Totally rejected by my niece and I have no idea why. Absolutely gutted

[northernstar0412]

Hi,
I don't have my own kids and and I love my teenage niece and nephew just as much as if they were my own.

I've spent years doting on them - when they were little, carrying them when they were too tired to walk, playing games with them, taking them to play facilities to give my sister a break, giving them swings till my head span and as they got older going places and doing things with them, cycling, badminton etc. I've almost been like a second mum to them.

My nephew is great and we have a good relationship but I no longer recognise my niece, the younger of the two. She's completely changed since turning 17. She no longer speaks to me if she can help it and avoids me. I went on a long walk with her a few months back where she refused to speak to me at all and put her headphones on to listen to music. I asked her what was the matter but she said "nothing". I was really upset but tried not to show it and let her get on with it.

I used to ring her occasionally to chat, as I live in another city, and she would always talk to me. Not any more. All my calls go unanswered.

She recently visited my city with her mum, who suggested they stay at my place. My niece didn't want to so they stayed in a hotel.

And today in a restaurant with friends I overheard her telling her mum she didn't want to sit next to me. I was so shocked I immediately went over and asked her why and she said she was only joking. But her facial expression when I heard her say that tells me she was not joking.

Now I am wondering why she's giving me the cold shoulder when all her life we've been so close. Do I smell? Am I too ugly or common? Am I badly dressed or loud and embarrassing? Have I said or done something bad or offensive... or not said or done something I should have???

I don't want to make an issue out of it for fear of making things worse. My friend said to take no notice and laugh it off in their presence if it comes up but I feel tearful and feel like I've been kicked in the guts. I'm so upset and feel that the lovely girl I love so much has turned into an alien.

All the previous incidents I forgot about and didn't put them all together, but after today I've recognised a pattern of this coldness towards me over time Maybe I'm being utterly and totally pathetic. Maybe there is something wrong with me.

I'm sorry for unloading my sadness on here and thanks for reading. I really just needed to get the thoughts out of my head.

@northernstar0412

I'm seeing my lovely sister again this weekend. She'll have my niece and nephew with her and I won't get a chance to talk to her alone.

I spoke to my sister a few months back about the incident where my niece ignored me on the walk. My sister asked me not to be hard on my niece because she'd had a tough time at school as she's been socially excluded by other pupils.

My sister says that my niece is just "a misery" who always has a scowl on her face.

I've tried to talk to her about the school situation, and reassure her that she's awesome, but my niece doesn't want to talk about it.

Maybe it's what Brimorion says, that our familial relationship no longer works / is intrusive.

It sounds like niece is having some difficulties, she feels moody and doesn't want to make chit chat. With her mum she can probably be moody and grunt but if she sits next to you she feels she needs to make polite chit chat and she cannot face that. Try and back off a bit whilst letting her know you are there if she needs you, she will grow out of it. My dd has ASD, high functioning and late diagnosis. She finds family situations difficult as sometimes she cannot make chit chat. If people ask her questions she feels like she is being interrogated. We are a small close family and she loves her relatives but sometimes finds them too much. We just tell her to come say hi then make a polite excuse and go to her room if it gets too much for her.

I'm also confused as to how on the one hand you think she's too young to go for a walk on her own and send her fluffy animal pictures but on the other engage in a discussion about trans rights and feminism with her that leads to bunfights even on here.

Talk to your sister about this. If it's any consolation my very own daughter is like this with me and I have given her everything and loved her so so much. It is very hurtful. Maybe it's a phase as they need to distance from their family to make their own identity I really do t know. All I hope is that they do come back to us in a few years. It's really hard

I agree that the trans thing is difficult. I have relatives with whom I disagree (not in UK, and rather late to the party regarding wokism) but I make sure we steer clear of certain subjects. Young people today (hark at me!) are rather militant about their perceived rectitude. I have tried to disagree with dd about women’s spaces, but no, she doesn’t want to hear anything that she thinks is just hairy-legged feminism

@Liberett0

The woke thing goes back to a conversation we had once about the trans community. I said that I felt women's rights had regressed under the "trans" movement and that I supported JK Rowling's stance. Both her and my nephew disagreed with this, which is fine.

Well there's the reason why she doesn't have any time for you at all. You are now considered to be the ignorant bigoted aunt just like an aunt/uncle that makes nasty remarks about homosexuals/migrants/refugees.... Why would your Neice have any interest in speaking to or spending their time with someone like that?

I think this is a bit harsh. I don't consider myself to be a bigot. I worked closely with a trans woman I got on very well with and never considered her to be anything but another woman in our office.

I have friends and family members who are gay and from different ethnic groups, and as for refugees and migrants, I think that as a rich country we have a responsibility to help those fleeing for their lives, as well as having sympathy and understanding for them.

My trans remark was more about not wanting to be referred to as a cis woman or a person who menstruates - ironic as I don't anymore! Perhaps it's the menopause that makes me so objectionable!

@Liberett0

The woke thing goes back to a conversation we had once about the trans community. I said that I felt women's rights had regressed under the "trans" movement and that I supported JK Rowling's stance. Both her and my nephew disagreed with this, which is fine.

Well there's the reason why she doesn't have any time for you at all. You are now considered to be the ignorant bigoted aunt just like an aunt/uncle that makes nasty remarks about homosexuals/migrants/refugees.... Why would your Neice have any interest in speaking to or spending their time with someone like that?

I see you're not judgemental in the least...

Bloody hell, pretty sure we all went through some moody phase when we were teenagers!!! Give the girl a break, perhaps a little space and she'll come round eventually. My nephew went through a yes/no phase for about six months, I pretended nothing, kept talking to him as normal and have a great relationship now. Trying to "fix" what's wrong or get involved will just push her away. Teenagers need personal space to figure out who they are and managing their raging hormones

Yes teenagers can be moody but it sounds like your niece is just being plain rude. Step back from her a little and try to not take it to heart. Maybe once you stop trying so hard she'll notice and wonder why?

Sorry, my bloody hell comment is in response to PPS saying teenagers are arseholes and my views are in general rather than a direct target at your relationship with your niece

Great response op! You sound like a lovely aunt and I am sure, given time and a bit of space, she will fall back in to a good relationship with you - perhaps not the same as it was before - but good nonetheless. You might have to wait a while though! The important thing is to, as you are doing, expand your social circle and to have low expectations. And then any voluntary contact you have with her is a bonus. Good luck

But why engage with that argument at all with someone you regard as a child??!

The woke thing goes back to a conversation we had once about the trans community. I said that I felt women's rights had regressed under the "trans" movement and that I supported JK Rowling's stance. Both her and my nephew disagreed with this, which is fine.

Slight babying of her going on with some of what you have said in your second post, but I agree, this is the crux of it & you are now bigoted old aunt & as already said they think in black & white & this is what her DM will know, but is embarrassed to tell you.

Elspeth - the trans thing was a conversation me and her mum were having in the car en route somewhere and the teens on the back seat were listening and chimed in with their views.

Yes, it's quite possible she has labelled you as a "t**f" and at this idealistic stage in her life is unable to see that you might be anything more than that. Her friends and whoever she follows online will have encouraged her to reject you.

I'd suggest allowing a distance if she wants it. No calls, no texts. Don't try to force conversation. Continue to send birthday and Christmas gifts equivalent to what you spend on her brother, and leave the ball in her court.

Or if you really want to mend the relationship, perhaps just tell her what she wants to hear...

Oops, crossed post

I totally get your explanation of it, but you were talking to a very black & white thinking teen who won't see the nuances of that at all

My own DD labelled me as homophobic at one point because of something I'd once said in exasperation at her insisting on discussing her sexuality at my very difficult DFs house by way of challenging me. To shut her down I just said something along the lines of "yes DD of course I'm homophobic, I hate all gays & only pretend to be best friends with XYZ. Her godparents are gay ffs & she was at the first lesbian wedding, but that's what stuck with her for a while 🤦‍♀️

I agree with MadamMoody and the other posters who have railed against this 'be gentle' nonsense. This behaviour wouldn't ever have been tolerated in my family and wouldn't be tolerated now, not by any of us. Teenagers notwithstanding, be polite or exclude yourself from company. Nobody should have to put up with this.

OP, I'm not impressed with your sister. She might be trying to play the 'good guy' by being passive and doing nothing but her daughter will be contemptuous of her just the same and your sister is doing her no favours.

Carry on doing things with your nephew and leave your niece be. If/when she's ready to re-engage with you, you can pick this up then. For now I'd leave it - and I'd be telling my sister this. I'd be making it clear that I'm nobody's doormat either.

I know it hurts to be rejected but it's just a rude teenager having an out of place, lengthy tantrum. They'll stop, sooner or later, when they find the world won't bend to their silliness. I don't doubt that you'll be there then, fully supportive but for now, back right off and don't give them any attention at all.

for you

You don't have children so you don't know this is how SOME pesky brat teenagers behave. For a while. Most of them get over it.

My niece spent two silent years refusing to speak to her single mother,. even though she lived in Mother's house. They got over it.

Just be patient, sit it out and wait.

It's the trans thing OP.

Like others have said, her age group thinks of anyone who questions the narrative like they're actual Nazis.

I'm so sorry. I don't know how you can fix it. Hopefully she'll grow up and reconnect in time.

I think that being the childless Aunt is a difficult path to tread. I was that person when my sister had her children. I was expected to babysit, take them off her hands etc but as they got older I was the unreasonable one for assuming that relationship meant anything. It is hurtful and I felt used. I had a distant relationship for many years with my nephews and nieces because I got bored with their rudeness, assumptions that they can take and not give anything and their basic inability to be polite. as they got out of the horrendous teen years they too emerged as rather nice human beings and one niece actually apologised for being a twat.
The other set of niece and nephew we ended up adopting after being the second mum and dad for many years. My daughter as she is now is going through the black and white woke years. She is very "green" and preaches to us on a regular basis about how our activities impact on the earth (before asking for a lift into town of course). She's also heavily into trans rights and doesn't understand why I object to being referred to as cis. She's also fallen out with her cousin (my other niece who admitted she was a twat during her teenage years).
What she doesn't understand/want to hear at the moment i campaigned for and with the LGBTQ+ community for years for equality. My husband and I have always been into environmental causes and have put a lot of work into making our estate sustainable. Her grandmother was a member of CND and was at Greenham common. Her great grandmother (and mine) were both suffragettes. She comes from, and has been adopted into, a long long line of strong feminists who have stood up for the rights of women AND other vulnerable groups. However, she thinks her generation are the first to ever think anything and do anything. Talking to her at the moment is impossible, so we just nod, smile and try not to piss her off too much (and count down the hours til she goes back to school).

Lying - the niece hasn’t really been directly rude though, OP overheard the comment about not wanting to sit next to her and the headphones on a walk thing does sound about like OP basically followed the niece on a walk. It sounds to me like the niece needs a bit of space as OP is being a bit OTT/ not realising the niece is growing up (which OP now realises) but is struggling to express this - The alternative is just outright telling the aunt to leave her alone - which really would be rude!

Sittinginthesand I disagree that the niece hasn't been rude, she has and, if she were my niece, she'd be getting all the space she wanted.

The OP's not a mother, it doesn't mean that she doesn't understand anything about children and I get sick of hearing that on this site. We all know about terrible-twos and teen-tantrums but what's acceptable for a young child just isn't ok when you're approaching adulthood. Make allowances by all means but, facilitating sending somebody to Coventry essentially? Not a chance.

We're all different but if my two behave like OP's niece then I will be pulling them up fast.

Stop trotting out the teenager excuse folks

There is no way any of us behaved like that growing up

Haha get over yourself. Of course we did.

SecretSpad >
Massive respect to you. Great GM suffragettes - awesome!

Thanks also to everyone who's posted - the vast majority of which have been hugely helpful. Interesting to hear about the child with ASD, very enlightening, thank you, FoobyDoo

I wondered if it was that you were being punished for not having the “right” views!

Yes teenagers can be really horrible and always have been, but there’s also a lot of angry stuff about in the ether at the moment.
I teach university students - have done since I was 22 myself - and there seems to have been a big change in youth culture over the past few years - the past 3-5 years maybe? Where they used to be generally very engaged (and generally very hardworking, respectful, resilient, lovely young people); I’ve noticed a big change towards a very oppositional and militant youth culture recently. It’s as if where three or five years ago+, they were all keen to find out what other people could teach them.

Now they are all very resistant and seem to have decided that anyone in any teaching or authority position is old and bigoted and there to disagree with or be suspicious of. I’ve got some sabbatical coming up and I’m frankly relieved, because I’ll get a bit of a break from the sulky students rolling their eyes at me. The last 2-3 years have really been like wading through treacle - lots of subjects you can’t even mention or there will be sucked-lemon faces and threats of letters written to your employer. Mine frequently say they want to do the history of feminist theory and sexuality (my subject), but then say they will only work on material they approve of and nothing else (which is not really how university works…) It’s exhausting.

It’s getting v tiring that they seem to regard anyone over 25 as a bigot. If your niece is influenced by this aspect of current youth culture then she isn’t alone in her attitude and you probably just have to wait until she gets a bit more life experience!

Lying - what is the niece done that’s rude though? It sounds like she’s having a tough time and is finding OP difficult to deal with - do you think the niece should be ‘humouring’ the OP and just doing what she wants. I think many 17 year olds would find it hard to deal with an adult who has behaved like OP has, they just don’t have the skills to cope with it.