Should I Let Her Husband Go Too?

[Perriwinkles]

So, I am female. I have a male childhood friend. He met his now wife and she and I hit it off … in time. I made a huge effort with her & wanted to make sure she knew just how platonic her husband and I were. A true friendship then developed.

Roll on 8 years later and she and I had got very very close. Then one day, it all imploded. I thought it was a bad fight (& our only ever fight) but she cut me out entirely even though we had left each other on good terms that day. I was devastated & asked for an explanation. She wrote me a nasty text that I didn’t know she was capable of. I had never been so close to a friend & it affected me terribly. I spoke to a therapist about it and lost a lot of sleep.

Her husband, my long-standing friend, still makes an effort to maintain his friendship with me — we see each every once every few months and some texts. The problem is that every time I see him I am re-triggered. The friendship break-up cut me deep and seeing him opens up the wound every single time. It takes me weeks to recover. I have never once brought any of this up with him and I never discuss her with him. He brings her up though as he is consumed by her.

What do you think? Should I try to slowly phase him out too? The problem is … He’s universally adored! He’s one of those guys who doesn’t see people often but puts on his game face when he sees them and so ‘the gang’ all love him (when they see him at get-togethers, weddings etc.).

I want to move on (as I know she has) but what should I do?

Thanks. He shouldn’t have been confiding but she did it too and she did it in much more detail. I was in an awkward position and didn’t have the courage to tell them both to stop talking to me about all their issues. They also aired their dirty linen in front of me together, regularly. They’re both open books to be honest.

I laughed at the bit about the court & culprit. It just amazes me the lengths people will go to, to see him & he makes no effort with them! It’s hard as people’s love for him won’t just disappear and every time they visit me, they’ll ask if they can see him.

As for doing it gracefully, a couple of people suggested replying with a text saying how I feel. Lots others suggested not replying to texts etc. I don’t think the latter would suit me at all so it’s going to have to be the former 🙈

How’s about this for a text?

‘I know I said I’d love to meet [your son] but I think it would feel so sad given that I haven’t spoken to his mother in almost two years - at her request.

I have tried to stay in touch with you for the past two years & purposely didn’t discuss my side of it all with you or anyone else but every single time I see you, I leave your company feeling like crap as it retriggers the whole painful breach. I thought it best to just be honest with you and I hope we can continue to enjoy one another’s company in group settings and maybe in time, it’ll all be easier. I’m so very happy for ye at the birth of [your son] but I suppose just as [your wife] wrote to me, I really need to take a step back now.’

Honestly, OP. I have a lot of sympathy for your situation but as an outsider it's frustrating to see someone continuing to put themselves in a position to be hurt and traumatised when there is a very simple and effective step they can take to protect themselves and resolve the situation.

Cut these people out of your life. No contact. Cut all ties. If you see them at a party, be civil but distant, and leave if you think you won't be able to avoid them. No social media. No texts. If other friends mention them to you, change the subject. If you need to 'explain', just say, "we're not really in touch anymore" and change the subject. (But if you want to tell them the whole story, you can - it's your story, too.) Block the guy on your phone and socials so he can't hassle you. You do NOT need to explain or apologise for anything at all. Just end it. Cut contact. Done.

I promise you that people who are your true friends will not care that you don't get on with these people any more. Many people probably think this guy is a dick and you might find that out once they see you're no longer running around after him and making excuses for him. You don't know what damage he might have done to others too - damage that you may have inadvertently contributed to with your insistence on what a great guy he is.

Cutting contact doesn't make you look rude or unkind - what it makes you look like is a person who respects herself and takes care of herself. That's attractive to people.

And I think you will feel AMAZING to send a clear and undeniable message to yourself that you matter, you are worthy of kindness and respect, that you never have to put yourself down or make yourself small to suit another person, you never have to squash down your trauma and pretend someone abusing you is a friend. By taking this decisive step, you are telling yourself you are worthwhile. That will build your confidence more than anything else you could do right now.

Honestly, and I say this as a stranger trying to help just going by what you have written, you would frighten me.

It’s all too intense and teenage and you don’t seem to have any self respect nor able to see appropriate boundaries. Did she ditch you when they decided to have a baby or try to get pregnant? As (and I know this sounds horrible and want to help with this rather than hurt) I’d want you nowhere near my child from how you’ve described this relationship. People may be asking you about him and how he is for entirely different reasons than you think. Not that he’s that popular, more that you are highly focused on him therefore it’s the first thing they think of when they see you. I don’t know, maybe maybe not but it honestly doesn’t look good.

Please please for your own sake find a new path, block that man, change you phone. He seems to be clumsily trying to keep you happy and in your place without stirring anything up. He had no intention of you meeting their baby, hence the 20 minute notice. Later you can say your phone was stolen, get a new number and start again and don’t give it to them. Find new friends and hobbies and start afresh without all this angst. Leave them alone. You are a wonderful grown up with a million possibilities. Like you said it’s the perfect time for you. You will hate my post I’m sorry but I’m not sure all this overanalysing is helping you and you sound nice, if a bit scary. I wish you well.

@Perriwinkles

How’s about this for a text?

‘I know I said I’d love to meet [your son] but I think it would feel so sad given that I haven’t spoken to his mother in almost two years - at her request.

I have tried to stay in touch with you for the past two years & purposely didn’t discuss my side of it all with you or anyone else but every single time I see you, I leave your company feeling like crap as it retriggers the whole painful breach. I thought it best to just be honest with you and I hope we can continue to enjoy one another’s company in group settings and maybe in time, it’ll all be easier. I’m so very happy for ye at the birth of [your son] but I suppose just as [your wife] wrote to me, I really need to take a step back now.’

No. That will just give him fuel for more drama. It reveals your hurt and vulnerabilities. It gives him an opening to worm his way back in. It also takes a passive aggressive stab at his wife.

You don't need to say anything. Don't say anything. Just block him on everything. Then it's over. Take control and end it, OP.

IMHO I don't think there's anything wrong with slowly phasing out a friendship (particularly one that's 40 year's old) - if that's easier/the way you want to do it (and also possibly easier taking into account the implications of the wider friendship group(?).

You don't even have to phase it out completely if you don't want to at this time., or at all. You can simply wait to see how you feel/things go. They have a new baby and that will change their lives/availability in so many ways from now on, they won't know what's hit them.

But you do need to harden up and stop jumping at his beck and call - make him wait (nothing wrong with giving him a taste of his own medicine). You are not employed to do his bidding.

You have control over you and how you want to handle/play this 'friendship.'

Your eyes have been opened now - there's no turning back and you need to regain control over you what suits you and you only.

He will sense the change in dynamics, and so what if he does. He doesn't give two jots about upsetting your feelings.

There's always such excellent expertise advice from posters on threads like this, and if it was me, I would hang back and give myself the luxury of time to digest it all first.

people’s love for him won’t just disappear and every time they visit me, they’ll ask if they can see him
At which point you laugh merrily and say "What am I, a social secretary? Have you heard of this thing called social media? It's very good for contacting people directly." and then change the subject.

They will soon stop asking you. It really does just sound like they are making conversation, they associate you with organizing his previous appearances at their social events. So change the script of this and talk about yourself and what you are doing. Give them something else to associate you with.

If they ask why he's not around just say merrily, "new baby keeping him busy I expect." and that's it.

If you really, really cannot stand not to send a final text:

"Hi [narcissisticdickhead]. Apologies, I'm not going to be able to visit you and the new baby after all. Got lots on at the moment. Best wishes to you and the family."

Then block him so you don't get drawn into any more discussion/negotiation/gaslighting.

@Sunshineshow

No. That’s not what happened. She ‘ditched’ me because I expressed to her how I felt she had treated me badly and she took it as a critique. She seemed shocked and twisted my words and made it all about her. She told me at the time she never wanted a baby and that he did and confided it was a huge problem. I guess they got over that!

Also, I do not speak incessantly to friends about him as you’ve said. I’m well able to read people when they say ‘I love X. He’s such great fun! He’s so nice! My husband thought he was so funny’ etc. I’m not the psycho you seem to think I am! This thread has just been an opportunity to discuss lots of suppressed stuff in a busy life as I’m off work this week as I’ve said numerous times.

I take offence at the part about not wanting me next or near your baby. You don’t know me AT ALL and that is not how my friends IRL feel given how much of their children I see. I also do volunteer work with children and have had nothing but good feedback for almost 20 years.

However, Thanks for your post. I am sure you were well intentioned.

@Perriwinkles

Thanks.

I was advised not to bring it up with him as it’s getting him involved…I feel it is an elephant in the room but I’d be afraid to bring it up as let’s face it, he’s married to her.

FFS - he IS involved! His old mate, the OP, has been nastily cut off by his wife, & despite apparently being such good pals, OP cannot mention this to him?

He's not much of a friend if he needs to be sheltered like this.
He's not the one who's been hurt & rejected.

OP, if you can't discuss this with him straight up, he's not your friend, & yes, you should let him go to protect yourself.
If you can discuss it, why not do so, & see how you feel when you've opened the door & let the elephant out of the room?

Thanks for all of your comments. It’s true that he is involved and he’s chosen to nicely extricate himself from the whole situation.

Your eyes have been opened now - there's no turning back and you need to regain control over you what suits you and you only

He will sense the change in dynamics, and so what if he does. He doesn't give two jots about upsetting your feelings

This is true ^ and it hurts.

I think I will send a text of explanation. Otherwise he’ll continue to ring and/or text me. Also, maybe she never told him just how upset I was and maybe she never told him just how nasty her reply was and how much she twisted things.

I do feel it’s time for me to step up to the plate but I don’t think the best approach - for me - is to try to ghost him. He’s the type that would make enquiries with other friends & I don’t want him to have that power. It’ll be much more empowering for me to be honest with him at last and he can do with that honesty what he wishes, I guess …

@beastlyslumber

If you really, really cannot stand not to send a final text:

"Hi [narcissisticdickhead]. Apologies, I'm not going to be able to visit you and the new baby after all. Got lots on at the moment. Best wishes to you and the family."

Then block him so you don't get drawn into any more discussion/negotiation/gaslighting.

This is much better, if you really feel unable not to message him. I think it would be healthier not to at all but I think based on what you've said, you'd find it hard to close the door without doing so.

OP, if you can't discuss this with him straight up, he's not your friend, & yes, you should let him go to protect yourself.
If you can discuss it, why not do so, & see how you feel when you've opened the door & let the elephant out of the room?

You’re right - and I don’t want to put myself through the stress of meeting him and trying to discuss it so when he next contacts me , I’ll just reply with that text I wrote above … or a variation of it …?!

OP, if you can't discuss this with him straight up, he's not your friend, & yes, you should let him go to protect yourself. If you can discuss it, why not do so, & see how you feel when you've opened the door & let the elephant out of the room?

You’re right - and I don’t want to put myself through the stress of meeting him and trying to discuss it so when he next contacts me , I’ll just reply with that text I wrote above … or a variation of it …???

@Perriwinkles

I think I will send a text of explanation. Otherwise he’ll continue to ring and/or text me. Also, maybe she never told him just how upset I was and maybe she never told him just how nasty her reply was and how much she twisted things.

I do feel it’s time for me to step up to the plate but I don’t think the best approach - for me - is to try to ghost him. He’s the type that would make enquiries with other friends & I don’t want him to have that power. It’ll be much more empowering for me to be honest with him at last and he can do with that honesty what he wishes, I guess …

You are trying to put yourself between husband and wife here and it won't work - he will take her side and you will be hurt all over again . You sound besotted with him and 12 pages on you are still thinking he cares about you in some way.

I think I will send a text of explanation. Otherwise he’ll continue to ring and/or text me. Also, maybe she never told him just how upset I was and maybe she never told him just how nasty her reply was and how much she twisted things.

Please, please, please don't do this. He will use it to hurt you.

He doesn't need an explanation. He doesn't care about you. I promise you this is not his wife twisting things - she might be, but he doesn't care about that. He likes twisting things to and no doubt encourages her. It entertains him to keep you around. You're handy to use against his wife when he wants to make her feel bad. It suits him to have someone adore him and look up to him. He enjoys hurting you because it makes him feel powerful and important.

You are giving him all the power. He will use it to hurt you.

If you have to text, do something along the lines of my suggestion above. Grey rock. It will feel much better than the shitstorm you are about to unleash with your 'honest explanation'.

This is so true @ChargingBuck

He's not much of a friend if he needs to be sheltered like this. He's not the one who's been hurt & rejected

Thanks for putting it so succinctly.

@beastlyslumber

Thank you. Honestly though he’s not that evil. I really think he likes me (as a friend obviously) and always has. He’s not without feeling despite being fairly uninvolved in all that’s happened. My text might be a touch too detailed but I do need to give a friend of 40 years some explanation from the horse’s mouth instead of him seeking explanation elsewhere (which is exactly what he’d do - I know him VERY well).

The friend and his wife sound awful to me.
It's noticeable too that once you broke up with your dh the woman engineered a break up with you.
Some women see all single women as a threat.
Your friend may keep in touch but it will be on her terms.
Personally I'd drop him like a hot brick.
Nobody needs this angst in a friendship.

Sorry @perriwinkles this is the person who after seeing him you feel so traumatised that you take weeks to recover.

He's not your friend. Go ahead and send him that text which reveals all your weaknesses and see what he does with it. At the very least, he'll show it to his wife who will be (understandably) pissed off.

But look, I'm only going by YOUR words. You're the one who's told us what he's like and how he treats you and how he makes you feel. So either you were lying, or you just can't bear the thought that actually you were right.

It's like watching a car crash. Everyone can see what you're doing and are warning you to stop, but you're going to go ahead and put your foot on the accelerator and your hands over your eyes. Your obsession with this man has already caused you so much pain and anguish. I really wish for your sake you would find the courage to step away.

Thanks for your comments!

I just got a text from him!

What's he said?

Is that a coincident do you think or does his wife (sunshineshow) know about mumsnet!

I hope and presume it’s just a coincidence. It’s just a sort of open-ended bantery text. I won’t transcribe it here. Eek I probably should be careful after you mentioned his wife being on MN …

But this is what I mean. I feel bad not replying as I start putting myself in his shoes (as I would with anyone) and I start thinking ‘how would I feel if my text wasn’t answered?’ It Just feels like basic good manners y’know.