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Original poster

Why did he tell me?

126 replies

paranoidorwhatif · 19/08/2021 08:59

No for this as have other posts .
My boyfriend of a year.. both late forties rang me to tell me that he was going to meet up with a woman he met on tinder for coffee. They had a date last year but there was no spark but keep in touch now and again .
She is on holiday in the area and rang to meet for coffee. He was going to but has just rang to tell me this and that he won't be meeting her as he felt deceitful if he did meet her by not telling me . I'm stumped .
Have I got something to worry about here ? I have a very stressful day ahead which he knows about but felt the need to ring me first thing to tell me this . What the hell os going on?

OP posts:
BunnyRuddington · 19/08/2021 09:01

So he's keeping women in the background as a back up plan in case you two split?

Suprima · 19/08/2021 09:08

I wouldn’t think very fondly of this. I don’t think he is necessarily cheating. His story may well be correct- but his response should have been ‘no thank you’ and probably shouldn’t have even told you, because there is nothing to be gained.

His actions tell me that he’s peacocking a bit. “I’m going to meet an old tinder date for coffee” “Actually no I am not because it will be deceitful!” It’s all very showy.

Does he do or say anything else that makes you feel insecure?

Bythecooker · 19/08/2021 09:09

I would not worry about this. They are meeting as friends by the sound of it but he didn't want to do it behind your back. Sounds genuine and honest to me.

girlmom21 · 19/08/2021 09:10

What he's telling you is that he wants to start a friendship with a woman he met on tinder before you got together. He's checking what your boundaries are as he's not 100% sure whether or not it's appropriate as there are no romantic feelings there but because of the way he met her he knows how it could be perceived.

Personally I'd be reluctant to accept him going as there was clearly some attraction initially.
It's also strange she'd text out of the blue after a year, unless she's just come out of a relationship, as presumably they wouldn't live that far from each other if they'd met on tinder so it's not like it's the first time she'll have been in the area.

Original poster
paranoidorwhatif · 19/08/2021 09:10

Fantastic relationship. Very happy and committed. No reason for doubt ... until now

OP posts:
Viddy2021 · 19/08/2021 09:11

Why on EARTH is he considering meeting up with a Tinder match one year into your relationship...unless you're not exclusive ? Sounds like he wanted to test how you'd react. And like it's on his mind.

Original poster
paranoidorwhatif · 19/08/2021 09:12

She lives a few hundred miles away . They met while he was in the area. They text as friends now and again .
I'm going to ask him to show me his phone . I want to see what he is up to and who he is talking to . He has many female friends that he keeps in touch with .

OP posts:
Viddy2021 · 19/08/2021 09:13

And if she's only a friend, why doesn't he invite you along?

Original poster
paranoidorwhatif · 19/08/2021 09:13

He told
Me Out of guilt I think . He intended to meet her for coffee but decided not to as it would be deceitful .

OP posts:
WimpoleHat · 19/08/2021 09:13

I like @Suprima’a description of “peacocking”! But I’d just see it as that. By the sound of it, he met someone he got on well with but didn’t fancy and they’ve kept in touch. I wouldn’t necessarily see anything sinister in his going for a coffee with her.

BunnyRuddington · 19/08/2021 09:13

Why on EARTH is he considering meeting up with a Tinder match one year into your relationship...unless you're not exclusive ? Sounds like he wanted to test how you'd react. And like it's on his mind.

The OP is probably exclusive, I wouldn't be putting money on her BF being faithful though.

girlmom21 · 19/08/2021 09:14

I don't think that asking to check his phone is the healthy response here if you have the fantastic relationship that you claim to have.

WimpoleHat · 19/08/2021 09:15

I'm going to ask him to show me his phone . I want to see what he is up to and who he is talking to .

No. No. No. if you feel like that end the relationship. I’m a similar age to you - and I can tell you I’d never put up with a man saying that to me. His business is his. You trust him or you don’t.

torchh · 19/08/2021 09:15

@Bythecooker

I would not worry about this. They are meeting as friends by the sound of it but he didn't want to do it behind your back. Sounds genuine and honest to me.
Raise your standards!
Original poster
paranoidorwhatif · 19/08/2021 09:18

If we had the fantastic relationship I thought we had why is he ringing me urgently to sooth his conscience . I smell a rat

OP posts:
Orgasmagorical · 19/08/2021 09:19

I have a very stressful day ahead which he knows about but felt the need to ring me first thing to tell me this

This stands out to me. Does he have form for trying to get your attention back to him?

Original poster
paranoidorwhatif · 19/08/2021 09:19

Absolutely not . His conscience is playing at him . Buy why?

OP posts:
Suprima · 19/08/2021 09:20

@paranoidorwhatif

He told Me Out of guilt I think . He intended to meet her for coffee but decided not to as it would be deceitful .
If he told you out of genuine guilt, that’s worse because he genuinely wanted to have a coffee with a random from tinder who he had no connection with. Like why?

Doesn’t he have friends he can meet for coffee? Hobbies? He could have had a day date with you?

Don’t lower yourself into asking for his phone…

Original poster
paranoidorwhatif · 19/08/2021 09:23

What should I say to him. How do o deal with this ?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 19/08/2021 09:26

If he's genuinely broken your trust to the point of you wanting to check his phone - walk away from the relationship. Once you've reached that point there's no real way to turn back. You'll always be questioning who he's talking to.

Did you know they still talked and were friends before?

Do you feel like he's crossed a line by talking to her/agreeing to meet her? Do you feel can be resolved?

Your feelings are what's important here. You need to decide on your boundaries before we can help you move forward.

Original poster
paranoidorwhatif · 19/08/2021 09:27

I knew they had the odd chat and kept in touch . She lives hundreds of miles away and is on holiday in the area .
I really believed through his actions that he was completely committed and exclusive . Why would he tell me

OP posts:
AlmostSummer21 · 19/08/2021 09:29

Bit weird, he should have mentioned she was coming to the area and they might meet up for coffee

OR

He should have said no to her if he felt it was wrong.

But telling you he's not going to us like wanting Brownie points for simply doing the right thing.

I don't think you need to worry about him cheating, but I'd be concerned about his level of maturity wanting brownie points fit acting like a grown up

girlmom21 · 19/08/2021 09:29

I genuinely think he was unsure whether it was appropriate so wanted your permission before he met her.

Sampafie · 19/08/2021 09:30

What would looking at his phone achieve? Is that going to be a daily occurrence from here on out? Your standards for yourself need to be higher. Smh

BunnyRuddington · 19/08/2021 09:30

Why would he tell me.

Well there are a number of reasons:

  1. There's more to this than he's letting on. He's already met her and is feeling guilty.
  1. He's testing your boundaries. He wants to meet her and have your blessing for what he's about to do.
  1. He knows that you've got a busy day but needs you concentrating on him at all times.
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