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Original poster

Why did he tell me?

126 replies

paranoidorwhatif · 19/08/2021 08:59

No for this as have other posts .
My boyfriend of a year.. both late forties rang me to tell me that he was going to meet up with a woman he met on tinder for coffee. They had a date last year but there was no spark but keep in touch now and again .
She is on holiday in the area and rang to meet for coffee. He was going to but has just rang to tell me this and that he won't be meeting her as he felt deceitful if he did meet her by not telling me . I'm stumped .
Have I got something to worry about here ? I have a very stressful day ahead which he knows about but felt the need to ring me first thing to tell me this . What the hell os going on?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 20/08/2021 12:54

@Queenofsupreme you're right. OP thought they'd met but then later on posted she was mistake and they'd never met.

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 20/08/2021 13:07

They had a date last year but there was no spark.
They never met up as there was so much distance between them.
Did he tell you both of these things. Obviously they can’t both be true.
Reckon he’s a liar, he was interested in meeting her back then as he fancied her, he most likely still does. He may not have gone but he was seriously considering it. That’s not right.
Strangely though he didn’t end up going and did tell you that he had thought about it as he would have felt guilty going on the quiet. So if you look at what he actually did, he didn’t do anything.
Would have been best all round if he had said nothing to you and just told her that as he’s in a relationship now it wouldn’t be appropriate to meet . I understand why you’re upset tho, he should have been more considerate if your feelings

forgottenforest · 20/08/2021 15:06

@Hopingforabagofbuttons

They had a date last year but there was no spark. They never met up as there was so much distance between them. Did he tell you both of these things. Obviously they can’t both be true. Reckon he’s a liar, he was interested in meeting her back then as he fancied her, he most likely still does. He may not have gone but he was seriously considering it. That’s not right. Strangely though he didn’t end up going and did tell you that he had thought about it as he would have felt guilty going on the quiet. So if you look at what he actually did, he didn’t do anything. Would have been best all round if he had said nothing to you and just told her that as he’s in a relationship now it wouldn’t be appropriate to meet . I understand why you’re upset tho, he should have been more considerate if your feelings
@gannett
MNmonster · 20/08/2021 15:08

@Bythecooker

I would not worry about this. They are meeting as friends by the sound of it but he didn't want to do it behind your back. Sounds genuine and honest to me.
Really?

Sounds to me like he has other women on the go just in case and is telling OP now so when he does shag her, the OP can't get mad because she knew.

Original poster
paranoidorwhatif · 20/08/2021 15:54

@Queenofsupreme she texts him every few months basically asking if he's still
Seeing me . She knows about him and his relationship yes. I think she is still interested. I think he thrives on the ego boost .

OP posts:
Original poster
paranoidorwhatif · 20/08/2021 15:56

Is it fair of me to expect him to cut all ties with this tinder friendship?
He is stubborn and really will not like to be told who he can and cannot be friends with .... as he will
See it .

OP posts:
forgottenforest · 20/08/2021 16:15

Wow, I can't believe you are still with him

girlmom21 · 20/08/2021 16:47

@paranoidorwhatif

Is it fair of me to expect him to cut all ties with this tinder friendship? He is stubborn and really will not like to be told who he can and cannot be friends with .... as he will See it .
It's 100% fair. Normally I'd say no it's not but these people met on tinder so I can only assume it hasn't always been a completely platonic relationship, and now he's hidden things from you and made you uncomfortable.

If ending their 'friendship' is the way past this it's the least he can do.

Pinkbonbon · 20/08/2021 17:24

[quote paranoidorwhatif]@Queenofsupreme she texts him every few months basically asking if he's still
Seeing me . She knows about him and his relationship yes. I think she is still interested. I think he thrives on the ego boost .[/quote]
Based on that alone he is a fud.

He should have cut contact himself. Now even if he does do it, he'll probably imply you made him and use it as a stick to beat you with in future. Which may even have been his end goal.

Think I'd be done tbh. Trust would be gone.

Original poster
paranoidorwhatif · 20/08/2021 17:30

What is a fud

OP posts:
Flyinggeese1 · 20/08/2021 17:31

OP it’s fair enough if he doesn’t want to be told who he can and can’t see. That’s his right.

The decision is for you to make if you’re happy with this. If not, end it.

I wouldn’t be happy one bit, but would stop short of telling him what to do. All you can do is say it’s not for you and move on.

Keeping in touch with a Tinder date can only mean he likes the ego boost as you say.

Pinkbonbon · 20/08/2021 17:33

@paranoidorwhatif

What is a fud
A fanny
Pinkbonbon · 20/08/2021 17:37

(Which is Scottish for an idiot)

Original poster
paranoidorwhatif · 20/08/2021 18:04

Ok thanks

OP posts:
WhoIsPepeSilva · 21/08/2021 23:32

[quote paranoidorwhatif]@Queenofsupreme she texts him every few months basically asking if he's still
Seeing me . She knows about him and his relationship yes. I think she is still interested. I think he thrives on the ego boost .[/quote]
Then yes clearly he knows she is interested in him which adds another layer of shady to this behaviour.

As to whether you'd be unreasonable to ask him to cut contact with previous tinder matches? I think I'd vote for cut contact with him instead.

It's not respectful behaviour to keep tinder matches on the back burner or as a side thing. Why would you want someone who thinks this is ok?

What else is he stubborn over out of interest? That comment makes me think there's more red flags maybe going on than just this one.

QueenBee52 · 22/08/2021 00:35

did you end this ? 😬

MsDogLady · 22/08/2021 04:53

It sounds like he has weak boundaries and has been lapping up the ego massages provided by this TinderWoman. I couldn’t reconcile this with my concept of an equal, mature and committed relationship, so I would have walked away.

If you decide to stay, you are entirely reasonable to expect him to cut off this Tinder ‘friendship.’ Their ongoing interest and his dodgy behavior have breached your boundaries and trust. He should have already cut contact with her. Why hasn’t he?

Lolabray · 22/08/2021 04:59

Shoe on other foot how would he feel

SnatchCassidy · 22/08/2021 05:37

@Pinkbonbon

(Which is Scottish for an idiot)
It's English for something very different, and I don't mean a former TV presenter who baked cakes with her husband Johnny.
QueenBee52 · 22/08/2021 05:41

Interesting...

Ive only ever heard it used here in Scotland..

despite my job taking me all over ..

so what does it mean.. outside Scotland ?

MyOtherProfile · 22/08/2021 05:51

Op do you feel as strongly about him having real life friendships with women / going for coffee with women he is friends with not through tinder?

I've read and reread your posts and I think you've overreacted and been wound up by people on here.

He presumably met her on tinder and chatted to her before he met you. He hasn't tried to keep the relationship going, has told her about you but has responded every few months when she texts him. She was nearby and it sounds like he was going to meet her for coffee just because they know each other a bit.

It doesn't at all sound like a first date. I don't know why you called it that.

In the end he decided that it wasn't the thing to do, presumably because he is aware she is still interested, and he was committed to you.

It looks like he told you because he is an open and honest guy and wanted you to know that he is committed to you.

He sounds like a good bloke and you have hugely overreacted. I imagine it's given him chance to rethink who you are if you are now punishing him for this.

RantyAunty · 22/08/2021 05:59

@paranoidorwhatif

How did it go with him?

layladomino · 22/08/2021 08:59

What @MyOtherProfile said.

You have said that everything else has been good in the relationship, so we have to take what you've told us here at face value (ie there isn't a background of him cheating, lying etc).

It sounds as though he's responded politely to a message every few months. He's told her he's with you. She's told him she's in the area and would he meet for coffee. You could guess what his reason was for originally saying 'yes' to that:

  • politeness?
  • not as committed to you as you thought and testing the water?

I think at that point he should have even said no, or told you that she had asked, and he was thinking of going to be polite, and would you like to come along too?

As it is, he agreed to go, then realised how it looked, and changed his mind.

You seem angry that he told you. And telling you at the start of a tough day was thoughtless. But I wouldn't be angry that he told me. Perhaps angry that he arranged it in the first place under the circumstances. But not angry with the honesty bit.

NotaCoolMum · 22/08/2021 09:44

Hope you’re ok @paranoidorwhatif. I don’t think it matters why he told you to begin with. If it makes you uncomfortable then he should value your feelings above this “friendship” with this woman (that’s he’s not even met!). I would feel the same way you do (and I don’t even have trust issues). I think if he felt the need to be “transparent” about it, then he knew it was something that you would (rightly) take issue with. I bet he doesn’t feel the need to ring you and announce he was going to meet his male friends!

Original poster
paranoidorwhatif · 23/08/2021 07:28

Thanks for the further replies .@MyOtherProfile .. you nailed it . That's exactly what happened and while I may have overacted , I really can't square the idea of him meeting with her for a casual coffee considering the nature of how they originally met and that they've never met before .
We met , thrashed it out and had a good open chat about what's acceptable to both of us in online or other opposite sex friendship. He was remorseful,upset and agreed that it was inappropriate .
He has messaged her and told her that their messaging etc is crossing the line as it seems that as she asks now and again about me and whether he is still with me , there may be interest on her end which isn't fair on any one . He didn't get that impression from her. I wondered why she still initiated contact with Him for over a year ...He didn't feel it was an ego boost . I did.
Anyway we both know where we stand on the crux of all of this so we made up and will take it from here.
Overall he is a very attentive ,loving and committed man so I'm moving forward with this and thanks for all your thoughts and replies .

OP posts: