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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sacrificed my career now dh wants to leave

121 replies

LouLou198 · 20/08/2021 11:47

It's been a very difficult week. DH has unexpectedly announced he "still loved me but not in love with me" and wants to leave. I had a well paid job before dc, gave it up when I had dc 1. Took up another job part time, same field but much less responsibility and considerably reduced salary. That was 10 years ago, we now have 2 dc. He has climbed the career ladder, now in a senior management post, helped by the fact he has had no childcare commitments. Everything around dc has always been my responsibility. I'm now 40, facing losing my home, potentially my dc half the week and I am terrified. So mad I have left myself in such a vulnerable financial position. I have checked online and I aren't entitled to any benefits apart from child benefit which we already receive. Any advice would be appreciated, I have no idea what to do next. I really want to sort out the relationship but it isn't looking likely and dh has refused to attend marriage counselling.

OP posts:

spicetime · 21/08/2021 04:21

Sorry it was meant to be supportive of OP.
She has every right legal and moral to make a claim on her STBEX DH's pension.

Nat6999 · 21/08/2021 04:57

Get a lawyer & don't agree to anything until you have spoken to them. If he has a big job he will have a big pension & you could negotiate a bigger chunk of the house if he keeps his pension. Don't agree to 50:50, he will use that to pay less child maintenance, you need as much child maintenance as you can to keep you & dc in your home & to maintain their life to as near normal as you can. Do some detective work, find payslips, bank statements etc, make sure he hasn't cleared out any joint accounts, open your own account if you haven't already got one, you are entitled to 50% of the joint account money. Put a claim in to CMS straight away before he has chance to start reducing his declared income. Claim single council tax reduction & claim child benefit if your income is low enough. Make sure you have yours & dc birth certificates & passports & a copy of your marriage certificate.

BrozTito · 21/08/2021 05:39

Im really fascinated by that stupid fucking phrase ilybinilwy. Why do people still use it?what does it even mean?why do people hear it still think 'brilliant im using that?'

timeisnotaline · 21/08/2021 05:45

I’m going to increase my work hours of course so Tuesday and Wednesday you will need to arrange childcare or look after the dc.

Speak to a lawyer- you’re entitled to your share of his pension which might help keep the house. This will all cost him more than he thinks, if he thinks he can walk off with his pension and income and half the house and leave you holding the children.

Undertheoldlindentree · 21/08/2021 05:56

Act fast. Before the guilt wears off. If there's another woman involved, she'll likely become invested in the financial side and you can end up battling two people instead of one.

Notimefor · 21/08/2021 06:42

Lots of amazing advice on .. I hope your ok, you will get through this. Xx

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 21/08/2021 07:04

@LouLou198

Dc are 11 and 6. I am currently looking at trying to increase my hours but it will cause childcare issues. Just can't believe this is happening to me. I'm not sure if I could keep the house, I don't think I would be able to remortgage to buy him out.

If he has a large pension you could potentially take your share of assets prominently from house equity while he retains his pension. If the pensions large enough you might not need to remortgage.

lannistunut · 21/08/2021 07:17

See a solicitor straight away, preferably one that specialises in explaining to men that they have to share their income and do half the childcare.

Really sorry this is happening to you

Whydidimarryhim · 21/08/2021 07:25

Yes see a good solicitor - your friends may know one.
I was able to buy my ex out. I work part time - the mortgage broker was able to add in my maintenance into mortgage calculation.
You could go to interest only too if you can buy him out - you have choices. Yes you can rent - where I am it £1000 per month to rent - that wasn’t an option.
It also depends if you can’t buy him out - it’s not set in stone but I was told I would likely be able to stay here till my son was 18.
Although I had an abusive ex - he didn’t want his son to move and wanted to support him.
Hopefully - yours wants the BEST for his children and for them to have stability.
You need all finances on the table.
Depending on the value of the pension you can negotiate what you want.
Have you monies in joint accounts - I’d move them.
Start gathering all evidence you can re finances.
Yes he’s likely to have someone waiting in the wings.
I’m sorry. I hope you have some good family support.

OrchestraOfWankery · 21/08/2021 07:31

It sounds to me like you've been positioned as his housekeeper/nanny. You are not. You are his wife and entitled to an equal life and good share of his finances.

I also agree the ILYB speech means he has someone else lined up. At least it won't come as a shock now.

He doesn't get to swan off carefree into his new life. I'd shock him with the 50/50 scenario.

Livandme · 21/08/2021 07:33

Just came on to say, don't do what I did. Rely on ex when he is useless.
Let me and dc down for school pick ups, not helping out when I had interviews, answering phone / messages about welfare.
I felt like it was all my responsibility and that is not fair at all. He got on with his life and had time to meet someone, whereas I was stuck in same home going nowhere.
Still trying to negotiate my way out of the situation.
Go hard at him from the get go. Good luck

Zeev · 21/08/2021 10:21

I am a low earner comparatively compared to DH, partly my sector but partly because I have been a trailing spouse on several occasions.
I have been very clear with DH that should we ever split up I would be seeking half of his pension in the settlement

Exactly. I was a trailing spouse for 15 years, during which we changed countries for DH's career four times. In two of those countries I didn't even have a full work permit, plus I had these things called babies. At what point could I have kept my earning potential?

MrsMaizel · 21/08/2021 11:32

If he has a large pension you could potentially take your share of assets prominently from house equity while he retains his pension. If the pensions large enough you might not need to remortgage

Never take equity instead of a pension pot . There's a thread on here currently talking about how do you live on a state pension . It's grim .

Original poster

LouLou198 · 21/08/2021 13:27

@OrchestraOfWankery

It sounds to me like you've been positioned as his housekeeper/nanny. You are not. You are his wife and entitled to an equal life and good share of his finances.

I also agree the ILYB speech means he has someone else lined up. At least it won't come as a shock now.

He doesn't get to swan off carefree into his new life. I'd shock him with the 50/50 scenario.

Exactly this. I am housekeeper/nanny. It always has been. He wants 50:50 custody of dc but seemed quiet surprised that on his days he would be expected to get dc up dressed and into childcare by 7:15am so he wasn't late for work.

OP posts:

Howshouldibehave · 21/08/2021 13:30

He wants 50:50 custody of dc but seemed quiet surprised that on his days he would be expected to get dc up dressed and into childcare by 7:15am so he wasn't late for work.

I would imagine there’s quite a lot that he’ll be surprised by! What time does he finish work and what time does childcare finish?

Billybagpuss · 21/08/2021 13:50

He wants 50:50 custody of dc but seemed quiet surprised that on his days he would be expected to get dc up dressed and into childcare by 7:15am so he wasn't late for work

This did make me chuckle, he doesn’t exactly sound like he’s been a hands on dad he’s going to have a huge shock.

You said up thread you could increase your hours but it may cause childcare issues. ‘D’h will have to start pulling his weight, they will be surmountable. Dc 11 will be fine, is he starting secondary this year? He should be able to get himself ready and n the bus so it’s just the 6yo to sort out logistics for.

It’s good you’ve stayed in the same industry as you’ve kept your hand in and kept yourself updated.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 21/08/2021 14:23

He wants 50:50 custody of dc but seemed quiet surprised that on his days he would be expected to get dc up dressed and into childcare by 7:15am so he wasn't late for work.

How can people be so fucking stupid! God, proof of how invisible the day to day routine bits of parenting are to those who opt out and force their partner to be default parent.

bigbaggyeyes · 22/08/2021 09:30

My ex announced he wanted the dc 50/50, so I simply said that's a great idea as it means I can increase my hours at work and it'll give me chance to catch up with friends, go to the gym and pick up my hobbies again. Funnily enough he soon changed his mind when he realised this, and what 50/50 actually entailed. He sees them eow.

See a solicitor OP, you will then have a much better idea of what your future holds financially and what to expect.

I read on another thread recently and in situations similar to yours it simply said 'be selfish in your decisions' I think that's brilliant advice and something you should keep in mind at all times when dealing with your stbx

Sakurami · 22/08/2021 13:13

Yes be selfish in your decisions. Sometimes they do step up. My ex wanted 50/50 even though he hadn't looked after them.befire and I agreed thinking that he wouldn't last. But he has. Not brilliantly to begin with but it works. And it allows me to concentrate on my work and hobbies and then when I have them on them. Also allows me to go away with my boyfriend without having to worry about childcare.

So all good. But be selfish and don't facilitate his life when he has them (which is really hard to do when you've been used to doing it. I had a friend keep telling me not to do it and have form boundaries and I thank her for it).

SandyY2K · 22/08/2021 13:20

He wants 50:50 custody of dc but seemed quiet surprised that on his days he would be expected to get dc up dressed and into childcare by 7:15am so he wasn't late for work.

Who is he expecting to get them up and ready? The fairy godmother.

You'll be living separately...or did that point escape him.

Whydidimarryhim · 22/08/2021 18:28

These morons need it spelling out for them!!!

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