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Original poster

Two years in with a doctor, the arrogance…AIBU?

124 replies

TowardsGreen · 20/08/2021 10:48

Never noticed this with DP before. He’s a hospital doctor and has moved up the ranks. He can go into private work soon etc so he’s towards the later part of his career.

I’d never had him down as someone arrogant, in fact that’s what I loved about him. I’m a partner in a large law firm and I am surrounded by men thinking they are the bees knees at all times. Never thought DP was like this.

The last few weeks he’s become quite cocky. Saying things like ‘these people really need me’ when he’s worked 12 days straight and proceeded to complain about how hard it is (he elects to do it, he is allowed more time off). I’ve also had a comment that ‘a cancer patient needs me, I don’t know when I will be free’… sort of as if I was saying choose them or me when suggesting dinner on Wednesday. I wasn’t Hmm

I’ve never come between him and his job and don’t intend to. But is this arrogance here to stay?! I don’t think I can handle it at the office and at home, too…

OP posts:
tinydancer88 · 20/08/2021 10:53

Sounds like he needs to develop some professional boundaries very quickly.

Original poster
TowardsGreen · 20/08/2021 10:55

@tinydancer88 it’s only become like this since he’s moved up the ranks a few weeks ago. He is apparently now responsible for everything and nothing goes well without him.

OP posts:
doodlejump1980 · 20/08/2021 10:57

Has he got the well-known consultant God complex, where only he can possible do the thing?

Viviennemary · 20/08/2021 10:57

Its certainly gone to his head. It could go either way. The novelty might wear off or he could get worse. Consultants do have a bit of a reputation for thinking they're gods.

MotionActivatedDog · 20/08/2021 10:58

Sounds like his now associating with someone who behaves like this and it’s rubbing off. Someone he admires/looks up to. Has he mentioned any new colleague names recently?

PlanDeRaccordement · 20/08/2021 10:59

Sounds more like work addiction than arrogance. It can be hard to pull away when you do know you being at work longer does make a difference to people. You get sucked in. Then you start taking partners, friends, family for granted. Thinking they’ll be happy to drop everything when you have a free second.

I’d have a chat with him but from a place of concern because work addictions like that generally lead to burn out and that more than cancels out the good you Di by staying late, working extra etc. Burnout creeps up on you and could cause fatal mistake, license losing type in a doctor.

LastGirlSanding · 20/08/2021 11:00

Tell him. Say he’s been behaving like it’s gone to his head. Kindly. If he’s the sort of man that can self-reflect and not let his ego take over the show he’ll course correct.

OchNoAgain · 20/08/2021 11:01

Is it less arrogance and more just him expressing (badly) a feeling of more pressure and responsibility?

I'd probably be quite upfront with him about it and say he is coming across a bit differently since he's taken his new role and how does he feel about it. His answer might prompt something.

My DH is also in a very 'big' role that makes my job as a senior lawyer seem like a paper round and I've learned that his apparent arrogance at times is an expression of the self-confidence and self-motivation he needs in order to the job properly and a reflection of the extreme pressure and reliance placed upon him at work. He's not like that in other aspects of his life and is naturally a very kind and humble person.

nopeaceofmind · 20/08/2021 11:02

Sorry OP but if he's coming out with that sort of thing he is an utter cock. I'm not surprised you can't put up with it.

It's something to do with the dealing with people and the most immediately important thing to them (their health) that makes some medics think they're the cleverest, most important people on the planet. I know a lot of them and have stood in kitchens at the opening of unprovoked speeches starting ".. being a doctor is hard work .. it takes a long time to train .." blah blah as if there were nothing else in life of importance, or there weren't any other kinds of intelligent.

I'd be taking the piss at every opportunity. All Hail The Important Man etc but yes I'd be seriously reconsidering and letting him know it.

Lampan · 20/08/2021 11:02

Seems to be a common theme on these boards lately. Do you live together? Do you feel as if he isn’t making enough effort with your relationship?

I think he is unlikely to improve. And if he’s so arrogant he won’t view you as an equal. I would get out.

OchNoAgain · 20/08/2021 11:02

Sorry my punctuation is appalling in that post Blush

Original poster
TowardsGreen · 20/08/2021 11:02

I hope it’s the novelty @Viviennemary

Yes @MotionActivatedDog he’s now more friendly with senior people. I just find it really distasteful. He’s done really well and should be very proud of himself but I was taken aback when I suggested dinner and he seemed at pains to tell me how important it was that he was in the hospital and how could he possibly do that… he only needed to say Wednesday wasn’t a good day!!!

It’s unlike him really. Or maybe I haven’t got to know the real him still. I’m not sure.

OP posts:
Original poster
TowardsGreen · 20/08/2021 11:03

@Lampan yes he does make an effort, that’s not changed. Just surprised by the sudden change in how he seems to view himself! Not attractive.

OP posts:
Original poster
TowardsGreen · 20/08/2021 11:06

@OchNoAgain that’s an interesting perspective. DP is not like this in any other area and he’s very supportive of my job and takes an interest etc. There are moments though that I can tell he thinks I’m just pushing paper around all day drinking tea Hmm

He’s quite an anxious man so I wonder if some of what you suggest is part of this. I really hope it will wear off a bit as whilst I support him and think he’s great, I can’t deal with the ongoing vanity like that. I don’t go around shouting I earn more money than him and pay more of the bills Grin

OP posts:
OchNoAgain · 20/08/2021 11:12

For my DH, if he was plagued by doubt or insecurity and didn't have the confidence to make decisions and stick to them, he wouldn't be able to do his job. The nature of the work requires confidence and self belief under extreme pressure. My DH has people he can delegate to but he wants things to be the best they can be and that often means doing it himself or double checking others work, so the reliance upon him is huge. And the stakes are high for everyone. To me it's understandable that this affects how they speak about work and how they see themselves in the role.

I do try to remind DH he's only human, he's only one person and ultimately the world is not on his shoulders. And if I thought he was being cocky or a dick in our personal life or in relation to my work I'd pull him up on it but he generally isn't.

godmum56 · 20/08/2021 11:13

@PlanDeRaccordement

Sounds more like work addiction than arrogance. It can be hard to pull away when you do know you being at work longer does make a difference to people. You get sucked in. Then you start taking partners, friends, family for granted. Thinking they’ll be happy to drop everything when you have a free second.

I’d have a chat with him but from a place of concern because work addictions like that generally lead to burn out and that more than cancels out the good you Di by staying late, working extra etc. Burnout creeps up on you and could cause fatal mistake, license losing type in a doctor.

This ^^
RandomMess · 20/08/2021 11:13

I would be tempted to respond "just as well my clients pay me enough to help support you though isn't it"

😂

Not strictly true but may hemp make the point that your job is valued and pays well too!

Crikeyalmighty · 20/08/2021 11:38

Given the nature of the job, I don’t think he sounds particularly arrogant— more that he feels very pressured. Maybe I’ve been around more arrogant people with less essential/critical needs jobs.

NotPersephone · 20/08/2021 11:42

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Flowers500 · 20/08/2021 11:42

I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong? It sounds like he is (poorly) phrasing the pressure and responsibility he feels towards his patients. He’s also no doubt proud of his promotion too, I’d allow a buffer a few weeks (?) of him being annoying about it.

Source: person who is no doubt also equally annoying in these circumstances Grin

gannett · 20/08/2021 11:43

It's good that he hasn't always been like this. It just means it's gone to his head a bit and he isn't at core an arrogant dick.

You can nip this in the bud. Bring him down to earth. Do it with humour or do it with sharpness or do it with a serious talk about how he's changed for the worse - you know better than us which will be more effective.

I think we've all had moments when being proud of our accomplishments crosses the line into cockiness, a good partner to ground us is useful to have at those points.

Original poster
TowardsGreen · 20/08/2021 11:45

@NotPersephone

I’m an ex partner in a law firm. Thought that male law firm partners had pretty much a monopoly on egregiously arrogant, dick-swinging, self-important, peacocking behaviour, so I married a doctor.

Since becoming a consultant, DH has got so arrogant - much, much worse than the partners I knew by a country mile. He was breathtakingly rude to my DM the other day, barking orders. When I pulled him up, he said “everyone in the hospital waits for me to tell them what to do so it comes naturally now”.

I’ve told him his behaviour is unacceptable, but I think medicine (like law at a senior level) is a bit of a self-congratulatory echo chamber. He’s often on the phone to surgeons calling them “Mr so-and-so” and verbally backslapping (he says for PP referrals). It’s very old boys club-y and obsequious. He’s also breathtakingly rude to junior hcp’s and GP’s lately (from what I overhear) lately.

So I don’t have answers but I know exactly what you mean!

@NotPersephone yes the rudeness to junior staff! He’s never been like that before. He’s quite a quiet man really. It’s made me sad seeing him like this as I found his humble nature something really special.

I agree about law firm men. Feel less alone reading your post, thank you!

OP posts:
GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 20/08/2021 11:46

I’ve certainly heard of surgeons being very arrogant, but the only one I actually know personally isn’t like that at all.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 20/08/2021 11:46

Sounds a bit of a god complex that most go through at some time in their career-usually as they become a consultant and the buck literally stops with them. I think the level of responsibility can become quite profound and certainly for DH it was hard to stop and shut down at the end of the day. The good news is that after a while they begin to understand that they can’t actually do everything and that they need to let go for their own sanity. That and that they learn to delegate also helps! If he’s not been like it before and he’s coming to the end of his training then it’s probably that weight. Talk to him about it, it’s the only way you will cope as a couple.

OchNoAgain · 20/08/2021 11:46

Holy moly @NotPersephone that sounds utterly unbearable!