BF comment has really upset me AIBU?

[newguyissue]

I don't know if I'm being ridiculous, but I've been seeing a guy for 7 weeks and something he said has upset me so much but I don't know if I'm being ridiculous.
First relationship after 30 year marriage.
He's been really sweet as I've been cautious. Says he loves me but without lovebombing me. He's stayed over twice but we haven't had full sex - very close though.
Last time he gave me a vibrator, which surprised me. He said he couldn't wait to talk about it this week, which I didn't do - said I would when I saw him. He lives 70 miles away.
Tonight, in a fun exchange of normal conversation, he asked about a video show tonight. He didn't specify, but I assumed he meant with the vibrator.
This has really upset me. I kind of feel objectified and dehumanized as an object to him. He now says he meant video call but I can't see how that got autospelled to show. My ex was coersive so I might be overreacting, but it's made me feel really crap and question his sincerity of loving me as a person.

Nothing wrong with it if you both were into it, but bit weird if you arent in a long distance relationship and havent even had full sex. You are within your rights to feel pissed off/turned off about it. Try talking to him about it-- his reaction will tell you if he is a good guy who made an error, or if he is one to dump immediately.

If any man says he loves you within a few weeks it's BS. IME men take at least a few months, as do I, but actually I think the one time a man said it first to me, was an instance of him getting ahead of himself in the moment and working out what was good for him at the time, not real love. Even that was a few months in but took me by surprise.Lots of flowers 7 weeks in, yes he's lovebombed you, but you missed it. Now, he's shown he's nothing more than a creep. I'm 50, been dating last 14 years of singledom, calm down, sort what you are comfortable with, stick to that, don't let anyone push your boundaries.

Yuck. This would be a turn off. But my ex was the type to ask for stuff like this and nude photos all the time. Turned me right off. He ended up being a sex pest.

He'll have been watching all kinds of shite on porn. No idea about romance.

Send it back and BLOCK 🌸

Nothing wrong with bringing toys etc into a relationship but you've not even had full sex nor discussed it. If he really loved and cared about you he wouldn't risk the relationship by doing this imo.

@Sakurami

Nothing wrong with bringing toys etc into a relationship but you've not even had full sex nor discussed it. If he really loved and cared about you he wouldn't risk the relationship by doing this imo.

He's expecting a live video performance... from 80 miles away... that's slightly different to sharing a sexual experience with a sex toy .. with your partner 🌸

You cannot consent whilst unconscious. If you've only known him for 7 weeks I imagine there was some pressure to continue once you had woken up. It might work in long term relationships (I personally think it's too risky even then) but it really shouldn't be a question of do I let him continue doing what he is already doing to me. The power balance is too much in his favour and I can guarantee it will happen again because if you do let it continue once awake that is the only thing he will see to justify his actions.

Ew. Dump the creep.

If he gave you the vibrator and said in the context of a flirty conversation that he'd love you to use it on a video call and you had responded with interest and enthusiasm his request wouldn't be out of the blue, but this putting you on the spot is shit and it's creepy that he didn't admit it and openly talk about enjoying that but tried to pretend he hasn't said it.
Also 7 weeks and telling you he loves you!!! What a load of smoke he's boring up your bottom there. I think sadly your sense of normal might still be out of kilter from your previous experience. Run for the hills.

Just read your updates, and so glad you've written it down and got an overview here because you were definitely slept walking into an unpleasant relationship. The touching while you were sleeping thing 😱
Just a thought, but did you talk to him about your previous coercive relationship, because that kind of history information can be a magnet to the wrong kind of characters and makes you more vulnerable. Only share that kind of thing with someone you've known a long time and really trust.

Don't be too hard on yourself, OLD is challenging but the first idiot you meet helps to prepare you to keep your guard up for longer for subsequent dates and will make it easier to weed out wrong uns in the future. The first guy I liked totally ghosted me but it made me toughen up.

@PieceOfString Yes, I have told him about my ex although I didn't share the worst stuff. We've done multiple video chats over this time, and I've known him virtually for 3 months.
I think he's actually held back quite a bit as I've been pretty vocal about not moving too fast - obviously this hasn't really worked. He's been lovely in a lot of ways, quite supportive, which has perhaps skewed my perception on the negative stuff.

@Colourmeclear I woke up quite confused but afterwards felt really uncomfortable as several hours had passed since we'd gone to sleep. I said don't wake me like that again, but he did start that again one morning before I'd woken, though stopped when I pushed his hand away. Sounds even worse now.

You set a boundary and he broke it. He's then requested you perform sexually for him, virtually, which means he could even record it from his end.

OP I really think this one is a non starter, keep yourself safe.

@WhiskeyGalore212

It's actually uncomfortable watching some posters normalise his behaviour, especially to an op who's clearly unsettled and uncomfortable with it.

This! Honestly, OP, he’s a repellent sleazebucket.

Even sleaze buckets can come across as fairly balanced decent people and 'misunderstood' - that's how they reel others to them.
Reassess your boundaries and put yourself first. Trust your feelings and discomfort.
Plenty more fish in the sea. You deserve better.

Run for the hills! He sounds vile!

He sounds awful. Please don’t see him again and take care of yourself

I cannot think of anything more revolting and off putting than a bloke I'd known for 7 weeks giving me a vibrator as a 'surprise'. Particularly a bloke I had not yet had sex with.

I'd have declined the gift and ended the relationship at that point. It feels utterly disrespectful. The idea of me then cavorting about using it to provide him with some sort of sex show over a video call has me cringing. Utterly grim.

And yes, I agree with those saying that him telling you he loves you after 7 weeks is ridiculous. He doesn't know you.

Trust the gut instinct. Its there for a reason and block delete and move on.
Creepy.

@WallaceinAnderland

He lives 70 miles away and says he loves you after just 7 weeks. How? You barely know each other.

exactly. i'd be v suspicious of such a person. dump him.

Telling you he loves you after just 7 weeks is love bombing. If you were in a situation where youd been thrown together and spending every day together then maybe but not otherwise.

Buying someone a sex toy when you've never had sex with them and haven't discussed it is incredibly odd.

Fucking hell OP, he's touching you whilst you're asleep and without your consent despite you telling him no when you wake up and that you don't like it. He's one step away from a rapist!