Should I Let Her Husband Go Too?

[Perriwinkles]

So, I am female. I have a male childhood friend. He met his now wife and she and I hit it off … in time. I made a huge effort with her & wanted to make sure she knew just how platonic her husband and I were. A true friendship then developed.

Roll on 8 years later and she and I had got very very close. Then one day, it all imploded. I thought it was a bad fight (& our only ever fight) but she cut me out entirely even though we had left each other on good terms that day. I was devastated & asked for an explanation. She wrote me a nasty text that I didn’t know she was capable of. I had never been so close to a friend & it affected me terribly. I spoke to a therapist about it and lost a lot of sleep.

Her husband, my long-standing friend, still makes an effort to maintain his friendship with me — we see each every once every few months and some texts. The problem is that every time I see him I am re-triggered. The friendship break-up cut me deep and seeing him opens up the wound every single time. It takes me weeks to recover. I have never once brought any of this up with him and I never discuss her with him. He brings her up though as he is consumed by her.

What do you think? Should I try to slowly phase him out too? The problem is … He’s universally adored! He’s one of those guys who doesn’t see people often but puts on his game face when he sees them and so ‘the gang’ all love him (when they see him at get-togethers, weddings etc.).

I want to move on (as I know she has) but what should I do?

@beastlyslumber

I've had a couple of very intense friendships that ended badly and I was very hurt and in one case, massively traumatised
Y’see this is the thing. I was traumatised by it all. The three of us were very close friends. When I see him and he talks about her as though nothing has happened, I really don’t know how to react. So I don’t react. And then the sadness comes out afterwards. The day he made snide remarks at me, it took me a while to get over it. I always feel worse for seeing him.

Do the group know about the falling out with his wife?

If so then they would understand that the friendship with him might just fade.

[quote Perriwinkles]@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Or C) Cut out the drama and just stop contacting him

But I don’t . I just reply when he contacts me. It’s too rude and mean not to reply to a childhood friend.[/quote]
Not when the "friend" is treating you the way this one has. It's not rude at all to cut contact. If you want to fade out gradually, reply to every 3rd message he sends, ignoring the other messages and not being apologetic for doing so. Make excuses to avoid meeting up one to one. If he manages to manipulate you into agreeing a date/time, be flaky and cancel last minute because "something has come up" or fein illness, then don't offer to rearrange. Over time reply to fewer and fewer messages and never contact him first. Eventually he'll stop contacting you. When you've had no contact for 6 months, change your phone number and don't give him the new one.

@QueenHofScotland

Yes I do think he likes me.

Especially as he sounds like one of life’s “popular people” who people seem to like for no apparent reason. I can understand why the OP is worried. Although it’s a shame she can’t be honest with the rest of the group

This is it precisely … but I feel if I tell the group what happened that that’s involving them and/or bitching about the couple?

Triangulation is when someone pulls a third person into a situation in order to deflect attention from a problem or attack the other person.

So in your case, this guy uses you to create tension and jealousy and bad feeling in his wife. E.g. he might say things like 'saw Perri, she's looking really slim at the moment' (to his just-given-birth wife). Or like when he tells you his wife is 'better than ever' in order to trigger your bad feelings about the break up of your friendship.

It will often also be outright lies. "Spoke to Perri, she said you aren't good enough for me and she can't understand why I'm with you. Obviously I told her how wrong she is, but I thought you'd want to know."

This is another reason to suspect he instigated or encouraged your falling out. Much easier to manipulate and lie when you and his wife can't talk with each other to check what's really been said.

@diddl
No, I didn’t tell them.

I really don't understand why he's mentioning you seeing the new baby when he knows that you and his wife fell out. So can you not give him that reason for not wanting to ?

Thanks @Hummingbird1950
That’s a fairly clear way of describing how to cut someone out … I’m pretty polite and always reply to messages etc. I wish there was a way of doing it without appearing rude … but maybe there isn’t.

@Perriwinkles

It’s so frustrating as I feel people just really don’t know what he’s really like.

And you do and you are still infatuated with him. Not sexually infatuated but mooning over him, obsessing about him and willing to put up with his unpleasantness just to be part of his life.

I'm sure other people are just as aware of this mans imperfections as you are. People aren't stupid. The difference is that just see him as one of many mates they see once in a while who, whilst imperfect, is very good company on the occasional night out and that's enough for them. That doesn't seem enough for you , you seem determined to have some sort of special relationship with him (and previously with his wife.). I have a sneaking feeling that this special relationship only exists in your head and it's causing you to have very low standards in this friendship.

What is it about this man that meant you valued him and his opinion more than that of your exDH?

@butterpuffed

Thank you! You’re right. I’m going to say
‘To be honest, I’d find it sad to meet [your son] given that [your wife] & I are no longer in contact, at her request. It just wouldn’t feel right. He looks so gorgeous though and I’m very happy for you.’
What about that?

I would either phase both of them out entirely, sounds like too much drama to me. Or I'd ask him directly, you may find he has a very different view or she hasn't talked to him about it much and he's not aware. I'd tend to the first option though!

Maybe I’m naive but it seems a bit insulting to the OP to dismiss the idea that he might like her and her company - doesn’t mean he’s a good friend though!

Not my intention to insult! I could be wrong, but the picture I'm getting of this guy is that he's basically a narcissist. Very good at superficial charm, everyone loves him, but the people closest to him see a different side. He is disrespecting his wife by maintaining contact with the OP, and he uses the OP's falling out with the wife as a way of upsetting her. He may well like the OP (I'm sure she is very likable!) but I don't think it's what's relevant here. He uses her to prop up his image of himself and to triangulate his wife.

@beastlyslumber

Thanks for explaining that. I don’t think he instigated the fallout - it’s a gross inconvenience to him! But I do think he engages in some triangulation and I think they both did.

@Perriwinkles

To answer a PP, yes he did try to arrange for me to meet his son once but I genuinely couldn’t as he gave me a 20 minute window of his time with no notice!

That doesn't sound like a friend to me.

Would you have gone running if you could have?

I think he keeps in touch as he feels that he is doing you a favour by giving you any scraps that he deigns to.

@Confusedandshaken
The truth is others aren’t aware of his imperfections. He turns a switch in public. I’ve seen it. You should hear how people talk about him - as though he’s perfect - but they only see him for limited amounts of time when he can keep it up!

I have a sneaking feeling that this special relationship only exists in your head and it's causing you to have very low standards in this friendship
This isn’t true. I was her chief bridesmaid.

"The truth is others aren’t aware of his imperfections."

But you have & still can't end the friendship!

@Confusedandshaken

But you’re right about the low standards and that came up in therapy. He has made all kinds of horrible jibes at me that he wouldn’t to others. It makes me so sad … & yes, angry.
I did look up to him and regret not listening to my ex, who was the voice of reason in all of this.

@diddl

Yes I did in the past but I won’t again.

I always feel worse for seeing him.

He's not your friend, he's someone toxic in your life who hurts you and for whatever reason you've decided to keep going back for more.

Take control.

She's ended the friendship with you.

Trying to be friend with him makes you feel shit.

So neither of them are you friends.

And this sounds horrible but they won't be as outraged as you think they will if you just don't send something for the baby and stop replying.

They'll get on with their lives and so will you. You'll see him at social events and be civil, because you're all grown ups.

Youll be annoyed he's charming everyone when you know he's a prick but that's a small price to pay in comparison to having a 'friend' who is actually a toxic person in your life.

I think you're scared to cut the cord because you are worried he'll talk to people about you and you'll be the bad guy - is that right? If so, you can't live your life being held to ransom by stuff like that as an adult, it's exhausting and miserable.

You need to take a massive step back and look at this objectively. She is no longer your friend and wants nothing to do with you. Inexplicably her husband thinks he can still maintain a nice friendship with you despite his wife thinking so little of you now.

There's nothing in this situation but negativity for you. At all.

It's increasingly clear in your messages that you don't even think that much of him - he sounds like a prick. It's just he's been in your life for a long time and you're also scared he will bad mouth you I think.

Well sometimes people we've known for a long time are bad for us and sometimes people will bad mouth us to others - that's life! Your true friends won't listen to it and will have your back, shit friends won't and who wants them anyway?!

It's all got really teenage and toxic and I think you're too close to it to see that but hopefully this thread might stop you in your tracks.

I think he keeps in touch as he feels that he is doing you a favour by giving you any scraps that he deigns to
It certainly feels like that!

[quote Perriwinkles]@beastlyslumber

He's shown he's not a friend - he's using you to triangulate his wife, and her to triangulate you. Just cut him out of your life. Please don't send a card or anything like that. They don't care about you. They will just use it as ammunition against you. Just go silent. It's the most effective tool you have

Thank you. You’re probably right. My therapist used the term triangulation too…this was even before the fallout. But what does triangulation mean exactly?[/quote]
Using something or someone to make someone else insecure and jealous. So with you, he keeps contacting you, acting all pally even after you fell out with his wife, making you think he's your friend. Then deliberately makes you feel like shit (which is confusing for you) by going on about his&her fabulous life and how happy she is (the inference being, without you in her life). Keeping you hooked into his sick twisted game out of politeness and your misplaced sense of duty that you owe him friendship because you've known each other so long. With his wife, he stays in contact with someone who she severely dislikes (you), which action tells her you're more important to him than she is, so making her feel bad. She's married to him so she's trapped in his sick twisted game too, unless one day she has enough and divorces him. You now they argue, they're/she's not as happy as he makes out.

And to be honest, if I made it clear I didn't want anything to do with someone and wanted to go no contact, I would find it really fucking weird my husband was inviting that person to meet our new baby.

He just sounds like a dickhead OP, the type that says whatever will make the person in front of him the happiest / most impressed / most on side. A chameleon.

His attitude towards your ex husband is fucking horrible too and I personally wouldn't have wanted to continue a friendship with someone who looked down their nose at my partner.

He smiles at you while he reaches round and sticks the knife in your back. And you think not replying to his messages is rude.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I think you're scared to cut the cord because you are worried he'll talk to people about you and you'll be the bad guy - is that right? If so, you can't live your life being held to ransom by stuff like that as an adult, it's exhausting and miserable
Yes

[quote Perriwinkles]@youvegottenminuteslynn

I think you're scared to cut the cord because you are worried he'll talk to people about you and you'll be the bad guy - is that right? If so, you can't live your life being held to ransom by stuff like that as an adult, it's exhausting and miserable
Yes[/quote]
So she doesn't want to be your friend.

He says he wants to be yours which is disrespectful to his wife at this stage and by your own admission you feel shit every time you see him.

And you are friends with him now largely because you're afraid that if you aren't, he will talk shit about you to people.

All three of you are adults. It's time to stop this madness - none of you want to be actual, good, nice friends anymore! The ship has sailed. Be the one to drop the rope.