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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why did he tell me?

126 replies

paranoidorwhatif · 19/08/2021 08:59

No for this as have other posts .
My boyfriend of a year.. both late forties rang me to tell me that he was going to meet up with a woman he met on tinder for coffee. They had a date last year but there was no spark but keep in touch now and again .
She is on holiday in the area and rang to meet for coffee. He was going to but has just rang to tell me this and that he won't be meeting her as he felt deceitful if he did meet her by not telling me . I'm stumped .
Have I got something to worry about here ? I have a very stressful day ahead which he knows about but felt the need to ring me first thing to tell me this . What the hell os going on?

OP posts:
Ladedada · 19/08/2021 11:31

Have you had trust issues in past relationships? I feel like you might be projecting onto this situation. You knew they still talked, if there was a problem with them being friends then you should of said something say before. It comes across like you are over reacting and if you acted like you said to him I think maybe you should worry about him breaking it off with you.

Orgasmagorical · 19/08/2021 11:49

I think it’s a good sign because he cares about how you’d feel about it. If he was deceitful he wouldn’t tell you!

If he cared about the OP he wouldn't have told her on the morning of her very stressful day, which he knew about.

To me it sounds like "Look how honest I'm being but I'm making sure you're not able to concentrate fully on your very stressful day and you can't call me up on it because I've been so open with you, you'd end up looking like the horrible one "

Opentooffers · 19/08/2021 12:25

How irritating, whatever the reason, he's burst a blissful bubble hasn't he? He should know that something like this, even getting beyond it, is going to taint your view of him going onwards.
Basically, if there is no attraction, there is no guilt and there becomes no need to mention. As there was a need to mention on his part, and he did feel guilt, either he is attracted to her, or he knows she is attracted to him. As they have both stayed in contact over the year, I'd say there is likely attraction on both sides, but they haven't progressed with it as it would be too long distance to maintain any relationship.
He's played down the no spark to make you feel less worried, nobody would bother with someone hundreds of miles away, that they had no spark with, for a year, you just wouldn't bother with a 2nd date even. It's the mutual attraction that has kept the contact up, and the distance may have kept it on a more platonic level so far, but if circumstances and proximity were to change, then this will likely develop further.
He's risked what he has with you for something that at present would not be workable, so there must be some meaning and feeling attached to it, regardless of what he protests.

He needs to decide if this 'friendship' is worth more to him than what you have, because it is BU to maintain both. If he doesn't conclude and tell you that he's going to let the past go, I think you should let him go.

MsJinks · 19/08/2021 12:36

I kept in touch for years with a date that didn’t work and met up now and again though as it was normally for alcohol drinks then we never did if either was dating - I would have already mentioned having a fella to him so we most likely wouldn’t even trouble ourselves with a coffee - he felt it was disrespectful to meet up when dating others in view of us meeting on a date though odd text was fine. I just would either have told you I was meeting for coffee and gone and been trusted hopefully or told the fella I was dating now, not gone, not mentioned it.
I always find it a call for attention to an act if you point out you could have and didn’t though not sure the meaning behind it.
Perhaps he just wanted to clarify to you he wasn’t meeting her as he is solid with you - he sounds committed to you , so even if others would behave differently it doesn’t make his decision wrong or from a bad place.

HeReWeGoAgAiN1112 · 19/08/2021 12:41

I think you are massively over reacting.
You also don’t need a space before a full stop.

paranoidorwhatif · 19/08/2021 13:05

I have massive truest issues and he knows this

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 19/08/2021 13:14

I think it’s More likely to be a ‘look at me, I’ve got other options available’ . Quite why I don’t know- perhaps he likes to keep you on your toes OP. Sounds a bit of a twat if I’m honest.

Westchesterarms · 19/08/2021 13:23

@paranoidorwhatif

I have massive truest issues and he knows this
Maybe that's why he told you then because when he thought about what he was doing, having an innocent drink, he was worried you might think he was betraying you so he cancelled. And then he wanted it to inform you asap. And because he didn't think it was that big a deal, he didn't think it would impact that much on your stressful day.

Or maybe it was something more serious. But no one on this thread can possibly know. We all bring our own experiences and prejudices. What's important is for you (not MN posters) to decide how you feel about your relationship and the motivation behind him calling you.

PissedOffAgain · 19/08/2021 15:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PissedOffAgain · 19/08/2021 15:46

Apologies - wrong thread!

summercupcake · 19/08/2021 15:52

I think this is fine, he's meeting a platonic friend for coffee, if they'd been old family friends or met at work it would be ok, but because they met through tinder he's decided to be completely honest with you, before they meet - especially considering you have trust issues I think this is a good thing (I mean....ideally he could've not met her, but maybe he wants to catch up if they are still in touch)

I'd be very careful how you react here, you could either go 'crazy jealous' on him or show a security and trust in your relationship.

Sakurami · 19/08/2021 15:53

I don't see the problem. He's in contact with a tinder date with who there was no spark with (same here). She's in the area so they arrange to meet. He agrees but then wonders if this is right since he's in a relationship with you considering how they know each other. So he told you

Regularsizedrudy · 19/08/2021 16:09

So basically the only think stopping him dumping you and dating her is the distance. Don’t be someone’s second choice.

gannett · 19/08/2021 16:12

He's being respectful of you by not meeting her behind your back.

He doesn't actually need to tell you anything if it's a platonic friend but it's a nod to the fact they met on a dating app.

Would you rather he didn't tell you, then in a couple of months mentioned he had a friend he saw occasionally who he'd met on Tinder? Would you take that well?

If you don't trust that it's platonic are you ready to be in a relationship?

Queenofsupreme · 19/08/2021 16:52

I kept in contact with a tinder date and dh wasn’t happy ( because he was attracted to me but I just saw him platonically) so I stopped the meet ups. Dh played badminton with a previous tinder date and I wasn’t happy with this so they stopped.
It’s just all a bit weird when there has been an initial attraction to meet up. However, sometimes you really do get on as friends and want to continue that.
He was perhaps in that camp and handled it badly. At least he didn’t see her behind your back. He knows the boundary now and sure he won’t repeat it!

paranoidorwhatif · 19/08/2021 20:16

So I was wrong . They've never actually met up due to distance . We've had all out war . It makes it worse for me that he entertained the idea of meeting her for a ' first date',
. He is hugely apologetic, desperately sorry for hurting me blah blah . I told him that he needed to take time to figure out why his needs aren't fulfilled by keeping up a tinder friendship when he has so much going on in his life . I'm fucking gutted . This was like a first date ... until he caught himself . As far as I'm concerned , once we met those tinderfriendships should be cut off straight away

OP posts:
paranoidorwhatif · 19/08/2021 20:20

So he was going to meet her for a coffee date rather than come me to me and comfort me?? Nah ... not good enough .

OP posts:
Queenofsupreme · 19/08/2021 20:21

Oh yeah it’s a bit odd if they never even met before

PearlyBird · 19/08/2021 20:23

@blissfulllife

Keeping you slightly insecure isn't he. That wouldn't sit well with me x
Yes quite the strategy. He wants you to be oh so glad he's choosing you. You have to be grateful for that everyday and stay on your toes in case one day he choose somebody from tinder 🙄 Bit of a turn off.
Pinkbonbon · 19/08/2021 20:23

Yeah that's utterly not on. Does she even know he has a gf? Sounds like he hasn't told her that circumstances has changed since he was last on tinder and kept her as done sort of option. Fuck that shit.

PearlyBird · 19/08/2021 20:25

Oh wow, they never met! So they're not friends.

He is just trying to date right under your nose.

paranoidorwhatif · 19/08/2021 20:28

He has told her that we're together a year .

OP posts:
paranoidorwhatif · 19/08/2021 20:30

They're chatting every few months on WhatsApp . Check ins really

OP posts:
seensome · 19/08/2021 20:40

He's trying to see if the grass is greener but disguising it as a friendship as they haven't actually met, you are totally right to think tinder friends need to be stopped as soon as your official, it's really shady behaviour, at least he's told you, I guess to ease his conscience but I would see it a big warning to leave him to it and hope she's a big disappointment for him or vice Versa he doesn't deserve your support of this.

Dating right under your nose indeed

Lovemusic33 · 19/08/2021 20:47

I’m shocked at people’s responses, I wonder if it was the other way round would the responses be the same?

I have made several friends through on line dating (been doing it way too long), I keep in contact with 4 or 5 men, I meet up with them occasionally for a coffee or for a walk, one is a very close friend but I wouldn’t cop off with any of them, if I wanted a romantic relationship with any of them it would have happened when I first dated them?
If I was in a relationship I would probably still stay in contact with them because they are just friends.

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