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Original poster

Why did he tell me?

126 replies

paranoidorwhatif · 19/08/2021 08:59

No for this as have other posts .
My boyfriend of a year.. both late forties rang me to tell me that he was going to meet up with a woman he met on tinder for coffee. They had a date last year but there was no spark but keep in touch now and again .
She is on holiday in the area and rang to meet for coffee. He was going to but has just rang to tell me this and that he won't be meeting her as he felt deceitful if he did meet her by not telling me . I'm stumped .
Have I got something to worry about here ? I have a very stressful day ahead which he knows about but felt the need to ring me first thing to tell me this . What the hell os going on?

OP posts:
SStopRaisingHim · 19/08/2021 21:51

@paranoidorwhatif

Would any of you dump him .
No. You’re over reacting.
forgottenforest · 19/08/2021 21:57

Get rid of him!! That's awful and disrespectful to you OP. So sorry

RantyAunty · 19/08/2021 22:07

You think you're in a committed relationship, he doesn't.

Does he think it would be ok with you to keep in touch with old tinder guys and want to meet for coffee?

Grimsknee · 20/08/2021 01:35

At worst, he wants you to feel insecure.

Or could be he wants you to give him a headpat for thinking about cheating but then thinking better of it. Or can't cope with feeling guilty and wants you to assuage his conscience. Like a child who considers shoplifting then goes home and tells mum that he thought about it but did the right thing. And mum says "Good boy! Thank you for telling me."

Important question is, is this part of a pattern; or is it one instance of him exercising poor judgment and a misguided attempt at repair?

If the latter, repair could consist of you saying something like: you've never given me any reason to mistrust you, I still trust you not to cheat on me. If you have a guilty conscience, you need to deal with that yourself as I'm not your mum.

Original poster
paranoidorwhatif · 20/08/2021 08:16

Since my update I've come to the conclusion that he was probably looking forward to meeting her for the first Time having had random text chats through the year but then thought wtf am I doing here , felt guilty because he knew it was wrong , told me to ease his conscience and thought he was doing me a favour .Fucking idiot . I will see him in a few days when I calm down but I just don't where to start with it . I don't want to tell him he can or cannot do things but want to sort out our boundaries and morals because to me, at the moment, they're worlds apart .

OP posts:
Original poster
paranoidorwhatif · 20/08/2021 08:23

@Grimsknee . Not part of a pattern. He's never done this before or anything like it . Up to yesterday I would never had questioned his commitment . Today , I just don't know if I can get over it . FeelS like he was going to go on a first date with a tinder match of over a year who he is chatting to online now and again, but then realised what he was doing , panicked decided not to , rang me to ease his guilt at even considering it . Does he deserve a chance ? Would anyone keep this going or am I still over reacting ? I had a tough sad day and had too much gin and too little sleep so I'd appreciate some view points thanks .

OP posts:
Original poster
paranoidorwhatif · 20/08/2021 08:47

Can anyone give me guidance here please

OP posts:
forgottenforest · 20/08/2021 09:01

leave him he's wanting to meet someone he once considered his next partner

Name99 · 20/08/2021 09:05

Honestly, get rid of him, this is so disrespectful.
You deserve so much more than this

forgottenforest · 20/08/2021 09:08

And he's taking you for an idiot talking to an old tinder match anyway!!!!! If you split up you'll see him talking to her way more

Maze76 · 20/08/2021 09:15

Hi, just to be clear did he tell you this on a day he knew would be hard for you?

I ask because when I read back on the thread I wondered if perhaps he told you for attention?

I know how awful that sounds but it happens.

Is it possible that he didn’t like the fact that your attention was not on him and that’s why he told you?

I agree with the fact that he even thought about meeting this woman is bad enough , but also the timing, given what you were / are going through, speaks volumes.

I really think having some time apart will be good for both of you. Have a discussion with him, calmly, tell him that you need time to think about what’s happened.

Ask yourself if your trust in him has been damaged and if the relationship can be saved, if that’s what you want.

I believe with some distance and time, you will come to the decision that is right for you.

Original poster
paranoidorwhatif · 20/08/2021 09:22

He did tell me on a day he knew would be hard, yes. I don't believe it was for attention although I could see why one would think that. I think he panicked and wanted to rid himself of the guilt about his massive error of judgement .
I will see him to talk face to face tomorrow but I know I'll need a few days to think it all through and come to a decision.
These ex tinder friendships have to go but he needs to come to that conclusion himself. If he doesn't , I expect my decision will be easy . Thanks

OP posts:
upaladderagain · 20/08/2021 09:27

There's an awful lot of over-reacting going on here, in my opinion.

He was tempted to go for a coffee with someone with whom he is on friendly terms, but decided not to as he would feel disloyal to you.

When he told you he was possibly trying to give you the message that he will prioritise you and your feelings over his friendship with someone else.

If your relationship with him is otherwise as good as you say, which it won't be for much longer if you keep on looking for trouble, then let it go.

SingingInTheShithouse · 20/08/2021 09:35

No big deal. If anything it's a positive as he clearly feels strongly about honesty in your relationship.

They met, decided it was a friendship thing only & have kept in touch as friends. He met a friend, that's all & he was honest with you.

Queenofsupreme · 20/08/2021 10:07

I think the issue is tinder isn’t like a pen pal you chat to and hope to meet one day. It’s connecting for romantic reasons. You link up because you like each other. That’s the premise.
In this situation they’ve not met and decided there’s no attraction and then remained friends. They’ve not met at all but have an emotional connection already. It feels like curiosity to see what’s there in real life when they meet. Even if it’s innocent his side does she know about you? She might still be hopeful of something else , given most people don’t bother to keep in contact with random tinder people they’ve never met!
The positives are he told you and didn’t meet her in secret or pretend it was an old friend.
That would have been an immediate ltb for me. I would give him another chance but walk through your feelings and how this is crossing boundaries until it hopefully clicks for him. Will he continue to text her?

Original poster
paranoidorwhatif · 20/08/2021 10:16

I've text him to say I'm not comfortable with tinder friendships when he is in a relationship of a year and have told him
I'll leave him to think about that so I await a response .

OP posts:
WhoIsPepeSilva · 20/08/2021 10:34

Red flag, big one and you seem to have blurry boundaries OP? You want this to work which is understandable but then you say your worlds apart in how you seem to view things and I'm not entirely sure that can fundamentally change.

I'd be binning him if it were me, you don't keep someone running in the background you've never met for a year - there's an attraction there and he was going to meet her. That's an instant no from me.

Lollypop701 · 20/08/2021 10:43

Honestly I agree with upaladder. If you feel that overall the relationship is good, no I wouldn’t end it. It’s early enough days in the Relationships for you to be ironing out difference in what you think about what’s ok or not. The red flag would be if he went for the coffee , didn’t tell you and when you found out he told you that you were unreasonable IMO

Orgasmagorical · 20/08/2021 11:05

@paranoidorwhatif

Can anyone give me guidance here please
From the outside it looks like he's causing you all sorts of angst while keeping his options open. Who's getting the better deal here?
forgottenforest · 20/08/2021 11:09

He told you because he knew it was wrong and wanted you to say he could do it

gannett · 20/08/2021 11:32

@Queenofsupreme

I think the issue is tinder isn’t like a pen pal you chat to and hope to meet one day. It’s connecting for romantic reasons. You link up because you like each other. That’s the premise. In this situation they’ve not met and decided there’s no attraction and then remained friends. They’ve not met at all but have an emotional connection already. It feels like curiosity to see what’s there in real life when they meet. Even if it’s innocent his side does she know about you? She might still be hopeful of something else , given most people don’t bother to keep in contact with random tinder people they’ve never met! The positives are he told you and didn’t meet her in secret or pretend it was an old friend. That would have been an immediate ltb for me. I would give him another chance but walk through your feelings and how this is crossing boundaries until it hopefully clicks for him. Will he continue to text her?
They have met and decided there's no attraction.

It's not weird to want to stay in touch with someone even if you don't want to shag each other. It's fairly common among people I know - a damp squib of a date with zero romantic chemistry, but someone who can still be a decent friend.

Absolutely bizarre to consider this a red flag or overstepping boundaries on his part. TBH from the OP's over-reaction I'd say he's better off out of it.

IMO he didn't even need to tell you who he's hanging out with, he went above and beyond to reassure you, and you're still reacting in a paranoid manner. I wouldn't stand for a partner policing me like that.

gannett · 20/08/2021 11:33

@forgottenforest

He told you because he knew it was wrong and wanted you to say he could do it
What on earth is "wrong" about meeting someone for a coffee. Fucking hell. Completely insane to think that.
forgottenforest · 20/08/2021 11:35

@gannett they had never met before!!!!

gannett · 20/08/2021 11:44

[quote forgottenforest]@gannett they had never met before!!!! [/quote]
In the OP:

"they had a date last year but there was no spark but keep in touch now and again ."

Queenofsupreme · 20/08/2021 12:45

Ah my mistake I thought they hadn’t met before