Totally rejected by my niece and I have no idea why. Absolutely gutted

[northernstar0412]

Hi,
I don't have my own kids and and I love my teenage niece and nephew just as much as if they were my own.

I've spent years doting on them - when they were little, carrying them when they were too tired to walk, playing games with them, taking them to play facilities to give my sister a break, giving them swings till my head span and as they got older going places and doing things with them, cycling, badminton etc. I've almost been like a second mum to them.

My nephew is great and we have a good relationship but I no longer recognise my niece, the younger of the two. She's completely changed since turning 17. She no longer speaks to me if she can help it and avoids me. I went on a long walk with her a few months back where she refused to speak to me at all and put her headphones on to listen to music. I asked her what was the matter but she said "nothing". I was really upset but tried not to show it and let her get on with it.

I used to ring her occasionally to chat, as I live in another city, and she would always talk to me. Not any more. All my calls go unanswered.

She recently visited my city with her mum, who suggested they stay at my place. My niece didn't want to so they stayed in a hotel.

And today in a restaurant with friends I overheard her telling her mum she didn't want to sit next to me. I was so shocked I immediately went over and asked her why and she said she was only joking. But her facial expression when I heard her say that tells me she was not joking.

Now I am wondering why she's giving me the cold shoulder when all her life we've been so close. Do I smell? Am I too ugly or common? Am I badly dressed or loud and embarrassing? Have I said or done something bad or offensive... or not said or done something I should have???

I don't want to make an issue out of it for fear of making things worse. My friend said to take no notice and laugh it off in their presence if it comes up but I feel tearful and feel like I've been kicked in the guts. I'm so upset and feel that the lovely girl I love so much has turned into an alien.

All the previous incidents I forgot about and didn't put them all together, but after today I've recognised a pattern of this coldness towards me over time Maybe I'm being utterly and totally pathetic. Maybe there is something wrong with me.

I'm sorry for unloading my sadness on here and thanks for reading. I really just needed to get the thoughts out of my head.

It may be you, but quite honestly sounds like that’s just how she is at the moment with everyone

There's usually some sharp analysis and rock solid advice on this board, so this thread has been pretty shocking.

Its common for teenagers to feel out of their depth and depressed because they are dealing with stuff the adults don't know anything about.
Calling them names like 'misery' and labeling their withdrawal as a politeness problem instead of a trauma response is about as ignorant as it gets.

northernstar0412 tell your niece that you recognise she is no longer a child, you understand your relationship needs to change and for that to happen you need to change.
Tell her you are there for her if she needs to sound off, and that you'll just listen and not react. Only say it if you mean it.

Just a thought OP - do you try to stay in contact with your niece via social media? That's most preferred teens' medium of keeping in touch and you may well find that she's quite happy to send you quick one liners about what she's doing, where she's not happy to have a lengthy phone conversation.

Good point @UserStillatLarge . I find phone calls horribly intrusive and I'm in my 50s.

I find that those relatives I can connect with on FB messenger or WhatsApp are those I have the strongest relationship with as it's much easier to chat and exchange thoughts in a casual conversational way.

@Keeploggingout

I think your sister isn’t overly investing in sorting this out as first, she’s probably become accustomed to the teenage behaviour and shrugs it off and secondly now that her daughter is no longer little there’s no real benefit to her in you being close to niece, as there clearly was some years ago when you gave her masses of help. So your emotional investment in the aunt/niece relationship doesn’t mean that much to her.

Or because the OP’s sister recognises that her daughter is a young adult and past the stage of being nagged into ‘Be nice to Auntie X’? I agree with @MarleneDietrichsSmile. You can’t make someone like or, or behave in the way you would like. You certainly can’t do it by contacting her mother to complain. OP, if you back off a bit and respect your niece’s desire for space, it will almost certainly resolve itself over time.

I was in a similar situation to you. Throughout my single twenties and early thirties, my young niece and nephew were my life. I took them out every Saturday and babysat during the week. I was very involved with them. Then they got to about 11 and 13 and I realised they were more independent and didn't want to go out with me every weekend, they wanted to be with friends their own age, so I backed off. It was hard but I realised to them I was no longer the cool Aunty who they worshipped when they were little. They, understandably, stopped confiding in me and didn't want to have long chats on the phone with me. I built up my own life and left them alone. I remember being so hurt when I called round and they didn't bother coming out of their rooms to speak to me, but I realise this was just typical teenage behaviour. When they hit their twenties and were working, we became closer again. I basically left them alone during their teenage and uni years, with all the mood swings and relationship drama and I think they appreciated it. I also didn't make such a fuss of them when I did see them and I found they began to appreciate me more and not take me for granted. Now they are in their thirties we are closer than ever and are more friends than anything else. Sometimes, you just have to back off and they will come back to you.

I was an absolute bitch to my godmother - slightly younger than this 13/14 and it’s one of my big regrets too. She died when I was 16.

Wow, there is so much amazing advice on here, and so many different perspectives. Thanks to everyone who's taken the time to read and post - it's extremely helpful and is giving me lots of insight.

I am just going to step back from my niece, while still being being polite and friendly, but I will just have to accept that our relationship has changed, perhaps even permanently.

In response to some questions raised by PPs:

I regret asking her why she didn't want to sit next to me. I'll be careful not to confront her again in future. I accept that it's not about me and my emotional fulfilment.

A couple of my friends who have met my niece have described her as "spoilt". Which I don't necessarily agree with as I just think she is highly strung and/ or driven.

The reason I called her was because she was upset after testing positive for coronavirus and had to isolate at home. I just wanted to say a cheery hello and let her know I was thinking of her. I've also often sent her cute pics of baby animals, which she doesn't respond to.

I can see how I would be seen as overbearing, and still treating her as a young child. She is "young" for her age - she is small and only looks about 13. The day we went on the walk she had wanted to go on her own but I'd insisted on going with her as I was worried about her. She made a point of walking way ahead of me so that she created a big physical distance between us. I'm glad I went though as we were in isolated fields, where I would consider her to be vulnerable given that she looks very young for her age. I can see totally how I am being overbearing here too, and how she is just expressing her independence.

The woke thing goes back to a conversation we had once about the trans community. I said that I felt women's rights had regressed under the "trans" movement and that I supported JK Rowling's stance. Both her and my nephew disagreed with this, which is fine.

I suspect my sister knows more and is possibly embarrassed. I don't think I'm going to talk to her about it before I see her later this week as I want to think about things a bit more before I react. I will be surprised if my niece still comes along but if she does I'll be in "pleasantly ignoring" mode and giving her loads of space.

I'll stop the calls and fluffy animal pictures.

I'm doing lots of physical activity in my spare time which really helps my mental health - walking, swimming, gym. There are people my age at the pool and gym I chat to. I have a few very good friends I'm in regular touch with - they just don't live local to me. As everything opens up again it's an opportunity to join some local groups and meet new people. I think this situation is a good learning opportunity for me.

My nieces thought I was the bees knees when they were little because I played fun games with them. Now they’re older, I’m just an aunt and largely irrelevant to them. I don’t care one bit. Why would an older child be interested in an aunt?

Good post, OP. I can see how you may have come across as ‘busybody aunt who knows best’ in the walk situation to a girl trying to assert her independence, but I think you’re doing exactly the right thing now.

@northernstar0412.
Thinking of you.xx

I think the person who suggested the odd text or Whatsapp is sensible. If someone has covid, I wouldn't call them on the phone nowadays, I'd text a 'hope you are ok, poor you, let me know if I can help' type message and leave it at that.

You don't need to ignore her, just be pleasant, but not looking for her reaction all the time. Focus on everyone else, but do include her in your eyeliner, make a remark as normal. Don't shun her at all, but don't overly focus on bring her out.

You realise now the walking thing was intrusive, no wonder she walked ahead with her headphones on, she was a 17 year old going for a walk on her own til you showed up! That's not impolite, I'm surprised she didn't tell you to bugger off!

This has been a helpful thread for me as well, it's hard when your teens change towards you, you can feel quite hurt, I have sometimes as a parent. Being a positive but not intrusive presence is what you can do, and at least then it leaves open the possibilities of future contacts/relationships as and when they might arise over the years.

Eyeline, I meant! What I'm saying is don't ignore her, just be pleasant but not overly interested, treat her as part of the general group.

Strewth. Her mum thinks she is a misery; your friends think she is spoilt; you think she is ‘woke’ and as a 17 year old she can’t go for a walk by herself 🤔.

Poor girl.

You all need to give her space and be less judgemental.

@OnwardsAndSideways1

Eyeline, I meant! What I'm saying is don't ignore her, just be pleasant but not overly interested, treat her as part of the general group.

I was going to say that sharing eyeliner with anyone was a bad idea! 😀

@Brimorion

Impossible to know without hearing from her, but she’s 17, trying on adult identities. Maybe your relationship as it functioned in the past no longer works for her, or feels intrusive?

’intrusive’ ?

Give over

OP - it will be nothing you have done, I am sure you are not too old, smelly, ugly or common - the relationship with your nephew hasn't changed so none of those things apply. As PPs have said it's the teenage stage she is going through.

Also OP, I have two nieces - one aged 18; the other 8 and I have had similar relationships as you with yours with them both growing up. The 18 year-old from mid to late teens did 'detach' and I barely saw her (and when I did she was on her phone!) and I am bracing myself for the same with the younger one. However, the 18 year-old one popped around yesterday with her younger sister and we sat on the kitchen floor and chatted about an upcoming social event she had and some of her worries popped out too. She left with a unsolicited massive hug and kiss - so I wouldn't be too concerned about the current state being the 'forever from now' state.

@Antwerpen, if you bother to read the OP’s recent updates you will see exactly why her niece finds her behaviour intrusive, and that the OP freely acknowledges this herself.

The woke thing goes back to a conversation we had once about the trans community. I said that I felt women's rights had regressed under the "trans" movement and that I supported JK Rowling's stance. Both her and my nephew disagreed with this, which is fine.

Well there's the reason why she doesn't have any time for you at all. You are now considered to be the ignorant bigoted aunt just like an aunt/uncle that makes nasty remarks about homosexuals/migrants/refugees.... Why would your Neice have any interest in speaking to or spending their time with someone like that?

Well done on taking it all on board OP.

She probably does think you're anti-trans now though and that likely causes some revulsion on her part. Teenagers think in black and white terms.

I'd just back off completely.

Well done, OP. I think it’s best to hide any hurt you may feel and just fake a pleasant, cheerful demeanour whenever you meet up with your niece.

As for posters saying the girl is a “trauma survivor” - eh?!? or that the OP should write a letter - noooooooo. Just be plain Auntie Northern and I’m sure your relationship will in time become less angsty.

northernstar0412 something I’d add from my own experience of parenting is that around age 13, my DC entered the chrysalis that was their bedrooms and spent as much time as possible in their cocoons grunting at us parents in passing.

Around 17 - strangely enough about the time they wanted to start learning to drive - they began to blinkingly emerge into adult life, capable of fully formed sentences and everything.

A butterfly will probably emerge from this, but give her her time in the chrysalis to develop in to who she is.

The woke thing goes back to a conversation we had once about the trans community. I said that I felt women's rights had regressed under the "trans" movement and that I supported JK Rowling's stance. Both her and my nephew disagreed with this, which is fine.

It’s this. Give it space/time.

The woke thing goes back to a conversation we had once about the trans community. I said that I felt women's rights had regressed under the "trans" movement and that I supported JK Rowling's stance. Both her and my nephew disagreed with this, which is fine.

Yup, bingo. She would have relayed this to her peer group and is duly punishing you as instructed. You're basically a nazi now, sorry.