Sacrificed my career now dh wants to leave

[LouLou198]

It's been a very difficult week. DH has unexpectedly announced he "still loved me but not in love with me" and wants to leave. I had a well paid job before dc, gave it up when I had dc 1. Took up another job part time, same field but much less responsibility and considerably reduced salary. That was 10 years ago, we now have 2 dc. He has climbed the career ladder, now in a senior management post, helped by the fact he has had no childcare commitments. Everything around dc has always been my responsibility. I'm now 40, facing losing my home, potentially my dc half the week and I am terrified. So mad I have left myself in such a vulnerable financial position. I have checked online and I aren't entitled to any benefits apart from child benefit which we already receive. Any advice would be appreciated, I have no idea what to do next. I really want to sort out the relationship but it isn't looking likely and dh has refused to attend marriage counselling.

If I can find more hours I may be able to pay the mortgage, it will be tight, but not impossible. We are in quite a small house already so we can't really downsize without moving into a flat, something I wouldn't really want to do with dc at home if I can avoid it. Thank you for all your positive stories, exactly what I needed to read today.

I wouldn't get too attached to the idea of staying in the home until the kids are 18. He will need to be rehoused as well so may not agree to it and may not be able to move on to buy another property if he's still on the mortgage. Courts like a clean break these days.

Just want to temper expectations as that is thrown around a lot on here and isn't always the case.

@LouLou198

If I can find more hours I may be able to pay the mortgage, it will be tight, but not impossible. We are in quite a small house already so we can't really downsize without moving into a flat, something I wouldn't really want to do with dc at home if I can avoid it. Thank you for all your positive stories, exactly what I needed to read today.

He might push for the house to be sold to release his share of the equity. I would see a solicitor ASAP.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Find the best solicitor that you can, and make it clear to him that he can walk away from your relationship but not his responsibilities.

There is nearly always another woman waiting in the wings. Men don't leave comfy convenient lives for no reason.

Agree with the poster who said this feels like a disaster but it's not catastrophic. It is a big change but you can and will get through.

99%sure he's got someone else. Men rarely leave unless they have someone to go to.

I'd not think about staying in the family home. Get it sold so neither of you are in it.

Start a fresh. 40 is definitely young enough to start again.

Don’t worry if you have to rent - so many panic on here about it but it really isn’t the end of the world- — make sure you get everything you are due financially,

Ps I speak from experience on the family home. Don't let him buy you out.

You're still young, already have a foot in the door.
I'd suggest that he shares 50/50 custody.
You can do this.

Echoing others don't leave the family home, with his maintenance payments you can do it.

I stayed in the house until the youngest was 18, then exh moved in and I moved out. Worked out well if you can get him to agree to that.

If he is after someone else and you become aware of that, then he might be more willing to move out himself...
The abruptness of the change, "love you but" and unwillingness to do counselling do sound like he could at least have someone in mind.

I did a post grad after my marriage broke down at 43. Took 2 years and i restarted my career. I now have a very well paid job after 10 years of no work and love being independent. You will find your new path. Small steps but keep moving forward and you will be amazed at what you can achieve

Please go and see a solicitor as soon as you can. They will advise you on your rights as far as maintenance and the house are concerned.

While he might be being amicable now, assume that he won't last like this for long. If you know he has savings or investments or a pension, collect evidence of this.

You need to be cool and business like about this now at least as far as the financial side is concerned. Don't assume he will make it easy for you.

Then when you have advice and know your rights, you'll be able to think about your future and your career. Don't worry, you're only 40! I don't know what your career was, but I think many professions do have ways back in for people like you.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It will be ok.

@DomPom47

If he really still loves you and loves the kids he should leave you at the house with the kids so they have stability and wait until you are on a position to move somewhere else or when you are realistically able to buy him out. Sit down and talk about everything you have done for the kid’s as sole carer etc. Good luck.

If he really loved her he’d not be leaving her, never mind giving her a free house for the next 12 years,

Honestly posts like this annoy me. Someone’s splitting up and needs help snd someone says well if he loves you he will house you for the next 18 years. Yes becayse that’s likely to happen.

OP you will look back in a while and be so so proud of yourself. Now you're probably thinking you'll crumble. You won't. You will emerge strong, happy and proud of yourself.

Courts really favour clean breaks these days. Many on MN are privileged and own their homes but many of us don't. Renting isn't something to be ashamed of if that's what you have to do.

Look at other jobs and careers too don't just think more hours is your only option. Push for what you want finance wise and childcare wise. In my experience men like this don't want 50/50. If yours does then make it work for you.

Whilst it is always possible he has someone else lined up, don't forget that he has had plenty of time to think about this and prepare himself which is likely a factor when he refuses counselling. You haven't had that time to process it so ensure he is aware that you will do that in your own time and sort things out at your pace.

Have you looked into child maintainance OP?
Try the online calculator I would call CMS ASAP.

Realistally how much help do you think you will get from your DH if he has a high job?

I would base your plans as though there's just you juggling childcare

If he really still loves you and loves the kids he should leave you at the house with the kids

He’s leaving her, I can’t imagine she will be his priority now! Certainly not at the expense of his own housing situation.

I would assume the house has to be sold, unless he is a massively huge earner and can afford to buy himself another house without needing any money from the family home.

Have you got the paperwork together, make sure you’ve got copies of all bank accounts. Savings, mortgage and very importantly, DH pension by sacrificing your career you’ve enabled him to build that, you are entitled to your share.

Such great advice here.

You need to play detective and look for paperwork on all matrimonial assets. The biggest one is probably his pension, which might be worth several times more than the equity in the house.

Get all your paperwork together and see a solicitor. Don’t agree anything with your husband until you have done so.

I’m 99.5% sure that he WONT have the kids 50:50 and therefore he will have to pay child maintenance. If you know his salary , there’s an easy calculator online. Once you apply to the CMS it’s all done for you, he doesn’t have to provide any information, they work from his tax return. You will both get a letter saying how much he has to pay you.

The system works well for kids whose father has salary ( as opposed to self employed / cash in hand / own company / commission or bonus based ).

Please take copies of all financial statements - accounts, savings, his pensions, share holdings, options etc. You need to go to a good divorce lawyer and ensure you and the DC are fully protected as far as possible. His career advancement has been helped by you - you need to claim for that. Good luck and sorry you're in this situation.

@Okaygreatthanks

Well start with ‘I will need to be refocusing on my career obviously, so I will need you to be primary carer of kids. If I do every other weekend and have them for tea on a weds is that okay? I will be paying you csa from my wages which will be 10p a month. But sure with your muckety muck wages you’ll be grand! PS speaking of which I have a list of our assets and I will need half your pension and savings thanks love you still as a dear friend bye.

This is the perfect response.

You can also ask him if the other woman would like to help too.

Because there will be another woman eventually.

My dsis was in this position, only she had given up her career totally to raise their 4 kids. His career in the forces rocketed upwards, he literally couldn't have had his very successful career without her facilitating it.

She did very nicely out of the divorce - including his pension.

Assets won't be split 50:50 as there are kids and you are in a weaker financial position.

The equity in the house, pensions, savings, investments all will be divided based on need.

He will have to pay maintenance. Much easier if he is PAYE.

Staying in the family home may not be possible, it will depend on many things.

Get evidence of his salary and pensions and speak to a lawyer ASAP.

Public sector / civil service jobs are good for this situation. A lot of flexibility on hours, termtime / compressed hours and WFH. He won’t want kids 50:50 with that sort of job. Be wary about keeping house and paying him later as it may mean you don’t have enough equity to buy down the line. Financially it is better to have your own mortgage and then any new equity is 100% yours. it can help to move near family who can help with childcare and emotional support for you. make sure when he does have kids he is responsible for childcare costs - too many women do the before or after school shift. When he has them he collects from school and drops at school or pays for childcare as otherwise you end up earning less and paying out more. It also means you could work longer hours on his days and need less childcare on your days. If you can agree things in short term you can wait to divorce sometimes it helps to wait and see whether he sticks to arrangements. You will get council tax reduction. Also cancel any subscriptions you don’t need, do a moneysavingexpert finance check of all your bills etc. Get a separate bank account and start getting child benefit and wages paid into that. Reach out to family and friends. Sometimes you can do childcare swaps with other parents in similar situation.

@LouLou198

Some great advice here, thank you. Hadn't thought about keeping the house until dc are 18. That would probably be my best option, wouldn't need a house once they had left home, could look for a flat then and give him his share.

Definitely agree with everyone who is telling you to get legal advice - things won't be as bad financially as you fear. Staying in the house until the kids are 18 (you might be able to negotiate 21/left Uni) is very likely. You can even get some mortgage companies who will give you a mortgage taking into account spousal maintenance - usually providing you have a Court Order in place and the maintenance has been paid consistently for 12 months beforehand. A good mortgage broker (I'd recommend London & Country, I've used them many times and they've always been brilliant) can tell you which mortgage providers would lend to you.

Also agree with someone else who said don't make any agreements or promises or even suggestions about what you'll do until you've got legal advice. You say above that you could buy a flat when the kids are 18 with your share of the house sale proceeds but you need to remember you'll be what, 55-60 by then? If you don't have enough money to buy a flat outright, you may struggle then to get a mortgage. This is absolutely something you'd want to be factoring into your divorce settlement negotiations. Get a good solicitor and sorry this has happened OP

Sorry, misremembered your age now from your original thread - can see you're only 40 atm so I guess you'll be more like 48/50 when the kids reach 18 perhaps? In which case you'll stand a better chance of getting say a 15 year term mortgage if you need it to buy a flat.