He is ending things as they stand everything needs to be rehashed.

Can you go out this weekend. Leave him with he DC and get some space .

You need to find a shit hot lawyerfast. Get copies of every bank account savings etc, any money you know he has, details of pensions etc

If he is going for 50/50 custody then he is in for a shock with vildcare, less than the pay he has to pay maintenance

I would avoid staying in the house now, paying the mortgage for years and then having to start buying from scratch again on my own when the kids were adults. I think selling the house and dividing the equity now would probably be a cleaner break. It’s likely that your ex will need to get himself a mortgage so need money from the sale in order to do that.

Get good representation and get the best settlement you can.

I'm just here to mention that the "still loves me but not in love with me" is such classic affair speak there's even an abbreviation for it. Google ILYBINILWY.

Lots of good advice on this thread.

Staying in the house until the kids are 18 (you might be able to negotiate 21/left Uni) is very likely

Is this a joke post? Unless he’s willing to forego his half of the equity for the next twelve years and she can afford the mortgage then it’s the opposite it’s highly unlikely.

Again why do people make this stuff up and post it?

What was your career before you went part time? Lots of firms have Returners programmes, primarily for women, but for all those returning to a career or full time post.

I agree that they won't look suitable for childcare, but it's important to get your career back on track and your exDH will have to step up on that count

@Bluntness100

Staying in the house until the kids are 18 (you might be able to negotiate 21/left Uni) is very likely

Is this a joke post? Unless he’s willing to forego his half of the equity for the next twelve years and she can afford the mortgage then it’s the opposite it’s highly unlikely.

Again why do people make this stuff up and post it?

I agree He also has a right to be housed and so can probably force a sale. CMS is also capped and whilst it can be exceeded that isn’t automatic

@MadeForThis

Assets won't be split 50:50 as there are kids and you are in a weaker financial position.

The equity in the house, pensions, savings, investments all will be divided based on need.

He will have to pay maintenance. Much easier if he is PAYE.

Staying in the family home may not be possible, it will depend on many things.

Get evidence of his salary and pensions and speak to a lawyer ASAP.

That isn’t necessarily true.

Get a shit hot solicitor.

If the kids are small you'll get plenty to keep you going. Hopefully by the time they leave home your career will be fabulous again.

@Bluntness100

Staying in the house until the kids are 18 (you might be able to negotiate 21/left Uni) is very likely

Is this a joke post? Unless he’s willing to forego his half of the equity for the next twelve years and she can afford the mortgage then it’s the opposite it’s highly unlikely.

Again why do people make this stuff up and post it?

It's not impossible, and if it's court ordered, his consent isn't relevant. It's just an imperfect solution, as it ties a divorced couple, financially, so Judges are not keen unless there isn't a better way to ensure the children are decently housed during their minority.

But the Mesher Order does exist, so the PPs aren't making it up.

Get a full time job ASAP.
Any child care issues this causes are his to sort. (Good practice for when he has the children by himself.)
Don't cling to keeping the house.
Get a lawyer ASAP.
Be prepared for him to couple back up with another woman super quick.

So so sorry this is happening to you - sounds like the script.

I think a lot of the problem in terms of MN ideas about the law is that divorces used to work on the basis that women spent several years at home and would be primary carers, going forward, with poor career prospects. So financial orders often reflected that. But society has moved on, women are far more likely to work after kids arrive and fathers to have more care after any split, so the settlements have also altered to reflect that. And people are thinking of the divorces they knew about 15/20 years ago, and don't realise how huge a time that is, in terms of the law changing. So they repeat advice that has been handed down on MN since it started, and is now really, really out of date in most cases.

OP, you really, really need to see an excellent lawyer, who can level with you on what your unique situation may result in, financially speaking. Even a good lawyer couldn't advise on MN-level facts - you need someone really, really good who has all the facts/documentation.

You need to get a good solucitor. If you can prove you have sacrificed your career and taken a demotion once you had kids you should be entitled to spousal support for a number of years.
My friend got it as she gave up her job to be a sahp. She got it for 5 years. Enough time to get her career back on track.
Is your husband an employee and paid a salary. That will help.

What was your career, OP and do you work again now?

Ah op I am so sorry this is happening to you. I can see you've had some really good advice, I just wanted to send you some love x

I’ve always been interested how people get hold of paperwork. Everything for us is online. I could probably try and find stuff for my husband’s pensions but it would be tricky to get hold of his payslips without him asking why.

You need a really good lawyer to find out what you are entitled to.

I would also be very cold with him and just deal in logistics. So 50 50 with the children then? (I know you dont want this but I bet it will scare him because he thinks he can swan off and be single). I'd ask him to leave now so things can be sorted out quickly. Tell him you've applied for full time jobs so he needs to cover childcare or pay for it.

I'm so sorry.

@Fadingout

I’ve always been interested how people get hold of paperwork. Everything for us is online. I could probably try and find stuff for my husband’s pensions but it would be tricky to get hold of his payslips without him asking why.

Yep, few people get hard-copy payslips - even P60s and such you don't really need to print out these days. I suppose if you have joint accounts you would see what he gets paid if he has it paid in directly.

Despite what the courts seem to think, nothing magical happens to your children on their 18th birthday. They don’t all move out the next day and become completely self supporting.

Most 18 yo I know stay at home with their parents, they are in 6th form / college / at uni some of the time / doing an apprenticeship.

It’s only on MN that 18 years olds have a well paid job and their own house with a mortgage , a partner and a car.

If you agree to sell your house at 18, where will your two kids live?

If you agree to sell your house at 18, where will your two kids live?

Well presumably, were they to agree to this arrangement, OP would plan to be in a position to buy him out or buy on her own at that stage? She wouldn't just sit there static until the clock runs out.

@JRKismyhero thank you. It's been a long week! Some excellent advice, thank you everyone, going to spend some time going through it, and will speak with work about potentially increasing my hours on Monday. I've been so used to sorting all the childcare myself it hadn't occurred to me that this should be half his problem to sort out.