BF comment has really upset me AIBU?

[newguyissue]

I don't know if I'm being ridiculous, but I've been seeing a guy for 7 weeks and something he said has upset me so much but I don't know if I'm being ridiculous.
First relationship after 30 year marriage.
He's been really sweet as I've been cautious. Says he loves me but without lovebombing me. He's stayed over twice but we haven't had full sex - very close though.
Last time he gave me a vibrator, which surprised me. He said he couldn't wait to talk about it this week, which I didn't do - said I would when I saw him. He lives 70 miles away.
Tonight, in a fun exchange of normal conversation, he asked about a video show tonight. He didn't specify, but I assumed he meant with the vibrator.
This has really upset me. I kind of feel objectified and dehumanized as an object to him. He now says he meant video call but I can't see how that got autospelled to show. My ex was coersive so I might be overreacting, but it's made me feel really crap and question his sincerity of loving me as a person.

I'm not sure I totally agree with everyone. It sounds like you've seen each other quite a lot in 2.5 months. The vibrator thing would creep me out -mainly because you said it came out of the blue. I wouldn't mind someone buying one for me if we'd been chatting about it and having spicy conversations which I was enjoying but it sounds like that's not the case? The video 'show' thing Is also something I would consider with the right person, but think there needs to be a lot of trust there. Basically it sounds like he's misjudging/ignoring your boundaries left right and centre. There's nothing wrong with being overtly sexual and adventurous, even from day 1, but it needs to feel right for both parties.

Aside from anything else, it's a
huge assumption and projection of male sexuality onto women.... lots of women don't use vibrators at all, lots only use them externally/for clitoral stimulation etc.

For many women it's not about penetrative themselves with a vibrator.

He's projecting his sexuality (and probably porn) onto women. And he's in there with that pretty fkg early... probably a good thing in terms of wasting your time and emotion.

On the whole his focus on sex acts so early I a "relationship" is telling. Tbh, I think he'll.do lots of "misunderstanding" claiming minimisation, claiming it was for you etc etc but you'd be best not to.give him any more of your time.

Also if he really loved you, wouldn't he know you a bit better?

He's unsettled you, upset you, made you uncomfortable, jumped jumped gun massively (and you would be alone in your feelings, far from it)... and presumably not intentionally, yet he "loves" you.

He diesbt know you so how could he love you.

He's either bullshitting or delusional.

If you're not up for it being sexual like that yet then talk to him about it but I don't think he's done anything awful at all. Loads of people exchange videos and photos and stuff early on. There's also loads of people that don't like it, and that's fine too. No one is being unreasonable unless they are pushing something that the other person doesn't want. But if you haven't yet talked about what you like and want in that way then he doesn't necessarily know you don't like it. We shouldn't automatically assume negative motives from him.

• you wouldn't be alone in your feelings.

[quote newguyissue]@DoubleTweenQueen Yes, I think I need to trust my gut. There have been a few times I've asked him to think before he speaks and he has done. Things like talking about loving watching my bum when I'm walking in front. That was dates 2 and 3. I should have trusted my gut that was a bit much at this stage. I think I gave him the benefit of the doubt too much. [/quote]
It is sad if he has nice qualities. Do you think he is just immature? Or lacking social graces a bit?
It's not actually creepy to be interested in sex, but most people know when it is appropriate to say something or not.
And why does he want stuff videoed? He will either see you or not see you irl. Maybe talking to him would explain things.

Loads of people exchange videos and photos and stuff early on.

Not really.

In any case, those "loads" of people would need to make fkg sure their faces aren't on them.

And even if they aren't, they'd need to be aware they could still end up being swapped/ traded, distributes, put on amateur section of porn sites etc.

But anyway, loads of people equally are not happy videoing penetrative themselves with sex toys for the viewing of someone they've known 7 weeks and not even shagged.

It's actually uncomfortable watching some posters normalise his behaviour, especially
to an op who's clearly unsettled and uncomfortable with it.

Honestly the sex toy is the least of your worries! Why are you wasting your time on a man who has lied about loving you after only seven weeks? You must surely be aware that he doesn't love you as he barely even knows you.

@MrsPsmalls

Honestly the sex toy is the least of your worries! Why are you wasting your time on a man who has lied about loving you after only seven weeks? You must surely be aware that he doesn't love you as he barely even knows you.

Yeah at best it's "I'm in love with the idea of you, especially if you become my live sex doll and put on free cam shows for me".

@WhiskeyGalore212

Loads of people exchange videos and photos and stuff early on.

Not really.

In any case, those "loads" of people would need to make fkg sure their faces aren't on them.

And even if they aren't, they'd need to be aware they could still end up being swapped/ traded, distributes, put on amateur section of porn sites etc.

But anyway, loads of people equally are not happy videoing penetrative themselves with sex toys for the viewing of someone they've known 7 weeks and not even shagged.

Exactly this.

@Marmelace

He sounds predatory

Absolutely 💯

I dated men like this and EVERY time I had the instinct they turned out to be bloody creeps! RUN RUN RUN
You are right in that he doesnt see you as a person
One of my exes did ask but only after we'd been together a few months, he'd been to mine several rimes (driven over 2 hours to see me), cooked for me and we'd actually skept together.
But this... 7 weeks.. just NONONO

Anyway fk me; less than two months into a "relationship" and not slept together, a nice gift should be some perfume or a romantic weekend .... not a fucking dildo and a request for a video show (or sorry ot was his autocorrect, he didn't mean show).

You rarely get good relationships by complying witg this sort of shit.

Don't do anything on video chat.

I really need to think about it all. The first night he stayed, I woke up to him touching me, which was consensual when I was awake, but I did feel uncomfortable about it when I woke up to it. I told him not to do it again but now I don't trust him.
I think I've been a bit naive and I'm pretty disappointed with myself. But I'll learn.

@WhiskeyGalore212 Yes, I need to stop complying. I tend to think I'm wrong about stuff but my gut was right.

It looks like your instincts are spot on. You just have to listen to them. You have definitely dodged a bullet with this one assuming you are going to end it now?

The first night he stayed, I woke up to him touching me, which was consensual when I was awake, but I did feel uncomfortable about it when I woke up to it.

If you aren't awake to give consent, you haven't given consent. Consent is not a once time for everything/ongoing thing, much as men like him would no doubt like to think.

That is inappropriate at best, but users on here will use (not incorrectly) words like sexual assault to describe people sexually touching etc others while asleep.

All in all, the love bombing or whatever it is, the unrequested vibratior "gift" (more of a gift for him by looks of it), the request for a show (claiming autocorrect fail when pulled up on it), the sexyal.touching while you were asleep abd he hadn't your clear consent..... it's not forming a good picture of him at all.

Did you say he was making comments about your arse being sexy when you were walking in front on him as well (?)

Hes a bit of a sex pest and a creep. And no number of bunches of flowers cancels that.

In fact the bunches of flowers and the premature I love yous seem like a script for the type of men who think they know what wins women over/how to manipulate them.

Run.

As a slight aside it's unbelievable what some men will say and do to set up cam sex "buddies". I know a woman who was made to think she was in a long distance relationship with a guy for months and months; until covid rules were relaxed and he could take an hour or less flight to finally see her (she has young dependant kids, he saud he has older kid who doesnt live with him). The excuses started coming and kept coming, she eventually cut him off (though not even sure she won't get back in contact).

He made comments about her boobs and about what top she wore when work men came to do work in her home etc. I said I found that mot a good sign but it was "only joking: etc etc.

I would hate that.

Now I've written in it all down, it seems like a lot of massive red flags, but over a period of time, I just didn't pick up on the whole picture.
His flattery and flowers and generally very sweet nature (obviously a loving family man) perhaps made me overlook the things that felt 'not quite right'.

obviously a loving family man

Presuming he's around your age, I'll get flamed for this but ime loving family men , excluding widowrs, would be with their wives and families, not single and on dating sites.