BF comment has really upset me AIBU?

[newguyissue]

I don't know if I'm being ridiculous, but I've been seeing a guy for 7 weeks and something he said has upset me so much but I don't know if I'm being ridiculous.
First relationship after 30 year marriage.
He's been really sweet as I've been cautious. Says he loves me but without lovebombing me. He's stayed over twice but we haven't had full sex - very close though.
Last time he gave me a vibrator, which surprised me. He said he couldn't wait to talk about it this week, which I didn't do - said I would when I saw him. He lives 70 miles away.
Tonight, in a fun exchange of normal conversation, he asked about a video show tonight. He didn't specify, but I assumed he meant with the vibrator.
This has really upset me. I kind of feel objectified and dehumanized as an object to him. He now says he meant video call but I can't see how that got autospelled to show. My ex was coersive so I might be overreacting, but it's made me feel really crap and question his sincerity of loving me as a person.

Some relationships exchange those kind of videos and photos. He is NBU to ask - but his response to you declining should tell you what you need to know. It doesn't sound like he has tried to coerce or pressure you.

He lives 70 miles away and says he loves you after just 7 weeks. How? You barely know each other.

I think what you are noticing is red flags - hows it gone from loving and accepting to hypersexual objectification that quickly - because he was just pretending before.
He's not what you want.

@Katiebee008

Some relationships exchange those kind of videos and photos. He is NBU to ask - but his response to you declining should tell you what you need to know. It doesn't sound like he has tried to coerce or pressure you.

Of course that's wrong. She hasn't had sex with him and he thinks she should perform for him? Not bloody way.

@WallaceinAnderland

He lives 70 miles away and says he loves you after just 7 weeks. How? You barely know each other.

This!!!

I think in the context of a relationship this would be okay but to ask this of someone you’ve only known seven weeks, and you haven’t even slept with yet, is just a bit much. I’d be really put off by it, and upset too OP.

Fancying someone and wanting a sexual relationship isn't a crime. It sounds like he backed off appropriately when you said you weren't keen, so he wasn't being coercive from what you've written here.

As others have said, the speed with which the relationship has progressed may be a red flag.

Come on now, op. There are so many red flags here.

Says he loves me but without lovebombing me.

You've only known him for seven weeks. This IS lovebombing.

You have barely been sexually intimate and he's bought you a sex toy already? Gross. That would massively put me off. He barely even knows you, ffs.

Please listen to your gut and dump this creep. You know it's not right.

I'd be put off too.

How can he know he loves you after 7 weeks when you’ve only spent 2 nights together?

How many times have you actually seen each other in 7 weeks?

Yes, it feels like a warning. It's gone from building an emotional connection to something very different. Just felt so out of the blue to be asked that in a message. I feel pretty turned off by it.

You need to asks him outright if he meant a video chat if you and the sex toy. If that’s the case Just tell him straight that it’s not something you’ll be agreeing to. It’s not your thing. If it’s a misunderstanding laugh and move on

Any new date who rocked up at mine with an unasked for sex toy would be out on his ear. And i have a MASSIVE amount of sex toys.

7 weeks and he said he loves you?! What is your definition of love bombing?

@bornIn78 we've seen each other about 10 times including 2 whole weekends. Lots of video calls too.

What does he think this is? Onlyfans? It's put me off too and I've never met the bloke. And I'm no prude. But I'd never do video especially these days with revenge porn so rife.

[quote newguyissue]@bornIn78 we've seen each other about 10 times including 2 whole weekends. Lots of video calls too.[/quote]
That is too soon to say you love someone

He sounds way too pushy. I’d dump him.

I’d absolutely hate that and would not be in a relationship with someone who thought it appropriate.

He brought you a vibrator, then wanted to talk about it?
Then he wanted a video show?

This all sounds a bit 'tacky' to be honest.
It seems to have completely skipped the establishing of close, trustworthy intimacy.
Also what does he need videos for?
I'd tread carefully OP videos and such could end up in all manner of dodgy websites.

As PP have said, declaring love for you from 70 miles away in seven weeks seems very fast moving.

If you are feeling uncomfortable ( with good cause to be) listen to your gut feeling. It's rarely wrong.

He sounds predatory

Just honour your feelings, there are no right or wrong ways to feel and you owe this new guy absolutely nothing! Prioritise yourself and your feelings OP and something feels wrong and upsetting to you, walk away from it.

Gosh. I'm so glad I posted. Dating is so new to me and I should trust my gut.

If a man I had met 10 times had the gall to buy me a vibrator and then ask me to use it on myself during a video call (doesn't matter what language he used, it's still a live sex show) I would feel a primal urge to hit him with it really, really hard several times. But because that wouldn't be allowed I would block him everywhere and never speak to him again. It's so not ok. Don't ignore your feelings, he absolutely is objectifying you.

Like fuck would I be sending him a film of me wanking, after ten dates (or ever for that matter, but I am Gen X and that isn’t something I grew up doing).

This is one step up from sending me a dick pic, and it would definitely put me right off. Maybe he’s just trying it on, but it’s still pretty grim.

@newguyissue I was just going to say "trust your gut" and you beat me to it!

But yes - trust your instincts and look elsewhere