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Original poster

Two years in with a doctor, the arrogance…AIBU?

124 replies

TowardsGreen · 20/08/2021 10:48

Never noticed this with DP before. He’s a hospital doctor and has moved up the ranks. He can go into private work soon etc so he’s towards the later part of his career.

I’d never had him down as someone arrogant, in fact that’s what I loved about him. I’m a partner in a large law firm and I am surrounded by men thinking they are the bees knees at all times. Never thought DP was like this.

The last few weeks he’s become quite cocky. Saying things like ‘these people really need me’ when he’s worked 12 days straight and proceeded to complain about how hard it is (he elects to do it, he is allowed more time off). I’ve also had a comment that ‘a cancer patient needs me, I don’t know when I will be free’… sort of as if I was saying choose them or me when suggesting dinner on Wednesday. I wasn’t Hmm

I’ve never come between him and his job and don’t intend to. But is this arrogance here to stay?! I don’t think I can handle it at the office and at home, too…

OP posts:
gannett · 20/08/2021 11:48

Rudeness to those "beneath" you and sucking up to those "above" you is truly one of the most obnoxious traits anyone can have.

Bit of cockiness, I could take the piss out of - but if I saw that change in behaviour it'd be full-on icy "who the FUCK do you think you are behaving like that".

Seedlipvshendricks · 20/08/2021 11:49

Has he just passed his exams or become a registrar? Give it a while and he will realise how much he doesn’t actually know! I see it all the time and we call it post PACES syndrome. As registrars get more senior they tend to relax a bit.
Have you pointed out to him his change in behaviour? He might not realise it and is doing to mask the stress of moving up to the next level. It’s a hard job (I’ve done it for 14 years) but there’s no need to be arrogant and it won’t make him popular in the long run. Good luck!

Blufandango · 20/08/2021 12:00

A while ago I was thrown into a more senior role with no notice and I felt completely out of my depth. Colleagues were messaging me constantly, and there was so much pressure. I'm sure that at home I will have been a nightmare, going on about how much I was doing and working well into the night because I had to. It could have seemed like arrogance but really I was stressed, anxious and scared I would mess it up. I've now got through the rockiest bit, I hope and I think recently I've been loads better (at least there have been no episodes of me having to stop a supermarket shop to phone someone right at that minute because... everyone will die otherwise!) Hopefully this is a similar issue with your DP, and he is overwhelmed by the new situation. Brace yourself for a few months and see if it stops and maybe try some gentle quizzing to see if he is coping

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 20/08/2021 12:03

I've no idea why some consultants think they're god, they've got degrees, big deal, so do thousands of others up and down the country have degrees. There are much harder subjects out there to get a degree in!

TableFlowerss · 20/08/2021 12:08

He’s probably right. They very much will need him, probably even more so now that he’s in a more senior position.

You can’t just drum up doctors after 1 year training so they are worth their weight in gold.

He sounds like he’s very good at his job and I’m thankful for that.

Sounds to me like you’re overthinking it tbh. If he said ‘I can’t do any of the days you suggest’, wouldn’t that open up the question, ‘Well why not?’ So he’s probably saving time and telling you why. People do need him, so in other words, his new job comes with more responsibility.

I think if that’s your biggest complaint about him, you should probably spend some more time on here, because I assure you, that would put things in to perspective for you.

TableFlowerss · 20/08/2021 12:10

@AwaAnBileYerHeid

I've no idea why some consultants think they're god, they've got degrees, big deal, so do thousands of others up and down the country have degrees. There are much harder subjects out there to get a degree in!
Bollocks there’s much harder subjects to get a degree in!!!!
Siepie · 20/08/2021 12:10

My DP is a consultant and I'm used to sometimes having to change plans if she gets caught up at work. But she still makes time for me (and now DS) and doesn't go on about how important she is or bark orders at anyone.

Your DP might just be adjusting to a new role, but I don't think I could cope with that arrogance long term, no matter my partner's job.

NotPersephone · 20/08/2021 12:18

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

babybelling · 20/08/2021 12:21

I hear you, OP. One of my oldest friends - who is in reality quite important - has taken to saying, when we are a friendship group are discussing x, y or z, "I haven't got the time for that - I have [important thing] to do". And she does have important stuff to do - but she also does fun stuff, so what she means is "that's not what I choose to do with the time available to me". And instead it leaves us all irritated because it comes across as saying that our time isn't important, but hers is. When in reality, we are all busy, just choosing what to spend out time on differently.

tl;dr he's got an inflated head, for entirely understandable reasons, but he still needs to stop being a dick.

Loubiemoo · 20/08/2021 12:22

Sounds like a touch of “consultant-itis”. Most get over it after a short while. Hopefully yours will too.
He does need to put up some professional boundaries though, or he’ll burn out pretty quickly.

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 20/08/2021 12:25

@AwaAnBileYerHeid

I've no idea why some consultants think they're god, they've got degrees, big deal, so do thousands of others up and down the country have degrees. There are much harder subjects out there to get a degree in!
Consultants aren't people with medical degrees. That's just first year junior doctors.

Consultants are doctors who have then undergone a minimum of between five (GP) and ten (paediatrician) years of further training as junior doctors, taking several more sets of exams along the way (with failure rates of around 50%) as well as membership exams to their chosen Royal College (for example, MRCPsych exams). They will then be eligible to apply for consultant posts. Plenty of (extremely intelligent, well qualified, very experienced) doctors never become consultants at all.

Then, depending on their specialty, consultants will quite often literally be making life and death decisions on a daily basis. Lots of them will be at the forefront of the national or even international understanding of particular areas of their specialties.

So whilst I agree that the god complex that some consultants have is problematic, it's not just because they have degrees.

Loubiemoo · 20/08/2021 12:26

Oh and any Drs being rude to ‘junior’ staff will soon find that backfires. They can’t do their job without them.

KeyboardWorriers · 20/08/2021 12:27

He needs to rein it in! Totally agree really irritating.

My dad was hugely successful and respected in his career but such a modest man at home that I had no idea until I ended up working in a linked industry.

I think it is fine in a senior role to sometimes have to put work first, I know i accept that comes with my role. But how it is expressed makes all the difference.

catelina · 20/08/2021 12:27

XH is a hospital consultant who went from a quiet and swotty type who wouldn't say boo to a goose let alone his own mother to an arrogant, self-important twat in the space of a few years. He'd regularly humble-brag about how 'easy' saving lives was.

He still has the same huge ego that to this day, and although we've been divorced for years he acts like my FT job is a hobby and still sometimes tries to treat me like an unpaid nanny who should fit my life around his hugely important work.

Good luck, OP...

drpet49 · 20/08/2021 12:28

* Given the nature of the job, I don’t think he sounds particularly arrogant— more that he feels very pressured.*

^I agree

Rhythmisadancer · 20/08/2021 12:28

What's the difference between God and a doctor?

God doesn't think he's a doctor Grin

mynameisbrian · 20/08/2021 12:29

It sounds like the bolshy areshole behaviour is really him hiding his anxiety. Stepping up into a consultant role is rather daunting and the buck stops with you. I have worked with many who at the start are either very needy of support from senior nurses or they try and pretend their all knowing and act like cocky twats who usually get slapped down by the matrons or other senior nursing staff. It takes a few incidents for them to slap themselves out of it then they calm down. My DH is a hospital consultant and I too work in the NHS and I have dealt with many new 'consultants'.

Outfoxedbyrabbits thanks for outlining that as I was about to do the same!

Crikeyalmighty · 20/08/2021 12:33

I know very few senior level people with this amount of responsibility (and it literally is life and death) who don’t have a touch of the ‘barking out orders’ about them and I know plenty whose jobs are far less responsible than this who have it too. I used to be a nurse many moons ago and to be honest got used to the what can seem a bit arrogant way of speaking to others by senior medics— I think it’s that it’s an incredibly pressured job and with little time to engage in social niceties and chit chat and it’s an individual thing whether you can live with that. My friend lives with a consultant and he’s a very good man but she says he has lost the ability to just chit chat without sounding opinionated or bolshy

RiaOverTheRainbow · 20/08/2021 12:36

The cockiness would annoy me, but if it's a recent thing I'd probably be prepared to wait and see if it improved. The rudeness would be a much bigger issue for me. Have you pulled him up on it?

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 20/08/2021 12:39

@mynameisbrian

It sounds like the bolshy areshole behaviour is really him hiding his anxiety. Stepping up into a consultant role is rather daunting and the buck stops with you. I have worked with many who at the start are either very needy of support from senior nurses or they try and pretend their all knowing and act like cocky twats who usually get slapped down by the matrons or other senior nursing staff. It takes a few incidents for them to slap themselves out of it then they calm down. My DH is a hospital consultant and I too work in the NHS and I have dealt with many new 'consultants'.

Outfoxedbyrabbits thanks for outlining that as I was about to do the same!

Agree 100%. New Consultant Syndrome is a thing, and usually wears off, but your DH sounds anxious and overwhelmed. Also, if he is working 12 days straight, he is probably knackered and short-tempered.

I would pull him up when he is rude/inconsiderate/ridiculous, but cut him a bit of slack over all, and see how he is in a couple of months' time.

RB68 · 20/08/2021 12:41

The measure of a man (or woman) who is successful is the story those they used to hoist them up the ladder of success tell. But also if you treat those behind you badly what will happen when you have a rung pulled out from beneath you - only takes one negligence case....

caoraich · 20/08/2021 12:42

Bearing in mind he only moved "up the ranks" a few weeks ago, that means he moved at the August changeover. Therefore he's either a registrar or he's in his very first consultant post. If the latter, I appreciate it can be incredibly stressful when you just start and you do suddenly feel the pressure of being the person the buck ultimately stops with (DOI: I am a hospital consultant)
But he doesn't need to bring that pressure home with him. There are ways to explain to family that the work sometimes can't be put aside that don't make you sound like you have a God complex.
If he's moved up in registrar training I bet he's just gone from CT to ST or similar and is all excited to be viewed as "one of the seniors". In which case he's being a twonk and he needs to be told to calm down - probably at work and at home....

Redcart21 · 20/08/2021 12:44

And he’s not even a consultant yet! Don’t want to think how we will be then. He was only a junior doctor not so long ago. Also many junior doctors are older with families and mortgages and have been working for decades so not really “junior.” So there is really no need to look down on them. It will backfire on him soon enough. When you get to consultant, it doesn’t mean you know everything- medicine is a lifelong learning career and those who think they know it all at that stage will quickly become humbled.
The specialty he is in tends to impact on how he behaves. Surgery, orthopaedics, paediatrics can attract god-like complexes. I’ve worked in the industry for decades and seen it all.

How about just tell him how you feel?

Maxiedog123 · 20/08/2021 12:45

@catelina

XH is a hospital consultant who went from a quiet and swotty type who wouldn't say boo to a goose let alone his own mother to an arrogant, self-important twat in the space of a few years. He'd regularly humble-brag about how 'easy' saving lives was.

He still has the same huge ego that to this day, and although we've been divorced for years he acts like my FT job is a hobby and still sometimes tries to treat me like an unpaid nanny who should fit my life around his hugely important work.

Good luck, OP...

My OH is the same, senior consultant who works ridiculous hours and truly believes everything would fall apart around him. Also behaves like my job is a hobby and throws a fit if it interferes with his life at all, the bizarre thing is I am also a senior consultant, if a few years younger I don't think it is the medical job per se as the deeply ingrained misogyny in the profession. My experience was that when my OH became a consultant in private practice his colleagues were often older men with very conservative worldview s
Sunshinedrops85 · 20/08/2021 12:46

I have a lot of doctors in the family.It depends on personality. One of my cousins has been like this from the very start even before he graduated.