Two years in with a doctor, the arrogance…AIBU?

[TowardsGreen]

Never noticed this with DP before. He’s a hospital doctor and has moved up the ranks. He can go into private work soon etc so he’s towards the later part of his career.

I’d never had him down as someone arrogant, in fact that’s what I loved about him. I’m a partner in a large law firm and I am surrounded by men thinking they are the bees knees at all times. Never thought DP was like this.

The last few weeks he’s become quite cocky. Saying things like ‘these people really need me’ when he’s worked 12 days straight and proceeded to complain about how hard it is (he elects to do it, he is allowed more time off). I’ve also had a comment that ‘a cancer patient needs me, I don’t know when I will be free’… sort of as if I was saying choose them or me when suggesting dinner on Wednesday. I wasn’t

I’ve never come between him and his job and don’t intend to. But is this arrogance here to stay?! I don’t think I can handle it at the office and at home, too…

Honestly, I've been similarly twattish about promotions and I'm not doing anything nearly as important as saving lives. I'm from a very poor working class background, so when I first got a company car I felt like a fecking god driving around in it. Likewise when I got a big pay rise and when I first got a manager title. With me it's like I feel so damn fortunate I have to blab about it.

It wears off after a few weeks and I hope it's the same for your husband!

I'd suspect that he was struggling to keep up with the new workload, embarrassed that he's not able to do his job within normal hours and finding an excuse for the late hours that makes him look better as his ego is a bit shaky right now.

Last consultant I had dealings with refused to look at me. Sat at his desk writing shouting at me because I was pointing to the area I was in pain and I didn’t know the medical terminology of what my hip joint was called. Even barked Right or Left when he was putting down the side the pain was.

I saw him 4 times per year for 7 years and only once did he look at me when he had a student in the room and was showing off to her.
Sat there facing him for the first time and told him
Do you know. This is the first time you have looked at me.

If he had looked at me sooner he might have discovered I was shuffling around with a slipped discs and didn’t need a new hip.

If consultants are all arrogant that they don’t want to look at you then they aren’t doing their job

@Crikeyalmighty

Given the nature of the job, I don’t think he sounds particularly arrogant— more that he feels very pressured. Maybe I’ve been around more arrogant people with less essential/critical needs jobs.

This. None of the things in the op sound anything like arrogance to me. They sound like somebody who feels pressurised to be available and feeling like they have a lot of responsibility which maybe they are struggling to set appropriate boundaries in place to deal with.

Frankly op, it seems.thst you have made a quick leap to your DH being arrogant without much empathy for what they might actually be going through and whether they might actually be anxious about their new role.

Assuming your DH hasn't been like this in the past , maybe have a chat with him as to how some of the things he is saying saying sound and check what is actually going on in your DH's mind rather than assuming you know what he is going through based on a few comments he has made,.taken out of context.

Surely as well it's not safe to work 12 days in a row? If he's tired it could lead to mistakes.

This has happened to so many of my (mostly) male friends in medicine and the law as they rose through the ranks... it's tiresome...

I'd be willing to give him the benefit of the doubt on the basis that the recent promotion probably comes with much higher expectations and pressure and, also to be fair, status, and it might take a little time to adjust to that.

But as PP have pointed out, it's a weird reality that (men) in some careers do seem to become just unbelievably twattish once they reach a certain level. My experience is with lawyers rather than doctors but I echo what others have said here - people (men) who seemed perfectly pleasant, nice, sensible people become more obnoxious and unpleasant, culminating in total dickish behaviour at the point at which they make partner. If you're lucky, this settles down after a year or two. But not always.

What specialty does he work in? I think you need a frank conversation with him to tell him what you’re hearing and how it’s making you feel. I’ve worked with 10s of consultants. The god complex isn’t inevitable (unless he’s a neurosurgeon), but if he’s showing signs, it needs nipping quickly at home. If it doesn’t improve after the convo, then it’s sadly time to leave.

FWIW the bloody hospital doesn’t revolve around consultants. The vast majority of the place survives for the 12 hours they’re not working each day! They’re no more important than any member of their team and would do very well to remember that in some circumstances.

Sounds like he is stressed at the new level of responsibility
My dh was a consultant in a very stressful specialty....that was 25 years ago when Drs were still expected to work ludicrously long hours (100+hrs week were not unheard of as a jnr Dr)
Initially dh loved the buzz of being on call and being able to fix people...however in reality he was incredibly stressed as the buck stopped with him and sadly took it out on people by shouting at them
Ended up having a total breakdown ( with several months in a psychiatric hospital) , and finally had to give up the career he'd worked for since childhood
He's since retrained in a totally unrelated field (Law) and we now have a much better quality of life and we now have much more time together and our children have definitely benefited from his change of career

@gannett

Rudeness to those "beneath" you and sucking up to those "above" you is truly one of the most obnoxious traits anyone can have.

Bit of cockiness, I could take the piss out of - but if I saw that change in behaviour it'd be full-on icy "who the FUCK do you think you are behaving like that".

Nothing changes then, sadly. I trained as a nurse in the early 70’s and quite a few consultants barely stopped short of saying ‘Call me God’ then 😳☹️ The inherent superiority complex is utterly abhorrent and as a student nurse, very demoralising. I can only imagine that how his unfortunate subordinates must feel now. Nearly 50 years later I still remember.

I’m married to a consultant surgeon and I’d definitely agree with this -

My DH is also in a very 'big' role that makes my job as a senior lawyer seem like a paper round and I've learned that his apparent arrogance at times is an expression of the self-confidence and self-motivation he needs in order to the job properly and a reflection of the extreme pressure and reliance placed upon him at work. He's not like that in other aspects of his life and is naturally a very kind and humble person.

Tbh I take the piss at every opportunity and remind him he ain’t at work now when he comes home and tries to bark orders.

Apologies, I’ve only read the first page but in your case I’d be really concerned about the rudeness to junior staff. I think he’s showing who he really is here. Run while you can.

It is a bit of an "old boys' club" atmosphere when they get higher up in the echelons of medicine.
I used to work in hospital labs, and most of our consultants were very much of a "higher order" - even the nice ones were very aware of their status. But many of them still treated us respectfully, even when we called them in the middle of the night (we had a couple who didn't, and who refused to be bothered by us - didn't like them)

I knew one genuinely humble consultant - he was a heart and lung transplant surgeon and he was wonderful, always just said he was nothing more than a glorified plumber, really.

Many of the women too, by the way - it's probably the safest way for them to be accepted - which is a shame really because that just perpetuates it.

I think watching how people treat their junior staff in hospitals is like seeing how people treat service staff in shops and restaurants - if they can't be bothered to be nice and polite to them, then they're not "good people".

I'm sorry your partner has fallen prey to the prevailing attitude.

It's not ALL consultants or senior registrars or doctors in general - but really quite a lot of them!

Well OP, I think I’d remind him that however important he is at work he still puts his trousers on one leg at a time!

Adam Kay speaks of the arrogance of consultants in his book!

@NotPersephone Completely off topic and random I know, but may I ask what your username is about?! What's a Persephone?! 🧐

@Boredmotherofone

It’s name
Rhymes with Penelope

Sit him down and tell him his fortune. Wanker

What’s the difference between God and a consultant physician? God doesn’t think he’s a consultant physician. Boom boom.
Seriously though, this sounds so familiar. I’ve worked 30 years in theNHS as a humble AHP. It was made very clear very early to me that I was way down the food chain. I have moved out of hospital work now and although I miss the patient work and camaraderie, I really don’t mind not having to deal with patronising doctors anymore.

I would find this behaviour pretty distasteful and would be disappointed in him acting like this if he was originally nice and ordinary, however it would also make me think he wasn't as confident and self assured as he makes out , more trying to boost his status with these remarks .
He needs to be encouraged to step back and look at how distasteful and arrogant he sounds

I’m surrounded by doctors and I know how arrogant they can be. But your DP’s comments struck me more as feeling overwhelmed by the responsibility and the pressure of his new role than specifically arrogant.

"DP when we fist got together your humble and polite nature was one of many attractive features... But recently you've been acting out of character ... Did X and Y... I was really taken aback by how you spoke to so and so ... When I was promoted, Senior Partner Z said I was now a role model and said it was vital that directness never slid into incivility... "
?

*first dammit

I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong? It sounds like he is (poorly) phrasing the pressure and responsibility he feels towards his patients. He’s also no doubt proud of his promotion too

I agree!
I’m quite surprised at some of the responses on here.

I’m a teacher and during the lockdown I worked harder and I did things like drop things off at students homes, took parent phone calls in the evenings and weekends etc and when questioned I said they needed me. In no way was I being arrogant I was just trying to support my students who were going through a tough situation. It sounds like your DP is doing the same.

No way does he sound arrogant but I’d be worried he’s not coping and doing too much.

@NotPersephone

I’m an ex partner in a law firm. Thought that male law firm partners had pretty much a monopoly on egregiously arrogant, dick-swinging, self-important, peacocking behaviour, so I married a doctor.

Since becoming a consultant, DH has got so arrogant - much, much worse than the partners I knew by a country mile. He was breathtakingly rude to my DM the other day, barking orders. When I pulled him up, he said “everyone in the hospital waits for me to tell them what to do so it comes naturally now”.

I’ve told him his behaviour is unacceptable, but I think medicine (like law at a senior level) is a bit of a self-congratulatory echo chamber. He’s often on the phone to surgeons calling them “Mr so-and-so” and verbally backslapping (he says for PP referrals). It’s very old boys club-y and obsequious. He’s also breathtakingly rude to junior hcp’s and GP’s lately (from what I overhear) lately.

So I don’t have answers but I know exactly what you mean!

The rudeness to junior staff will not go down well at all amongst us mere minions.

He may find his job becomes a little more difficult as it's us juniors who can either be helpful or work to rule.

As l said to one new doctor (arrogant SHO)... l can make your job easier or harder depending on how you treat me. So if you want me to find paperwork that you need to do YOUR job or need me to show you how to use our IT systems l suggest you speak to me nicely. Otherwise you can go and find someone else...

He was nice after that.

Also, he can't be THAT important if he has to call the surgeon's "Mr".... even l don't do that. First names all the way

Do you think you could talk to him about code-switching? Loads of people have to do this, from childhood up. Of course he has a work persona, and he's currently growing into a new one, but I bet you do this, too, to an extent. If he doesn't find himself taking his home persona to work, it shows he knows how to switch, so he can choose to leave the work persona behind when he comes home, too.

I suspect he's enjoying the work persona a little too much and is showing off at home. He needs to know it's grating on you so it's only fair to tell him. Is there any mileage in talking about strategies you use on your commute to power up and power down? This is what he needs to do!

If he comes home swaggering and throwing his weight about, you could simply remind him he should have switched. Ultimately, saying "If you get a full-blown God complex, be aware that I am not the worshipping type." 😉

Becoming a new consultant can be an extremely stressful period, so cut him some slack while he adjusts