Please help me leave alcoholic husband

[Namele]

My husband is a high functioning alcoholic. He always liked a drink. We met when I was in my early 20s and we used to have a very active social life mostly revolving around the pub. I didn't see any problem with that at the time and we would only ever go out at a weekend. Things have gotten progressively worse. We are now in our late 30s/ early 40s. We have 2 young DC and my husband holds down a high pressured job. There are other issues in his family life too. He drinks to cope with stress. He still doesn't drink during the week and usually manages to keep his drinking at weekends down to 2 bootles of wine and a few beers (still a lot in my opinion, I'm not a big drinker). He has had instances where he would go on a week long bender and just drink from morning to night. So far he's been hospitalised twice, once for severe dehydration the other because he hurt himself whilst drunk (fell).
At the start of the year, after yet another drunken Christmas, I contacted a solicitor to discuss divorce. My husband made promises to change. I felt I owed it to the kids to try. He stopped drinking, started therapy and for a few months life was great. I fell back in love with him. The kids, especially our eldest were benefiting from having an involved dad and we were happy.
I finally agreed to sell our house and look for something bigger. Something he's wanted to do for ages but I was reluctant to do due to the situation. We've accepted an offer on our house but haven't actually completed or found anywhere to move to yet. The kids are excited about moving to a bigger house.
That pipe dream has burst. H is currently asleep on the sofa next to me after having been drinking for the last 2 days. He had a massive go at me earlier when I asked him to confirm plans we had for tomorrow.
He had another fall off the wagon 3 weeks ago where he was drinking for 5 days, missing work in the process.
I'm done and he needs to go. I feel so stupid for falling for his lies again and again. It's affecting our DC, it's affecting me, it's no way to live. Even when he's sober, I'm constantly on edge.
I need someone to keep pushing me to leave. He'll sober up, say all the right things, may even do them for a bit but it won't be long before the house of cards falls down again.
I think I'm scared of how hard it will be. The kids don't fully understand, they will be heart broken. The big house they've been imagining is going to be a much smaller house as that's all I'll be able to afford. We'll be OK financially but no where near as comfortable as now. I just keep coming up with excuses.
Sorry this is long and I'm rambling. Just getting this down on "paper". Thank you for reading if you're still here.

Having consequences in terms of divorce may or may not make him see what he has to lose - but the important thing you need to take from it is that it is not your problem. The only person who can fix him is him. You can't make him see anything, you can't make him do anything, all you can do is protect yourself and your DC.

Once you are out of the enabling and codependency stages, you will see this very clearly. The detachment is incredibly liberating.

Your comment about not realising it was so bad until you had kids resonates with me. When we were in our 20s, his drinking didn’t seem too bad and binges were common in our friendship group. He always went a bit further than others but nothing too outrageous. I had always assumed that my ex would grow up and start drinking responsibly when we got older and had kids. Instead it got worse as life with young kids is hard and he didn’t have my full attention.

His drinking - day long binges seems pretty serious. Do his employers know what he is doing and do you think hes at risk of losing his job?

Live separately whilst you're still in the house and you can look at claiming Universal Credit

@Snookie00 yes that pretty much sums it up I think. He always drunk more than others but not outrageously so that it made me worry and as I said it was a weekend thing. Never during the week.
I don't think his employers know but the absences must make them wonder what's going on. I do worry he'll lose his job. But there's nothing I can do anymore. The binges ARE serious. It's almost as if he can't stop once he starts. He's perfectly capable of not drinking but he can't just have a glass of wine. I think he also struggles to cope with the hangover so instead of dealing with it he just keeps drinking.

Op, I just wanted to say well done for getting the ball rolling. As others have said, you can't help him, but you can help your children. I wish my mother had had your courage

Solicitor appointment on Wednesday. H is walking around the house like a zombie. I took the kids out all afternoon. I'm exhausted and so incredibly sad.

Hmm it's hard my dh aged 36 drinks a litre of frosty Jack's per day and 6 strongbow more on a day of work. All he does is sit in kitchen. Snaps at everyone. Ruined holiday shouting been nasty as he didn't wanna go out and didn't want us to go out.

What does he drink

@Christmasfairy2020

Hmm it's hard my dh aged 36 drinks a litre of frosty Jack's per day and 6 strongbow more on a day of work. All he does is sit in kitchen. Snaps at everyone. Ruined holiday shouting been nasty as he didn't wanna go out and didn't want us to go out.

Do you have children growing up in this house? Please don't make them live in that atmosphere, it's so damaging and has huge long term effects. If you don't feel able to leave for you then do it for them.

@Christmasfairy2020, that sounds horrible. The ranting and shouting is awful. My h gets argumentative when he's in the early stages of drunkeness. I usually just ignore him and go to bed. Once he's through that he is just like a zombie. It's utterly heart breaking.
He usually drinks wine, sometimes beer and when that's not good enough anymore he switches to whiskey. His binges usually last anywhere from 3 days to a whole week. Normally only happen when he's off work, holidays, Christmas etc. But they've become much more frequent. I hope you have some support. We deserve better than that.

No support. He doesn't drink spirits. 11 and 6 year old. We aren't talking at mo after holiday. He drinks str8 after work and then all weekend etc. Anyways this isn't my thread. Divorce won't get him out the house. You need to get him a flat.

@Christmasfairy2020 please feel free to use this thread as support. We can lean on each other.

@Christmasfairy2020 how are you today? I feel like crying. He's still drinking. I've just cleaned up the mess in the bathroom. I was going to leave it for him but the kids need a bath and I want a shower. calling my mum tonight. She knows but just not the extent. Will be good to get it all out.

Please make sure you tell your mum everything, it will make such a difference to you to have a source of support with full transparency. Alcoholism and other addictions thrive on secrecy and shame. But you have nothing to be ashamed of and you are in control of what you want to keep secret or not. Time to open up to some people so you can get the support you need to leave

Definitely speak to your mum.

Fine here. He hasn't drank all day. He laid upstairs as kids tested postive for covid we are both negative. He's gone to shop now to buy larger and cider. He doesn't get drunk only on Sundays usually. He doesn't drink spirits. I've said never again are we going on holiday together again xx

@youvegottenminuteslynn, I've confided in a friend a while back. She knows the whole ugly truth and her and her husband have been amazing and super understanding. It's been such a relief to tell someone as you're right it's something that just isn't talked about. It's embarrassing and I'm ashamed.
@Christmasfairy2020 I've said that before about holidays. I dread going away as it always ends the same. I try to look forward to it but the closer it gets the more sick I feel. It's not a holiday.

I've told all my friends and family but I'm a bit funny about telling anyone I'm not close to
If the neighbours asked where he's gone I'm not sure what I'd say

My dh doesn't feel well today. His eyes are red he is clammy and I think he has yellow eyes. No fever and not covid. Iv told him it's his liver if he isn't better tomorrow I might drop him at a and e and do another lft ad both kids was postive on pcr

That doesn't sound good @Christmasfairy2020. Hope all turns out OK. A&e may be a good idea.

I've spoken to my mum and she's very supportive and also had a message from MIL who suspected something was off. She's a diamond. H is sobering up but still in no position to have a conversation with. That will have to wait until tomorrow.

That sounds horrendous, OP. I'm glad you've made the decision to leave. Hopefully this will be his tipping point and he'll start to recover, but until he does you need to put yourself and the children first.

I am so sorry things are this tough. If he is so bad that he is leaving a mess in the bathroom for you to clear up, he's in a very bad way. Do press on with the divorce, and do what you can to separate from him physically as soon as you can. I hope your MIL really understands how bad things are.

Please get some support for yourself. You feel so much less alone talking to people who have been where you are, and their advice is invaluable.

You won’t believe us now, but DC won’t be anything like as broken-hearted if you don’t leave DH.

As soon as poss. Alcoholic parents are no joke, and while leaving is hard, staying is cruel and unfair on your children.

Well done Op for putting your dc and yourself first.
A v.hard decision but the right one

I hope your family and friends all give you so much support

One of the worst things about living with or caring for an alcoholic is how bloody crap you feel when you have believed their lies...yet again...mainly because you so desperately wanted to believe that they wanted to stop drinking. As the child of an alcoholic father i can honestly say that the wounds will never fully heal. Be brave and go forward with your life, for your sake and your children's....good luck.