Please help me leave alcoholic husband

[Namele]

My husband is a high functioning alcoholic. He always liked a drink. We met when I was in my early 20s and we used to have a very active social life mostly revolving around the pub. I didn't see any problem with that at the time and we would only ever go out at a weekend. Things have gotten progressively worse. We are now in our late 30s/ early 40s. We have 2 young DC and my husband holds down a high pressured job. There are other issues in his family life too. He drinks to cope with stress. He still doesn't drink during the week and usually manages to keep his drinking at weekends down to 2 bootles of wine and a few beers (still a lot in my opinion, I'm not a big drinker). He has had instances where he would go on a week long bender and just drink from morning to night. So far he's been hospitalised twice, once for severe dehydration the other because he hurt himself whilst drunk (fell).
At the start of the year, after yet another drunken Christmas, I contacted a solicitor to discuss divorce. My husband made promises to change. I felt I owed it to the kids to try. He stopped drinking, started therapy and for a few months life was great. I fell back in love with him. The kids, especially our eldest were benefiting from having an involved dad and we were happy.
I finally agreed to sell our house and look for something bigger. Something he's wanted to do for ages but I was reluctant to do due to the situation. We've accepted an offer on our house but haven't actually completed or found anywhere to move to yet. The kids are excited about moving to a bigger house.
That pipe dream has burst. H is currently asleep on the sofa next to me after having been drinking for the last 2 days. He had a massive go at me earlier when I asked him to confirm plans we had for tomorrow.
He had another fall off the wagon 3 weeks ago where he was drinking for 5 days, missing work in the process.
I'm done and he needs to go. I feel so stupid for falling for his lies again and again. It's affecting our DC, it's affecting me, it's no way to live. Even when he's sober, I'm constantly on edge.
I need someone to keep pushing me to leave. He'll sober up, say all the right things, may even do them for a bit but it won't be long before the house of cards falls down again.
I think I'm scared of how hard it will be. The kids don't fully understand, they will be heart broken. The big house they've been imagining is going to be a much smaller house as that's all I'll be able to afford. We'll be OK financially but no where near as comfortable as now. I just keep coming up with excuses.
Sorry this is long and I'm rambling. Just getting this down on "paper". Thank you for reading if you're still here.

H has sobered up and is just pretending like nothing happened. I think he's expecting everything to just go back to normal. He's in for a shock. I'll tell him about the divorce tonight once the kids are in bed. I'm also going to ask him to move out. Wish me luck.

Good luck from me. You're doing the right thing, stand firm. If he turns nasty or aggressive, call the police.

He's full of Remorse now. Promised to never drink again, go to AA speak to his GP... begged me to give him another chance. I said that I heard it all before, given him chance after chance but sostenuto it's different now.
I am so utterly heartbroken and sad that it has come to this.

*Apparently, not sure what sostenuto is

This is part of the cycle. I heard this so many times - it always came to nothing, the alcohol always came first.

I hope it does feel different for you now - that might mean you have found the detachment you need to save yourself and your DC.

@Namele yes I heard all that too word for word
Once he got his foot back in the door none of that happened and he sulked because he couldn't drink and blamed me, saying he felt like a scolded child. I didn't fall for it again

@Namele you are so brave! Don't listen, he will do it all again. My DH promised last week that was it, no more! I'm a twat as he is not back yet from a match and I can't imagine he's been on water. So go for it and good for you!

And I'll be honest I'm scared. Sorry I should have put that. It's no way to be. You're doing the right thing OP.

He can't stop. Not without serious help. But that's not your responsibility. Well done for protecting your kids.

Well done for taking that step, OP.

Speaking as the child of an alcoholic you owe it to your kids to leave!

Addicts lie - always, repeatedly, convincingly

Also, being raised in an addicts home makes it more likely your kids will develop addiction themselves or other mh issues, more likely to attain less well educationally and subsequently that affects their socio-economic status too, are more likely to marry/enter a long relationship with an addict too

Was either of your parents a compulsive personality type? An addict?

Addiction comes in many forms some of which are not yet fully acknowledged by society

Of the 3 of us, I have severe mh issues mainly ocd (mostly borne out of a compulsive need to control my environment at heart), my brother is pretty tightly wound and my sister is an addict (otc meds)

You owe it to yourself too. To live a life free of the stress this causes and not be living a life of treading on eggshells and dreading the next binge, him losing his job or even coming to serious harm as a result

The non addict parents often think the kids don't/haven't noticed and/or aren't affected trust me they do. Even very young ones modify their behaviour and sense the tension and that is unhealthy for them

They'll promise you the moon on a stick but cannot deliver.

I have a family FULL of addicts (there is much research that a genetic factor plays a part) - alcohol, drugs (street and prescription and otc), gambling, spending, exercise, work... the "substance" isn't the issue it's the behaviour that has to be recognised, acknowledged and addressed by the addict.

None of them were able to get clean/sober alone. Those that are now clean/sober had a lot of support from various avenues and agencies and have continued to accept that support for decades. I'm a firm believer that once an addict always an addict. You can be in recovery but never cured, not least because the brain chemistry and in some cases physiology are altered by the addiction.

Some have used AA, some their gps, some other addiction support and recovery programmes.

Some never tried to get clean/sober and have now passed away as a result - that's totally heartbreaking

Some occasionally try to get clean/sober alone but I've not seen that work yet.

There are 3 facts as someone who loves an addict you need to know

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You cannot cure it

The only person who can do anything about it is the addict. And only if they genuinely want to stop - not if they're doing it to placate someone else or prove a point or even court ordered addiction treatment ime. It's not until they are ready to face it does anything change.

Alcohol is actually one of the worst because it's everywhere, it's legal, it's cheaply available and it doesn't generally kill quickly it can kill but usually fairly slowly and very painfully. It is not only the liver that is affected it's the whole body. Every system, every cell.

Some of the effects are reversible many are not. Some of the alcoholics in my family quit fairly young and then when older but not old died of alcohol induced conditions that were due to irreversible damage done when they were drinking but which didn't present until they were older. It can be sneaky like that.

You have to do what is best for you and the dc.

I think the lies are the worse
Both my stbxh and mother weren't the sort of people to lie about anything else in life apart from to cover their drinking
Bare faced lies
My mother once sat in front of me 3 sheets to the wind with a glass of Bacardi and swore blind she hasn't touched a drop all day
On the day I finally decided to end my marriage my husband told me I was 'mental and just looking for a fight and no he absolutely had not had a glass of wine that morning' I'd made a mark on the bottle so I know he had
These were professional people too. A senior staff nurse and a head of dept teacher. It really does mess with your head

Just adding another post in support. Please believe you are doing the right thing for you and your children to leave. My dad was a violent alcoholic - the damage runs deep.

@fedup078. Oh yes the lies are awful and sometimes make you feel like you’re going crazy. My ex used to mix vodka in a can of Coke. I once tried some and he claimed there was no vodka in it. Even when I suggested in that case I could give some to our 3 year old ( I never would have), he still maintained his lie that it had no alcohol so it. He would rather have given a 3yo something poisonous than admit he was lying to me.

Alcoholism turns people into loathsome, selfish liars who prioritise drinking over anything and everyone.

OP, good luck with staying strong. You know that his words and claims are empty and meaningless. It’ll won’t be easy but you can build a happy, stress-free life for you and your children.

Good luck. Take it from someone who knows, it will be hellish untangling everything and the children will suffer. But it won't last for ever. You'll leave him and you and the kids will find peace. And remember- when he tries to tell you he'll change - he won't and the drinking will continue to ruin everyone's lives. Get out and be happy.

Stick to your guns.

You will know whether he means to change and get healthy if he does it even if you divorce. He can only get sober and get in recovery for himself and because he wants to change and be a good co-parent. Promises made to you will not be kept. He needs to make promises to and for himself and have professional help to be able to keep them.

None of this is your fault. You can’t make him become sober; if he carries on drinking when you leave, he is/was always going to continue drinking. You need to protect your children and yourself. He needs to hit rock bottom before he’ll change. I have found in my own experience that the wine drinkers who manage a few dry days a week are the worst for recovery, because they don’t see it as problematic. If he’s not going to have a drinking rock bottom (because “alcoholics don’t drink nice wine”) then he needs a life one, which could be you sticking to your guns with divorce.

Good luck with next steps. You are 100% doing the right thing.

Thank you all. I need to hear all those things today. I can feel myself wavering as I watched him with the kids this morning. It pains me so much to think of the life they could have had. I need reminding that they will never have that family life and whatever he is promising now won't last. I really hope from the bottom of my heart that this is the wake up call he needs and that he can clean himself up for the sake of his kids. But I can't be a part of this anymore. It is too much and I need to step away. I think that I am quite clear on that now.
He on the other hand has not accepted that it is over yet. He will continue pleading I guess until he's had his divorce papers delivered. Despite all the things that he has put us through, I feel awful for inflicting this on to him. And yes, I know, he has done this to himself, but it still feels terrible.
I've taken my wedding bands off yesterday which feels weird. Just taking one step at a time. Did some yoga this morning before everyone got up. It felt good. Back at work this week, so going to be busy but at least I'll be distracted.
Thank you to all of you sharing your experiences. You are all amazing and it's helping me no end to hear all of them. It reminds me that this is a cycle and that the only way this is going to get better is if I remove myself and the kids from this situation.

He will keep doing it you're right. After what felt like the first heartfelt apology from my h, he repeated his horrible drunkenness last night. He literally just ran away back upstairs from the sofa when I came down. He's gross. I'm losing all respect for him. Good luck today OP, you are right keep going!

It is good that you are in the process of selling.It means there are no chances for him to stay. Hope he can not delay it . Take your half and get away from him. The kids will get over the new house disappointment .
My neighbour , a lovely lady spiralled into a complete non functioning alcoholic. It was heartbreaking to see how it affected her three sons , each differently. She died at 53 . Luckily , her boys were supported all along by AlAnon and therapy and have thrived in their lives , although I know that it is only on the surface and I have no idea how they truly feel.

It is a shame for him but it is not something that you can change for him. Alcoholics are supremely selfish and manipulative as nothing is as important as the next drink.Not you , kids , family , work . Just wish him well in his journey that hopefully will lead to recovery. But you will not be wasting your or your DCs time with him.

Leaving is the right thing to do. My husband is a recovering alcoholic and one thing I did understand about drinking is they DO NOT CARE about you, kids job or even themselves. The sober period is just a gap between his drinking and I can promise you that he is thinking about it every day and night. This is the thing that partners of alcoholic think that if they will act in certain way or whatever things will change, they never will unless alcoholic will seek recovery by his own means not because of family or anything else. My husband almost died literally from overdrinking and even then he didn't see a problem until he admitted it that he will die carrying on like that and that was the day I left him inpatient rehab. And what I learned, sometimes I over hear some fragments from his AA meetings, and they all say the same thing- they wanted to drink and nothing and no one couldn't stop them. They all did hitting a rock bottom and realised that THEY wanted to change and not because someone else asked them to until then they happily will trade their marriage, kids and job for a bottle and will make endless promises what will fail very shortly. And another thing I learned from the same, they cannot help themselves either, they will do anything to enable themselves to drink and guess what, there will be 1000s reasons and blame shifting to all directions apart from the obvious one. I'm saying all of this because you say you want him to sober up and talk, but that's endless circle and totally pointless. He will promise you change and whatever you want to hear and even can believe it himself until the next drink which is not going to be long. Do the right thing, kids don't need a bigger house, they need a happy house. My husband is recovering but honestly I can say we are absolutely drifting apart and there is such a thing as dry drunk. Since his recovery, he became very selfish, nasty piece of work feeling sorry for himself. So that's my personal experience. Good luck Xx

@Beelzebop I totally lost all respect for mine
Even if he sorted himself out now I wouldn't take him back for all the money in the world
Life is so much better without him here

@fedup078. Yes I can imagine that happening in my case.

Hi OP @Namele

I am on the other side and this post has been hard reading for me actually.

Please if you have time watch this clip:

There is a part where they say “detach with love” - that really struck me.

You are doing the right thing for yourself and for your children - absolutely no argument from me on that.

Addicts are hurting. I am an ACOA. I never ever wanted this addiction. Never ever. And i am tormented by it. Just in case you are wondering why he doesn’t just stop.

Regardless - press on with your plans. And take care of yourself and your children.

Pm me anytime.

I'd give him one more chance but state happens again he's moving out. Divorce means nothing. He needs to be put out if happens again. I've booked a holiday abroad for me and kids next year no dh. He doesn't know yet. He has ruined the past 3. He hates been abroad he says prefers seaside. But when we have been to seaside he ruined that as well . So my plan next year will be holiday for me and kids and a weekend break at Filey with him. I think I'm starting to pull away emotionally now. It's hard.

I feel weird. We had a pleasant ish evening last night just watching TV. Talked about DCs upcoming birthday party but not much else. I need to remind him that we need to discuss the way forward and him moving out or us selling the house and both moving on whichever he prefers. I don't care as long as we are not living under the same roof. Felt odd yesterday though as it just felt so normal but deep down I know it shouldn't feel normal.

@Christmasfairy2020, I know that feeling around holidays too well. H only really binges when he has the time off work so any upcoming holiday, Christmas etc is just a nightmare. They make me really anxious and worried. Makes me feel sick. I was in your place about 18 months ago and I just booked a holiday for me and the kids. I told him too as I said that I didn't want to go on holiday with him ever again. But then Covid hit and that holiday got cancelled. Things improved at the start of this year and foolishly I thought we could try a holiday again. Not go away for more than a few days but take a week or so off....well I was wrong. I hope your trip to Filey will go well, but I fear that it may not. Feel free to message me if you need support. I know exactly how you feel. I may not be much help, but at least I can listen and empathise.

I've booked some flights for me and the kids for October half term. Going to see my family. Haven't seen them since Feb last year. Really excited.

Still need the courage to press home the point that our marriage is over. It just didn't feel right last night. It will probably never feel right and the longer I leave it the longer he thinks that everything is back to normal again. Solicitor appointment tomorrow.