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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please help me leave alcoholic husband

153 replies

Namele · 19/08/2021 21:52

My husband is a high functioning alcoholic. He always liked a drink. We met when I was in my early 20s and we used to have a very active social life mostly revolving around the pub. I didn't see any problem with that at the time and we would only ever go out at a weekend. Things have gotten progressively worse. We are now in our late 30s/ early 40s. We have 2 young DC and my husband holds down a high pressured job. There are other issues in his family life too. He drinks to cope with stress. He still doesn't drink during the week and usually manages to keep his drinking at weekends down to 2 bootles of wine and a few beers (still a lot in my opinion, I'm not a big drinker). He has had instances where he would go on a week long bender and just drink from morning to night. So far he's been hospitalised twice, once for severe dehydration the other because he hurt himself whilst drunk (fell).
At the start of the year, after yet another drunken Christmas, I contacted a solicitor to discuss divorce. My husband made promises to change. I felt I owed it to the kids to try. He stopped drinking, started therapy and for a few months life was great. I fell back in love with him. The kids, especially our eldest were benefiting from having an involved dad and we were happy.
I finally agreed to sell our house and look for something bigger. Something he's wanted to do for ages but I was reluctant to do due to the situation. We've accepted an offer on our house but haven't actually completed or found anywhere to move to yet. The kids are excited about moving to a bigger house.
That pipe dream has burst. H is currently asleep on the sofa next to me after having been drinking for the last 2 days. He had a massive go at me earlier when I asked him to confirm plans we had for tomorrow.
He had another fall off the wagon 3 weeks ago where he was drinking for 5 days, missing work in the process.
I'm done and he needs to go. I feel so stupid for falling for his lies again and again. It's affecting our DC, it's affecting me, it's no way to live. Even when he's sober, I'm constantly on edge.
I need someone to keep pushing me to leave. He'll sober up, say all the right things, may even do them for a bit but it won't be long before the house of cards falls down again.
I think I'm scared of how hard it will be. The kids don't fully understand, they will be heart broken. The big house they've been imagining is going to be a much smaller house as that's all I'll be able to afford. We'll be OK financially but no where near as comfortable as now. I just keep coming up with excuses.
Sorry this is long and I'm rambling. Just getting this down on "paper". Thank you for reading if you're still here.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 19/08/2021 21:55

If you need motivation to leave, just look at your children. Being raised with an alcoholic will taint their lives forever. It is your responsibility to get them out of this abusive situation, whatever it takes.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/08/2021 21:55

You owe it to your children to leave- I grew up with an alcoholic father, he ended up in a mental hospital when severe dehydration caused him to forget everything (even who I was). The issues my sister and I were left with its cruel! To live in a house as a child and be anxious and on edge is abuse in my book- you owe it to them to remove them from such a situation!

mummylondon16 · 19/08/2021 21:56

al anon xx
please look it up and take this first step there are people who can help you there

siucra · 19/08/2021 22:06

If you stay any longer, it will destroy you. You are probably already policing his drinking, trying to keep the chaos at bay. The alcohol will always win. You deserve a better life. You really do. He has the chance to change and didn’t take it. Don’t give him another. Your children will be better without this chaos in their lives and you can lead a calmer, happier life. Good luck xx

Namele · 19/08/2021 22:35

Thank you. I really appreciate your responses. I know that it has to end. The kids are still very young so I hope that I can show them a happy and healthy life. I just need to stay firm and not waver once he's sobered up.

OP posts:
siucra · 19/08/2021 22:44

It’s so hard. I’ve been through it and is splitting up was my very last resort. But I lost so much by staying too long. I was in survival mode by the end. I’m four years out and am so happy. Single, alone, but my daughter and I are happier. Your husband has been hospitalized so you have ‘evidence’ to prove that you are not making it up. Go for it. He won’t change.

Namele · 19/08/2021 23:06

@siucra so glad to hear you are doing well and you're happy. I'm absolutely certain that we would all be happier without him around but that still doesn't make it any easier. Going to have to wait for him to sober up to have that talk.

OP posts:
fedup078 · 20/08/2021 07:27

In March we were just about to exchange on our sale and purchase when I pulled the plug
'D' h had always had a drink problem but I never thought he'd get shitfaced at the crack of dawn with our baby . I felt really bad for the ppl I'd messed around by pulling the house but now I know I've done the right thing

I can't remember if you mentioned your kids age but if they are old enough to notice your h shitty behaviour they will be old enough to explain that your relationship isn't working and things will be much calmer if you split

I'm also the child of an alcoholic so I've seen it from that angle too and it's really messed me up if I'm honest and probably the reason I put up with him for so long

Loopyloo1985 · 20/08/2021 07:38

It might be hard on you and the children just now but it will do more damage to stay in the long run. My dad is an alcoholic (late sixties) and what a mess he is in. Started out as a highly functioning alcoholic he now has alcohol related brain damage and is in and out of hospital on a regular basis. I often wish for my mums sake that she had left him many years ago. Be strong, trust me you do not want to stay with this man and the chaos he will bring to your life.

Whydidimarryhim · 20/08/2021 07:52

The damage this does to children is severe. Please look up adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families. It’s clear to see.
I am one of those sadly.
It’s painful I’m sure but you need to go.
Alanon is great.
The recovery show - podcast has lots of shares from partners of alcoholics.
It maybe the kick up the arse he needs as addicts have to hit rock bottom sometimes before change occurs or he may not get his act together. He needs AA - you cannot fix him, you have no control over him nor can you cure him.
💐

pointythings · 20/08/2021 07:56

Do it for your children. I stayed with my alcoholic for far too long and the damage done to my DDs is still not resolved - DD1 is doing well, but DD2 is only just ready to start therapy properly at 18. Your husband has no motivation to change, and if he is drinking enough to put him in hospital then he is already spiralling.

Also no way is he sober during the week and just having two bottles of wine on a weekend - hospital level dehydration takes more. Alcoholics are fabulously good at hiding how much they're having, I found empties all over the house after my husband was removed by the police.

I second contacting Al-Anon or a similar group. You're tied up in codependency right now and you need support to break that. It's hard, but it can be done. Link here: alcoholchange.org.uk/alcohol-facts/fact-sheets/a-guide-to-family-support-services and this also links to other support services if Al-Anon is not for you. There may also be local groups near you - I am in one near me, we have a steady flow of people joining and then moving on.

Good luck. Leaving is 100% the right thing to do.

layladomino · 20/08/2021 08:02

I've been there. It's so hard living life being always on edge, always worrying, always clearing up someone else's mess (sometimes literally). It's an awful thing for children to grow up with as well.

In the end I knew I had to leave for my DCs wellbeing and my own.

It was the right thing to do.

Please be strong, and do what is right for your DC and for you. You aren't responsible for your DH's actions and decisions. He made promises and didn't keep them. He ended the marriage.

Snookie00 · 20/08/2021 08:08

Just adding a voice of support to the others. I’ve been there and kept giving him second chances hoping he’d be able to turn it round. Living in constant fear that he’d do it again. Finally snapped after years of picking up the pieces and realised that I couldn’t go on. Best thing I’ve ever done for me and the kids. You can do this and you and the kids will be so much better without the shadow of his alcoholism ruining your lives.

Walkingalot · 20/08/2021 08:18

It was one of the reasons (but probably the cause of all the reasons) I separated from my DH. As my DS got older he became more aware of what was going on. Ex is now in a new relationship and has confided that his g/f is getting fed up with him. He won't change. He's slowly destroying his life and health.

Snookie00 · 20/08/2021 08:18

And I totally understand you saying that even when he’s sober, you’re living on the edge waiting for the next time. The fear/ anticipation of worrying if today is the day that he’ll do it again taints every moment of your life. The relief I felt when he moved out and I knew the kids and I were at peace and our house was a haven was overwhelming.

Muchmorethan · 20/08/2021 08:22

In regards to moving somewhere smaller, you may be able to stay in the current home.

It is all dependent on the equity, pensions, savings etc that you both have.

I offset the family home against XH pension

NeverButterkist · 20/08/2021 08:27

Please don't allow your children to be brought up by an alcoholic. My ex Son in Law (EXSIL) was and he is one mixed up kid with a whole raft of problems himself, including alcohol abuse. EXSIL thinks the root of his problems lie in his DF's alcolism. I don't know it this is completely true but it has certainly scarred him.
Put your DC first. 💐

Namele · 20/08/2021 09:52

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. It really helps. I need that kick up the arse. It's also good to hear about the positive stories.
To those who have asked, the dc are 6 & 2. The 2 year old doesn't really understand yet, but the 6 year old definitely knows something isn't right. And that's really spurring me on.
@Muchmorethan, he will not move out voluntarily, so I think we'll have to go through with the house sale and rent somewhere for a bit. Not an easy feat in itself. I've got 2 kids, 2 dogs and need to stay close enough to school.

OP posts:
Namele · 20/08/2021 10:16

OK, I've emailed my solicitor this morning and instructed them to get the divorce rolling. I feel sick. Sad It is the right thing to do right?
H is currently lying on the sofa with the kids playing around him. I think he's now sobering up again which is at least something.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/08/2021 10:17

I would also seek legal; advice with a view to separation and divorce. he is not going to go quietly if he does leave willingly (also unlikely as he has you to prop him up and otherwise enable him and his drinking).

Stop with the excuses and start firming up plans to leave him permanently. Your own recovery from his alcoholism will only properly start when you have fully separated from him. You are as caught up in this as he is because you have acted out the usual roles associated with such spouses to date; codependent partner, enabler and provoker (because you never forget). Both children here are picking up on the atmosphere within the home with you unlikely to be fully emotionally available to your DC because of your preoccupation with his drinking.

I would also think his job is at risk if it is not already. There are no guarantees here when it comes to alcoholism. He could also go onto lose everything and everyone around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards.

BTW did you see similar as a child?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/08/2021 10:18

It is absolutely the right thing to do here in instructing your Solicitor to get the ball rolling.

fedup078 · 20/08/2021 10:27

It's the right thing to do
Its been going on for too long and he's had multiple previous chances and he will not change any time soon or possibly ever .
You are protecting the future of your children here and your own which is also important (something I think too many of us forget)

Namele · 20/08/2021 10:29

Thank you @AttilaTheMeerkat. I feel this is the only thing I can do to make him realise. With regards to my own childhood, I have very happy childhood memories. My parents are the most loving and caring people and definitely no alcohol abuse going on. My dad's teetotal and my mum only has the odd glass of wine. I did meet my husband young though and I'm not from the UK so felt that going out drinking was a big part of the culture here. I never realised how bad his drinking really was until we had kids. And it's just been getting worse ever since.

OP posts:
Namechange567890 · 20/08/2021 10:31

This is not going to get better, please read my previous post about my EXH and drinking problems and you will see how their drinking can affect the DC, please gather all your strength and take your children out of this situation, he does not sound like he has acknowledged his problems which is the only way this will ever get sorted, good luck xx

siucra · 20/08/2021 10:45

Don’t worry about making him realise what he’s done. Your life and that of your children needs saving here. Not him. You can leave the chaos and the worry behind. You deserve a better future.

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