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Original poster

BF comment has really upset me AIBU?

118 replies

newguyissue · 17/08/2021 21:02

I don't know if I'm being ridiculous, but I've been seeing a guy for 7 weeks and something he said has upset me so much but I don't know if I'm being ridiculous.
First relationship after 30 year marriage.
He's been really sweet as I've been cautious. Says he loves me but without lovebombing me. He's stayed over twice but we haven't had full sex - very close though.
Last time he gave me a vibrator, which surprised me. He said he couldn't wait to talk about it this week, which I didn't do - said I would when I saw him. He lives 70 miles away.
Tonight, in a fun exchange of normal conversation, he asked about a video show tonight. He didn't specify, but I assumed he meant with the vibrator.
This has really upset me. I kind of feel objectified and dehumanized as an object to him. He now says he meant video call but I can't see how that got autospelled to show. My ex was coersive so I might be overreacting, but it's made me feel really crap and question his sincerity of loving me as a person.

OP posts:
Lolabray · 17/08/2021 21:41

He’s presented a vibrator and wants to watch you use it and you haven’t had sex yet? That to me is a bit odd

Silvershroud · 17/08/2021 21:41

Male here. Don't allow anything to be videoed that you wouldn't want shown down the pub or on a web site. Actually, just don't agree to any video. Actually, think about getting rid of him.

Original poster
newguyissue · 17/08/2021 21:43

@DoubleTweenQueen Yes, I think I need to trust my gut. There have been a few times I've asked him to think before he speaks and he has done. Things like talking about loving watching my bum when I'm walking in front. That was dates 2 and 3. I should have trusted my gut that was a bit much at this stage. I think I gave him the benefit of the doubt too much. Confused

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 17/08/2021 21:45

Things like talking about loving watching my bum when I'm walking in front. That was dates 2 and 3.

Fucking hell, op. You have ignored your gut from the jump. He's a sleazy twat.

Original poster
newguyissue · 17/08/2021 21:46

@Silvershroud No, I wouldn't do that. I won't even exchange messages I wouldn't want anyone to see. I feel really upset about it all though. Lesson learned...

OP posts:
CallMeNutribullet · 17/08/2021 21:47

Telling you he loves you is definitely love bombing after just 7 weeks.
I'd also probably feel sick if something bought me a sex toy at the stage

Ninkanink · 17/08/2021 21:48

10 times and 2 whole weekends is really not enough time for him to love you.

Steer clear of men who lie like that, nothing good will ever come of it.

GoodnightGrandma · 17/08/2021 21:48

You don’t know who he’s going to share it with.
I’d be binning him off. But keep the vibrator 😉

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 17/08/2021 21:49

I'm afraid if that was me he'd be dumped right away. A video sex show for someone I've known for 7 weeks. Yuck!! Also you have no idea what he would do with that video. It could go online or anything. It makes my skin crawl. Trust your instincts.

Ninkanink · 17/08/2021 21:49

Not to mention all the other shit! Just no.

blablablafoghorn · 17/08/2021 21:53

I am 46 And have had similar men like this with OLD. It's rubbish proper sleezy! I just don't know where the decent guys are. I am open minded and not a prude but they seem to expect so much before a proper connection. They all seem to be like this nowadays it's really disturbing

DoubleTweenQueen · 17/08/2021 21:54

@newguyissue Don't beat yourself up about being open and trusting. They are positive qualities when a good trustworthy person comes along.
It's only been 7 weeks and a learning experience, I would think.
I'm sure I would have done the same.

Put yourself, and your own peace of mind, first x

LozzaChops101 · 17/08/2021 21:55

Norra chance. That's given me the right heebies on your behalf. Thanks

AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit · 17/08/2021 21:55

Run like the fucking wind

BornIn78 · 17/08/2021 21:57

Says he loves me but without lovebombing me

I’m curious as to what you think love bombing is, if you think telling someone you’ve only known for 7 weeks and met 10 times that you love them isn’t it?

Original poster
newguyissue · 17/08/2021 22:00

@blablablafoghorn It is worrying that there are a lot of guys like that on OLD. I thought I'd got quite good at weeding them out. Shock
I don't think (IME) they are representative of the male population, but a lot of even worse guys appear to be on OLD. I think I might give up on it all until I can get my boundaries sorted. I should have called him out on the vibrator but I was shocked and thought maybe that's normal in today's dating world - even at 50!

OP posts:
WhiskeyGalore212 · 17/08/2021 22:00

Just no.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 17/08/2021 22:04

OLD is a well known shit show.

There are sex and hook up sites but fotmr some reason (maybe the lack of women on them) men insist on using dating sites as ses and hook up sites.

Anytime they find an up for it woman, or their mates boast about finding an ul.firbot woman, they become convinced women women dating sites are up for it, you just have to find the right ones.

OLD should only ve one minimal.paet of your dating strategy, and viewed as a trash sifting exercise.

Colourmeclear · 17/08/2021 22:05

He sounds so awful that I don't even know where to begin! It doesn't sound like he's invested in you for who you are but for what you can provide for him sexually.

Always trust your gut, it's really wise and quite often picks up on subtle things that you don't notice actively. We perceive so much more than we know.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 17/08/2021 22:06

Oh and tell him not to be such a cheap bastard and pay a cam "girl" instead of trying to make an ordinary woman into one.

Original poster
newguyissue · 17/08/2021 22:06

@BornIn78 I don't know what my definition of lovebombing is. He just seemed so geniune and kind of vunerable. Very keen on something long term. He bought me flowers often. I just took it as a kind intention, but now I'm really questioning myself. He has insisted he meant a video call, not show, but I just can't see where tge word show came from and I was already uncomfortable with him buying me a vibrator (I have my own!) and suggesting I talk to him about using it Hmm

OP posts:
WhiskeyGalore212 · 17/08/2021 22:07

Also he loves you after 7 weeks (????!!!!)

Original poster
newguyissue · 17/08/2021 22:09

@WhiskeyGalore212 "trash shifting excerise" ! I'll remember that!

OP posts:
WhiskeyGalore212 · 17/08/2021 22:11

He has insisted he meant a video call, not show, but I just can't see where tge word show came from and I was already uncomfortable with him buying me a vibrator (I have my own!) and suggesting I talk to him about using it

Putting the show vs call "mistake" thing aside; I'm 45 and I would be extremely taken aback and put off if a man I'd been in with for 7 weeks, met 10 times and hadn't had sex with presented me with a vibrator.

No man has ever presented me with a vibrator, and if they did I'd expect it to be in the context of a v long term intimate relationship.

It would make me feel just like you did, objectified. It would creep me out.

Keepitonthedownlow · 17/08/2021 22:12

He's still a stranger. And a creepy one atthat.

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