Please help me leave alcoholic husband

[Namele]

My husband is a high functioning alcoholic. He always liked a drink. We met when I was in my early 20s and we used to have a very active social life mostly revolving around the pub. I didn't see any problem with that at the time and we would only ever go out at a weekend. Things have gotten progressively worse. We are now in our late 30s/ early 40s. We have 2 young DC and my husband holds down a high pressured job. There are other issues in his family life too. He drinks to cope with stress. He still doesn't drink during the week and usually manages to keep his drinking at weekends down to 2 bootles of wine and a few beers (still a lot in my opinion, I'm not a big drinker). He has had instances where he would go on a week long bender and just drink from morning to night. So far he's been hospitalised twice, once for severe dehydration the other because he hurt himself whilst drunk (fell).
At the start of the year, after yet another drunken Christmas, I contacted a solicitor to discuss divorce. My husband made promises to change. I felt I owed it to the kids to try. He stopped drinking, started therapy and for a few months life was great. I fell back in love with him. The kids, especially our eldest were benefiting from having an involved dad and we were happy.
I finally agreed to sell our house and look for something bigger. Something he's wanted to do for ages but I was reluctant to do due to the situation. We've accepted an offer on our house but haven't actually completed or found anywhere to move to yet. The kids are excited about moving to a bigger house.
That pipe dream has burst. H is currently asleep on the sofa next to me after having been drinking for the last 2 days. He had a massive go at me earlier when I asked him to confirm plans we had for tomorrow.
He had another fall off the wagon 3 weeks ago where he was drinking for 5 days, missing work in the process.
I'm done and he needs to go. I feel so stupid for falling for his lies again and again. It's affecting our DC, it's affecting me, it's no way to live. Even when he's sober, I'm constantly on edge.
I need someone to keep pushing me to leave. He'll sober up, say all the right things, may even do them for a bit but it won't be long before the house of cards falls down again.
I think I'm scared of how hard it will be. The kids don't fully understand, they will be heart broken. The big house they've been imagining is going to be a much smaller house as that's all I'll be able to afford. We'll be OK financially but no where near as comfortable as now. I just keep coming up with excuses.
Sorry this is long and I'm rambling. Just getting this down on "paper". Thank you for reading if you're still here.

As a sober alcoholic what @DancingMammoth says is very true. Clearly your daughters accident wasn't his breaking point. He'll either reach that or he won't but you're doing the right thing by not hanging around to find out.

Sorry to hear about your husband @DancingMammoth, for me sobriety was a revelation and I live for the joy in daily healthy sober life. I've never been happier.

@theemmadilemma is fabulous hearing from someone who is now sober and enjoying life. Well done. That's a brilliant achievement.

I will take that compliment thank you! 😁

Your story is mine but many years apart.
My DH stopped going to work, sat at home drinking. Was verbally abusive, gaslighted me, left me alone in an unknown city centre in a country where I didn’t speak a word of the language, started to threaten me…. It’s always seems to be a downward spiral, never an upward one with alcoholism.
He also wanted to sell the house and as soon as it was he decided we should take off to America and travel ( spending the equity of course) We lived in the house I owned, he still owned an investment property so had the income from that ( til he stopped bothering with it, didn’t pay bills and had it repossessed but that was in the future)
Luckily we moved into a rented property ( which I paid for as he was “unavailable” when the deposit etc had to be paid) I withdrew my enabling, refused to supply money, refused to buy him alcohol. That was when he showed his true colours , became more threatening, more nasty, drove his car drunk.
I started looking for another job and as soon as I got one, rented a flat and left. Didn’t tell him I was going. Never saw him again.
Your husband will drag you down, you’ll walk on eggshells 24/7, your children will learn to do the same.
Find a way, anyway to get out. Call Women’s Aid, get any help you can.
Trying to get your husband to take any responsibility , see the error of his ways is fruitless, totally pointless.
Feel free to pm me if you want.

Thank you @Namele

Well done @Sapphirensteel 👏

@Sapphirensteel so much of that sounds familiar. I'm sorry you had to go through all that. Well done for getting out. You sound like an incredibly strong person although I'm sure it must have taken a lot to make that break.

Quick update: H was still drinking yesterday which makes this the longest binge he's ever had. He's been asleep on the sofa all day so hopefully we're over the worst of this one but who knows.

I've submitted all my documentation to my solicitor yesterday and paid the first invoice. Had confirmation earlier that all is in place and they'll be drafting my petition shortly.

I also spoke to Al-Anon earlier today. Spoke to a lovely chap and it was nice just to be listened to by someone who's been there. He's given me details of meetings near me. Most of them are in the evening slap bang in the middle of dinner and bedtime for the kids but I'll see what I can do. The timing even means that online meetings won't work either but I'm sure I can sort something. Would be good to speak to others.

Thank you all for your wise words and for sharing your own experiences. It's really helping me. One day at a time.

Another one here who lost my marriage to alcohol.
Took me far too long too, in fact I should never had married him.
But I feel so much better on my own
Wishing you all the luck for the future op.
Does he know you've filed for divorce?

You are not stupid. You are a loving caring woman who's done her best to fight for her family. I know bits about this. My recent ex was sober. He will be 2 years sober in July. But I just wanted to tell you he wasn't a nice guy. Him getting sober didn't make him nice.

He was angry.
Short tempered
Awful with money.
Befriended wrong uns near his house.
Smoked weed for the pain he was in physically.
He was emotionally trapped back in the past. Felt guilty for everything with his ex. She was always messaging him and he was still weak to her.
I was his emotional punch bag. I was his therapist. I was his nurse. His cheerleader. In return he lent on me for money and attention. He took me for granted. He never put me first. He had no interest in me. Nothing for my birthday etc.

So even if you get him sober don't expect anything nice.

I hope this helps x

@fedup078 no he doesn't. Hasn't been sober enough to talk to. This may have to wait until later this week. I'm mentally preparing myself for all the empty promises of change in the meantime.

@Strawberrydelight55 that sounds horrible and I'm glad you're out of that relationship. H isn't exactly horrible when sober he's perfectly pleasant but there's a myriad of other issues. He shows me no respect, doesn't value me, takes me for granted, contributes nothing other than working and picking the kids up in the evening. Take the drinking out and we're not exactly in a happy and equal partnership either. Basically I'm already a single mother with an added person in the house who adds nothing to the household. I should divorce him on that basis alone.

Just came on to wish you luck and say that you are definitely doing the right thing.

Posted too soon! On a practical point it may be worth checking for online meetings of Al- Anon. I suspect there will be many from all around the world at any time you care to attend. Not as good as face to face but a whole lot better than nothing

Yeah I guess you've seen him sober to be fair. But there's just not a balance with men like this is there? It's uneven and unfair.
I'm in therapy and trying to make peace with what feels like 18 months down the pan of my life and lots of money along with it. I put my heart and soul into him.
I know going forward I'll avoid troubled men. You can't fix them and they won't become perfect.
I hope you find a way

Al-Anon was an absolute life saver for me.
The 3 Cs of Al-Anon: You didn’t cause it. You can’t control it. You can’t cure it.
Good luck.

If he comes to you with promises of change, tell him you're still going ahead with the divorce and separation, and if he's resolute to sorting this out, you'll have a conversation with him in 24 months time. And only then, if YOU want to, will you even think about the possibility of getting back together. This gives him plenty of time to show you he's changed and he also has to put your feelings first and let you go. It may also make the divorce discussions easier

The promises of change will only last until he feels the need for his next binge, and in the context of everything else you've said about your relationship, I think life without him will be so much better. Being a single mum isn't that bad. It can be very tough financially, but being fully in charge of your life and not having an alcoholic hanging like a millstone around your neck is very liberating.

Friends partner is currently dying of organ failure due to alcoholism in her early 60s. Her life was miserable for the last 10 years.

So glad you are divorcing, it's no life to sit by and watch someone drink themselves to death.

Thank you all. You're all right of course. The idea of staying and watching him slowly kill himself is upsetting and if it's upsetting for me how awful would it be for the DC?
Even if he does promise to sober up and do all the right things we still need to separate. I firmly believe that if I stay he won't change as he'll always have me to pick up the pieces. I would honestly love nothing more than for him to get better and live a long, healthy and happy life but I don't think that can happen while we're under the same roof.
I'll keep checking in here as the next few weeks and months will be hard and I'll need all the support I can get.

Quick update: he's got the draft divorce petition and assuming he's OK with the wording it should get filed next week. (No fault divorce so nothing contentious). He agrees that we are better off separated. He's also agreed to look for somewhere to rent while we're sorting the divorce which is a relief. The thought that he could be out of here in a few months is so good. I can't wait to have some freedom. Things are all very amicable at the moment and I'm hoping it'll stay that way.
He's agreed to have the kids every other weekend and one weeknight a week. (Can't possibly be any more as he needs to work, don't you know?) Anyway it suits me. I don't want him to have them more than that.
I've also told my family. They live abroad and pretty much all of them have said they are looking forward to coming to see me. H has always made them feel very unwelcome. Things are looking up. I'm so excited to have them come and stay with me. I'm also taking the kids over there in summer for 2 weeks. I just hope that we can get through the divorce without too many disagreements.

Will he be safe to have the DCs at a weekend if he's been on a bender?

That's a good update. I do share HazelBite's concerns around the DCs' safety when with him overnight if he drinks, but that's a bridge to be crossed when you come to it. Keep things amicable until you're fully divorced, if it all goes tits up afterwards at least you'll have the freedom to act.

I completely agree that there a risk but I do feel that the risk is manageable at the moment. I will obviously keep a close eye and may suggest video calls etc when the kids are with him, at least while they are so small.
For now I am mostly trying to keep the peace to ensure we can get through this amicably.

You have given your children the most precious gift. Well done.

OP Im so sorry this is happening to you. I can speak with some experience on this. I had someone living in my home - when I was a child - who was in the very early states of alcoholism. Even then I knew something was wrong. It may well be that your DH has every intention of staying sober but the illness is stronger than his will power and until he seeks proper help and stays with it the alcohol will always win. The person who lived with us died at quite a young age as a result of that illness. unfortunately people with addiction tend to suffer with so many other health issues stemming from their illness. It so unfair to you and the children to keep having to live this way. Especially you - as a previous poster said you are now the alcohol police in the house - he is not a partner to you. Please put yourself and your children first.