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Original poster

Why did he tell me?

126 replies

paranoidorwhatif · 19/08/2021 08:59

No for this as have other posts .
My boyfriend of a year.. both late forties rang me to tell me that he was going to meet up with a woman he met on tinder for coffee. They had a date last year but there was no spark but keep in touch now and again .
She is on holiday in the area and rang to meet for coffee. He was going to but has just rang to tell me this and that he won't be meeting her as he felt deceitful if he did meet her by not telling me . I'm stumped .
Have I got something to worry about here ? I have a very stressful day ahead which he knows about but felt the need to ring me first thing to tell me this . What the hell os going on?

OP posts:
Suprima · 19/08/2021 09:42

@paranoidorwhatif

I knew they had the odd chat and kept in touch . She lives hundreds of miles away and is on holiday in the area . I really believed through his actions that he was completely committed and exclusive . Why would he tell me
I don’t think he is having an affair- but it’s probably an ego boost (as most men use female company for) and there is some potential that he’s keeping her on the back burner just in case.

It isn’t normal to befriend people from Tinder and keep in touch as pen pals.

Original poster
paranoidorwhatif · 19/08/2021 09:57

So I've just spoken to him and he reckons he told me because he wanted to be 100% transparent . She is around the area and he was going to meet for coffee . I knew they had contact . I asked him why the fuck did his conscience feel the need to tell me . He kept saying he just wanted to be straight and honest . As if he was looking for fucking brownie points .
Where to go from here ???
I was like a dog with him . He thought I was unreasonable . I lost the head and then he had to go ... could t listen to me anymore I'd imagine ... and he'd talk to me later . I just said ... you wont talk to me later . I'm fucking seething .

OP posts:
TedMullins · 19/08/2021 10:05

It’s very odd he felt the need to announce it like this. I have a friend I met on tinder but similar to OP’s partner there was no spark but we kept in touch as friends as we got on so well. We’ve now been friends for five years and both dated other people. We met up for a drink fairly regularly as friends but at no point would I have felt like I needed to announce it like this! If my partner at the time had asked what I’m doing on X day, I’d simply have said I was meeting a friend. I wouldn’t have felt the need to make a big drama of mentioning it as there is no deceit, the fact we met on tinder is irrelevant because there isn’t any romantic subtext there. The fact he’s come out with it like this suggests a bit of a guilty conscience, because it really shouldn’t be a big deal

Original poster
paranoidorwhatif · 19/08/2021 10:06

He said he didn't know if he should ask me or just go or not go. His conscience told him not to go full stop but then decided to tell
Me . I'm
Seething . Selfish prick .

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 19/08/2021 10:07

Do you feel like he's breached your trust/crossed a line?

Well I feel you must do or you wouldn't be seething.

Do you think it's forgivable?

Original poster
paranoidorwhatif · 19/08/2021 10:12

I
Really do t
Know of it is forgivable . Such a selfish thing to do . I have a very sad day ahead . Dickhead

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 19/08/2021 10:13

If it takes him this much effort to decide between right and wrong and he expects bloody points for doing the right thing I think I'd consider his moral fibre not up to snuff enough, personally.

Original poster
paranoidorwhatif · 19/08/2021 10:14

Would any of you dump him .

OP posts:
Goodthings · 19/08/2021 10:18

Oh is it a day of a funeral? That’s bad if so. Why would he do that to you today?

Walkingalot · 19/08/2021 10:20

He's an attention seeking knob.
You knew about the friendship so all he had to do was mention she's in town and would you mind if he met her for coffee. Or in fact, he could have just met her and not told you. No drama.
I presume, when you knew about the friendship, you didn't express any hostility to the situation previously?

Original poster
paranoidorwhatif · 19/08/2021 10:20

I don't know . Selfish man

OP posts:
Sittingonabench · 19/08/2021 10:21

I understand you’re upset but I think if you take a step back he is looking for establishing boundaries with you and trying to figure out what yours are. Say he didn’t go but you saw messages between them about a meet up - most people would be asking why he didn’t just tell you about it? Why wasn’t he transparent? I can understand where you are both coming from but I think the idea of transparency in such situations is a good thing - it’s just blindsided you as it was totally out of the blue.

Westchesterarms · 19/08/2021 10:22

I think you're massively over-reacting. Youre allowing people on here to wind you up even more. Calm down and deal with your stressful day. Then give yourself a couple of days to reflect on what's happened and decide what you want to do.

Pinkbonbon · 19/08/2021 10:23

I would have expected him to just say to her 'hey, sorry but I have a partner and considering the nature if how we first met, I don't think meeting for coffee would he appropriate. But enjoy your holiday!'. Job done.

Anything other than that just seems as if he doesn't have his boundaries in the right place. Or was running some sort of test/game on you.

If its been the only red flag in the whole relationship (though personally I think I would count him staying in touch with a so called random tinder date a separate red flag) then maybe it could be overlooked. But that being said, i'd really feel on my guard...and dunno if I'd want to be in a relationship where I was questioning my trust in my partner.

girlmom21 · 19/08/2021 10:23

I don't think I'd end the relationship over this but I'd make my boundaries very clear.

blissfulllife · 19/08/2021 10:28

Keeping you slightly insecure isn't he. That wouldn't sit well with me x

Timeforredwine · 19/08/2021 10:29

Yes @pinkbonbon!

giraffe13 · 19/08/2021 10:33

You need to get through your day and push this aside until you can speak face to face. You are winding yourself up. Remember they never amounted to anything previously and may as he has said just be friends which there is nothing wrong with. He might regret the whole thing and realise how he has hurt you and break ties. However, you need to sit down and talk honestly and openly about what you feel is right and wrong and what your boundaries are. Asking random strangers on here if you should dump him seems a bit extreme or are you after a way out/excuse? If you think he's a keeper he might just not have realised how inconsiderate he's been, talk it through. Good luck and I hope your day goes okay x

seensome · 19/08/2021 10:39

I would 100% dump him what a prick

cookiecreampie · 19/08/2021 10:40

He's telling you probably because he gets a kick out of it, maybe make you jealous or to get back at you in some way. She's not his friend, she's someone he used to date. He's a year into a relationship and he's going on a date with someone else. I would think about dumping him.

PinkFizz1 · 19/08/2021 10:44

@Westchesterarms

I think you're massively over-reacting. Youre allowing people on here to wind you up even more. Calm down and deal with your stressful day. Then give yourself a couple of days to reflect on what's happened and decide what you want to do.
While I agree it’s a bit of a dick move, this is the best advice to take for now OP.
Ruby0707 · 19/08/2021 11:04

I think he was just being open with you. I don't see the problem.

RosesandPumpkins · 19/08/2021 11:13

I think it’s a good sign because he cares about how you’d feel about it. If he was deceitful he wouldn’t tell you!
I kept friends from tinder for a little while. Sometimes it’s not all about shagging but meeting another human who you have some things in common with.
I’d rest on what you know which is that you have a great relationship and he’s being honest with you. Trust him.

rookiemere · 19/08/2021 11:14

I don't think it's great. I think he likes this woman and wants to see what happens when he meets her face to face.
I agree no need for hasty action just now, but I'd be keen to talk to him after and understand his rationale both for going and for telling you about it.

Vomtastical · 19/08/2021 11:26

@Westchesterarms

I think you're massively over-reacting. Youre allowing people on here to wind you up even more. Calm down and deal with your stressful day. Then give yourself a couple of days to reflect on what's happened and decide what you want to do.
I agree with this.
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